Hello everyone.
In Limbo recommended this board, said it was a good place to find some support etc.
Ah bit of background I guess.
I'm 24, pretty geeky, creatively inclined and physically male. I've been having transgender thoughts and feelings for a very long time. I've never really ever felt like a guy, and always thought I looked a little too feminine. Despite being tall I am very thin, not much muscle, and only really started to get facial hair in the last year or so(much to my horror). I've been trying to ignore the whole transgendered thing since i was 11 or so when i finally admitted to myself that if given the choice I would have preferred to be a girl. I've always kept my appearance androgynous enough to feel comfortable but not so much to raise suspicion. However in the last couple years my body has begun to become more and more masculine, hair began to recede in a very male way, facial and body hair really kicked in, shoulders have gotten more shouldery and so on. I've started to feel like if i don't do something about this soon I'm going to be stuck in a body that disgusts me for the rest of my life.
About 4 years ago i self medicated with a dermal estradiol gel for three months. It was sort of self destructive though as I was smoking a lot of cannabis and did not bother with consistent doses, and i was stealing it from my step mom. I stopped after i began to notice changes that I would not be able to hide and started to have doubts. I also met a girl and we hit it off started dating and ended up living together for 3 years. I finally came out to her and she was amazing about it, we stayed together for another year until I let my psychological problems (depression and anxiety) get the best of me.
When I was a kid the only transexual people I ever saw were the Maury Povich/Jerry Springer variety, and I knew I did not want to be one of them as they were all portrayed as trashy flamboyant men in tacky dresses. It was only when I was 19 that I finally got the courage to do some research into transgender stuff that i discovered that it is not all ->-bleeped-<-s and men in dresses.
Still i felt like I had passed the point of no return and would never be able to pass as a women thanks to my height so I started smoking weed as an escape and did my best to bury my feelings.
Now though i have hit a point where i cannot keep this buried any longer because it is eating me from the inside. I have lost all motivation and inpiration to do the things that I love like drawing, writing and being generally creative. All I do these days is smoke weed, play videogames and watch tv. I'm really tired of hiding.
I'm hoping to find some advice and support here, I am really lost and have only a vague idea on where to start. Just knowing that there are people out there experiencing the same feelings is a great help.
I look forward to participating in your online community and getting to know you all a bit!
Merry Christmas also!
-sam
