Quote from: lilacwoman on January 01, 2011, 05:13:03 AM
Britney, don't capitulate or the rest of your life you will be told that you aren't really TS because you stopped and went back to being a boy.

Stick it out and as necessary modify your social circles.   It isn't easy.

I have to say I fully agree with Lilac.

You need to stick it out girl. People will get it wrong from time to time, but you mustn't let that put you off. Remember you are doing this for YOU and not for them. You are doing this because this is who you ARE not because you want their approval.

If they don't get it then walk away and find somewhere else to play but don't stop being YOU just because a few ignorant arses don't get it.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on December 31, 2010, 07:50:14 PMI still just feel kinda stupid being around people and I'm trying and trying and it's like no one sees me.

It's not you dear, it's them.

I celebrated christmas with a close friend and with her sister whom I hadn't seen since 20 years. Although my friend never told me that she doesn't see me as female I can tell that she is struggling because she keeps saying 'he' and when she calls me by my female name it always feels as if she is acting it a bit. I can also always tell when someone speaks to me like I'm a male or female and she speaks to me like I'm a male, or like I'm a trans (without realising that the female is already in me).

Anyway, we had a nice christmas day with the three of us and after a while my friends' sister mentions that she can hardly see anything male about me and that she would feel akward to call me by my old name etc. (I already knew that that's how she felt because she spoke to me like I'm female). While she is saying that I look at my friends face and see that she is probable thinking that she cannot believe what her sister just told me. I don't think I ever saw her eyes bigger before.. But I could also see that she was happy for me. The rest of the day my friend kept saying 'he' and I could tell that her sister was uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't be surprised if she afterwards told my friend (her sister) that it's not okay to call me a he.

I think that pretty much says it all. It doesn't have anything to do with how you look/behave/speak etc. People you're close to just have a hard time making the switch in their minds. It took me a while to figure out that it's them and not me (or you). Now that I know that, their opion on my femininity has become much less important to me. What's funny but also almost a bit sad is that it seems to occur more and more that others (people I'm not close to, people I just meet, etc.) are now in fact correcting my friends. I can see how that makes them feel silly..

Anyway I feel the same as you do. I'm trying to swallow all the he's from friends and family and I wonder how much longer I can take this. It's getting weirder every day, up to the point where I feel that they're litterally not even talking to me anymore but to something they thought I was. It simply doesn't work. I will give them time as long as I can cope with being a 'he' to them, but I am already anticipating to take a distance for some period of time from whomever it is necessary. I don't think an actual distance will make me feel more lonely than this does..

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on December 31, 2010, 08:12:56 PMI know it takes time, but I just feel stupid wearing makeup and trying to get the world to see the girl that's been hidden my whole life, but then people that I know and love act like nothings happening. I just feel kinda weird.

I feel exactly the same. It makes me feel stupid too. Sometimes it's almost like friends are waiting for something to happen, and when nothing happens (in their eyes) they're like 'Okay, then I can still treat HIM the way I always did.'

Last year I tried to share some feelings I had about transitioning with a friend and her response was 'WHAT is the problem? NOTHING has happened yet!'. She meant that I wasn't on hormones yet (I am now) and I didn't have surgery yet (still haven't) but she also meant (without saying it) that she did not view me as female at all and I am 100% sure that she didn't believe that anyone else viewed me as female too. If only she knew what had already happened at that time and if only she knew how others viewed me.. Every time I tried to share my feelings and experiences with her it made me feel like I was insane. Like I saw things that weren't there. I'm just so happy that others/strangers now seem to start correcting my friends. I wasn't so crazy after all, they were just blind.

I agree with a lot of what's been said, esp Joseph. So if you'll pardon me poking my FTM head in this thread...

...I had a similar situation with one of my best friends who has known me since I was 10 years old. She just kept butchering name and esp pronouns in public at first.

What I found helpful was having a serious conversation about how no one wakes up one day magically using the right pronouns (or name), just as no one wakes up one day fully transitioned with everything taken care of (clothing, voice, hair, let alone hormones or other medical stuff!). If she is waiting to just "get it right" at some point, that's not going to happen. There is no special pronoun/name fairy that will visit her, just like there is no MTF fairy that will visit you overnight, just like no one learns a new language by hoping they could speak it.

She has to TRY to use the right pronoun and name and she has to REMEMBER to keep TRYING at first. That's what you need to ask of her in a calm, but serious, manner. Recognize and tell her that it is hard for her, and you KNOW it is hard. But makes sure she understands that you have to "TRY" everyday is various ways to be seen as who you are, and it IS hard. It's hard for you, it's hard for her, it's hard for everyone. The way I phrased it in the early going is, "If I spend so much of my time and energy getting people to see who I really am on the inside, could you respect me enough to *try* to do these things that both respect who I am AND protect my safety? You can let her know that it is common to slip up and you are not asking for perfection. All you are asking for is an effort, and that your friendship - and safety - really depends on that effort.

The other part that I think is important to get to - after the trying - is the safety.  I think we try to sugarcoat being trans for the people closest to us. We don't want them to worry and when we can be seen as we truly are, we ARE happier than ever. There is a disconnect with just how much discrimination and how dangerous it can be, and I think we all downplay that latter part to not worry our family and friends, wihch leads them to not take things about safety as seriously as they should. I think it's reasonable to point out that she is inadvertently jeopardizing your safety, and you would hate to have to choose not to spend time with her, because of your wholly rational fears about your health.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on December 31, 2010, 09:22:52 PM
Simone I don't think I am. I'm in a really ->-bleeped-<-ty mood anyways and she hasn't texted me or anything. I'm tired of this. So I don't know what I'll do. I want to be with her but I don't want to be around a bunch of people, especially if they are all going to call me you know what.

Maybe it's time to find some new friends who accept you for who you are, instead of trying to make you into someone you are not comfortable being. After all, friends should never do that to each other. Your friends should respect your decisions and wishes, despite their own opinions and beliefs.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 01, 2011, 04:42:45 AM
I've decided not to go out as Britney any more. I don't think it's time. I mean if I can't trust people to call me she, I shouldn't play with my safety and blame them when they mess up.

Totally your own decision. However,  personally I'm not the type of person to allow others to dictate how I live my life. If you feel that you're personally not ready for daily interactions with you presenting as a female on a 24/7 basis, that's one thing... but to allow the opinions, ideals, beliefs, and judgements of others (friends or not) to shape your life and how you live it? Please reconsider. Life is to short to be unhappy. Really it is.

Also someone once told me transitioning is one of the most selfish things you'll ever do in life. You need to do it for YOU. Not for anyone else. Many times this will cause a lot of conflict, confusion, and indecision as people by nature like to please their family and friends. We are social creatures. And such acts of selfishness, somewhat go against this nature. However, you must do what you feel is right for you, and what makes you happy. Only you are living your life. Not anyone else.

First of all I don't know how I'm going to respond to all your replies, but I will. 🙂 And Second of all this thread got way off topic, when really it just started out as me not knowing how to deal with being full time when no one calls you the correct things. I'm full time but it's scary awkward embarrassing etc when I go out with someone and they are referring to me as he/Michael.

Quote from: Helena on January 01, 2011, 04:49:04 AM
Taking stock of your situation is always a good thing...but...don't let other people dictate the pace to you, just move at a pace you're comfortable with. I've said it before but you definitely do not need to apologise to anyone for being you, besides, i think you'd have the same thing happen as I did during the run up to going full time...when i was pretending to be a guy I got more odd looks, comments and generally just felt 100 times more obvious and awkward than when i was being myself, because I wasn't fooling anyone.

As to your friend...she's your best friend for a reason, but she also needs to understand how you feel...go for a cup of coffee or something and talk to her. Because she's you're best friend she'll hopefully understand and she'll respect your wishes. obviously with pre-transition friends there is a period of adjustment where they have to come to terms with things, but all we really want is for people to make an effort. But yeah, talk to her, bawl your eyes out if you have to, but try and get her to open up to you and to understand.

Finally, though I believe that ditching pre-transition friends just because they knew you from before is a bit cold, if she won't be honest with you after you've been honest with her, maybe it's time to make some new friends.

I don't like that idea either. I honestly don't think I could just walk away from her, she's my best friend and I don't want to. However I'm going to try and meet more people and if they are more supportive, who I hang around will probably change. I have some thinking to do. On one hand I feel as though I'm going at a good pace, about two months in I'm full time and passing 98% of the time, but on the other hand I feel like it's clear I haven't given my loved ones enough time to catch up. I don't know though. Stopping full time is kinda like de transition of a sort isn't it? 🙁 Maybe I will just say ->-bleeped-<- it. Like you said

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 01, 2011, 05:13:03 AM
Britney, don't capitulate or the rest of your life you will be told that you aren't really TS because you stopped and went back to being a boy.

Stick it out and as necessary modify your social circles.   It isn't easy.

The friend I'm talking about is the only friend I hang out with on a regular basis and I'd even go as far as saying she's my only friend. The rest of my high school friends and college friends either ditched me or stabbed me in the back. I'm constantly trying to make new friends though so it's fine

Quote from: rejennyrated on January 01, 2011, 05:30:19 AM
I have to say I fully agree with Lilac.

You need to stick it out girl. People will get it wrong from time to time, but you mustn't let that put you off. Remember you are doing this for YOU and not for them. You are doing this because this is who you ARE not because you want their approval.

If they don't get it then walk away and find somewhere else to play but don't stop being YOU just because a few ignorant arses don't get it.

You're right Jenny. I used to despise my appearance but now I'm liking it more and more, so I'm not going to stop.  I can't. For my mental health. I can't risk it.

Quote from: Riannah on January 01, 2011, 07:31:26 AM
It's not you dear, it's them.

I celebrated christmas with a close friend and with her sister whom I hadn't seen since 20 years. Although my friend never told me that she doesn't see me as female I can tell that she is struggling because she keeps saying 'he' and when she calls me by my female name it always feels as if she is acting it a bit. I can also always tell when someone speaks to me like I'm a male or female and she speaks to me like I'm a male, or like I'm a trans (without realising that the female is already in me).

Anyway, we had a nice christmas day with the three of us and after a while my friends' sister mentions that she can hardly see anything male about me and that she would feel akward to call me by my old name etc. (I already knew that that's how she felt because she spoke to me like I'm female). While she is saying that I look at my friends face and see that she is probable thinking that she cannot believe what her sister just told me. I don't think I ever saw her eyes bigger before.. But I could also see that she was happy for me. The rest of the day my friend kept saying 'he' and I could tell that her sister was uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't be surprised if she afterwards told my friend (her sister) that it's not okay to call me a he.

I think that pretty much says it all. It doesn't have anything to do with how you look/behave/speak etc. People you're close to just have a hard time making the switch in their minds. It took me a while to figure out that it's them and not me (or you). Now that I know that, their opion on my femininity has become much less important to me. What's funny but also almost a bit sad is that it seems to occur more and more that others (people I'm not close to, people I just meet, etc.) are now in fact correcting my friends. I can see how that makes them feel silly..

Anyway I feel the same as you do. I'm trying to swallow all the he's from friends and family and I wonder how much longer I can take this. It's getting weirder every day, up to the point where I feel that they're litterally not even talking to me anymore but to something they thought I was. It simply doesn't work. I will give them time as long as I can cope with being a 'he' to them, but I am already anticipating to take a distance for some period of time from whomever it is necessary. I don't think an actual distance will make me feel more lonely than this does..

What sucks about my family is I don't think the he's will ever stop. My parents do not support me and I don't think they ever will. 🙁 But I'm happy for you, maybe you should hang out with your friends sister haha.

Quote from: Riannah on January 01, 2011, 08:15:20 AM
I feel exactly the same. It makes me feel stupid too. Sometimes it's almost like friends are waiting for something to happen, and when nothing happens (in their eyes) they're like 'Okay, then I can still treat HIM the way I always did.'

Last year I tried to share some feelings I had about transitioning with a friend and her response was 'WHAT is the problem? NOTHING has happened yet!'. She meant that I wasn't on hormones yet (I am now) and I didn't have surgery yet (still haven't) but she also meant (without saying it) that she did not view me as female at all and I am 100% sure that she didn't believe that anyone else viewed me as female too. If only she knew what had already happened at that time and if only she knew how others viewed me.. Every time I tried to share my feelings and experiences with her it made me feel like I was insane. Like I saw things that weren't there. I'm just so happy that others/strangers now seem to start correcting my friends. I wasn't so crazy after all, they were just blind.

Quote from: Sean on January 01, 2011, 08:18:23 AM
I agree with a lot of what's been said, esp Joseph. So if you'll pardon me poking my FTM head in this thread...

...I had a similar situation with one of my best friends who has known me since I was 10 years old. She just kept butchering name and esp pronouns in public at first.

What I found helpful was having a serious conversation about how no one wakes up one day magically using the right pronouns (or name), just as no one wakes up one day fully transitioned with everything taken care of (clothing, voice, hair, let alone hormones or other medical stuff!). If she is waiting to just "get it right" at some point, that's not going to happen. There is no special pronoun/name fairy that will visit her, just like there is no MTF fairy that will visit you overnight, just like no one learns a new language by hoping they could speak it.

She has to TRY to use the right pronoun and name and she has to REMEMBER to keep TRYING at first. That's what you need to ask of her in a calm, but serious, manner. Recognize and tell her that it is hard for her, and you KNOW it is hard. But makes sure she understands that you have to "TRY" everyday is various ways to be seen as who you are, and it IS hard. It's hard for you, it's hard for her, it's hard for everyone. The way I phrased it in the early going is, "If I spend so much of my time and energy getting people to see who I really am on the inside, could you respect me enough to *try* to do these things that both respect who I am AND protect my safety? You can let her know that it is common to slip up and you are not asking for perfection. All you are asking for is an effort, and that your friendship - and safety - really depends on that effort.

The other part that I think is important to get to - after the trying - is the safety.  I think we try to sugarcoat being trans for the people closest to us. We don't want them to worry and when we can be seen as we truly are, we ARE happier than ever. There is a disconnect with just how much discrimination and how dangerous it can be, and I think we all downplay that latter part to not worry our family and friends, wihch leads them to not take things about safety as seriously as they should. I think it's reasonable to point out that she is inadvertently jeopardizing your safety, and you would hate to have to choose not to spend time with her, because of your wholly rational fears about your health.

You're right. We're going to dinner tonight (I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ALL YEAR...lol) And I think I will bring these things up. The last time she slipped up and said he, she said she didn't even notice. 🙁 And what makes me think she'll never get it is, she doesn't feel like she's talking about me when she says Britney or she.

Quote from: JennX on January 01, 2011, 10:13:59 AM
Maybe it's time to find some new friends who accept you for who you are, instead of trying to make you into someone you are not comfortable being. After all, friends should never do that to each other. Your friends should respect your decisions and wishes, despite their own opinions and beliefs.

Well I believe she accepts me as Britney. I don't know what's going on though. 🙁

Quote from: JennX on January 01, 2011, 10:13:59 AM
Totally your own decision. However,  personally I'm not the type of person to allow others to dictate how I live my life. If you feel that you're personally not ready for daily interactions with you presenting as a female on a 24/7 basis, that's one thing... but to allow the opinions, ideals, beliefs, and judgements of others (friends or not) to shape your life and how you live it? Please reconsider. Life is to short to be unhappy. Really it is.

Also someone once told me transitioning is one of the most selfish things you'll ever do in life. You need to do it for YOU. Not for anyone else. Many times this will cause a lot of conflict, confusion, and indecision as people by nature like to please their family and friends. We are social creatures. And such acts of selfishness, somewhat go against this nature. However, you must do what you feel is right for you, and what makes you happy. Only you are living your life. Not anyone else.

That makes a lot of sense, the last part. And the reason I'm considering stopping f/t right now is for my safety. If people can't call me she or Britney, I don't want to be in danger. But after all these posts I don't think I can let anything stop me. Danger or not. But I don't really care anymore. I want to be me.

As someone who started and stopped multiple times and had very nonsupporting parents in the meantime, just know it can get better. It took my parents nearly 4 years to really come around.

Now I know this next bit of advice isn't going to be popular around here, but here it goes... Don't force it. If you've got other issues you need to take care of, take care of them! How are you set financially? How about school? How about socially? Transition isn't going to be a magic bullet that fixes everything. I was on hormones for about 5 months the first time and was stopped. It sucked, but in the long run I'm probably better off for it.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 01, 2011, 01:15:17 PM

Stopping full time is kinda like de transition of a sort isn't it? 🙁 Maybe I will just say ->-bleeped-<- it. Like you said

That really depends on why you want to hold fire on going full time. if you think things through and feel that you want to take things a bit slower, then no it isn't. move at a pace you feel happy with...don't let anyone (and that includes us at susans) pressure you into transitioning either faster or slower than you feel comfortable with.

Quote from: Helena on January 01, 2011, 04:34:20 PM
That really depends on why you want to hold fire on going full time. if you think things through and feel that you want to take things a bit slower, then no it isn't. move at a pace you feel happy with...don't let anyone (and that includes us at susans) pressure you into transitioning either faster or slower than you feel comfortable with.

You're right. What I'm going to do is just forget about the term "full time" and just live my life. If wearing makeup and straightening my hair makes me happy, that is what I will do.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 01, 2011, 05:03:12 PM
You're right. What I'm going to do is just forget about the term "full time" and just live my life. If wearing makeup and straightening my hair makes me happy, that is what I will do.

Considering your overall situation this may be the best route for now, especially considering in a short while you may have the opportunity to get away from your certain community and somewhere better for you.  But hey, after a little while you may change your mind again, and just remember that's totally fine.

Britney Darling I had an epiphany Concerning  your friend unintentionally saying him or Michel in public and humiliating you.  It's called the NERF Gun!


Go with her, visit her and love the heck out of her, be friendly be yourself and every time she mucks up shoot her and laugh! If she has any humor at all she will laugh too and eventually she will get the point!



Hugs Simone

Quote from: Simone V on January 01, 2011, 06:18:04 PM
Britney Darling I had an epiphany Concerning  your friend unintentionally saying him or Michel in public and humiliating you.  It's called the NERF Gun!


Go with her, visit her and love the heck out of her, be friendly be yourself and every time she mucks up shoot her and laugh! If she has any humor at all she will laugh too and eventually she will get the point!



Hugs Simone

haha man I can only imagine.

I had to get you laughing and smiling again Britney and I think that last post worked.
Laughter cures most ill's. Live - love - laugh. For those times when it's impossible and you need to cry. We have big shoulders here at Susan's, some of us have meaty shoulders as well 😛

Quote from: Simone V on January 01, 2011, 06:29:48 PM
I had to get you laughing and smiling again Britney and I think that last post worked.
Laughter cures most ill's. Live - love - laugh. For those times when it's impossible and you need to cry. We have big shoulders here at Susan's, some of us have meaty shoulders as well

Thanks Simone! <3

IMO, if your friends cannot gender you correctly or use the correct name, find better friends.  🙂

Quote from: Vexing on January 01, 2011, 06:58:21 PM
IMO, if your friends cannot gender you correctly or use the correct name, find better friends. 

That's what I'm afraid might end up happening. But it's only been 6 months since I came out and decided to transition and 3 months since I've been on hormones and like 1 month since I started slightly looking like a girl. *shrugs*

How to be full time when no one calls you the right thing?  Simple, give it time.

I didn't go full time right away.  I told my therapist I refused to go full time until hormones gave me a reasonable chance of passing.  I didn't push the pronouns until a good six months after starting HRT but I had been out for two years before that.  It's one thing for friends to see you and think "He want's to be a girl and I'm okay with that."  It's quite another for them to think "How unfortunate it was that she had to live as a boy for so long.  I'm glad we finally get to see who she really is."  I think most people never get past the first line of thinking.  They work on it and remember to use the right name and pronouns after a while but occasionally they'll still slip up. 

I guess what I'm trying to say, which is pretty much what everyone else said, is you know who you are and at the end of the day you have to do what works for you.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on January 01, 2011, 11:34:39 PM
How to be full time when no one calls you the right thing?  Simple, give it time.

I didn't go full time right away.  I told my therapist I refused to go full time until hormones gave me a reasonable chance of passing.  I didn't push the pronouns until a good six months after starting HRT but I had been out for two years before that.  It's one thing for friends to see you and think "He want's to be a girl and I'm okay with that."  It's quite another for them to think "How unfortunate it was that she had to live as a boy for so long.  I'm glad we finally get to see who she really is."  I think most people never get past the first line of thinking.  They work on it and remember to use the right name and pronouns after a while but occasionally they'll still slip up. 

I guess what I'm trying to say, which is pretty much what everyone else said, is you know who you are and at the end of the day you have to do what works for you.

You're right. It's just tough sometimes, but I have to keep doing what makes me happy.

Thank you <3

quote: 'like 1  month since I started looking slightly like a girl'  Hmmm!  Lovely Britney needs a new mirror.   LOL