Quote from: Starveil on December 07, 2010, 01:07:55 PM
When you first tell people around you about your genderdisphoria and your transition, it takes a certain while for them to sink in. For most of them, this comes as a genuine shock as they've been completely oblivious to what was going on inside of you all this time . You've already come a very long way when you first tell them, whereas they're just now able to see you for the beautiful girl you really are. They inevitably wonder what this revelation means to them, because they've constructed an image on you based on their perception of you, and now they are confronted with the fact that this image they have so carefully construed is no longer correct.
It may take them a day, a week, a month or longer, or they may never come around to it. Sensible people, however, eventually realise that it's YOU that matters, and not them. In certain instances, however, they don't make that realisation. They are, in a manner of speaking, not able to get over themselves. Your transition places them in such a position that they are unable to cope with it. They're not doing it consciously or deliberately - it's just that they simply cannot get their thick head around it.
I.e. the two friends who made the comment that what mattered was that you were still the same person on the inside, I don't know... To me (and, mind you, I'm the significant other of a MtF, so not transgendered myself) this comes across as if they're clinging to the image they've construed of you. Sounds to me like they're basically saying: "you're still the same person on the inside that we once perceived on the outside". That's not really accepting.
Basically, what it boils down to is that, for them, "they" are more important than "you" - except that to call it like this is way too crude. It's much subtler, as often they don't realise it themselves. In most cases, they believe they're genuinly trying, but don't realise they don't actually succeed. They delude themselves into thinking they're doing the best they can - but the thing is, they're really not. Mostly, it's these people that will complain about how hard it is for them and how complicated things are, while making no mention of the fact that it is YOU that is going through all this and that's it's harder for you than anyone of them. That's because, mostly, it doesn't even occur to them.
Do you need people like this? I'm sure you don't. Don't get me wrong. People make mistakes. They slip up sometimes. There may not be anything behind it. You've invested too much time and effort in these friendships to simply burn the bridges. If, however, you've shown patience and consideration while they try and they keep making these mistakes, they're obviously not trying hard enough to understand, accept and support you. Winding yourself up and correcting them every time, only for them to slip up once more and then act as if it's no big deal really puts an emotional drain on you. If that is the case, your relationship/friendship with them is unbalanced. They mostly take, and you give, whereas they give you less in return.
We all want need people around us that accept us for who we are and that are supportive of us. If your friends aren't supportive or acceptive enough, they're the ones to blame - not you. Perhaps, then, it is time to learn to know new people.
Wow. Great post, Starveil. Thanks so much.
About my friends' comment about me still being the same person on the inside, and that according to you they are basically saying: "you're still the same person on the inside that we once perceived on the outside". I think you are right. I also think that that isn't accepting. I think it's more about their fear for me not being AT ALL what/who they thought I was. I do understand them though. The way I see it is that I was who/what I was, that I am now who/what I am and that I will be, well, whoever/whatever I will be, hehe. I would love to be able to tell them that 'I will always be the same person on the inside'. I used to think that I really would remain the same person on the inside, but lately I am not so sure about that. It's just not as simple as that. I've changed so much already and not only on the outside. I'm sure I will change more. Hormones are changing me even more, on the inside too. I need my friends to sort of grow with me in all those changes, but I don't think they are capable of it, with maybe one exception. They cling too much to the image they had of me yes. They think transitioning has everything to do with clothes and some will even understand that it has to do with body as well. It's much more than that, of course. I feel they continue to talk to me (treat me) the way they did 3 years ago, but that makes me feel like they are not seeing me the way I am now. Does that make any sense at all? It's like they are talking to someone who doesn't exist anymore. Not in that shape anyway. I wish this would be as simple as 'you have friends, be glad you have friends at all'. It's much more complicated.
I also agree on what you said about them thinking they're doing the best they can. They really aren't. There are so many questions that they could have asked me but didn't. Without having those questions asked, they can't possibly understand. I've noticed lots of times that friends acted liked they made some great effort, when in reality the effort wasn't that great at all, or actually made me feel very bad. Most of the times I could just tell that they didn't understand me at all and on top of it I had to be greatful for it. Sorry, but I don't need charity.
The sad thing is though, that I think that none of them truly understands me and what I'm going through. Perhaps it's just something that cannot be understood, but I do feel that they aren't trying hard enough. Again, with maybe one exception.
They make me feel like they 'are willing to play the game along with me'. They don't acknowledge the woman in me or the woman I already am. They don't recognise and welcome the changes. They cling to who/what they thought I was.
Lately I just try to keep things a little superficial and I try not to tell too much about the things I go through. Telling those things to them hasn't done me any good so far anyway. Me not being able to share those things with them does effect the friendships of course. To me right now transitioning is the most important thing in the world. If I can't share that fully with my friends/family then are they really my friends/family? I tend to accept more bs from my family than from my friends by the way, but my family has also dissapointed me by not showing any interest. They simply don't ask any questions at all. I'm surprised that they always try to use my correct name and about my mum always making nice comments about my clothes etc. It's almost as if they are thinking; as long as we do that then we are doing the best and everything we can. They don't know anything about transsexuality. They have never read a book about it or went online to find information about it. I gave them the DVD of Trans America a year ago; they haven't seen it. They never ask me how hormones are effecting me, etc etc. To me that just seems weird. They might just not realise how huge this is. I've been very open about it all from the very beginning so it's not like they couldn't have asked me about things. But... as I told my aunt recently on the phone (whom I haven't seen in person after my coming out, fear I guess): there will be a time that I will simply refuse to talk about these things. Two years have gone by. I've been through so much in the mean time, they don't even know half of it. I just don't know how to feel about that. I know things could have been a lot worse, but still..
Anyway, back to friends.. I've declined some party invitations. Especially some of which I think they could turn out to be very stressful for me. I accepted the less stressful ones. I used to be quite hard on myself by just undergoing everything, but now I'm going more easy on myself by trying to do what's good for me. I don't have to prove anything anymore. I know my friends, they'll think that if I don't show up at a party that I'm depressed or whatever (after all transsexuals are supposed to be depressed, or trying to commit suicide). It's not the case, but I'll let them think whatever they want to think, and in the mean time I'll be doing things that are good for ME. That's actually my new years resolution: do things that are good for ME. That, and getting my house and adminstration as organised as it was prior to transitioning. I now realise the enormous impact it all had on me..
I actually thought I was already doing things that were good for me, but after reading your post Starveil, I realised that I really wasn't. Thanks for making me see that. And just out of curiousity; did you meet your significant other before or during or after transition?
I may start trying to get to know other people soon. I don't know how yet, though. As usually things will work out one way or another. Oh, come to think of it, not so long ago I met a girl (gg) with whom I'm sort of friends now and it looks like we'll be going on a trip to Turkey together in march, so I guess I'm already meeting new people
Thanks again for your post, Starveil.
