I'm just having a significant dysphoric episode right now, I'm just curious if the dysphoria that I'm having that others can relate to. 

I get up in the morning, I start to feel pretty feminine, I feel so girly.  I have to eventually face the reality that I'm not looking female nor have a female body (I would dress as female and go to sleep more often if it wasn't for the fact that I would never get out of bed or get outside of my place to do things since Its hard for me to go out dressed since my neighbors don't know about me.)

I feel bad that I can't be with others and express to others the way I feel and my strong desire to express myself in a feminine woman type of way.

I feel frustrated that I can't continually see myself on the outside as a woman.

I feel that I want to be a woman, not a feminine or gay man, I want to be a woman period. 

I see the male gender as associated with four things:  work (as identity), hunting (incl. fighting and war), competition, and sex.  I see women as associated with:  caring, relationships, raising children, maintaining families, beauty, affection, and deep emotional expression (among other things).  I associate with all of the female things and none of the male things.

I wish I can get rid of the "male persona", but can't because I have to keep on using it in daily life, and that if the "sexist thoughts" didn't oppress me at times, I would have long ago no doubt go for fully transitioning and being female.

I feel desperate and frustrated.  I wish I can cry but its hard to.

I wish that I could feel free in being female, I feel frustrated...


I now live in L.A. on my own but back when I was living with my mom in Tucson, and I couldn't dress, I used to have at times daily major dysphoric episodes that would last several hours, especially in the afternoon, many times triggered by seeing a girl/woman, or depictions of women, or feminine things, and the feeling that I could not be like them or allow myself to enjoy feminine things many times was a sharp pain in my heart, and making me feel sad and frustrated and desperate for hours until I could call a friend and talk out my feelings.

Minor help as it may have been, I'm glad you had a friend to call. It gets difficult at times to not want to scream or die (or both).

I'm going the other way but can relate to feeling fine in the morning, until something lets me know that 'oh, the body isn't right after all'.

Hi Katelyn

I agree - it sucks to be unable to fully express yourself, because your body feels wrong and invites he wrong treatment from others. I am hoping that the eventual success stories here at Susan's will eventually apply to me more clearly. I believe I have to have patience which is hard this late in life for me. I hope for patience for you to make your life easier as you transition.

For myself, I am finding social definitions and stereotyped socialization characteristics to be confusing to my sorting things out for myself.

You said,

QuoteI see the male gender as associated with four things:  work (as identity), hunting (incl. fighting and war), competition, and sex.  I see women as associated with:  caring, relationships, raising children, maintaining families, beauty, affection, and deep emotional expression (among other things).  I associate with all of the female things and none of the male things.

I know men who are caring, focus on relationships, feelings, beauty and raising children. I know women who care about work and competition above all. Many things this culture calls "male" other cultures label "female," and vice-versa. On "sex-role" inventories, I score "androgynous," which means I have "male" as well as "female" characteristics, some of which I like. Nevertheless, there seems to be a "world of men" and a "world of women," and I want to live in the womens' world, even if I cannot clearly define it. At parties I want to hang with the women, I do not identify with the men.

There is something about being male or female that seems to be outside of how we define and label them. Something that cannot say why it feels sadly wrong to see the wrong sex looking back at you in the mirror. Something that is nonetheless real and compelling.

So, yea, I feel dysphoria also, something similar. My heart goes out to you; I feel pain like yours.

Kendall

p.s. when I saw you dressed "en femme" you looked female to me.

^ I know, its just how I was feeling at the moment.  It's not so much as what you can do as to the extent and way you can do it is what is different by gender.  I myself don't like the androgynization of genders because I feel that it unintentionally moves to help discredit or help de-legitimize the need to transition, which is the last thing that many transgendered people want.

Hi Katelyn,

From another thread I read I didn't realise that your dysphoria was running that deep, I'm sorry to hear that you are restricted in your chances to dress up. I don't think it gets on my nerves quite as much as it does yours (yet), but it is probably because I can mostly dress up when I feel like it at the moment. In the morning when I wake up I remember very soon who I am, and I guess I think about it most of the time through the day now, and get frustrated if I don't get to dress up in public regularly. Last week I felt satisfied with the feminine look I got when I looked in the mirror as a man, but this week I feel far too masculine again. Then I get annoyed because my hair grows back so quickly after shaving. I try to focus on the positives, like how at least my hair is blond, so it doesn't show as a shadow, but it seems like I am becoming less satisfied with the changes I have already made, and want to make more. Sound familiar?   

Does your dysphoria come and go in waves, or does it seem to be steadily increasing over time? What you write makes me wonder whether mine will increase or decrease in the future.   

Yes I can relate, we seem to have very similar dysphoria going on.
but the other way around.

My mornings are usually thinking that I'm still the same person who's still not a woman, jet everyone thinks he is.
ugh.

I can totally relate to this. Its almost like just the way I look in the mirror or something always seems to make me feel feminine. I hate the texture of my skin, how fast my facial and body hair grows, my acne etc etc. I fear developing bulky muscles and if I see a picture of a beutiful woman smiling I think " I wish I was her" I havent really had a whole lot of opportunities to cross dress either. However hopefully soon. Now that I am open to myself now, I have been taking much better care of my appearance, and it makes me feel so good. I have been using new skin care products etc and removing hair. But it does not feel like enough. I want to get some makeup but am too scared to even go in the store to buy that kind of stuff.

Quote from: Chantal185 on January 09, 2011, 06:02:02 PM
I want to get some makeup but am too scared to even go in the store to buy that kind of stuff.

In the digital age of 2011, there is no need to step foot in a store.
Buy online and get it mailed to you.