Ok so I have a feeling I've got a lot to type so I'll apologize ahead of time.
I'd also like to say I've been a reader on these boards for some time, and would like to say I really do love that it's here because it sure can help someone, who's too afraid to even type a word about how they feel, get informed about a few things.
So I guess you all can call me Nicole, cause although it's not my real name, it is the name I've dreamed of having. I don't know exactly what I consider myself, somewhere between a MTF transsexual, and a bisexual male. I think I have a semi-typical story relative to some I have read here in the past. I was a less aggressive kid growing up, always calmer than the rest of the guys. Regardless, I had plenty of guy friends and fit in pretty well. I had an equal amount of girl friends though. So as I said, I was always the calm kid, but it in no way hindered me socially. If it isn't too much of a contradiction, I would even consider myself very outgoing. I was very interested in girls very early on, even kissing and all that jazz back when I was single digits. Of course back then it was less because of attraction and more because it was the thing to do. But I have a feeling now that it really didn't change to attraction ever. I always was envious of the roles the girls got to play. Even the girl I considered my earliest "crush"; I didn't want to date her, I wanted to switch places with her for a day. At the time it seemed like a silly fantasy until that fateful day surfing the net, when I came across a bounty of information on transsexualism, surgeries, hormones, etc. I think the most comforting thing wasn't actually the prospect that transitioning was possible, but that there were plenty of others that felt the way I did. So this about brings us up to age 15, and really it's kinda something that just annoyed me in the background. I went about normal life, playing sports, doing the whole high school thing, having girlfriends, and partying. Throughout all this my desire to transition and sexual feelings were kinda just my dirty little secrets, and I was deeply ashamed of them. I'm not even religious and I would pray that I would grow out of these feelings. So over the next four years I would manage to have time periods where I would forget that marrying the man I fall in love with is sometimes just as important a life goal to me as any of my vast dreams, or that every day I would rather go through the extra effort with appearance to wear something new and beautiful everyday, but at this point in my life that effort would be in vain. I find my best friends are girls, and my guy friends are merely friends. This probably seems like just another one of those childhood stories you guys read on here, because it is. If you sat through mine, well thanks, it does mean something to me.

So I covered the ground work as best I could, missing some details but thats ok. Time to get to the present. I just completed my first semester of college with great grades! I have lots of new friends and everything is great. I am home on winter break right now, and just as usually all these feelings came back with a vengeance. When I went to college I thought I was finally in the clear and maybe I wouldn't have to struggle through any of this anymore. Whenever life slows down and I can't keep myself distracted anymore I find myself thinking about how I want to be a woman day and night. And along with that I find it harder to suppress my desire to be with a man.

Im going to be 19 soon and it's getting harder to have faith that all this is just a little phenomenon. Lately, even though I have nothing to complain about with my life as it is, I've just had the desire to be a woman more. As if no level of success in this current life could relieve how I feel at the end of each day. Yet I think of all I would have to sacrifice to achieve this inner peace. The family would be gone, not even a question. Friends would drop like flies. And well, I'd have to change a lot about my current path, career and education wise, for a number of reasons. It's all just easier said than done. I think my love for my friends and family has really kept me from taking any action up until now, and I still wonder if it's worth it.

When did you all know it was time, did you have a specific moment? Cause I feel like it might be coming, but then again this is all so confusing I have no idea. >.<

So I guess the main point of this post was to vent, and I just wanted to feel like I was speaking to a crowd that would understand. Maybe this works as an introduction aswell.
I think instead of just reading, I'll try to be a more active voice around here from now on =)

Thanks for everything,
Nicole

PS, Feel like you have some good advice or some comparable life experiences? Share em! I'll take all I can get.
PPS, Oh ya, if any of this seems to not make sense, my apologizes. I decided to write this really late at night when I'm prone to errors.
PPPS, I really admire a lot of you on here, you've done things I could only dream of doing!

I know I was still "figuring things out" from about 12-18. Socially its not acceptable to be different... being trans is about as different as you can get. In fact, it was about 19 when I really began trying to understand about myself. Before then there was a lot of ups and downs regarding my gender identity.

Here is a link to my intro. It should give you some idea what some of my thoughts are on the matter and how I got there... Read it if you like:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,85862.0.htm

If you've got any questions, feel free to ask them, either via this thread or pm.

Hope this helps a little.

I felt very much as you did at 19. I think what you will find is that the feelings will never go away if you are trans. They might diminish for awhile, but they come back and stronger. Some of us finally reach a point that we cannot live any longer as we are and that is when we finally deal with it. You don't want to get there as usually at that point your life has become even more complicated with maybe a job, wife or children you could lose and certainly affect deeply.

My advice right now would be to seek out your college's counseling services and see if there is anyone there you could talk too. You also might try hooking up with any campus GLBT groups if they exist. The people there might have some valuable advice for you.

In any case, good luck. Don't let this linger unexamined in some way as the changes you will have to make only increase with time. Besides, you might be surprised at the reaction of family and friends. I don't know them, but it might not be as dire as you fear. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

Hi Nicole. Great to hear from you.

Quote from: nbern on December 22, 2010, 03:42:28 AM
Yet I think of all I would have to sacrifice to achieve this inner peace. The family would be gone, not even a question. Friends would drop like flies. And well, I'd have to change a lot about my current path, career and education wise, for a number of reasons. It's all just easier said than done. I think my love for my friends and family has really kept me from taking any action up until now, and I still wonder if it's worth it.

Virtually everyone here has talked themselves out of "it" at one point or another.  Google it and you can probably find just as many examples of people out there that thought if they just tried a bit harder at being male, the feelings would go away.  They don't.  That being said, I can think of a number of construction workers, police officers, firefighters and any number of other masculine careers that have successfully transitioned.  Don't fall victim to thinking you need to change anything about your career path (short of being a male model) in order to transition.  Don't give up on your education either, there are enough uneducated people in this world as it is.

What price are you going to put on your inner peace?  Your family members will grow old and die, friends aren't "friends forever" unless you're in kindergarden, and plenty of people have worked themselves to death to avoid someother unpleasant situation in their lives.  At the end of the day, you're still going to be battling your feelings.  For some people, inner peace is at the bottom of the bottle or at the tip of a needle.  Is that a life you want either?

Get with a therapist, figure out what your inner peace is and then set out to achieve it.

Quote from: nbern on December 22, 2010, 03:42:28 AM
When did you all know it was time, did you have a specific moment? Cause I feel like it might be coming, but then again this is all so confusing I have no idea. >.<

The best advice I once got was "everyone transitions when they're ready to."  There is no countdown timer, nothing will blow up if you cut the wrong wire.

I have to agree with regan, you don't need to change your career path and college is a fine time to transition if that is in the cards.

Therapists may be available through your school so that is not a bad place to start.

My need to change above all else came at about 25, I put it off for years by telling myself that my kids came first, the day the last one graduated, I started on transition.  I wish I could have started long ago but that was then and all I have is now.

Welcome to the board!

Hi Nicole

as you can see there are different ages when someone says now i need transition.
that's normal because we are all different people in different conditions, some of them where struggling with family, jobs or did allready build on their life in a different way so they had to suppressed their feelings.
Other people could freely speak about their feelings when they were in childhood and they sometimes were able to start earlier with transition.
But that's all unimportant to you, now it's all about your feelings, and when you feel the time is there and you've really thinked it over and sure about you want...just start.
Go for your happiness ..if it's in the same gender.. okay, if it's in the opposite gender....go for it.
whatever you decide...it for your own happiness.


love
annette