would you want the friend to not mention it unless you decide to tell them yourself, or would you want them to talk to you about it?

I would prefer they not say a thing.  If the friend is wondering I would hope they would come to me and ask.

Personally I'd prefer they mention it if they want to talk about it. I hate people stressing if they don't have to.

I'd rather have them not out me to people, I don't see the big deal in 'sex change drama ' whats usually linked to people immediately feeling threatened in their cozy sexual labels. So I wasn't born with male equipment boohoo big deal, I'm not available for anyone anyway.

It depends.  I've been outed inadvertently.  (It happens. )  The new friend never mentioned it, but I would hope that she will feel free to talk about with me if she wants to.  As long as everyone is comfortable, then it is no big deal.  If it is a big deal to someone, I'd just as soon know about it.

- Kate

I have a bad habit of leaving out important information  

What I was thinking of specifically is this:  say the friend that found out is completely fine with everything.  What I was trying to ask is:

Would you prefer never to talk about it, even with a person who would "handle it ideally"  or would you be "glad" to have one more support person / one less person to worry about...

I guess I'm early enough in my transition to still have the luxury of thinking I know who all knows.  That may even now not be true, but I can still maintain the illusion.  So for now, if someone tells someone else about me, I'd prefer to know about it, but I fully realize that as the circle gets bigger, it'll get a little fuzzy around the edges, and it will no longer be possible to keep tabs on who knows.  Presumably by that time it won't be a big deal.  My wife and kids know, so no real harm can come to me by someone else finding out...

And this was posted as I was formulating my contribution:

QuoteWould you prefer never to talk about it, even with a person who would "handle it ideally"  or would you be "glad" to have one more support person / one less person to worry about...

I'd want them to talk with me about it if they were comfortable with it.  It'd be a relief to cross them off my list of "to come out to", and it'd be good to have another supportive person in my life...

Quote from: bearded on December 17, 2010, 05:25:20 PM
Would you prefer never to talk about it, even with a person who would "handle it ideally"  or would you be "glad" to have one more support person / one less person to worry about...

It would depend on where I was in transition.  Early on, I wamted to talk about it with anyone who would listen and, perhaps, give me pointers or at least a sympathetic ear.

Now, I am still willing to talk about it with anyone but would rather ignore it as long as it isn't the elephant in the room.  I'd like to get on with a normal life as a woman, so I want to talk about other things.

- Kate

Hi Mark

It depends on the friend, is it a really good friend or someone you know well, or a friend for romantic times.
Good friends know all about me, people who I know well but not close friends, don't know.
Not that I am ashame of something but I've the right to keep a little privacy, I don't ask them for intimate details either because of their right for privacy.
Friends I had for romantic times I've always informed before we where intimate, so they can have the chance to say..okay it stops here (actually, i've never heard that)
I startted the transitionproces 30 years ago, by time passes away I've learned a lot.
so I talk like a woman, I walk like a woman, I look like a woman and my behaviour is womanly, so I never get the questuins you're talking about but for good friends I feel I've to tell because good friends are talking intimate things with eachother and then I should have the feeling of a spy, I know their toughts and bring nothing in return.
Thas this answer your question?

hugs
annette

My favorite person outs me a lot.  Seeing as my favorite person is me I have no one to blame but myself.  For me transition is about as mundane someone going on a diet.  It's really the only interesting topic I have to bring to the table.  The hard part is getting people to believe it.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 18, 2010, 08:14:39 AM
My favorite person outs me a lot.  Seeing as my favorite person is me I have no one to blame but myself.  For me transition is about as mundane someone going on a diet.  It's really the only interesting topic I have to bring to the table.  The hard part is getting people to believe it.

^  

I discovered early on that my transition was far more interesting to me than to anyone else.  It was the main thing - seemingly the only thing - I was doing, and I wanted to talk about it.  Things have settled down now, much to the relief of my friends.  And I'm finally learning to not mention it for no reason.

- Kate

Um wow Dee ... I'm so sorry that happened to you *hugs*

Quote from: bearded on December 17, 2010, 05:25:20 PM
I have a bad habit of leaving out important information  

say the friend that found out is completely fine with everything.  What I was trying to ask is:

Would you prefer never to talk about it, even with a person who would "handle it ideally"  or would you be "glad" to have one more support person / one less person to worry about...

They better be fine with it or I don't hang around with em. Besides, I'm prepared to do my 'I'm not interested in a relation, whats in my pants in none of your business.' preach.

I don't mind talking about it but I found that the only ones truly interested are other trans people, and a few supporters . I'm always glad to not run into a bigot who just treats me like a human being.

I don't have any friends I keep secrets from.

I really don't care. I'm cool with my friends, they all know, if they can deal with it fine, if they cannot who cares?

This might sound lame, but how people deal with me is not my problem. I deal with me all the time. I'm happy and confident, if they quake in fear of me there is nothing I can do to change that.

If someone outs you what does it mean? I look pretty good but I doubt that I pass 100%, but who cares?  I'm me.

At another level I have a friend who is an amputee,  a friend who I really like. It is rare that when introducing her to people that I don't a private comment of how did she lose her leg. Humans are naturally curious.

I have had experiences similar, but nothing as nasty,  to Dee's I had a small fire and the boys came around and of course I had to reveal Cindy as being legally male as far as insurance was concerned. But they were fantastic, totally professional and even gave me a bunch of flowers the next day.

I suppose it all comes back to self confidence. We all have secrets that many people know and tell in complete confidence to many people.

Cindy.
Oh BTW has anyone told you that Cindy is a MtF  transsexual and really hates the word but we can talk about it because she cannot hear us.

I'm not hiding so it's quite hard to get upset if someone slips up no and then.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on December 17, 2010, 05:28:06 PMSo for now, if someone tells someone else about me, I'd prefer to know about it, but I fully realize that as the circle gets bigger, it'll get a little fuzzy around the edges, and it will no longer be possible to keep tabs on who knows.

I know this. I have no idea anymore who knows at work and who doesn't. If co-workers would keep their mouths shut and use correct pronouns this wouldn't be as confusing.

Quote from: bearded on December 17, 2010, 05:25:20 PM
I have a bad habit of leaving out important information  

What I was thinking of specifically is this:  say the friend that found out is completely fine with everything.  What I was trying to ask is:

Would you prefer never to talk about it, even with a person who would "handle it ideally"  or would you be "glad" to have one more support person / one less person to worry about...

I think it all depends on their idea of "support".  Like this, a friend of mine is diabetic, he can't be cranky without someone suggesting he check his blood sugar.  He's very frustrated about the fact that he's apparently not allowed just to be cranky without someone thinking his blood sugar is low.  I guess I look at it the same way, cool if you want to be part of my support network; but not cool if your answer to everything is "its becuase your trans isn't it?" or something to that effect.

Yeah I'd rather people let me out myself when it's my prerogative

At this point in time, I have no idea which of my new friends know I'm trans and which ones don't. I prefer not knowing, because it lets me feel more manly. When people know I'm trans, it takes a bit of my male identity away from me.

I like to be aware of who knows I'm trans and who does not; then I can have a little chat to them about my privacy and make sure it goes no further.
Anyone who Outs me to anyone else is no friend of mine though and may find themselves with a broken nose if they ever cross my path again