So, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a smidge drunk right now. But not so much that I'm totally gone or anything. Anyhoo...I think that now more than ever, I intend to present male once I lose weight. I'm absolutely determined to take on a raw, vegan diet come January (I have to wait until I get my refund from the university so I can afford actual vegetables). I absolutely believe that I will be a famous author. I'm not just tooting my own horn; I've seen what gets published and I know what's popular, so I have a good idea of what I need to do. Not only that, but I'm in creative writing courses with graduate students and I am at least one of the top two writers in the course. It's science to a point and I know that I'm pretty good. So anyway, I want to present as an androgynous male.
So I guess what I want to know is, do you all think that a gay man would ever be satisfied with another gay, male identified person who happens to have a female body? I believe that it is possible, but I also sometimes believe that it will never happen. I don't know if that is because I have never known love or because it seems improbable. I mean, a hole is a hole and a person is a person despite their sexual organs. I didn't choose to be female bodied. Thoughts?
For some background, I was never allowed to be a child. Children should never be seen or heard, in my parents' case. My parents, while they are not bad people, were not parents. They were too young and I was often in the awkward position of being taken care of by my grandparents while a cousin of the exact same age was not because her parents were able to take care of her. Either way, her mother interrogated me all the time about who bought me what. I was also never grateful enough to my grandparents, which is hard enough on a child. I didn't say "thank you" enough and I wasn't perfect enough (how much is enough, anyway?). I made good grades, but I honestly thought a 95% was a bad grade because it was almost a B. I was never quiet enough or still enough and at the same time, I was awkward because I was too quiet and still. I didn't even realize that it was weird to ask for a drink every time I wanted one until I was 15 when one of my friends told me, "you don't have to ask, you can just get one if you want it." I was called "lazy" more times than I can remember because I always asked and I guess people assumed that I wanted them to get it for me. I was the saddest, loneliest child you could have ever met. I was about seven the first time that I wished I hadn't been born. I don't even remember why I was upset. But the moment I had that thought, it felt as though something were ripped right from my body. It physically hurt as much as it emotionally hurt.
As much as I love my parents, I hate them too. That's not so much about gender, I suppose. My father was WAY too hard on me and my mother is the most passive pushover you could ever meet. My first memory of my father is when I was three. I was standing in front of him in the trailer next door to my maternal grandparents' house; I licked my lips and he took off his belt and hit me a few times because he thought I stuck my tongue out at him. I don't remember much other than my mother came into my bedroom after I ran in there and said, "you shouldn't have stuck your tongue out at him." It was always like that. No matter how in the wrong HE was, I shouldn't have done what I did, even if I didn't really do anything.
I suppose my biggest issue is that I don't know how much of all this is psychological and how much is biological. The grandparents who raised me died within two years of each other and as much as I miss them and appreciate what they did for me, I'm angry with them for not taking a stand against my aunt and not for just taking care of me because I was a child, not because my father didn't love me. My grandmother told me that the reason she and my grandfather loved me and my brother so much was because our father didn't. That was another source of pain. My little brother. He's 12 years younger than me and honestly, either the kid is borderline or he's the most selfish person on the planet. I also think that borderline personality disorder/depression run on my dad's side of the family. I was a soulless bag of flesh by the time I was 14. My brother loses his ->-bleeped-<- over the smallest things. Is it psychological or biological? Both, perhaps? I'm really confused (and quite drunk, which makes this sort of confession much easier...I do get tired of carrying it all by myself).
I'd really like any input and advice. I don't know how to trust another person. I've never relied on another person in my entire life; not my mother, father, brother, grandparents, teachers, preachers, etc. Always, always so alone. I believe, at least to a certain extent, that I will never be worth the love of another person. I'm cold. Terribly cold and I've lost friends because of my coldness. I expect other people to deal with their own situations because I have always taken care of my own. I am accustomed to taking care of everything all by myself. Am I crazy? Is it so strange to want help for once, but to also distrust any help that is offered? No one ever really means it when they offer help. Everything I have I earned myself, but I'm terribly in debt thanks to school and the inability to find a job when I graduated the first time. What do I do? Do I risk everything that I have built by relying on another person? Would I even know love if I tried to find it? Would I be able to trust someone who said they loved me? I don't know. It's never happened before.
I have three friends, a straight couple, and a gay friend; I'd do anything for them. Should I tell them? To be honest, I probably won't. But they are my favorite people and they already like me. They like my pen name too.

That's my alter ego. I can't tell you yet, just in case, you know? Anyway, I don't know what exactly I'm getting at. I know that I'd give anything to be loved, but also that I don't trust a soul in the world. How do you learn to trust? How do you learn to let go of that protective wall that has kept you safe for so long?
I'll tell you a secret (well, I guess it's not a secret if I tell you, is it?). Once, about 5 or 6 years ago...my grandmother was still alive, so I was...23? I guess that's right, so the summer of 2005-ish. I was driving to my friend's house and there was a semi coming down a straight stretch towards me. I thought, "all I'd have to do is turn the wheel," and at that moment, I was so relieved. Just completely washed over with relief at the thought that I wouldn't be hear to f@#$ up anymore. For a single moment, I was at peace and then I realized that it would make my mother cry. If I died, I would definitely be a source of sorrow for my mother, more so than I was already.
Anyway, I'm just glad to unload all that. All the years of worthlessness, all the years of suicidal thoughts, of wanting to disappear, all the years of confusion and distrust that have followed. I don't really know what to do with it all. I am doing my best to use those feelings of the past in my writing; to teach those who come into contact with me how to do deal with us. But how do I change myself? I want so badly to love another person. I just don't know that I can. (FYI: when I was 25/26ish, I decided that I wouldn't be sad anymore...and for the most part, I'm not. I won't ever kill myself. I know that, but how do I let someone in?)
So, 1.) bow down at my ability to type drunk

and 2.) feel free to offer up any advice than you can. What can I expect? Am I naive for thinking that any man would want a person like me? (I suppose I should add that I hate women...it's a mom/anger thing, you know? I've never had a good relationship with a woman, so it'll never happen. Let's focus on the men.)
I feel better. Every time my bank account gets low I get down in the dumps, but at the same time, I recognize who I really am. I put on an act of femininity when I have money (at least enough to buy clothes, etc.). I even bought a short subscription to eHarmony, but I was so disappointed and sad with the results.
All right. Really. Drunk or not, I have to stop writing because I'm sure I'm being repetitive. Thanks for listening.