This may seem a strange topic and i'm not even sure i can describe my feelings adequately but here goes. Next month i will be 39 which means i am now facing the world as a middle aged man. Yes, i know ive been male forever, just with a female body, but along with that female body people have had female expectations of me. But in my head i'm an 18 year old youth, wanting to do what other youths do. While i'm married to the most wonderful woman i find myself wanting to be referred to as her boyfriend, not her husband, cos its something i never had a chance to be. I know i wouldnt be the person i am today without the life ive led and this isnt really a question of who would i have been if id been born male-bodied- its more a feeling of being stuck in a time warp, stuck in my teenage years and wanting the male life i should have had then. I was out as a lesbian then and  most of my life revolved round women and pubs, much the same as any male but i was still missing the maleness of being someones boyfriend. Does this make any sense to anyone?

Yes. Chronologically, you may be 39. But all your body knows is it's going through puberty.

James,

It makes a ton of sense to me. I was just thinking about this today.

My gf was horribly abused as a child/teenager, never got to have a normal childhood, etc., and says she is having her adolescence now, now that she is "free" and they can't get at her anymore. We go out and do all sorts of adolescent things (!) and she says, this is so much fun, I feel like a teenager, etc.,  like she's reborn...and I say, yes, I feel like a teenager again too, only this time I get to be a boy (and her boyfriend).

I say, ride the wave, dude!

I think you're miles ahead of where I was. I was stuck at thirteen for decades. With every transition milestone, I told myself that I was a year older.

But I didn't FEEL it. After top surgery and about eighteen or twenty or twenty-two months on T--well, somewhere in there--I went through a major shift. I don't know when it happened or how gradual it was; I just know that now, nearly two years on T, I feel different, mostly.

Sometimes I still go back there--to thirteen--but it's happening less and less. I miss it because it's all I knew. And then I find myself staring into the abyss of fifty. Less than two years away, yikes.

I do miss the adulthood I didn't have. I went from thirteen to late forties in one fell swoop. Not comfortable. Not comfortable at all. But I suppose I'm getting used to it.

You know this message board has a lot of "me too"s.. And a lot of stuff that makes sense to me.. One way I feel so young and the other so old.. I was the really boring stay out of trouble quiet type. The kind of person you could be in class with all year and still not know the first name of.. I started puberty really early but with what you're all saying I kind of feel part of me is still stuck at puberty. I never had a lot of relationships at all, now I see that in a slightly different light... And it explains why I'm changing on an emotional level.. I've gotten a year older.. Thanks 

Quote from: ALX on January 09, 2011, 10:52:18 PM
You know this message board has a lot of "me too"s.. And a lot of stuff that makes sense to me.. One way I feel so young and the other so old.. I was the really boring stay out of trouble quiet type. The kind of person you could be in class with all year and still not know the first name of.. I started puberty really early but with what you're all saying I kind of feel part of me is still stuck at puberty. I never had a lot of relationships at all, now I see that in a slightly different light... And it explains why I'm changing on an emotional level.. I've gotten a year older.. Thanks

I think a lot of guys in our situation get stuck emotionally at puberty. If we resist turning into women, there's not really anywhere to go. Pretty hard to grow into a man like that.

Honestly, I am constantly boggled by people who want to be older. Why? With age might come experience but with it also comes aches and pains and health decline (unless you stay on top of a healthy lifestyle), looking old. Hell if I could have stopped aging at around 28 and been that age for all eternity I would have with no questions asked haha. I still look younger than I am, but I tell you once you start getting to mid 30's stuff definitely starts to change. You don't have the stamina or energy you had when you were mid 20s. You deal with aches and pains or old injuries that are now causing aches and pains. I'm doing everything now to keep my health stable and not end up like some of the old people I see now all riding around in hover-rounds and all LOL.

As for mentality, I've grown wiser and of course more experienced about things, but my general outlook on life is still very much adolescent. Some of my friends have even commented that I never lost that kind of childhood "wonder" thing. It could just be because I'm in a creative field and I never lost the imagination and the ability to have fun. Seriously I think some people actually forget how to have fun as they get old and feel like they should just act like adults all the time. bah.

I found this amazing to see this today when my thoughts were going in this same direction this morning...I turned 48 in August last year and finally decided to transition last November (thanks to the support and encouragement of a close friend to whom I will be eternally grateful).
This morning I got to thinking that I don't want to 'waste' the second half of my life the way I feel I wasted the first half and I am going to do my damdest to make up for lost time....even if it means taking emotional risks - I mean how dull life would be if we didn't take risks from time to time.
I also decided to take ten years off my age for 'good behavior' (lol!!!). Hell...my mind is still in it's 30's and my body still looks like it is in it's 30's so who cares about the semantics of numbers!
This is a new chapter in my life and I aim to make up for lost time......

I am 45 years old and I feel like I am in my 20's.......age is nothing but a number.

Quote from: ALX on January 09, 2011, 10:52:18 PM
I started puberty really early but with what you're all saying I kind of feel part of me is still stuck at puberty.

Same here.  I've been thinking about this a lot the last couple of weeks.  I started puberty at the age of 9.     And I still feel stuck at that age emotionally, like on the inside I never grew up.

Ug I hate being one of the older ones at least as far as FTM's go.  No offence to anyone but I look at the young FTM's on this site and I'm so jealous.  Now isn't that an immature attitude?  I feel like it's an immature attitude.    

I know that 31 isn't all that old but it feels like time wasted.  As if there is an unknown expiration date looming and I have to have fun before that date hits.  In which case I'll be rejected by the gay male community and forced to go sit in a nursing home at the age of 35.  At least I look young now but how long will it last?  Eeep!   

Blah.  On the other hand the fact that I am viewed as an adult means there is no red tape outside of money when it comes to my transition.  No one who isn't a religious nut job questions it because I'm seen as someone who knows what he is doing.  So I suppose that's nice.  Also the stability in my life is nice thing to have.  I can go be crazy and then come home to a safe comfortable bed.

I understand completely wanting to be viewed as a boyfriend and do all the stupid crazy things that young men do.  I want all of the rites of passages that I missed out on.  I want to do wheelies in the parking lot and destroy my car, pass out drunk and have people write on my face, hang out the car window and smash mailboxes ... Okay maybe not that last one but you know what I mean.  Oh well I just have to make the best of the time I have.     

All I can say is Lee is older than me, but not by much.(between 10 and 40 days).

I may have a 48 yr old body but the rest of me who knows. Sometimes I feel 20 and other days I feel more like 60.

Squirrel, you started T young enough that it will probably have that Fountain of Youth effect and make you look far younger than your years for the next couple of decades.

Seriously, you have enough on your plate without worrying about that.

Forty-eight seems to be a magic number on this thread...

I don't mind staying mentally young but I am getting older. I have lived one of those crazy lives where you live a lot in a relatively short amount of time, I'm going grey and yet get carded anywhere I go and folks sometimes even think my kids are my little brothers..
Am I happy to look young? Yeah of course I am  but I'd like to be who I feel I am, that includes being 34, not 16. I think it's very cool to see others here have that too.. I feel a bit more normal if that makes sense.. I don't actually mind being an adult so much I guess and seriously, who wants to be a teenager forever anyways? Though mid 20s would be nice tho lol
 
I was 9 as well, ended up with a very curvy figure pretty quickly after that.. Mother nature thanks a lot.. Did more of us go into puberty early like that? How many people here have trouble getting regular female clothing that fits right, being trans and wanting guys clothes aside? Because curves and all guys clothes actually fit better as a rule although on shirts the sleeves tend to be a little long to get the chest to fit right..  all the same it fits pretty good where womens clothes don't which is something I didn't expect given my figure.. Anyone?