Someone decided today, after feeling snapped at, that they aren't going to use Susans anymore. Everyone here has been awesome to me but I guess he felt people had jumped at him over a simple question. I've seen a similar post to this in the past couple months but couldn't find it. So I just wanted to remind everyone to glance over their posts maybe? I don't know just felt something needed to be said. I remember on the last post everyone started apologizing on it, please don't think that is why I am posting this. I'm just sad to see a member leave because of a misunderstanding    

i know what you mean maybe, i saw a post similiar to this by Mrs, Erocse...i think. stating someone told her they were leaving from too many negative comments. all people have to do is look over what they typed before posting. and think.

I feel the same way, Andrew.  This person was very new (only a handful of posts) and was being treated very harshly unnecessarily.  I wanted to speak up at the time, but I guess I was afraid.  I hope we can convince this person to stick around.

Or perhaps someone is being a bit overly sensitive?

Perhaps, but this person might be a young teenager, and teenagers are very sensitive, and not just trans ones.

Quote from: sonopoly on December 30, 2010, 11:51:08 PM
Perhaps, but this person might be a young teenager, and teenagers are very sensitive, and not just trans ones.

Unfortunately the world doesn't cater to overly sensitive people, it is, overall, a very unfair place. If one doesn't acquire a certain amount of mental fortitude, one isn't going to survive.
Seriously, this place is like a box of sugar and kittens; if it's to tough for someone here, then I'm really worried about their ability to cope with, well, anything.

I think that some people come here to help them get stronger and get better at coping with the big cruel world.  Where else can they go?

Quote from: sonopoly on December 30, 2010, 11:57:05 PM
I think that some people come here to help them get stronger and get better at coping with the big cruel world.  Where else can they go?

To a counsellor?

The situation I was referring to in this post was handled Personally I just wanted this thread to be a reminder so while I won't ask an admin to lock it if everyone wants to talk about it but if not I can ask for it to be locked.

Vexing: While I respect your opinion I personally just don't agree. Part of what I love about the site is that everyone has their own opinion. This is a support site to help people cope with the cruel world. We're supposed to help each other not show everyone the cruel world.

If they are at that point.  It takes a while to get to that point, I think.  The internet is safe in this way.  One can be anonymous in sorting this stuff out.

Hi Andrew Scott,

As you know we try hard to keep the site supportive for all of the members, and yes some are very sensitive. We know and appreciate that. We know there are people on the site who are suffering terrible depression and those who are fighting to not suicide. We also know there are some who are extremely close to doing so. The Mods and Admins try to talk to these people publicly and privately.
We are also aware of how young some of our members are, after all we edit their ages out to protect them. And yese we try and keep an eye out for them, but it isn't easy. We are all volunteers who do this in our spare time and try and cover the 24 hour clock.

One point I do want to make is that anyone who posts and feels upset about a reply, even if it is being overtly sensitive; report the post so that the Mods can look at it. Even if the post is in fact harmless and the member is being too sensitive we can try and let them know that. While we scan hundreds of threads not all of us pick up on small items. So it is up to the members to let us know.

Vexing is also correct in that some of our members feel that we over protect the site. Our instruction comes from Susan, who owns this site and who wrote the Terms of Service and instructs Mods and Admins in how she wants them monitored. There are other sites that are less restricted and maybe people who want robust and aggressive arguments take membership at them?


Cindy James 

Quote from: Vexing on December 30, 2010, 11:54:42 PM
Unfortunately the world doesn't cater to overly sensitive people, it is, overall, a very unfair place. If one doesn't acquire a certain amount of mental fortitude, one isn't going to survive.
Seriously, this place is like a box of sugar and kittens; if it's to tough for someone here, then I'm really worried about their ability to cope with, well, anything.

I agree.  The world is a very harsh place.  Trying to make someone feel "fluffy bunny" all the time doesn't really help anything.

It's nice to feel validated and comforted.  But "reality" has a strange way of slapping you in the face regardless of how comfortable you can make yourself feel.  Sometimes, the best helping hand you can give someone is a swift kick in the bottom.

Quote from: Vexing on December 30, 2010, 11:54:42 PM
Unfortunately the world doesn't cater to overly sensitive people...

Yes, but we do.

Quote from: Renate on December 31, 2010, 06:55:34 AM
Yes, but we do.

I have to agree with this.

There's a lot of kind people on this forum.

Quote from: Vexing on December 30, 2010, 11:54:42 PM
Unfortunately the world doesn't cater to overly sensitive people, it is, overall, a very unfair place. If one doesn't acquire a certain amount of mental fortitude, one isn't going to survive.
Seriously, this place is like a box of sugar and kittens; if it's to tough for someone here, then I'm really worried about their ability to cope with, well, anything.

The last statement made me laugh, yeah it is like a box of sugar and kittens, but really being cruel to someone on the brink of "something horrible" is not the best option to deal with it.

The people that come here, some of them, are on the brink of doing something or just needing a helping friend. People can handle things, they just may not handle TG things well or something.

We're all different...all different lives.

There are occasional folk on the forums that are blunt, and occasional folk that push even a little further than that, but most folk here go out of their way to be nice.
I'm naturally the sort to be rather blunt, but I go out of my way to be nice.

A part of the problem is that some folk, maybe because they're feeling sensitive or abused in general, tend to read posts as if the forum's against them. They add a hostile, sarcastic, or angry tone of voice to the post they're reading.
It may be written from a soft spot, but when read with a hostile tone of voice, even the sweetest post will sound or feel like an insult or attack.
As such, it really doesn't matter what you type. If it's not what they want to read, they'll take it as an attack, as something hostile.
I've seen it time and time again, not just on trans-forums. Otherkin forums are notorious for this.
Even something as simple as going "what do you mean by that?" can cause a person to go "OMG! CLOSED MINDED! I LEAVE! MAKE MY OWN FORUM!" over there.. At least people over here are a little bit more stable..

It hurts though, to have someone misconstrue my posts and my intentions and decide to leave because of them.
It's not "fair" really. 'Specially when I feel like I'm giving good and honest advice which I genuinely believe would help and the response is to presume I'm attacking or trying to drive 'em away. :/

I would also like to add that being a moderator is like being a parent, at times a thankless and seemingly almost impossible task.

On the one hand you want to build up and support someone, and on the other the truth in what Vexing said is indisputable. Undoubtedly we do all also have to learn to stand on our own two feet and, to use the phrase that was oft quoted to me in my sensitive youth:  Grow Up and stop thinking that the world owes you anything , because it doesn't and the sooner you realise that and come to terms with the fact that survival is a daily battle for everyone, the sooner you will stop feeling that you are being unfairly targeted.

Yes we must be supportive - but the fact is that I cannot live someone else's life for them. Ultimately I can support them and help them to find their feet, but sooner of later it has to be THEM and not me that does the living and makes the choices.

Only the other day, forum staff were reminded by one the senior members of the staff team of the need to remain neutral in certain specific situations precisely because there is a careful balance to be struck between support and living someone else's life for them. (I hope I am not breaking any confidences by saying that).

Do we occasionally get it wrong? Yes we do. We are only human beings and sometimes we mess up. So ultimately, though I agree that we should all self censor, I also think that sometimes we have to speak the inconvenient truth, otherwise this just becomes a huge backslapping exercise which won't really help anyone. Support means helping people to deal with the REAL WORLD, not wrapping them in so much pink cotton wool that they lose touch with reality, after all.

Where I think some members could perhaps improve their practice (no names no pack drill - and I might even include myself here) is in the application of a little tact in the way that we post, and indeed matching the approach to the individual. Some people do need a good hard kick in the pants, others would be destroyed by that. The trick is to figure out which you are dealing with and then adjust your tone accordingly so that you achieve the desired result rather than merely causing hurt and offense.

Quote from: Vexing on December 30, 2010, 11:58:01 PM
To a counsellor?

I have to say that I respectfully disagree with this. I think a lot of people come to a place like this well before getting to a point of seeing a counsullor.  A good thing about this site is there are a lot of good people here that will help direct people to counsulling with a gender therapist.


I always dismissed the value of therapist and always viewed them as a gategeeker who was just going to tell me what I already know. I haven't seen one yet but after talking with a lot of others I think there may be a value in doing so, so I hope to see one soon.

Quote from: Vexing on December 30, 2010, 11:47:33 PM
Or perhaps someone is being a bit overly sensitive?

And possibly a bit of an attention seeker. If people are really hacked off with a forum they just leave rather than make a big song and dance about it.

The internets...moar serious than real life.

I am not aware of the specific poster and instance that inspired the post, so my comments are meant more generally.

The people who have been posting for a long time and sticking around these parts (moderators or not) are faced with new trans young'ens practically every single day. For some people, maybe it's easy to be sunshine and kittens and puppies every single time. For some people, I imagine it gets hard to treat every person as a new and unique individual who desperately needs support and light shined on confusion, when for every questioning person who finds peace - whether through transition or not - there are two new ones to replace them. The risk of burning out in giving support, esp online where people are often nameless and faceless, is very high, and anyone who feels like they can't be supportive of new posters asking the same questions should take some away instead of feeling compelled to reply.

That said, I think it is easy to get frustrated at new posters - young or not - who starts many different threads asking the same thing or who simply aren't using the search function to read anything else that anyone has written. We are a support forum, but if the answer to your question is posted three threads away that someone else started or on the next page, find it instead of asking again. This "I am a special snowflake, therefore *MY* version of the same question warrants new support and answers" attitude can wear down even the most sunshine, kittens and puppies posters.

Perhaps there could be some sort of visible FAQ or highlighting of the most popular/common questions  and threads.