Since I was about 15 (5 years ago) I created an online persona.  It started off when I was in a chat room one day under my own name (which is gender-neutral) and people assumed I was a girl, for whatever reason.  It felt so right the way they treated me, the way they responded to me, that I didn't want to correct them.  I developed a kind of obsession to keep going back to this chat room, as this was where I felt I could finally be myself.  So I found pretty girls pictures and passed them off as my own so it would fit in with the persona, and that was how it started.

I couldn't explain to myself why it felt so "right" and didn't really want to question it, as it was such a "bad" thing that I was doing, and it just felt weird that for some reason, I NEEDED to keep going back to it.  Looking back to my early childhood today, I was probably the typical transgendered child.  I grew up with 3 older sisters and I just felt like I was one of them.  All I wanted to do was play with dolls and girls toys, play dress up as girl, play house and be the mother, OBSESSED with mermaids, and just acted like a little girl.  That is, until the ages of around 8 when people started to look at me funny, wonder why I wanted to play with girls and girls toys, make me feel like what I was doing was wrong and what is not what a little boy like me is supposed to do.  I started to feel so ashamed of the desires I had, so I just tried to stop and fit in and be like the rest of the other boys.  The only person who didn't make me feel bad for it was my oldest sister, so when I was able, I would go to her house and she would buy me dolls and let me play in her clothes etc.  That was until she had her own daughter (5 years younger than me) so then I would make my excuses of wanting to play with girls toys and be with a little girl and pass them off as just "playing with my neice".

This carried on until I was about 13/14, when puberty hit and the teenage years started.  People in school were getting boyfriends/girlfriends, but never me, because I liked boys, but not in the "gay way", I wanted to be the female in the relationship, be looked after and treated like a girl should, not in the way that 2 boys would treat eachother.  This was around the time I created the female persona online, maybe as a way to feel the feelings my peers were experiencing, as a way of acting out how I felt inside, as a way of talking to boys the way I wanted to.  Like most people, the word 'transsexual' or 'transgendered' never really entered my head, and when it did, it was only because of flipping through TV shows and catching Jerry Springer and such where I learned about that phrase.  I thought it was just an operation that super-gay men had so they could be like a woman, or like the drag comedians I would see and hear about, I never realised the seriousness of it, what it meant or what it was, but again, neither do a lot of people out there, it is mainly limited to trashy TV shows and drag queens in gay clubs, and that's where I thought it ended.

So never did that once cross my mind that that was what I was, or might be, I just went along with what was making me happy at the time, and that was living out this online persona.  As I said, I used a different picture, but most of the person I came accross as, was just me, the way I am.  This was until I was about 16 when I started talking to a boy on this female account who lived about 5 minutes from me.  I'd seen him in real life a few times, but never actually spoke to him.  It just started off as innocent chatting, and after a while it got pretty serious.  I felt myself falling in love with this boy, and he said he felt the same about me.  He obviously just wanted to meet me, to be with me in real life, but I couldn't.  I had to make up excuses and reasons why we couldn't meet.  It went on for months and months, he got himself so down he said he felt like he wanted to jump off a bridge because he couldn't be with me and couldn't take the pain he felt each day over the situation.

I loved this boy so much, and all I wanted to do was be with him forever, so I came to the decision that if I told him the truth, if he loved me like he said he did, then he would be able to see past it.  Foolish maybe? I don't know, but I couldn't bare not being with him anymore, so I told him that I was a boy.  He freaked out and demanded to know who I was, but I didn't reveal my true identity because I knew that if he didn't take it well, I could be putting myself in danger, so I just told him the basics about me.  Don't get me wrong, I get told all the time how good looking I am, I get compliments almost daily, it wasn't that I was ugly.  He couldn't accept the truth, understandably, and told me he wanted to cut all contact because it was "just too weird". 

I felt heartbroken, completely disgused with myself for doing this to someone I loved, but completely heartbroken that I couldn't fix the situation.  The days turned into weeks and months and I slipped into a massive depression.  I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed most of the time, I went to my doctor and told him how depressed I was, but that I didn't wanna talk about why, and so he gave me some anti-depressants to take.  These made me feel numb, but I was just so confused over why I felt I had to keep coming back to this online persona, why I couldn't drag myself away from it and I had nobody to talk about it to.  I didn't wanna tell any of my friends because I just thought the whole situation was just so strange, they would never understand, even I couldn't understand why I was doing it!

I just had to convince myself that this boy would come to his senses and come back to me, while taking these anti-depressants, just praying that I would feel better, but neither of them seemed to happen.  The only way I could feel better was when I was living online as this female, it was the only time I felt at peace and "right".  I didn't wanna question why, so I just went along with it.

Over the next 2 years things got a little better, I accepted that my loved one wasn't coming back and I tried to get on with my life the best I could, but  still leading this double-life online.  This was until about April last year, when I began speaking to this other boy.  Again, he didn't live too far away and worked in a bar I would go to a lot with friends, so I would see him regularly, but I wouldn't speak to him.  We started talking on a daily basis online.  As awful as I felt about having to lie to him, I felt myself slowly starting to develop feelings for him.  The same kind of thing happened as last time, where he would want to meet me and I had to make up excuses, but I just couldn't bare the thought of losing him.  A few times he said he needed to cut all contact with me if I was willing to take the next step as his life was deterriorating, I pleaded with him not to, and he still went, but after a few days/weeks he would always come back, saying he loved me too much and he didn't wannna see me hurt.
We had such a special connection, we would talk about the things we wanted in life, the things we wanted to do together and he told me he would look after me and love me forever and it would just be so perfect because of this special bond we have.  He said he never felt like this about anyone before, and it just killed him that I wouldn't meet him.

I thought about telling him the truth, but I thought back to what happened last time and so selfishly I kept the truth at bay and told him "someday".  While this was happening, I got new job in a large company, and somebody pointed out this transsexual girl to me.  She was about 23, very pretty, tall, blonde, looked like she was happy whenever I saw her.  The only thing that stood out was her voice which was pretty manly.  I studied her and was so drawn to her, this was an actual normal person who wasn't just a man in a dress full of makeup outside the gay clubs in the city, this was just a normal person leading a normal life. 

I started to research the subject and find out what it actually meant.  I came accross all the usual websites with peoples own stories and read through them, and for the first time I completely related to what these stories read.  All the early childhood days of just whishing to wake up as a girl etc.   I realised that these people just lived normal lives the way they wanted as women, and weren't circus freaks.  Why hadn't I thought of this sooner?!

I immediately felt so relieved that I wasn't the only person in the world who felt like this, and that there was ways to change it.  The future started to look bright again, and then all of a sudden it started to look dark.  I would have to... change my whole life... have lots of surgeries... TELL people that I want to be a girl... that scared me so much, but deep down I knew it felt right.  I started to grow my hair out, shave my legs etc.  The relationship with this boy online was still going on, and I told him I am gonna find a therapist and deal with my issues, and soon, if he could still accept me, we could be together and have that life we talked about!  He was over the moon and supportive, although he didn't know what the reasons where I had to see this therapist.  He was just so eager to have me in his life, and I was just as eager to have him in mine, and to do this whole transitioning thing so I could be who I wanted.  I looked back and realised that those times I was trying to get away from the online persona and rid myself of it, that wasn't what I should have been doing, I should have been embracing it further and looking in to why I felt the way I did.

I sought out a therapist in my area and explained my situation, although she had never dealt with transgendered people before and couldn't really help with those kind of issues, she said she could help with the surrounding issues like making myself happy etc.  Around this time, I wrote a letter to my mum explaining what was going on, how I was feeling and how I had always felt.  Initially she was accepting, but her opinions changed daily, she would get so upset and say that she "didn't want that life for me".  I tried my hardest to explain, but I guess to parents its harder for them to understand.

Eventually, after 18 months of speaking to this boy online, I decided that enough was enough.  I was going through so much inside my own head coming to terms with this trans stuff, that I couldn't carry on lying to him.  I loved him SO much and I needed him in my life.  I knew it was a big risk, but he promised me over and over that no matter what my secret was, he was prepared to work at it with me.   I wrote him a very long letter explaining everything.  From the feelings I had when I was a small child right up to that day.  I said I promised him that I would do everything it took for it to work between us, I told him my plans for the future and just tried to get as much in to the letter as I could.

He came online after he had read it and told me that he was in tears.  He said he couldn't beleive I hadn't told him sooner and said he felt so much for me.   He was such a special boy, I was so lucky to have found someone so understanding and caring.  We talked for a long time about it, and he said he didn't know what would happen in the future between us, but no matter what, he would not abandon me and he said that he still loved me. 

I am so thankful for finding someone so special that I love so much.  This all happened about 3 months ago.  The trans stuff started to get very overwhelming, with the laser treatments and going to my doctor and explaining how I felt, the whole situation was so so scary.  I needed the one I loved with me to help get me through it, but he told me that it was too soon, that he didn't want to meet me yet because he couldn't be attracted to me as a boy.  I just tried to be patient and try and make the relationship as much the way it used to be as I could, but now it feels like he doesn't put half the effort in to it as he used to.  I feel like this is the time when I need my special one with me to hold me and cuddle me, but he didn't want to be there.  This is pretty much still as it is, like he is trying to distance himself from me, but I really don't want him to do that.  I'd love nothing more than for him to meet me so I could show him that I am still me, but right now he doesn't want to let me.

Coming up to Christmas, I feel so lonely a lot of the time.  Most nights I cry myself to sleep over everything that's going on, how massive and scary everything is, what I'm gonna do to salvage a life worth living out of this, and most importantly, how I am gonna make this relationship last.

I'm sorry for the late introduction to myself, I have been on this forum for quite a few months now and have not done a lot of posting about myself, so I'm sorry for rambling and thank you for reading my story.

Wow, in a lot of ways your story reminds me a lot of my life.

What I will say, is if... or should I say rather, WHEN, I was in your position. First thing I did was go to the doctor seeking HRT. Took a few months and a bit of self medicating, but I eventually got it, never regretted it.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, I honestly wish for better things to come for you in the future.

And thanks for sharing your story. 

@ Jennifer90:

What a remarkable story.  In so many ways, your story is like the story of so many of us here at Susan's Place.  Of course, your story is very special.  The relationship that you developed online sounds amazing.  You're very young, and I'm guessing he is too.  Give it time.  He may come around in time, especially if you actually transition, which it sounds like you are doing with laser treatments and all.

Because you're only 20, HRT is likely to work remarkably well for you.  It is entirely possible that you will be having amazing results from HRT, and wait until he sees you then!  Think it can't happen?  Think again.  Here are two websites about transsexuals like us that do profiles of T-girls who have transitioned.  Several of them found guys and are very happy with them.  My point?  The guys accepted them. 

Lynn Conway's website ... check out the profiles:

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html

Karen Serenity's website ... check out the profiles:

http://www.karenserenity.com/OldSerenity/main.htm

By the way, yes, hon:  The whole process is daunting when you think about all that is involved and how long it takes.  Anything worthwhile in life takes sustained effort and resolute determination in order to achieve it.  If transitioning is what you want, you can SO do it!

Many of us on here are doing it, and so can you.  Time is on your side!  Many of us on here wish we could have started transitioning at your age.  Good luck!       Lacey

Hi Jennifer,

There is no reason to apologize for writing a long letter. I read every word.  The one thought that kept coming to my head is something that two people, my therapist and my endocrinologist told me several years ago, namely that I have to be whom I am first and then everything else will follow.  People do not like change.  Add to that the fact that sexual orientation is not learnt, but rather is.  Your friend is straight and if he would see you as a boy that is too much for him.  Do not forget that he is not 30 or 40, where he could deal with this big topic easier.  It is hard on him too.

I know that it is hard for you, but you have to be yourself first and then everything else will follow.  I made this mistake and am paying the price now, although it is hard to know in my case what I should have done differently in the past.

You seem to be doing well and you have a good grasp on things.  You will do well.  Just keep up what you are doing.

By the way, going to laser treatments is not a small thing.  I remember the first time that I went, and I was not twenty.  I was twice that.  I cried and cried.  I was absolutely alone with nobody.  Ever the session, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to look at things and cheer up, but that made things worse.  I so desperately wanted a loved one, my special someone next to me.

What is funny was that I was mortified by my facial hair and hated it with a passion.  I always tried to hide it.  I was happy for the laser treatment, but scared too.  Even I resisted change.  I was finally making a change.  I guess that I was scared.  The situation was made worse, when the head of the laser clinic kibitzed and said:  "Another hair just got murdered."  He would continuously make these type of statements.  You can imagine what was going on in my head at the time.  God that was painful.

In a few weeks, of course, I got used to things, although then I was embarrassed, as I was not completely out at the time.

You are doing well.  Just take things at your own pace.  Your boyfriend will come around. He is still there.  You may or may not have him this Christmas, but you will, if he is the right now.

Hopefully your mum will come around too.  She will, when she sees that you are happy and not a freak or suffering financially.

Thank you for your lovely replies 

As you can see we are ALL here for YOU! As they said before me, we all share the "pain" and the "joy" of being who we are on here. You'll find as I did, that it can be an extreme alleviation just to vent (and share) as you did.
Peace,
Stephie

Thanks Stephanie

I had a talk with the boy a few nights ago.  After a long conversation he said he has moved on from wanting to be with me now and just wants us to be friends.  I pleaded with him to give me a chance, I said I promise I could make him happy and I would do anything and everything to make sure of it.  He just kept saying over and over he didn't want it to and he just wanted us to be friends

Last night I sent him a text asking if he would like to meet up one night this week before Christmas so we could get to know eachother face to face, not as a date but just as friends.  He didn't reply but just came online earlier and said he didn't want us to meet, he thinks I would only see how much he has moved on from wanting to be with me and it would only cause me more pain

Again, I said I just want us both to see what eachother are like face to face, that's the only way we could move forward but he just wouldn't accept it.

I'm so sick of crying myself to sleep every night, I cry like 3 times each day because my heart is aching so much and I feel so helpless.  How can someone not want to give love a chance when the other person has promised they would do anything and everything to make it work? I'm not asking for marriage, I'm just asking for a chance

Just makes all the trans stuff so harder, I am supposed to be making an appointment to see my doctor about blood tests for hormones, but with all this going on it just feels like I am facing enough pain and hurt at the moment that I'm not ready to put myself through more with all the trans issues.  Really don't know what to do anymore.

As hard as it is, you can only move forward to be you.  Be celibate for a while if need be.  He is not the only fish in the sea.

Janet, I have been crying all day long, I literally can't stop.  I went to weekly therapy for 4 months looking for an answer to what I could do to keep the most precious thing in my life.  Now he doesn't even wanna try. I am hurting so much, I just wanna die I cant deal with this pain.........

I know it is hard, but you will go on.  You might not think so now, but you will.  I have been thru a lot of heartache and it always gets better.

Hugs

So have I, and it's never got better.

As it happens with Transpeople, they walk away from a good thing.  I can only think that you have explained it all to him.  Have you tried to tell him that you'll want to remain friends?

And then maybe you can build it back up.  I wish I could do more to help the pain hurt less.

I'm not sure if you have read all of my original post Janet, I know its lengthy but it pretty much explains all about the nature of our relationship.  He said he wants to remain friends, but just online friends (even though he lives 10 minutes away).  I want to meet him so I can show him the person I am, but he refuses. 

I have fought so hard for this relationship to last because its the only thing in life worth getting out of bed for every day.  Without it, I just don't wanna be here anymore and I feel all of this trans stuff is just gonna hurt me even more once I get started on the journey.  Just looks like a downward spiral.

Lonliness up ahead, emptiness behind, where do I go.

I did read it and that is why I am here.  I also had an online relationship that ended badly.  If he will remain friends online, you are at least in contact.  And maybe you can walk into where he works one day and accidently bump into him.

And you are young.  Trust this old broad that there are others out there.  Just look forward to the day when all of this transition is behind you and you can go totally stealth if you so wish.

Hang in there.  Please.

Jennifer,

I have talked to you on several occasions through email and i have always known what a strong and beautiful person you are, i think that in a lot of ways being young and trans is so incredibly difficult at this age. Mostly because we are so impressionable and so fragile in a lot of ways, and things like love can be so fleeting and hurt so much more because of our trans status. I understand what you are going through because i did the online thing when i was 15 (before the hormones) and have found the fulfillment that you have described. but i hope you also don't give up hope as online relationships (as intense as they can be) are not always as solid as they appear. he wont understand where you are coming from because hes never met you, you may have been there for him in the past as a voice  and a comfort but the idea of trans is very new to some people and if he doesnt know you (which if youve never met he really doesnt know you)...it is a huge risk to take. I feel so horrible inside cause i feel like you are my little sister already and i wish that i had some magical powers to transform your fins into legs so you can run into his arms. but i cant do that...so i can only say that i am here for u too and i want you to get over this as fast as you can. you are young, worry about transition first and yourself first; and the guys will come after.

trust me, i have a sense that you will be a very very beautiful girl (you will!!!) and you will drive the guys crazy. you will see that there are many guys out there that are more than ready to be accepting of you once they know the real woman on the inside, but as the others have said...TRANSITION, and do it fast girl. just trust me on this one, dont let your heartbreak make you question this decision. you are young, get your wings girl!

I used to play a game called Second life. I had an online relationship on that game. They are just as hard on the emotions as in person relationship.  The sense of loss is just as painful if they end. But I think that you should go on with your transition stay in contact with your man friend and when you are done, if you still feel strongly for him. 
Try again.

But I have to say this. With time and age old flames grow colder and new flames heat up.  No man or woman is worth losing your life over if they don't feel the exact same about you.

You can't force love and you can't make someone love you.  All you can do is wait and see how it works out.

Hugs
Simone.

Janet, I think I am going to the place where he works on Sunday night (Boxing Day) but the bar is very popular and is always busy so even if he wanted to, he wouldn't have a chance to talk to me.  That's another reason why I wanted us to meet this week, becuase on Sunday if I do go to this bar, all he will see is a boy looking back at him.  He won't see the person I am, he wont see the person he has been talking to all this time, all he will see is a boy who he is unattracted to.

Thank you for your concern Janet, I have taken a bath and got in to bed and feel a little better after drying my eyes.  I have a therapy session on Thursday after work so I guess I'll just try and hold it out until then.

KillBelle, thank you for your kind words, you always say such nice inspiring things, thank you!

Simone V, you are right - the loss is just as painful, very painful.  But it's true that no man or woman is worth losing your life over, I've said that about other people's relationships in the past when I have heard of people doing this, how silly they are for losing their own life over somebody else - but when the hurting happens to yourself, it's understandable why they do it.

This reminded me of a story, when i was younger and before i had SRS...i had an online relationship with this guy for a few years, he was in the military and never knew i was trans.  We were very much in love, and i was absolutely crazy about him...like crazy enough to do something stupid. Well after i was on my hormones and was confident enough about myself to meet up with him, i bought a ticket to Baltimore (where he was stationed) to meet up and finally put that anxiety to rest. Baltimore is on the other corner of the country where i am from (CA) and the entire 15 hour flight was nothing short of torturous. Well we met and we fell in love with each other the way that we had predicted, we even talked about moving in together. But of course i couldnt because i was presurgery and i wasnt sure if he would accept it, anyway. So he was always questioning why we didnt have sex because we were crazy about each other, but i kept making excuses till the day i left. I decided once i get back to CA i would tell him.

At that time i was "tucking" and i actually used duct tape LMAO, well i accidently left the duct tape in his bathroom and i think he found out after i left for CA. He was devastated and just upped and left me lol. So yeah...it's insane and i was heartbroken, but that is another crazy out there story that i can share that is close to yours. I hope that at least made you smile a little bit =]

Haha @ the duct tape!

I've been abandoned too once revealing my true identity, it's the most painful thing I've ever experienced.  Love is supposed to conquer all, right? Ha.

I just wish this time I was given a chance.  Maybe I will get a chance with him one day, who knows. 

I think I get too attached to people who mean a lot to me.  When I love someone I really love them, like with everything I've got.  I'd do anything for them and anything to please them because they become my everything.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but right now it's definitely a problem!