Hello everyone!
I'm a long time reader but I finally decided to join up and be a member of this great community.
And since this is an introduction.. I might as well introduce myself!
I'm still in the 'I don't know' stage with my GID, which I was diagnosed with in 2007. Now I'm 24 and getting tired of losing sleep each night wondering if I want to keep leaving the carefree guy lifestyle. I don't know if I'm bi-gendered, androgyne or want to be a full time lady... I just can't ever decide on what I really want, hopefully some up-coming therapy will finally help me out.
When I was a kid, I always kept my hair long even though my family kept telling me I looked like a girl, to which I didn't care.. I mean, hell, I was like 5-6 years old. I didn't realize it was that early in my life that I liked more girly things. I learned later through photos, stories, and home movies from around that time. From what I can remember, I was always so dang jealous about girls being able to wear dresses and play with dolls. During playtime in preschool/kindergarten I always wanted to play with the girls toys and I was friends with all of the girls in the class and didn't much care for guys.
But ya know, I was just a confused little boy in the south-east united states in the 90's.. I didn't know that your gender could be wrong, I didn't even know gays existed! With no access to books on the topic, or anyone like that, I just.. thought I was off. From looking at home movies during holidays, I got a lot of dolls and cabbage patch kids, things like that, for christmas.. along with some hot wheels and typical boy playthings.
When I was 8 or so, I was finally able to figure out I wanted to be a girl, and as it turns out, always wished for it when I blew out my birthday candles. I would just daydream constantly that I was a girl, wearing dresses and having long flowing black hair(which I did have). I had always been practicing writing, I got in trouble a lot at school because my writing was HORRIBLE(and it still is!) , so I had something like a diary on some random sheets of paper. These papers(which I found 3-4 years ago in some old school folder) were left out on the table when I was writing over at my aunt's house, and they talked about how I wanted to be a girl and how I was jealous of them all the time.
My 17 year old cousin read it while I was doing something else, probably watching TV since I didn't have one at home... Long story short, I ended up getting raped by him that night because he told me it would make me a real girl. This happened many times until I was about 15 years old, when my cousin had been jailed for stealing some guns or something.
For a long time I just kept it to myself, and when I told my parents they said I shouldn't make things up like that. I cried a lot back then.
Now years later, I'm no longer haunted by the images of my rape or my extreme jealousy I had as a child. These days I don't really 'feel' many emotions. Maybe just a little here and there. A majority of the time I'm just 'indifferent', and just really don't care what's going with me.
I have a girlfriend that I'm truly in love with and want to be with her forever. Even before we started dating, I told her about my GID. We've been together for almost 4 years now. Whenever I discuss with her that I want to eventually undergo HRT, she doesn't like the idea and that she wouldn't be able to 'go through that'.. but y'know that's a story for another time!
Sorry for the long intro post, but I figure I better get it out of the way before I forget.
And I did totally forget.. I go by "Alex" as my female name, it's what my mom would have named me if I were born a girl.. like uh.. body-wise! I decided on the name "Marie" because it's been my favorite girl name.. My name in full is; Alexandria Marianne Mylastname:P because it sounds kinda regal the way my real guy name sounds.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post, and I hope to go rant and go offtopic on many threads now!
