I haven't been on here a lot the last couple of weeks. First it was finals week, during which I got very little sleep
then it was Christmas Break. I've been all over the place. Since I've been staying with my best friend over break, we spent a lot of time with her family in various locations around the state. And I've just been not too disciplined since I haven't been in school. Been busy dealing with family and doing Holiday junk - namely hanging around my friend's house, sleeping until the late hours of the afternoon, and trying to find something to eat
I had a talk on the phone with my grandfather today. He sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago asking me to call, and I put it off for quite some time. He's a religious guy, as devout a Christian as they come, and I'm an atheist. He wrote in his letter that he thinks I'm doing something destructive that's going to end up with me being a broken, miserable person. That phone call today was the first time I've been anything close to open or honest with him in years. He basically rehashed all his arguments that he wrote to me - but in a ridiculously well-voiced manner. He's the most charismatic person I know. That talk with him was the most civil talk I've had with an elder family member in ages. If only my parents could be so respectful. He told me that he thinks what I'm doing is wrong, unnatural, and will end with me in misery, but he said that he'll always love me. We agreed to disagree. It was a bit disturbing, the things he told me. He said he's done counseling for a long time, and he said that this always ends in misery. But I mean, that's ridiculous. I mean, I don't expect my life to be easy, but I'm more determined and closer to being happy than I ever have been.
My other grandpa had a heart attack the other week. My dad managed to put at least some of the blame upon me. Dad told me that when he was talking to my grandma, she told him that Papaw had had high blood pressure at his last doctor's appointment a couple weeks before. When his doctor asked him if he was stressing about anything, he just said that he was worrying about me.
Hell, I'd be worried about me too. Everybody in the family knows there's
something going on between my parents and I. Something going on with me. I mean, I didn't feel bad at all honestly. Or well, not guilty. Old people have heart attacks. And I can't help who I am; that was never my choice.
It was trippy seeing my Papaw in the hospital. Really weird seeing him so weak like that. It was like he was trapped in his body. His entire body shook when he tried to get up, because he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to interact and not look so weak. He's a strong guy, and I could see the strength in his eyes when he sat there and struggled to make a thumbs-up with his hand. I hear he's recovering well.
After the whole affair with my grandpa having the heart attack, I decided to go to my family's Christmas celebration. Do the whole X-mas thing with them, open presents and all that. It was going to be a couple days after Christmas because of my Papaw being in the hospital, and there was some snow so my Mom told me there was going to be yet more delay. There wasn't, and I wasn't told they had already had Christmas until late that night, so I didn't make it. It was really frustrating at the time. I mean, my parents had made a
huge deal about me not staying with them for Winter Break. They took it as a betrayal. After the ->-bleeped-<- they said to me when I came out to them, I just couldn't do it. I mean, they had basically just disowned me and "un"-disowned me. It was kinda an emotionally complicated situation, but they've never really given a ->-bleeped-<- about anyone else's feelings. They didn't get what they wanted - me living with them during Christmas Break - so they bitched about it in the form of a lot of emotional outbursts etc. My mom's weak and pathetic and loves to cry and guilt you, and my dad is an angry, intimidating douchebag who loves to yell a lot. It's an awesome combination that I didn't really want to deal with over Winter Break. Anyway, they made a huge deal of me not coming home for break, so when they so easily forgot to contact me to tell me that the Christmas celebration had not been moved, it made me pretty angry. I mean, it was really frustrating. I'm over it now; I at least hope I can get together with some of the more pleasant members of my family before the end of break.
Phew. Anyways, I dyed my hair. I even made my profile on here an actual picture of me.
I'm hoping I can start on hormones and go full-time sometime this semester. I'm so glad to be in such an accepting atmosphere with my wonderful friends <3
Hope everyone has a wonderful New Year ^_^
