My first reaction is that your choice of language makes you sound like a troll.  That aside, there's nothing wrong necessarily with the way you feel.  In large part becuase of the gatekeeper system and Blanchard's crappy theories, as MtFs we're afraid to discuss some of our more um "impure" thoughts.

I don't know your personal story, but just based on your choice of words I would think very carefully about the choices you make in expressing your gender/sexuality.  Depending on how far you go with it before the reality of your situation sets in, you may not be able to go back. IMHO, your interest seems to be more in role playing then in the actual day to day aspects of being a female (non-sexual roles, etc).  Again think long and hard about the choices you make.

Quote from: regan on December 19, 2010, 02:35:37 PM
My first reaction is that your choice of language makes you sound like a troll.  That aside, there's nothing wrong necessarily with the way you feel.  In large part becuase of the gatekeeper system and Blanchard's crappy theories, as MtFs we're afraid to discuss some of our more um "impure" thoughts.

I don't know your personal story, but just based on your choice of words I would think very carefully about the choices you make in expressing your gender/sexuality.  Depending on how far you go with it before the reality of your situation sets in, you may not be able to go back. IMHO, your interest seems to be more in role playing then in the actual day to day aspects of being a female (non-sexual roles, etc).  Again think long and hard about the choices you make.

Well, I'm not a troll, just trying to work through things with the help of my trans family here.  I don't think you can know my story by one post and the use of a slang word for vagina.  I don't role play, so I don't know what you mean by that.  I don't try to pretend to be someone, I just am who I am.  As to choices, yes, every person should think long and hard before undergoing a life changing experience, which is one of the reasons that I seek feedback here at Susans.

One reason I started this thread was because I had concerns about having more of a desire for female anatomy than for having female clothes, but I guess I'm not unique in that.  I probably look at everything in the light of relationships (being codependent), so I focus on how transitioning would affect my relationships with others, especially a life partner.  I'm not to the point that I can say I would want to transition even if I never had sex again.  I might get to that point sometime, but not yet (maybe I'd feel different if I were younger). 

In the mean time, I'm letting my hair grow and will continue the search for who I really am, with the help of those who are on the same journey or who have made it already.

I had concerns about having more of a desire for female anatomy than for having female clothes

Which is the real deal about being a transsexual in the first place.

Yeah, I think we should cut her some slack on the terminology. I used (and preferred) that term throughout my life as a female as do many women.

When I saw the thread title, I did wonder what it was all about. When I saw it had been written by Robertina, it was no really surprise.

Robertina has had a hug and reassurance here before and contributed back as well.

It's always nice to see you Robertina.

Sitting in judgment isn't my gig.

The topic is not overly offending anyway. 

Of I want to be a complete woman as well, but I do love nice cloths so for me. I want it all!  So diet diet diet till I get it all!

hugs everyone
Simone.

I see clothes as an easy way to see myself as a female, so wearing them and buying clothes I like (being a conscious spender of course) make me feel I'm seeing what I can be. If SRS weren't such a huge wall to overcome, I think so many of us would have it done in a matter of months since initially discovering its possibility. Spending years with a reduced or non-existent sex life for the time it takes a majority to finally get to the procedure leaves a lot of time to think, and question ourselves. To me, this time is the biggest killer, trying to doubt myself, find some way to rationalize how I used to be or should be that society would prefer. Ultimately maybe all of this time to think will help in the end, after its all done the questions have already been answered, and I could get on with my life.

Like everyone else so far, I agree its not the clothes - its the body.  If it was just the clothes, I'd be a happy well adjusted crossdresser and I wouldn't worry about the rest of it.

Quote from: Melody on December 19, 2010, 12:07:34 PM
As to the main topic of this thread, I feel very much the same. For a long time I thought I was just a CD. My desire to have a vagina and experience sex from the "other side of the bed" I explained away as a kink. However, over time I realized the clothes were not enough. What I really wanted was a full female body and to have the world see me as and treat me like a woman. Everything else were half measures to make me feel better in the body I had. I would be lying if I didn't say clothes didn't have some importance, but I realized I was trans when I considered I wanted to be a woman even if I was forced to wear ugly sweat suits for the rest of my life.

As for the topic Dee just brought up, I think I may be experiencing the beginnings of it. I have lost just about all feelings of lust for women. I have noticed that I notice certain types of men a bit more as in "he is kinda cute," but nowhere near the strong attraction I used to feel for women. Basically, right now I feel confused and unfinished. Like a half-baked cake, if that makes any sense.

Melody, I am right there with ya. I don't feel the same way about women... the dynamics have completely changed. It's not rare, either, it happens to a lot of us. Dee is right, hormones really do rewire our brains. I'd like to explore this a bit further actually, but I think it's a bit off topic and deserves another thread...

As far as the OT I'm in agreement with everyone else, it's not about clothes; though wearing certain clothes can be an expression of how we feel inside, and in that case they can be somewhat important to some people.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 19, 2010, 03:24:41 AM
Sex feels like work to me mostly because i spent the last 365 days with my boyfriend having sex and after a while...i just dont want to do it as much. i am very busy all the time with my job, if it isnt my job then i am volunteering at the nearby elementary school or the homeless shelter down the street for the holidays. Then i gotta worry about laundry, the gym, breast cancer marathon, dinner every night, family parties, decorating the house for the holidays, then new years, then a trip to las vegas so he can gamble. So by the end of the night when i lay down i am exhausted and just not in the mood for sex. but i gotta do my part in satisfying him =]

so yes sometimes it is work lol

not my place to say - but if I'm ever i a relationship with a guy, and i'm so busy that sex feels like work (and I'm not getting paid ) then I'm going to chenge some priorities.

Call me selfish but I'd rather have a satisfying sexual relationship with my spouse than run a marathon, or volunteer at the school, or whatever.

Oh, and judging by your avatar i don't think you need to be overusing the gym, either - I can only ever dream of being that slender.

Tragically, about the only way you get to be that thin, and stay that thin, is by overusing the gym.

I used to consider myself androgyne, but after many years of soul searching I realized that I want to be truly female.  But it's not so much about society seeing me as female (although that would be nice) but it's really about having a body that feels right.  My male body just feels all wrong a clunky.

It's not really about sex either.  I'm bisexual anyway, and the male parts aren't completely terrible.  If it were only about the itty bits, I could live with that fairly easily.  But the body as a whole just feels wrong.  I don't like testes, the voice sounds all wrong, the proportions of the body feel strange, etc.

Everyday I feel like I'm driving a very badly designed vehicle.  Except that it's a vehicle I am always stuck in, and sleep is the only way out of it.  I can't explain to people why I would want to change the body, because there are plenty of other people with similarly designed body vehicles who are just fine.  The only difference between me and them, is that I am not them.  I do not feel like a man, I just happen to have the body of one.  Every move that I make feels completely awkward, and it's driving me insane.

^This. I identify so much with that piece of text !

Quote from: Tammy Hope on December 20, 2010, 03:42:23 AM
not my place to say - but if I'm ever i a relationship with a guy, and i'm so busy that sex feels like work (and I'm not getting paid ) then I'm going to chenge some priorities.

Call me selfish but I'd rather have a satisfying sexual relationship with my spouse than run a marathon, or volunteer at the school, or whatever.

Oh, and judging by your avatar i don't think you need to be overusing the gym, either - I can only ever dream of being that slender.

I agree with you there, and i think a good sexual relationship is really super important. Sex is just not that much of a priority for me, yes i do enjoy it...but only 4 times a week? I prefer traveling over sex ideally, i dont know if that is a bad thing.

As far as the gym goes, i definitely work out a lot...i enjoy it and it helps drive away my frustrations. i dont really watch what i eat so it is a consequence =]

I just had a thought that maybe one reason being able to have sex like a female is important to me is because if I am fortunate enough to ever fall in love again, I would prefer to be more of a traditional housewife on a little farm.  Part of that means pleasing my man, which is personally very pleasurable for me. 

Quote from: regan on December 19, 2010, 02:35:37 PMI don't know your personal story, but just based on your choice of words I would think very carefully about the choices you make in expressing your gender/sexuality.  Depending on how far you go with it before the reality of your situation sets in, you may not be able to go back. IMHO, your interest seems to be more in role playing then in the actual day to day aspects of being a female (non-sexual roles, etc).  Again think long and hard about the choices you make.

Robertina;

I have read more of your posts and what regan wrote about role playing had already crossed my mind long before this post. I think I already told you once that you seem to be focussed on sex 'too much'. I personally think that sex should not be the main reason to transition. Maybe it shouldn't be a reason at all. You might get dissapointed. I'm not saying that sex is your reason to transition. I'm just saying that it seems like sex is a 'theme' for you and that you might want to be cautious about the choices you make.

I remember that when I read one of your first post, or maybe it was your first post, that I could relate to you. The only difference between you and me at that time I think was that I sort of already had let go of the sex-part. In fact, I have also always been into sex very much and for a while I asked myself if sex wasn't one of the main reasons for wanting to transition. At that time it was hard for me to see my identity and sexual identity apart from each other. I knew that what I used to be like sexually would change. Well, it changed. It changed a lot. I was okay with that, because sex turned out not to be a reason to transition for me. My identity was my reason to transition.

How did I change sexually? Well.. I used to be able to have sex with whomever I wanted to and whenever I wanted to. Frankly, I used to have lots of sex, with different partners. I was always in the 'female role'. Did I enjoy sex? Yes I did, but not as much as I thought I was. Thinking about it now, I think that back then for me having sex was the only way to feel female, to feel my identity. That was a lie of course, but at the time it 'worked' for me. Now I am so much different. I fell in love with a guy at the start of summer and since then I haven't had sex with anyone else. That relationship more or less ended two months ago, but I still didn't have sex with anyone else. I 'normally' would have had sex with another guy (or more..) within a week probable, but now I wouldn't have sex with another guy if he would be hotter than my ex-bf AND would pay me $ 1,000. Did hormones change me? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm sure that hormones have a great impact. I still feel as sexual as I used to, I just don't want to share it with the first guy that comes along. It has all become much more about emotions and romance etc. If a guy wants sex too soon then I loose all interest in him. The way guys used to have sex with me, I wouldn't accept that now. Back then it was hot, now it would be disrespectful to me. The guys that I used to think of as 'hot' back then are more or less pigs to me now, lol. Sure, they still look hot to me, but if they don't take me out to dinner, then so long. I haven't had sex in two months, I rarely masturbate, but I'm very much okay with it all. The only guy I would have sex with now is my ex-bf, but that's also because something is still going on between us. But that's another topic, lol. I don't know if it's hormones, but pre-hormones I don't think I would have felt this way or would have allowed myself to feel this way. I think I would have dealt with it completely different. I can't say for sure of course, because I didn't meet THIS guy before hormones, but I think that's it. To me it all feels right. It sort of feels like who I am. I was already like that, but would have dealt with it differently. Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of what it has been like for me with you. Experiences of others may be totally different. Noone is the same. I just hope that transitioning isn't too much about sex for you. If it would have been about sex for me then I would have felt totally miserable by now. There may be others here who felt the way like you do and for whom it all worked out and if they are here I hope they will speak up to you.

I personally don't relate to 'I want a pussy more than clothes'. To me being socially accepted as woman is the most important thing right now. Clothes and appearance play a bigger role in that than 'pussy' does. Eventually I'll will probable have a vagina (sorry but I prefer that word over pussy, lol) but right now I am more concerned about other things. Oh, by the way, I don't think any straight guy is going to see you as female as long as you haven't transitioned socially, not even if you have a 'pussy'. Anyone please correct me if I'm wrong.. I think it's important for you to be seen as female by a straight guy, right?

I still don't understand the role playing comments.

I understand that if I am to ever have SRS, it would mean living as a woman full time.  My point in the first post was that I am more interested in changing my anatomy than I am in wearing female clothing, even though the two go together.  I had this concern because so many here on the board have talked about their long held desires to wear women's clothing, even since their childhood, and I did not follow that path.  I was mainly looking for feedback in that area, which some have already addressed.

BTW, I have had very little sex in my life - I'm not a sex fiend or anything, though I do enjoy it.  Romance is important to me too as are the many factors, in addition to sex, that make for a good relationship. 

Quote from: Robertina on December 20, 2010, 11:28:21 PM
I still don't understand the role playing comments.

I understand that if I am to ever have SRS, it would mean living as a woman full time.  My point in the first post was that I am more interested in changing my anatomy than I am in wearing female clothing, even though the two go together.  I had this concern because so many here on the board have talked about their long held desires to wear women's clothing, even since their childhood, and I did not follow that path.  I was mainly looking for feedback in that area, which some have already addressed.

BTW, I have had very little sex in my life - I'm not a sex fiend or anything, though I do enjoy it.  Romance is important to me too as are the many factors, in addition to sex, that make for a good relationship.

There are many trans women who never crossdressed. I think it's a coping mechanism that helps some and some not.

Quote from: Robertina on December 20, 2010, 07:29:26 PM
I just had a thought that maybe one reason being able to have sex like a female is important to me is because if I am fortunate enough to ever fall in love again, I would prefer to be more of a traditional housewife on a little farm.  Part of that means pleasing my man, which is personally very pleasurable for me.

Robertina.

This is possibly the most normal statatement I've read in a while.

I can't think of anything more natural than wanting to live a normal life, free from the problems and worries that come from the various hurdles put in our way.

I honestly thought I had found my dream, when I was in my late teens. I had a nice man, he was a little over twice my age. He was mature, very staid, reserved, strong and particular about how he liked things. He was also quite strict with me, if you understand.

I saw myself as his little wife, doing my best to pleased him in so many ways. We lived in a small flat, (apartment), in a nice part of a small town. Local shops, neighbours that didn't bother us, but were friendly.

Don't lose faith Robertina. Don't sell yourself short.

Just believe that you are entitled to a decent life.

Quote from: Robertina on December 20, 2010, 11:28:21 PM
I still don't understand the role playing comments.

I understand that if I am to ever have SRS, it would mean living as a woman full time.

Take nothing I say as being judgemental, but you really need to think carefully about the pathway you choose to follow.  By your own statements, you are essentially saying you have no interest in being a woman socially, only sexually.  That can be achieved through role play.  In order to have GRS, you need to have been living in the role of your target gender for at least a year.  Your word choice makes it sound like you would resign yourself to living as a woman post-GRS, not before.  There again, you are almost saying you would reluctantly be a woman anyways.  "Living as a woman" is somewhat loaded itself, it still implies you're playing a role (aka "role playing").  Only you can know for sure.

Quote from: Robertina on December 20, 2010, 11:28:21 PM
My point in the first post was that I am more interested in changing my anatomy than I am in wearing female clothing, even though the two go together.  I had this concern because so many here on the board have talked about their long held desires to wear women's clothing, even since their childhood, and I did not follow that path.  I was mainly looking for feedback in that area, which some have already addressed.

It's either about the clothes or it's not about the clothes.  People have all sorts of motivations in deciding to crossdress or not.  You need to read more into what people are talking about on this board in the context of their childhood experiences crossdressing.  Again, everyone's path is different so crossdressing or not is not enough to gauge your level of gender dysphoria.

Quote from: Robertina on December 20, 2010, 11:28:21 PM
BTW, I have had very little sex in my life - I'm not a sex fiend or anything, though I do enjoy it.  Romance is important to me too as are the many factors, in addition to sex, that make for a good relationship.

That's a rather mature view on relationships.  Ask yourself though, are you ready for the negative aspects of transition if all you really want is to be a woman in the bedroom?