I don't know how to start this or what to say. I currently live with my mother and am part-time. I haven't came out to many people yet and that, for various reasons won't be able to happen for a few months.

Unfortunately for me I have a rather distinctive vehicle, well not really that distinctive, but anyone who knows me would see it and know it's me right away. This makes things somewhat difficult for me being part time, when I go out I'm pretty much forced to use my mothers car or take a very large chance on outting myself. There have been a few times where I've been out already and noticed a friend behind me or in traffic, but because I was in a different car they never noticed me.

My mother knows this is something I'm worried about, however she has gotten very snarky about me taking her car out, even though I always leave it with more gas than it had. I think she believes if she can prevent me from going out in her car, she can prevent me from transitioning, or at least the fear of being outted will stop me.

Tonight I said something about wanting to borrow the car in a bit and she said "Why, are you dressed up?" in a very negative and snarky tone, followed by "...you're just going to have to start using your own car for that." Minutes later she said to me "Hey, I'm going out for a while" and she was gone. My mother doesn't typically go anywhere besides work, but since I've been going out dressed, everytime I seem to need to use the car, she coincidentally has to go somewhere.

I feel like I'm being petty, but it's pretty obvious that she's doing it on purpose and it pisses me off to no end. I'm forced to take a chance on outting myself about 6 months too soon and a good chance of losing my job, or stay at home and she knows it.

I'm sorry, I'm just so angry right now and starting to cry. Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

~Sara

Go out and get something from the drive thru.  If someone asks about the girl using your car, tell yes she went after some food.

Is there a local bus service? Great anonymity on the bus 

She just got back home and the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan.

She told me that seeing me dressed freaks her out and that's why she didn't even bother to come home last night and why she went out earlier tonight. She told me she can't handle it. She also went on to blame the end of my relationship on this (transition) and said that I'm lying by leading a double life. I also heard "What if you go out and someone beats the ->-bleeped-<- out of you and tears up my car, I can't afford to it" .... exact quite right there. Followed by "I've tried to understand, but I just don't and can't understand"

Then I was told I have to move. I don't know what I'm gonna do, this was my last option.

~Sara

I'm finding that parents have very narrow visions of what they see in their children.  When the children don't follow the vision and path the parents choose, they tend to try and influence the children in whatever way they can.

Unfortunately you live with your mom and, I'm assuming, you are dependent on her?  That's always difficult.   How old are you?  Do you have a job?  What sort of life do you think you'd live if you were on your own?

I personally think you pass perfectly from the pictures.   I haven't heard your voice, but that's trainable.   Perhaps it's an opportunity for you to be more open about yourself and just use your car?

it's beyond the car stuff now that I have to find a place to live. I'm 27 and have a job, but don't make enough to live on my own. I don't know what to do now, living there was my last option.

If it's truly your last option then you may have to slow down the presentation (in front of her anyways) until you figure it out. Perhaps find a roommate? I've temporarily had to spend time with parents around that age and it can easily turn to constant power struggles, it's so not fun. I was so glad that I had already been living on my own for awhile when I came out to my mom based on how she reacted. If I had been living with her it would have been a nightmare. Family does come around though usually, it just sucks to have to be living with them while they chill out and realize whatever they need to to be o.k. with it.

Sara-

Do you live in a city or near a large city? Is there any chance that you could find a roommate who is queer friendly? I know even in the suburbanish community I live in there is housing that is queer friendly and affordable.

Just a thought.

I am sorry your mother is being so harsh, no one deserves that.

Hugs,

Jackie

because there is nothing here to eat?   Empty larders in USA is unbeleivable.

However now you have to get out of the nest you can practice budgetting and shopping to ensure you always have food in the one-room, coldwater walk-up that will be your home for a while.

Tian't easy but the peace of mind will compensate.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 05, 2011, 11:45:00 PM
because there is nothing here to eat?   Empty larders in USA is unbeleivable.

However now you have to get out of the nest you can practice budgetting and shopping to ensure you always have food in the one-room, coldwater walk-up that will be your home for a while.

Tian't easy but the peace of mind will compensate.

This comment is uncalled for and I find it very rude.

She sounds toxic. I think for your sake you need to get away. In the meantime, see if she will allow you to stay if you stop dressing. If she does, try to use the time to get out of there ASAP. If you dont have a local glbt center, try to find the closest one and go there. They may have resources that can help. The suggestion of finding a queer friendly roommate sounds like a good one. Do you have any friends that may help?

Two thoughts spring to mind.

Firstly, let the dust settle a bit and try to hve a more reasonable conversation. I get the impression that, by continually borrowing her car, she felt imposed upon. Perhaps it really is time to let those who know you, actually know you. Your mom as well as your friends.

Second. This is a bit of a streach, because I don't know anything of where you live. But how about advertising for a room mate who is prepared to share with a part time Transgender?

Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

Not exactly heartbreak territory there.

It's not like there is no food because you're in a famine situation, or there is no money, there is no food because a) mommy didn't run out and stock the house for you and b) you didn't feel like doing that either.  What?  They don't deliver pizzas where you live?  You are hungry because a) the bitch didn't get into the kitchen and make you a sammich, b) you could not be bothered to change your clothes and go out and get the stuff to make your own sammich?

I have a car, but it's my right to borrow someone else's car when it's inconvenient to use mine?  Really?  The last car I had I owned for over 10 years, in those 10 years the ONLY person who ever drove it other then my kids when I was teaching them how to drive a stick shift was my dad.  Once.  I never let my wife drive it.  Drive your own damn car.  Your mom is not being mean by using her car when you have a perfectly good one sitting there too.

You are 27 years old, time to start acting like it.

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 05, 2011, 08:44:02 PM
it's beyond the car stuff now that I have to find a place to live. I'm 27 and have a job, but don't make enough to live on my own. I don't know what to do now, living there was my last option.

Im in the same boat, and I know how much it sucks...I've had to put off my transition since I moved home...im praying for u girl!

Quote from: tekla on January 06, 2011, 01:19:49 PM
Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

Not exactly heartbreak territory there.

It's not like there is no food because you're in a famine situation, or there is no money, there is no food because a) mommy didn't run out and stock the house for you and b) you didn't feel like doing that either.  What?  They don't deliver pizzas where you live?  You are hungry because a) the bitch didn't get into the kitchen and make you a sammich, b) you could not be bothered to change your clothes and go out and get the stuff to make your own sammich?

I have a car, but it's my right to borrow someone else's car when it's inconvenient to use mine?  Really?  The last car I had I owned for over 10 years, in those 10 years the ONLY person who ever drove it other then my kids when I was teaching them how to drive a stick shift was my dad.  Once.  I never let my wife drive it.  Drive your own damn car.  Your mom is not being mean by using her car when you have a perfectly good one sitting there too.

You are 27 years old, time to start acting like it.

Gosh so snarky and harsh...since we don't know each other in real life ..I think a bit of empathy and smoother talking is far more beneficial.  Many folks get very disphoric and depressed and the act of getting out in a car dressed in the wrong gender can be very hard and difficult.  We are a group of people all facing hurt and self doubts ... we need to be kind to each other and provide helpful hints without  be so harsh ... I personally get enough of that in the real word

A few too many personal attacks in this thread! Please be respectful of each other or it will be locked! 

Z (Admin)

Quote from: Rob on January 06, 2011, 02:23:30 PM
Gosh so snarky and harsh...since we don't know each other in real life ..I think a bit of empathy and smoother talking is far more beneficial.  Many folks get very disphoric and depressed and the act of getting out in a car dressed in the wrong gender can be very hard and difficult.  We are a group of people all facing hurt and self doubts ... we need to be kind to each other and provide helpful hints without  be so harsh ... I personally get enough of that in the real word

Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes we have to be flexible and adjust the plan; like go for a drive while dressed up in our car before we thought we were ready. If you are inflexible about transition you are going to find it very, very hard and you're probably going to fail.
I'll tell you a little story.
When Aunty Vexing was just a little ->-bleeped-<-, she wore a wig, had incredibly bad acne and sweated excessively. Every day when she finished work, she had to shower away her stink, scrub off her really heavy concealer and take off the sweaty itchy wig. Then, because she was a smoker and she couldn't smoke in her appartment, she had to take the lift downstairs and smoke on the street.
Because it was too much effort to get dressed again, wear the horrible wig and spend 20 minutes re-doing her heavy makeup, she would bite the bullet, put on boy clothes, and smoke in boy mode on the street. If she needed something from the 7/11 or supermarket down the road, she would go in boy mode, because it was too much damn effort to get dressed up again.
This made Aunty Vexing very dysphoric, because she was otherwise full time at work and in her social life.
But she dealt with it.

Aunt vexing: some of us can't deal with it... 

Quote from: kody2011 on January 06, 2011, 03:24:28 PM
Aunt vexing: some of us can't deal with it... 

Then every time you want a cigarette, you're going to have to get dressed, wear that itchy, sweaty wig and spend 20 minutes putting on your makeup.
Or give up smoking.
You always have choices - though sometimes they're not very nice.

Wow, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to vent in the PMS Zone without being attacked, my mistake!

What is this being hung up about the food? No I don't have any food here, why? I've been making my going out for food or shopping for groceries my chance to go out in girl mode, because (a) it's really the only chance I have to do it, and  (b) it's been helping building my confidence about being out in public, something I've struggled with a lot...... these are bad reasons apparently?  Can I go out in guy mode and use my own car, sure...... does that net me any progress? None whatsoever. I live in a small'ish town and have been paranoid about outing myself too soon or the chance of being seen by my boss, I would lose my job for sure, hence why I haven't wanted to use my vehicle in girl mode. Not an ideal situation, but valid enough reasons I think to ask to borrow hers.


And yes, I am 27 years old, by the way, I've supported myself and lived exclusively on my own since I was 17. This is the first time I've returned home to my mother, and the only reason that happened is because my 4 year relationship ended very abruptly and I was forced to move. I didn't ask for this and I certianly did not want to move in with my mother, she invited me here knowing full well what the deal was with my transition. I work a full time job, I pay rent here, I pay for my own food, I keep quite and clean up after myself; so I'm not just living here, not working and moocing off her like you have made it out to be.  When we first began to have a few problems, I had her come to a therapy session with me, where she said she had no problem with either my transition or me being here as long as I needed. As it turns out, this is not the case! I know it's difficut for her, I respect that and I've taken ever oppertunity to allow her to make her issues known so we can work on them or I can steer clear, until now everything was A OK according to her.

I don't plan on being here any longer than I have to, thankfully after some talking, I can stay here for a few more months, but it has been made clear to me that I can not dress or share any transition stuff with her while I'm living in this home as she wants no part of it..... this from the woman who stated in therapy last week she had no issues whatsoever with all of this.

I'm not letting this stop me, all it's done is made it clear that cutting ties with her as soon as I can is going to lead to a lot less heartache for both of us in the end. I will bide my time here, try to stay out of the house as much as possible and continue to work on saving money so this situation with her will be as temporary as possible.

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara