Been in therapy for 2-3 weeks and I am having a tough time opening up to therapist... and other people... I dont know if anyone has faced a similar problem...

I have faced this issue with 3 therapist and my endo and I know its not their fault... (was recommended from one to another) its just that I have spent years hiding my emotions, feeling and thoughts that even when I speak it tend to come out like a droid from Star Wars! and they are more expressive than I am!!! I even spent hours practicing yoga to help me control them when I was a kid... (yoga is awesome if you separate the useful stuff from the religious/Sanskrit crap... )

It is something I know who I am and that I want to change my body to match who I am .. that I am a woman stuck in a mans body .. yet for some reason I am having a tough time saying it out loud.... and expressing myself... I just get exasperated or sometime fall back into my defensive shell where I just pretend to be normal... and laugh/lie my way out... (I know it sounds bad ... but people in my country aren't exactly friendly to people who are not "normal")

even with the therapist I get this uneasy feeling like they are not comfortable around me ... or are not concerned .... any suggestions?

I am right there with you!  I have delayed going to a therapist for so long ... and I can't even open up to my wife of 10 years.

It seems a bit unfair b/c of a birth defect that I have to put everything out there on the table for people to analyize and make recommendations on.

I had a lot of trouble coming out to anyone, but once I started I found that I was also coming out to myself.  We spend so many years hiding this from the world and from ourselves that it can be hard to break through.

I don't mean that I wouldn't admit to myself that I was gender-confused or even TS - I always knew that.  But it was just so many words until I started coming out to others.  I just hadn't been admiting to myself what being what I am really meant for my life.

- Kate

If you're expecting to be able to open up to a therapist you've seen for a couple of weeks, then I think you have unrealistic expectations. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but to expect it to happen is asking too much. Just let it unfold. You've been hiding for a long time, yes? Give yourself time.

After a lifetime of holding in the emotions and fears of other people finding out who we really are, it can take quite some time to let the barriers down even a little.  Lord knows I was SOOOO uptight before. No one knew who I was.  The hardest part sometimes is just admitting that Ok I'm trans and its never going away....

The fears I had inside were by far larger, bigger then reality turned out to be.  Trust yourself... Sometimes you just have to find the right moment. 

BTW  it does get easier.  Needless to say I overcame all my fears.  Best of luck to you.

Beni

Ugh, I know how it feels to be in this boat and it sucks! I myself have had a big problem with this and still do to an extent. As others have said, it's just part of coming out to yourself, once you can do that it does get easier.

I don't know if it would help you, but I found that I could easily express my thoughts in a letter or an email, just not verbally; I tried to make this clear to my therapists by pretty much saying "Hey, I've got something I want to talk about, need to talk about... but I can't talk about it.... can I write you a letter?" they always have been ok with it. In the begining I'd say that most of the progress I made was thru this method; I dunno... for me, once the thoughts are out there I'm forced to deal with them and things aren't that bad, but esp. in the begining, it took someone else starting the conversation for me to be able to open up at all.

As I said though, it does get easier. It still takes me a while to get started in a session, but once I get going I just blabber on and on about everything, sometimes I just zone out talking and don't even know what's coming out of my mouth. I'm sure I'm annoying in those sessions, but I find it therapeutic!


~Sara

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on December 15, 2010, 10:16:41 PM
"Hey, I've got something I want to talk about, need to talk about... but I can't talk about it.... can I write you a letter?"

That is a great idea! I am trying to start therapy next month and I think I need to keep that in the back of my mind.

O.Transist

Quote from: Vibes6 on December 15, 2010, 06:28:25 AM
... I just get exasperated or sometime fall back into my defensive shell where I just pretend to be normal... and laugh/lie my way out... (I know it sounds bad ... but people in my country aren't exactly friendly to people who are not "normal")

That is what you should be saying to the therapist.

Forget the other stuff for now. Until your relationship can get past that, you won't get anywhere.

Quote from: Vibes6 on December 15, 2010, 06:28:25 AM
I am having a tough time opening up to therapist... and other people...

its just that I have spent years hiding my emotions, feeling and thoughts that even when I speak it tend to come out like a droid from Star Wars!

I am a woman stuck in a mans body .. yet for some reason I am having a tough time saying it out loud.... and expressing myself... I just get exasperated or sometime fall back into my defensive shell where I just pretend to be normal... and laugh/lie my way out...

You need to say that to your therapist. My therapist and I talk about the "two" conversations that are going on when we talk. First there's the intellectual conversation where I am analyzing myself intellectually and talking about all my fears, and where ultimately am too afraid to talk about transition because of all the fear and intellectual doubting, the other conversation is more focused on my feelings and coming from my soul, that I'm in the wrong body - but that's really hard to say sometimes because of all the intellectual implications that take over my mind and leave me speechless.

I told my therapist, "I am scared to death of the moment that intellectually I realize I must transition, even if my body and spirit knew it was necessary long ago." So we've been talking about the intellectual stuff, but also she helps me listen to my spirit and let that have a voice too.

The thing is, I'm learning that if you can't talk about the thing you want to talk about, then talk about the fact that you're having a hard time talking about it! For me this has really helped me express some of my inner thoughts/feelings eventually.

I hope you're able to get to a place where it feels more comfortable. I know what it's like to feel uncomfortable and/or ignore this.

Madelyn

While I do compltely agree with you, the problem Vibes has at the moment is getting the words out. She has said that she is finding it difficult to say the words you have highlighted.

That is why I suggest she starts by telling the therapist that she is having problems speaking and why. If the therapist is any good then they will respond accordingly.

When I went to my therapist the first time, it was to try and save my marriage and make it end.  I went in and it all just fell out.  In the end he said I could try "going out with the girls", which I knew would go over with the wife, like fart in church.

Eventually I did go back to him to begin Transition.  It was then that he said that he knew I would be back.  He said "It is obvious you are Transsexual".

I know enough about my personality to know that I know what I want to do, I often times just need someone else to give me "permission" to do it.  I was eager to see my therapist for my first appointment this week, and yet I was still like a deer in the headlights at times.  He suggested I try writing about my thoughts and feelings, which I'd been thinking about doing anyways, and its been such a huge help in helping me work through everything in my head right now.

Like others have said, theres nothing wrong with taking notes with you to your sessions, within reason you can do pretty much anything you want with those 45 minutes, its your time - not theirs.  Actually, here's a thought.  Mitch Hedberg was so afraid of the audience's reaction he would do his entire routine with his back to them.  Maybe not something as extreme, but think about what it would take for you to tell your therapist what's really on your mind.  I once wrote a letter and mailed it to a therapist I was seeing just for those reasons.

hi everyone one my name is jennifer and im from buffalo ny and im ts just starting out i got my first appt with gender doctor this thursaday i cant wait too star this process its been long very painful im getting divocred and have four kids im going have hard time comming out too them i just told my mom shes 100 percent behind me i was happy i finally toldsomeone thats small intro on me thanks for having me  jennifer

Hey jennifer. It's great to meet you.

Opening up is hard, you have to be ready. When I told my friend Heidi she was the first person I'd truly been honest with about myself. Once I'd opened up to one person doing the rest was easy (well not easy as such, there were still a number of challenges to overcome) but the first step is always the hardest. take your time, build a rapport and you'll be fine...you'll find that being open about yourself is a bit of a narcotic and suddenly hiding things away and not talking about them seems like an anathema.

Thanks guys!! Will keep it in mind and hopefully will be brave enough to tell this to my therapist.... 

Next sessions on day after today... keeping fingers crossed that it will go well..... also getting my MMPI test result from her....

PS: Helena like your new profile pic!!