Title says it all really. In two days time i'm going to the clinic to talk about hormones and sign the consent form. They have already written to my doctor asking her to administer them once the dosage has been agreed. So why now after 20+ years of wanting this am i having doubts? I chose a gender neutral name a year ago so that i wouldnt have to answer any awkward questions but now the name no longer feels like mine as im getting so used to hearing 'alex' and 'she' in the same sentence. My family know and are supporting- even if that isnt to the extent of using male pronouns but thats more a getting used to it thing. Work colleagues know but again the male pronouns are a non starter not out of maliciousness but forgetfulness. I can joke with them that soon my beard will be better than theirs etc so its definitely a sound environment. So why is this little voice telling me just to stay the way i am? ive got a wife ive got a job ive got a family what more could i, should i want? At almost 40 are any changes brought on by T going to be that startling anyway? Ive lived most of my life like this why should another twenty or so hurt?

Doubt's allowed.

It can be a sign this isn't for you, but it can also be a sign of the natural fear of change.
Any change, even wanted change, can be terrifying.
Even people with massive problems, even more massive than ours, can fear what will make their problems better.
Cause that means things change, and the known becomes unknown, and that's scary.

I'd take the time you have to think about what it is that's making you nervous exactly. Maybe things'll make sense better then.

Change IS something thats always scared me- and when i have to do something for the first time its a real nightmare. But this is something ive always wanted, maybe im just scared that nothings going to change and ill always just be seen as a woman who wanted to be a man.

It's ok to be scared, I'am, most of the time. But I also feel amazing when something calls me by my male name, use male pronouns, etc!
Is that feeling that allows me to know what I want from my life. Do you feel that too?

Take a little time to think about your life, all you've accomplished and the lots of things that you can still have.
Now, think if you'll feel different by taking T or making other changes. Will you?

I have felt like I was trapped in a woman's body since I was old enough to think. I am in my 40's and only decided to finally transition a few months ago. It's NEVER too late...you still have half your life left, you owe it to yourself to live it as you always should have.
Do I wish I had done this in my 20's when I first thought about it? HELL YES....but that does not stop me from doing it now.

http://femalemuscle.com/news/%e2%80%98rebel-rebel%e2%80%99%e2%80%a6-leigh-penman-talks-openly-to-colette-nelson/

This may help a little...my recent personal story......

I think it's normal to get doubts right before any big act (marriage, surgery, etc.) Just knowing you're about to embark on a point of no return can cause that.
How long ago did you decide on taking this step?
If your doubts are really strong and continue, maybe you should postpone the T until you're more confident with the decision.

As for the

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 05:02:24 PM
Ive lived most of my life like this why should another twenty or so hurt?

Time is relative. Some years fly and others crawl by. And I've had months where so much happened, it seemed like years went by. One year of happiness may be worth ten of misery. And no one knows how long they're going to live. What if you have another 50 to go?

Quote from: Marcelo Caetano on January 02, 2011, 06:05:42 PM
It's ok to be scared, I'am, most of the time. But I also feel amazing when something calls me by my male name, use male pronouns, etc!

See i dont get that excited feeling when someone calls me sir etc- mainly because its been happening most of my life. To me its just natural. But i am hyper sensitive to being she'd and her'ed at the minute. Its not that i dont think i'm male- i know that 110%. I'm just worrying about the actual transition whether i'm making a fool of myself and aiming for something i can never have

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 06:36:59 PM
I'm just worrying about the actual transition whether i'm making a fool of myself and aiming for something i can never have

What do you mean 'something you can't have'?

Maybe to be seen as 'just' a man, to be seen for the person i see every day in me but others dont seem to. My psychiatrist says he cant see how anyone mistakes me for female in looks or mannerisms
and the day he said that i was on a high forever. Maybe i'm just looking for other peoples validation of me as a male. Aaaarg my head is going round in circles. maybe i'm just over analysing how i should be feeling

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 05:17:26 PM
and ill always just be seen as a woman who wanted to be a man.

With respect, what other might think is something you can neither control nor should you worry about.

This is your life, it isn't a rehearsal, to use that old phrase. The only other person who matters is your wife.

But seriously, you're having last minute doubts. It's time to sit and think. Generally, when these happen, before marriage, before finally telling your boss to take a hike, these astminute thoughts give us a moment to reflect on what we are doing and why. We can reflect upon all the reasons we've had which brought us to this decision.

I'd call it healthy.

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 06:47:47 PM
Maybe to be seen as 'just' a man, to be seen for the person i see every day in me but others dont seem to. My psychiatrist says he cant see how anyone mistakes me for female in looks or mannerisms
and the day he said that i was on a high forever. Maybe i'm just looking for other peoples validation of me as a male. Aaaarg my head is going round in circles. maybe i'm just over analysing how i should be feeling

So if most everyone else already takes you for a guy, why take hormones? Is it just so that you can eventually put "M" on your ID (granted, in most states it takes more than just hormones to accomplish that - SRS surgery is often a requirement too).

You do have to sort through your feelings of WHY exactly you are doing this. If you're doing it for other people or if you're actually doing it for yourself.

     Right before starting T, after spending the last 4 years knowing transition was right & many years before that knowing I was trans, I had doubts. I had the same fear of being seen as the female who wanted to be male. But try to take a step back. Were the past 40 years okay? Were you comfortable being you & she'd? It doesn't sound like that so why would you put yourself through that torture because people might think something?

      Like the others said. You gotta live life for you. For others as well but how can you make others happy if you aren't happy yourself? As for the name I hated the name Alexander because everyone called me Alex. The name didn't feel masculine enough so if you don't like your name change it. Just be you man and you will be great Good luck with your appointment!

Hi Al

you are wondering or another twenty years be hurting.
well you can ask yourselve a question....why did you go to the doctor?
is it maybe because of you didn't wanted to wait for another twenty years.
and sure, in the beginning we were all uncurtain, what will happen, how will i be treaded by others, will the endresults be what I've expected.
But the true is, nobody can look into the future and we all have to wait what will happen.
you say that you're 110% male, so what's the doubt.
I wish you a lot of wishdom and selfreflecting an dI'll hope you take the right decision

hug
annette

Quote from: insideontheoutside on January 02, 2011, 07:12:47 PM
So if most everyone else already takes you for a guy, why take hormones? Is it just so that you can eventually put "M" on your ID (granted, in most states it takes more than just hormones to accomplish that - SRS surgery is often a requirement too).

You do have to sort through your feelings of WHY exactly you are doing this. If you're doing it for other people or if you're actually doing it for yourself.

i already have that coveted M on my driving license and passport-one of the advantages of being in the uk and only needing a letter saying changes are permanent. Im definitely doing this for me- its the one thing in my life thats been a constant. If it was top surgery that was on offer, i wouldn't even be questioning cos in my mind thats the only thing that stops me being a man.

Well, how do you feel about the effects of T themselves? Sounds like passing isn't a problem, so how about the rest? How do you feel about the physical and mental effects?

Physical i'm fine with. Mental- i sometimes worry that i won't be me anymore, but by the time that happens would i even realise that i wasn't me?

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 08:07:08 PM
Physical i'm fine with. Mental- i sometimes worry that i won't be me anymore, but by the time that happens would i even realise that i wasn't me?

Well, I'm still me but some things are different. But not the core of who I am. I'm just a lot calmer and nicer. Can't cry as easily. I do some tasks differently now. More sensitive to loud noise. A lot of little things. But it's hard to really separate what's the T and what's a result of transition.

Talking and thinking about it makes me realise that my whole life has been leading up to this point. Its just up to me now whether i grab the chance or waste another 20 years on what could have beens. I'm being given a chance that not all of us get think i need to remember that

Quote from: al james on January 02, 2011, 07:36:59 PM
i already have that coveted M on my driving license and passport-one of the advantages of being in the uk and only needing a letter saying changes are permanent. Im definitely doing this for me- its the one thing in my life thats been a constant. If it was top surgery that was on offer, i wouldn't even be questioning cos in my mind thats the only thing that stops me being a man.

Dear Al, sounds like you're thinking the same things I'm thinking ATM. Top surgery.. I'd jump on it and do it right now. Same with Hysto. But T, I am questioning myself about. Same boat, I pass.. blah blah blah. likely more so because i don't want to have to deal with the repurcussions of dealing with family over this, and some random fear that I might wake up when I'm 50.. and want to be female and identify as female. I know it's a silly fear taht isn't rationally based and very far fetched, based on the story of my life up to this date in time.. but what if it happens some day. I think it's reasonable to have rational and unrational doubts at this point. The symbolism of this movement (even for those of us that already pass).. is a huge thing.