I've been away for the forum for a while and will update everyone later - lots of changes for me, but I've been exposed to some new friends and experiences that have allowed me to continue to explore my inner self.

So, I'm finding that I really want to have a pussy and breasts.  When I ask myself why, one of the main reasons is that I want to be able to have sex with a man as a woman and I want a man to want me like a man wants a woman. I want to give myself over to a man and be taken by him, but also I want to pleasure him - especially a man with whom I have feelings. 

Is this a common feeling for mtf folks?  I'm asking because these feelings are stronger for me than any desire to dress as a woman, which seems to be an important thing for many others.  I think that I could transition and still wear jeans and a shirt, though I do prefer something flowery or colorful.  Its difficult for me to know how either a man or woman feels, since I've always felt somewhat in between. 

I definitely feel feminine inside and can relate to women much better even though I love being around the guys.  Lately I've been thinking about what I might loose should I transition.  I think my relationship with the guys would change.  I probably would not be privy to the guy talk that I am now, and in the culture I'm living in now, the men and women usually separate by sex at social functions.  I was talking to one girl the other day and she does not like that - she wants to be with her husband.  I could tell that she was upset from across the room and I went over and she had a little cry while we talked.  If I was a woman, I would miss being with the guys.

Well, I needed to get back in touch with family here at the forum and would like to hear your comments.

Hi Robertina

Great to see you again.

I can identify with most of what you've written.

I really hope you can achieve your goal lovely.

Is this feeling not what differenciates a transsexual from a crossdresser ? Do not worry about it and maybe take this as some kind of confirmation, if you ever needed one, that you really are headed for the right path, I guess. And do not feel perverted about it. It's pretty normal to have sexual needs, and women usually do not feel like being men, and you pretty much seem to be a woman to me, haha.

Honestly robertina...that feeling of "omg hes about to make me feel like a woman by entering me and making me feel all types of good" only lasts the first few times you have sex. At least for me, i have only had sex with my boyfriend and now...it kinda feels like work i guess.
its not all that its hyped up to be ya know...hahaha

Robertina stay as a man and enjoy talking about pussy with the other guys.  you'll be happier that way.

For me it would be the final validation.  Yes I know, why do I need that validation?  Because I do.  I don't have to explain that to anyone.

It is like the keystone to an archway.  Yes, no one would know any different, from now til then.  But I do and that is what makes the difference.

The sex is not even a consideration.  If that happens then great otherwise I already am treated like a woman, good and bad.  I am seen as a woman in every eye, including my own.  I am blessed in that my journey has only had a few bumps.

i already have a pussy...she's sat on my lap purring.

In my early life, before SRS, I would have said the EXACT same thing. The only minor way that we differ is that I knew for sure that that was how I felt from my earliest memory, but that is really only my good luck. The only thing that matters is that you know it now.

You want a 'pussy'?   Then check out your local animal shelter, there are plenty of cats looking for a nice new home.

From some of the replies, I think I may have offended a few with my use of the word "pussy." I meant no offense, and I think everyone knows I am speaking about a vagina (its a common word here in the US but almost never used to describe a cat, except when trying to be funny). 

@Liliac, I don't regularly sit around and talk to the guys about vaginas, but I do find it helpful and interesting to learn what other people think and how different people view things.  It helps me better understand them and myself. 

@Janet, yes, maybe I am seeking a form of validation since my path has not been what many consider the norm in that I have not entertained transgendered feelings since childhood nor have I crossed dressed to any extent.  Of course I spent my childhood and much of my adult life trying to please others, which gave no time for self exploration.

KillBelle:
Why do you say that having sex feels like work?

Robertina:
I totally understand you.   I also keep thinking of late that I would not mind female plumbing and for a guy to "take me".  It is hard to comment on whether or not having sex with a guy would be considered work, but I can imagine that having to "clean up" afterwards would be a drag.  I am an extremely clean person, so that means draining out his load and taking a shower.  That might get tedious.  It is almost impossible to tell how I would feel if I ever did that or in the long term.  I leave that to others, although everyone is different.

What I can tell you is that sleeping with a straight woman can make guys look attractive, as straight women want a guy and leave no stone unturned in their efforts to keep their partners masculine.  On the contrary, a straight guy would want and expect a female for a partner.

There is a validation element.  I can see that, but their can be feelings too.  You (and I) are just exploring what it means to be a female and these feelings are par for the course.

I identify with the desire to be able to experience normal hetero sex with a man, and being able to give him what any other woman can.

But for me it's still not as important as feeling normal in my own body and comfortable with it. Even if I passed 100% of the time and I'm totally accepted as a woman by everyone else I still would not feel complete.

I can even do away with sex altogether if that's what it meant, although that may get a little frustrating.

Yeah, a towel is part of the answer, not to mention douching.

I forgot to add that I do not have any desire to "pleasure him."  We should both find sex enjoyable.

We shall see what happens.  The thought of getting a disease crossed my mind too.

Speaking of feeling like a woman, it is interesting how difficult it is to truly feel like a woman, when you have a penis between your legs reminding you all the time that you are a guy.  You have to hide it.  You cannot wear normal women's clothes easily.  Bikinis are difficult to impossible to wear and not comfortably.  Having straight female sex with a guy in your vagina is, of course, not possible.  A fake strap on vagina does not count.

The one thought that keeps crossing my mind is would I truly like a vagina better than a penis?  I think about that all the time.  I cannot say that I use a penis often and when I do I am bothered that I am the guy.  If I ignore many things, I can say that the sensation is not bad, although seeing myself as a guy sucks.  It boils down to the question I asked myself in school.  How do I know what I want to be, when I have never been anything?  How do I truly know that I would have no regrets and truly like a vagina better if I never had one and a penis, even though I dislike it the uber vast majority of the time (all the time?) and go to lengths to hide it and etc.  Thoughts and dreams are different than reality.

I can say that living as a woman feels totally right.  I love my female name and feel right being called ma'am.  I hate body hair, want a full female set of hair, and cannot wait to get my breasts fully developed.  I can hear someone tell me the adage: "have your cake and eat it too" or "left side okay. Right side okay. Middle of the road, squashed like grape."  Basically, I am afraid of change.

Okay, I am so way off topic and sidetracked the topic.

Back on to topic, I understand the original assertion.  The more that I develop as a woman, the more female thoughts I have.  At one point, I thought only to dress like a girl and be a girl.  I never thought of being with a guy, and if I did the thought yuck came to mind.  Some people transition like a lightening bolt.  I seem to take cautious steps and grow at each step.

Wearing female clothing is important, and I fight for that right every day.  I have a partner that is embarrassed and self professed "very straight", who fights me on the topic.  I do remember a phase wearing nail polish and sporting long nails.  That is not so important to me these days, although I still like nail polish.  Now my attention is definitely on more adult topics.

I still would like to know what gay / straight means to someone who is trans and pre-op.  That term seems quite meaningless to me.  Gay could mean sleeping with a woman, very easily.  Actually, gay to me is that.

I respond to the OP in the affirmative, except that my interest in sex with men is more theoretical than deep attraction at this point.

I fantasize about various levels of sexual involvement with men - always with men - but I never spend much time mulling an actual relationship with a man, romance and dating and so forth.

I'm not sure what that means except that it feels like an incomplete process is going on, mentally as well as physically.

but the plumbing? I most definitely want the right plumbing even if a man never ever sees it or touches it.

Even with all the maintenance that involves.

Quote from: sarahla on December 18, 2010, 09:02:10 PM
KillBelle:
Why do you say that having sex feels like work?

Sex feels like work to me mostly because i spent the last 365 days with my boyfriend having sex and after a while...i just dont want to do it as much. i am very busy all the time with my job, if it isnt my job then i am volunteering at the nearby elementary school or the homeless shelter down the street for the holidays. Then i gotta worry about laundry, the gym, breast cancer marathon, dinner every night, family parties, decorating the house for the holidays, then new years, then a trip to las vegas so he can gamble. So by the end of the night when i lay down i am exhausted and just not in the mood for sex. but i gotta do my part in satisfying him =]

so yes sometimes it is work lol

Quotebut i gotta do my part in satisfying him

okay, I'm somewhat out of place here being FTM, but the title piqued my interest and so does this last comment.  Let me quote a friend of mine, biologically male.  Okay, by quote I mean loosely translate from Korean to English something we talked about in public transport, but whatever.  He once said to me, "a man should practice making his lady feel pleasure, not expecting things the other way around.  Why?  Because a penis is easy.  -replace actual dialogue about how male anatomy work with your own PG material here-  And mostly, if you really like this girl you should realize it's the gentlemanly thing to do."

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but sexual intimacy should be "work" for both parties, so you both feel "appreciated and satisfied."

Quote from: JosephKT on December 19, 2010, 03:50:30 AM
okay, I'm somewhat out of place here being FTM, but the title piqued my interest and so does this last comment.  Let me quote a friend of mine, biologically male.  Okay, by quote I mean loosely translate from Korean to English something we talked about in public transport, but whatever.  He once said to me, "a man should practice making his lady feel pleasure, not expecting things the other way around.  Why?  Because a penis is easy.  -replace actual dialogue about how male anatomy work with your own PG material here-  And mostly, if you really like this girl you should realize it's the gentlemanly thing to do."

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but sexual intimacy should be "work" for both parties, so you both feel "appreciated and satisfied."

Hey Joseph, i get what you are saying, trust me i do...in a lot of ways though it's either ya blow/sex him or he will be whining and begging all night until you do. I always figured ok, either i can just give in or spend the next 3 hours not getting any sleep and giving in anyway because i get tired of the nudges/guilt trips/puppy dog faces.
I also find efficiency in the sense that tomorrow will be another hectic day, he's working long hour shifts, hes working his butt off at the desk, i am a teacher, my job is not as crazy nor hectic. I can at least be a good girlfriend and give in to him. People can say whatever they want about how wrong it is, but there shouldnt be anything wrong about a woman giving in to a man sexually because she loves him and he loves her back.

Heck the girls who are against compromising and giving in to their bfs/husbands from time to time are also the ones who complain about their husbands/boyfriends not being romantic enough, or taking them out enough, or surprising them enough with sweet little things. Hell i know i keep my man in check because i know i am the one wearing the pants in this relationship!! It's called having an iron pussy!

When I saw the title I thought it might be a humorous post too.  I was going to say, have the one my son left when he moved in with his girlfriend! 

I can understand where you are coming from.   I am taking my time with assembling a wardrobe and trying to spend as little as possible doing it.  My main interest so far has been facial laser hair removal, and as that is nearly finished I will be looking for a speech therapist to change my voice.  HRT will hopefully start in a few months, and then comes living full time.

Any clothes I buy will probably not fit by then anyway, so it will be time to hit the shops in a big way then.

For me my primary feelings of being transgender are not centered around receiving the affection of guys. For me it's been more about feeling like I'm a female spirit trapped in the wrong body. I have enjoyed the female clothing that I've been able to get through the years, and certainly do imagine myself as "female" 100% of the time I'm intimate (with myself or others). But I can't say that I crave the attention of a man. If anything I suppose I think of myself more as a lesbian.

Does the fact I don't crave the attention of a man make me less likely to feel right after transition?

As to the main topic of this thread, I feel very much the same. For a long time I thought I was just a CD. My desire to have a vagina and experience sex from the "other side of the bed" I explained away as a kink. However, over time I realized the clothes were not enough. What I really wanted was a full female body and to have the world see me as and treat me like a woman. Everything else were half measures to make me feel better in the body I had. I would be lying if I didn't say clothes didn't have some importance, but I realized I was trans when I considered I wanted to be a woman even if I was forced to wear ugly sweat suits for the rest of my life.

As for the topic Dee just brought up, I think I may be experiencing the beginnings of it. I have lost just about all feelings of lust for women. I have noticed that I notice certain types of men a bit more as in "he is kinda cute," but nowhere near the strong attraction I used to feel for women. Basically, right now I feel confused and unfinished. Like a half-baked cake, if that makes any sense.