Thinking I should just give up on all this. I feel like I'll never be the guy I want to be, on the outside.
I go back and forth sometimes, thinking is this right for me? am I really trans? is T the right choice for me? am I a guy?
I have a T consultation in about 3-4 months.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and im happy with what I see, a good looking boy.
But sometimes I look and I hate what I see, a butch girl.
I just have so much against me, why couldn't I just have been born male..
Now I have to go through life being super small, with all the wrong body parts..
I don't even know if its worth trying, cause everytime I go after something I want..it ends badly..
IDK, just thinking too much I guess.

I know how you feel man. I think the same things a lot, especially the "am I really trans?" part. Even more often since there has been a lot of anti-trans stuff on the site lately. When I feel like this, I try to point out the things about myself that are really guy-like. Thinking about certain aspects of myself that I like makes me feel better. You should try that, or just distract yourself some other way. The thoughts usually go away after a while, I know you can get through it man! Good luck. 

if you spend time trying to focus on the things that are manly [or guy-like] about yourself while trying to diminish/deny those things that are feminine about you.... you're probably a ->-bleeped-<-.

Sure it sucks to never be able to have a dick ect... but I'll tell you I'm a lot happier now that the number of male things about me strongly outweighs those that are female about me. 

yep been in the same boat the last few weeks. It's discouraging. But I'll get through it. Family and friends pressure is soooo hard to ignore at times that it makes me feel like giving up, makes me doubt who I am. but I'll try my best, and hopefully once I get the T running in me.. things will turn around with them.

I think about that all the time. It's something with no going back, it's for real, forever; am I making the right choice?
But when I picture myself ten years from now, I always see myself as happy man.
Imagine your future, how you see yourself spending the rest of your life. Maybe it's a way to be sure.

MtFs go through exactly the same daily scenarios everytime we get a reminder of our maleness.
Just gotta look forward to the day when you realise that you have been some hours among strangers and were accepted as the new you.

You know I do that all the time.  I've been really really far into the closet. Trying to find a way to be happy as I am.
I don't hate myself so I figured I could just move on and get over it.
I told myself I'm too old, I'm a wife, a mother.. I'm also a predominantly gay guy. F****d up much?
You hear about people who would consider cutting themselves or even think of committing suicide ..
And I think "that's not me" but then I think of being 80, and in an old folks home.. And female.. And I know I'm trans because oh hell no, I'd rather die.
There it is.

Im glad im not the only one..I guess I just let others influence me too much, like society and how the world sees me and anti trans..I know what I feel and what I want but sometimes I doubt myself..And ppl just make me second guess, cause one second im sure and I know this is what I want: T for life and top surgery..But then someone reads me as female or someone close to me says something like are you sure blahblahblah..well of course im sure of course I know its a life change and theres no going back, do you think im stupid you think I havent thought this through..IDK I just wish I was one of those ppl who are so sure about themselves, they set their minds and stick to it..no I think a lot and it takes me forever to make a final decision and even then I still go through times of uncertainty..which may or may not be a good thing.

I think you should be glad you're not one of those people who "set their minds and stick to it." It closes your mind to other possibilities and points of view. That's how politics get so polarised. At the same time, I understand what you mean. Indecisiveness was my downfall, in and out of denial, constantly questioning and giving myself "what if" scenarios. I was very young when I started questioning my gender, but I still regret putting off my coming out and refusing to accept myself.

I don't think it ever stops. I'm on T now, and this is the most comfortable I've felt with my body since I was 9. And I still question. I'm so logical, I have to continue analysing everything, trying to figure out why, is gender incongruence psychological, neurological, biological? Why is it impossible for me to accept a female body when others can accept their own physical defects? I just have to remind myself that even if somehow, I'm wrong about who I really am, all of my reality is telling me otherwise. Emotionally, logically. I'm happier and no longer self destructive. If a little vial of hormones can make me want to live again, I'm not going to end it, occasionally uncertainty or no.

I had a really bad episode earlier this year. I felt stuck between being a freak, a man with female genitals, and being suicidally unhappy and dysphoric, or dead. I came so, so very close to that last option. But the "freak" part - that's society's problem. Not mine. Society dictates what normal is, their closemindedness was what would stop me from being an ordinary guy. Well, I've said f**k society enough times that it shouldn't faze me. This is just different because it affects everything for the rest of my life. But personally, I'm not so bothered by having a body that is only, say, 80% correct. Better than 0%. I don't want to be unhappy the rest of my life. And I kept going with the hope that transition would change that, and I had a better option. In the end, I wasn't stuck. I'm alive now, and not suicidal.

You're not alone. If your doubts are about your identity, how you feel emotionally towards transition - always keep an ear open for that. If you get on T and sense something's not right, listen to your instinct. Transition's not right for everyone, and you can be trans without hormones or surgery. You can still be yourself, male. But if your doubts are about if you will ever be "male enough," or have the perfect male body... take some deep breaths and relax. If your brain is male, no matter what body it inhabits, that body will be a male body in my definition, and the definition of many others. There are plenty of guys who are short, feminine, with high pitched voices, or with man-boobs, or who have lost their penises. Plus, transguys are all guys. Real guys. And there are lots of us around, even if we're not always visible. Your body may never be "perfect," but nobody has a perfect body. Everyone has flaws and insecurities. Trans people just have different insecurities than cis people.

Wow Nikolai, thanks for sharing your story and those inspirational words. Youve made me realize a few things and feel more comfortable abour myself. Im rather indecisive, but I guess I should be happy I don't make many quick decisions. I like to think think think, think things through think things over..but sometimes thinking too much leads to doubt. I guess I just have to stick with what I think and feel and not worry so much about what others think about me. Being trans is hard, life is about making important decisions..but being trans brings in life changing decisions that are in a sense irreversible. And thats scarier than life alone. But im gald youre still here man, you seem strong to have come through this far.
I guess I should be happy with what ive got, in my body sense wise. And with T I hope its enough for me.

Thanks guys makes me feel better too..