Hi, I am currently at the point now where I feel like I need to transition. I am still young fortunately but have been in denial for a really long time about my trans issues. I was 14-15 when I first started doing research on the topic yet was very reluctant to believe I was transgendered because everything about it hurt so much. Somehow I feel fake or something. I know my feelings are real, and extremely intense. However as a child I was never particularly effeminate. I tried so hard to be a boy, however deep down inside it seemed impossible for me to actually identify as such. I basically started to withdraw from the world at a very young age ie 4-5 years old and went into my little shell. I could never relate to the other boys at my school because they always seemed so aggressive, and I was never interested in their type of play. Also, with the ones that were not like that, I still didn't seem to be able to relate to because they were either trekkies, or nerdy and although I would also consider myself a nerd it was as if we came from a different planet. I guess I wanted friends to comfort me, to share my feelings with, and gossip. Although I definitely feel I would have made a much better girl. I was always an outsider around them because they saw me as a boy, and of course I was socialized to see myself as a boy.
I was an only child growing up, so I was never really exposed to any feminine influence. However anything particularly male I would never be interested in, so basically everything I played with etc was gender neutral to some extent. I hated sports, did not have any interest in cars/ automobiles. Basically I was a loner. I played with my lego blocks building towers, or would go out in the field behind my house and fly my kite or pick wildflowers. I was always very very interested in the beuty of nature, and art. I had a deep deep passion for drawing and coloring with pencil crayons/ markers.
I know that to be a transsexual I do not have to be supper supper feminine/ girly but I definitely want to have an interest in fashion etc and display the proper mannerisms etc and not be as forceful/ aggressive as a guy. I want to be able to have smooth sensitive skin, and curves. To feel open/ connected to the world yet at the same time vulnerable. I fear that because I did not play with barbie dolls/ cross dress as a child that somehow it makes my transsexualism less legitimate. However when looking at the influences over my life. I was an only child boy, so I was not exposed to those types of female influences. As a kid I played with both boys and girls, however I definitely preferred playing with the girls because I seemed unable to relate to my male peers like I could the girls. Also, the girls I did play with. "Family Friends" were kind of tom boyish. SO, again, I never really had any real uber feminine influences. The boys on the other hand were always wrestling etc and trying to be dominant over each other and to me this felt totally alien. As I got older I then made more friends etc and they were either obsessed with video games, ie could play the same shooter game for 2-3 hours while I would possibly enjoy 35 minutes of it etc. As time went on and puberty approached I eventually lost my female friends and then really really withdrew. In high school I was always bothered by how the boys would be so mean to each other/ throw food/ always talk about girls like objects. By this time I knew internally that I identified myself as a girl. I began to hate my body, and felt as though the testosterone washing over me was an alien chemical destroying my soft features and beuty for thick muscles, hair and a sex drive that never felt right. At this time the body dysphoria was really really intense and I was suffering so much. In some ways perhaps I feel that not being a cross dresser may make me more legitimate perhaps, since my feminine nature was not brought about by conditioning, or a cross dressing fetish. However I think it would be easier for my parents etc family to understand if I was like a supper supper effeminate kid. Which I was not.
I feel like I need to be able to feel soft again, and free from testosterone, and the edge it built with me and my emotions. I just want estrogen so badly to aid in feminizing me both physically and emotionally I just want this sort of tension gone, and filled with the type of calmness that women seem to give off. To be seen as non threatening, nurturing type of nature. To support my partner emotionally and know he is strong, look after me and be able to protect me.
So, do you think that not being particularly feminine as a child makes me any less legitimate? I feel like I am definitely trans, but am still questioning a whole lot. But fear somehow that I will never pass, or can never be a true woman.
