I went to a potluck supper on Christmas.  There were about 25 people there.  I've known the hostess for years, and there were a few familiar faces, but most of the people were new to me.  At one point I was playing cards with three others, none of whom I'd met before.  During the games, two of the three referred to me as "he" and quickly corrected themselves.  (Huh?)

It had been at least six months since I'd been "he'd" by a stranger.  (Family and old friends are still struggling at times.)  Several thousand people in my town know that I am trans, but I've traveled throughout much of the US without a problem.  I was curious if someone had told these people that I'm trans or if they read me, so I asked one of them after the games how obvious is it that I'm transsexual.  He said: "It's obvious."

Rats!

I had finally convinced myself that I was finally consistently looking like a woman and that I could relax and just live as Kate.  Now it seems that my being accepted as a woman has more to do with everyone else than with me.  It is yet another adjustment – to perhaps living the rest of my life as a transsexual.

I have to remind myself that my life now is still far better than it was.  I can't go back.  I had always feared that I would be stuck in the middle, and now it seems that I may be.  This year my Christmas present was a reality check.

Merry Christmas.

- Kate

Kate:

Your response to the situation was very appropriate.  It is society's problem, not yours.  And also, realize that while you may have been read, their response was to make the effort to treat you as you wished to be treated.

I still get sir'ed, especially on the phone.  And I have come to the conclusion it may always be this way, but it is their problem, not mine.  We live our lives being true to ourselves.  And really, few can say that.

To borrow from your other topic, yes, you have come out of your shell for all the world to see.  You hold your head up with pride and everyone admires that.

-Sandy

You know what I've learned Kate? Now matter how well we are convinced of something like our appearance or our passability or whatever, we never really know what other people think. We don't want to live in between as you say, I totally get that. I look at where you were when you first came to this site and where you are now. Think back to then. You have come so far. You seem really happy and even though some people might see something that you don't, that doesn't (or shouldn't) make you less happy.

You said "I had finally convinced myself that I was finally consistently looking like a woman and that I could relax and just live as Kate." C'mon sis, you don't have to stop doing that. Relax, go back to where you were before you asked. I sometimes ask people things like that too but I've learned that sometimes it's just better to let it go. You have such a positive outlook on life and so many people on this site look up to you. Look at your avatar, does THAT look like an unhappy person to you? No way, that's our KATE!!!! Smile and keep your head up, don't let them shake you and DON'T shake yourself up either Meghan

I've also learnt something in this life kate.

There are some people who will take any opportunity to ahev a side swipe at you. In those sort of social situations, it generally makes you feel so isolated, almost like you're an exhibit. But that's what some people do.

I strongly suggest they were told by someone. But regardless, as Megan, (Who has become a bit of an intellectual hero of mine to be honest), says, it's about you.

Without wanting to be too much the smart arse the phrase that came to my head was "ask a silly question..."

Of course he's going to say that. Asking the question lets someone know - even if before they only suspected. Once they KNOW it is of course obvious - it has to be otherwise they are admitting that they cant tell the difference - which for a lot of people is embarrassing.

So you actually can't read too much into it.

I have observed that in social situations, where we are not known, although neither of us gets spotted often, on the very rare occasion that we are, I do better than Alison despite the fact that she is patently far more attractive than I am. The only real differences are voice, and the fact that while she adopts a traditional female presentation mine is deliberately a little tomboyish - tunic over jeans or something.

On occasion I have probed the reason why Alison was identified whilst I was not - two things come out time and again, 1. My voice sounds natural (which it is because I never had to change it thanks to a puberty failure) and 2. I look too deliberately tomboyish to be trans - because to quote one observer verbatim "no one who wanted to be perceived as female would deliberately choose to dress in the style that you do!" a bit of a barbed compliment there.

Number 1. is pure luck 2. is very deliberate inverse psychology. I learned very early on that the way that I could pass with as near 100% success as makes no difference was to look as though I was a woman TRYING to appear a bit masculine. So that's what I do. Simples!

Don't let it play on your mind Kate. You do very well. The bottom line is we can't control how other people see us. The best you can hope for, if it matters to you, is to learn, as I have I have done, how to stack the dice. 

So let's see, I assume that you were invited to the potluck by the hostess, saw some people that you had known for years, and the worst that happened was that someone referred to you as he?  And you were somehow upset?  Kate, you and I are about the same age.  What would have happened in the same situation 30-40 years ago?  You would have been lucky if you weren't beat up, maybe even arrested in some states.  No one seems to have thrown down the cards and walked off muttering about not being willing to play with you.  This is progress!  I am sorry if you had a "moment", but you seem to say they corrected themselves.  Great! That seems to be the very definition of acceptance.  I understand that the point was about a "reality check" and being "stuck in the middle".  If we had had this level of acceptance when we were 18, we would have had decades to "learn the ropes."  Much of that does not come naturally, it is a learned action reinforced through social approbation.  In many societies that middle position is looked on favorably.  Certainly the American Indians had no trouble with it.  I think that striving to "fit the mold" may be a fine goal, but it sets us up for failure.  You seem to be accepted for who and what you are, and that smells like success to me. 

In situations where one person refers to you with the wrong pronoun, others tend to follow unsure what to use. So, sounds like you may have just been read by one person out of 25. Not bad odds. And since you're known around town as trans and by the hostess, who knows if they knew beforehand?

And Jenny's right. You kind of set yourself up for that answer. 
But even if you were read by this person, it doesn't necessarily say much about your passability or lack thereof. There's always going to be someone somewhere who picks up on some small detail everybody else misses.

The think one has to ask, is how many natal woman get "he" by some one.   But by even bring it up that way would just confirm they suspicions.

They see you and know you as "Kate".  That is all.

A friend told me that she did not ever want to see a picture of my male facade, because she knows me as a woman.

Being read will and does happen, just don't let it become anything more than a passing comment.

You'll often find that the people who claim 'It's obvious' have been pre-informed by someone.

Quote from: Vexing on December 26, 2010, 02:14:23 PM
You'll often find that the people who claim 'It's obvious' have been pre-informed by someone.

I agree with this.  But I don't know you irl, Kate, so I have no idea how you might come across to other people.  For the sake of argument, let's assume the worst case scenario.  Let's say that it is obvious that you're trans.  All things considered, how bad would this really be?  You're being true to yourself, so you must be happier than you were before transition.  And I bet that happiness rubs off on other people.  And even if people do see you as trans, they're treating you the way you want to be treated.  You're probably being perceived as something closer to who you really are than before transition.  Look at how far you've come.    At the very worst, the way you present yourself to people says, "I see myself as female.  Please treat me that way," which would be accurate no matter how well you pass.  And the people who count will respect that and treat you the way you want to be treated.  In my opinion, that's what matters.  Life is too short to focus on all the things you'd like to change but can't (such as how other people see you).  Just be true to yourself and surround yourself with good people.  And it sounds like you're doing just that.  Anyway, chances are you pass just fine, but, for whatever reason, not to those two people.

Quote from: Vexing on December 26, 2010, 02:14:23 PM
You'll often find that the people who claim 'It's obvious' have been pre-informed by someone.

QFT

Thanks, friends.  You've said what I needed to hear, which is basically: "Get over yourself Kate!" but in a nice way.

I don't know why I've been so emotionally fragile lately – perhaps the holidays.  I have it better than many and just need to toughen up.

Thanks.

- Kate

I'm so sorry to hear this.

That is one person,and you don't know for sure if they were previously informed. If you are not stealth, then you know anyone that meets you may have preconceived thoughts of you. I'm not saying bad thoughts, just memories or knowledge of you as a male.

I feel really strange offering my support for your circumstance. I'm the one that needs it!

The reason being is this is my main fear and I don't know how I will ever get past this point.

I have come to realize I will always be known as a trans woman, I have ties in my community, school(s), work,church, grocery stores............even if I passed 110%, if I am not stealth then people will always know the truth

I probably would of gone stealth 20 years ago, and may have just blended in. Who knows? I don't dwell on that though. I wouldn't have my wonderful children if I would of done that.

Shelly

Quote from: Alexmakenoise on December 26, 2010, 02:41:36 PM
I agree with this.  But I don't know you irl, Kate, so I have no idea how you might come across to other people.  For the sake of argument, let's assume the worst case scenario.  Let's say that it is obvious that you're trans.  All things considered, how bad would this really be?  You're being true to yourself, so you must be happier than you were before transition.  And I bet that happiness rubs off on other people.  And even if people do see you as trans, they're treating you the way you want to be treated.  You're probably being perceived as something closer to who you really are than before transition.  Look at how far you've come.    At the very worst, the way you present yourself to people says, "I see myself as female.  Please treat me that way," which would be accurate no matter how well you pass.  And the people who count will respect that and treat you the way you want to be treated.  In my opinion, that's what matters.  Life is too short to focus on all the things you'd like to change but can't (such as how other people see you).  Just be true to yourself and surround yourself with good people.  And it sounds like you're doing just that.  Anyway, chances are you pass just fine, but, for whatever reason, not to those two people.

I read your post AFTER I posted mine.

I agree with you. This is where I need to get too! I think my post may have sounded as if being a trans woman automatically makes people assume you are bad.

This was not my intention. I know there are many trans that feel proud of who they are, passing or not. I just have a hard time embracing this same feeling for me.