I hope I don't offend anyone here by saying the word "freak". I don't mean to direct that at anyone else but myself. I personally feel like a freak when I think about being trans. Now, I don't consider myself trans at this moment, but I am hopefully going to speak to someone who does deal with gender issues to get to the bottom of this. After reading a few of these posts I do identify with a lot of what you guys are saying about how you feel about your bodies and about your childhood experiences and wanting to be male. I have quite a few stories myself.

But every time I think about it I get freaked out. I don't know how to handle it. I'm worried about what would my family/friends say if I did decide to go through with transition? I can't picture anyone using male pronouns or calling me by my chosen male name. I don't think anyone would take me seriously. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I keep telling myself to just not think about it and let it go it'll never happen. I do identify as a lesbian and my family is ok with that, but trans? That's a whole other ball of wax. I just don't think I'd be able to do it even if I do discover this is me. I currently have an underworks 988 binder which sucks because it doesn't bind great and it's too small AND I get the uniboob. I wore it and everyone was like "What the hell do you have on?". It might've been the fact that it did look odd with the uniboob thing. Which is why I'm getting the tritop a size bigger.

Regardless, I feel like a freak for even considering any of this. I'll never be feminine. EVER. It has yet to happen. Sometimes I long to be a straight male with my straight girlfriend, but it just seems like it'll never happen. I'm too afraid to really explore any of it. I mean, you guys have a lot of balls to actually transition let alone consider it. I don't know I just feel confused by the whole thing. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I just don't feel like I have much support....

Hey Fumbling.  I've been where you are - thinking to the point of worrying about everything.  Here's what I recommend based on what helped me.  Stop thinking for a moment.  Put aside the idea of gender.  And start doing whatever is comfortable for you.  And this includes experimenting. 

Get a binder that works.  Wear it as often as you want to wear it.  Do you have a friend with whom you can talk about any of this, at all?  If so, talk about it.  It really helps.  You don't have to officially come out as trans and ask them to call you by a different name and use different pronouns.  Just telling someone that the topic has been on your mind can be helpful, especially if it's with someone who is likely to be supportive of you, whatever you do.  Find a way to meet other trans or gender variant people IRL.  Even if you go to a support group and just listen without saying anything.  It'll give you a more realistic idea of whether or not you relate to being trans than you can get online.  You'll hear people talking about slightly different things too. 

Give yourself plenty of time to explore and experiment.  If you don't decide to transition, you'll be better off for having explored and learned more about the trans experience.  If you do transition, you'll know you're doing the right thing and won't have to worry so much. 

The things you're worrying about would indeed be pressing concerns if there was a rapidly approaching deadline for deciding whether or not you'll ever transition.  But there isn't.  Take your time, do what comes naturally, investigate as much as you want, don't be afraid to change your mind more than once, don't be afraid of indecision.  Eventually, you will figure out what you want to do. 

Best of luck to you!

Alex

Quote from: Alexmakenoise on December 24, 2010, 04:32:48 PM
Hey Fumbling.  I've been where you are - thinking to the point of worrying about everything.  Here's what I recommend based on what helped me.  Stop thinking for a moment.  Put aside the idea of gender.  And start doing whatever is comfortable for you.  And this includes experimenting. 

Get a binder that works.  Wear it as often as you want to wear it.  Do you have a friend with whom you can talk about any of this, at all?  If so, talk about it.  It really helps.  You don't have to officially come out as trans and ask them to call you by a different name and use different pronouns.  Just telling someone that the topic has been on your mind can be helpful, especially if it's with someone who is likely to be supportive of you, whatever you do.  Find a way to meet other trans or gender variant people IRL.  Even if you go to a support group and just listen without saying anything.  It'll give you a more realistic idea of whether or not you relate to being trans than you can get online.  You'll hear people talking about slightly different things too. 

Give yourself plenty of time to explore and experiment.  If you don't decide to transition, you'll be better off for having explored and learned more about the trans experience.  If you do transition, you'll know you're doing the right thing and won't have to worry so much. 

The things you're worrying about would indeed be pressing concerns if there was a rapidly approaching deadline for deciding whether or not you'll ever transition.  But there isn't.  Take your time, do what comes naturally, investigate as much as you want, don't be afraid to change your mind more than once, don't be afraid of indecision.  Eventually, you will figure out what you want to do. 

Best of luck to you!

Alex

Thanks. I will do that. Like I said, I'm hoping to see someone who specializes in gender/sexuality issues to help figure this all out. I do tend to obsess and worry about EVERYTHING and it does more harm than good. I really need to just step back and figure it out and give myself the time and freedom to do so. I'll see if there are any groups in my area. I'm just concerned because I'm not actually trans and I'm worried that they'd like not want me there or something. I don't know. Thank you.

I get that feeling a lot.   

I'm sure most of us have gone through this stage. I surely did, no matter what reasoning people threw at me that I was not a freak, I still felt like one. It's simply that we are not of the norm. I think to myself, why am I this way? But really it's a bad road to go down. You're making a mistake I made by assuming what way certain people are going to react. It only stressed me out more, and I ended up being completely wrong. Worry about what people will think as you're coming out to them, not before. It's a waste of worry. Besides, you're not even 100% sure you're trans yet at this point, so take it slow right now and really take time for YOU because that's what this is all about, not anyone you'd be coming out to. Find out what's good for your life before worrying about others!

Good luck in your journey. We're here for you, no matter what you find about yourself!

Quote from: Morgan on December 24, 2010, 10:48:43 PM
I'm sure most of us have gone through this stage. I surely did, no matter what reasoning people threw at me that I was not a freak, I still felt like one. It's simply that we are not of the norm. I think to myself, why am I this way? But really it's a bad road to go down. You're making a mistake I made by assuming what way certain people are going to react. It only stressed me out more, and I ended up being completely wrong. Worry about what people will think as you're coming out to them, not before. It's a waste of worry. Besides, you're not even 100% sure you're trans yet at this point, so take it slow right now and really take time for YOU because that's what this is all about, not anyone you'd be coming out to. Find out what's good for your life before worrying about others!

Good luck in your journey. We're here for you, no matter what you find about yourself!

Thank you. I'm thinking of asking my mom what she would do if I wanted to be a boy and see what she says. You're right about being completely wrong about people sometimes. My mom was friends with a mtf. She accepted her and talked about her in a positive way. My mom is lgbt friendly. More so than I am. lol So, it might not be that bad. But regardless, you're right. I spend WAY too much time worrying about others' opinion of me and my sexuality/gender that I don't give myself room to explore and find what's right for me. I really want to stop doing that and enjoy the journey. It'll be a good one I think.

Quote from: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy on December 25, 2010, 08:26:12 AM
Thank you. I'm thinking of asking my mom what she would do if I wanted to be a boy and see what she says. You're right about being completely wrong about people sometimes. My mom was friends with a mtf. She accepted her and talked about her in a positive way. My mom is lgbt friendly. More so than I am. lol So, it might not be that bad. But regardless, you're right. I spend WAY too much time worrying about others' opinion of me and my sexuality/gender that I don't give myself room to explore and find what's right for me. I really want to stop doing that and enjoy the journey. It'll be a good one I think.

It WILL be a good one! When I decided that this journey was right for me, my quality of life improved with every day, because I was truly becoming ME. It sounds like your mom will be okay with it. At the worst, she'll grieve over losing a daughter, but since she's as lgbt friendly as you say, she'll be joyous over gaining a son, and a happy son at that. So don't worry be happy

I understand how you feel. Every time I even think about considering transition I freak out when I think how my family would react. I can't bring myself to admit it to myself. 

yeah I got to that stage after breaking down, it was the doctors told me to shut it, and my mother who said 'if what you are is crazy, there would be no place in the sanitarium by now.'

Eventually it passed.


Don't worry to much about what other people think, its your life and its your full right to live it !

Fumbling, I don't have any advice or anything to share with you, but I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat as you.

We are our own worst enemy.  For me at least, I used similar thoughts as yours to help keep things hidden.  I convinced myself I would be chastised, made fun of, everyone would hate me for such a terrible thought as wanting to change gender.

It took me 50 years to understand otherwise.  Some close calls made me decide if I didn't come out I might not survive.  It was extremely hard, the ultimate embarrassment telling the first person, my wife.  But, she accepted and even helps a bit.  It was equally hard, maybe even more so, revealing myself to a psychologist.  But she was equally understanding and supportive.  The third person, a close friend, also accepted and we have the same friendship.  Each time it get's easier.  Each time the barrier so carefully constructed over the years continues to shrink.

These thoughts of 'can't' and 'never' are only in your own mind.

Only you can decide who you are.  No one else has the right to say. 

EVERYONE is a freak, in some way or another.
I can promise you this. There is no human being alive that fulfills all of what it is that society calls normal at once.

Stuff the idea of what is normal, do what is right for "you".
Go see the therapist, talk it out, figure out who you are and what is right for you and then just go do it.
Whether it's transition, building chimneys, full body tattoos, forming a band or training dolphins.

(As long as you operate within the law ofcourse... )