So, here's the deal: I'm on my way towards HRT, ever so slowly - I've just fulfilled the demands my shrink placed on me to send the letter off to the GID clinic (in fact, I did so yesterday). I've moved back in with my parents because I needed some human closeness in this time, which my friends couldn't really provide, and I'm of course fully out to them, my sisters, ad my grandparents. Things ought to be rather good, don't they?

So why am I now losing my will to live? I find myself casting about for reasons why I should go on living, and even transition, that golden ray of light at the end of the tunnel, seems more like a cruel joke than salvation. I feel like a Tantalus - like there's a fragile glass wall keeping me from the life I want to lead, but no matter what I do, I can't get to the other side. Transition is losing its lustre, because no matter what I do, I'll never be accepted as a "real" woman. I'll always be "oh-she's-a-girl-now-but-she's-really-just-a-guy-in-disguise" - I'm afraid, even to myself. My one hope in that regard is the possibility of going deep stealth, but that relies on the arrogance and presumption that I'll end up at all passable, which I can only bring myself to believe for mere moments at a time.

So faced with this, a life that seems to be a mere parody of what I wanted, this deep and abiding jealousy of girls and women (particularly the young) which likely will never go away even if my transition goes flawlessly, this waste of the first twenty-some years of my life, what reasons do I have to keep on living? How can I know that transition will even make my life just a little bit more bearable? How do I know I won't be denied HRT after jumping through all these hoops, and end up taking my own life? And what if I transition, and it doesn't work? What then?

My attitude is basically that if transition screws up my life irrevocably, well, too bad - it's not like I wasted anything of actual value. And I'm currently motivating myself by basically telling myself "if this doesn't work, then you may die, but what a waste to die now if it would have worked!" Which, as you can perhaps imagine, isn't much more than grasping at straws. Now, normally I can just skate along through my day on inertia - I've gone on so far, so why not a little longer? - so it's not like I'm in acute danger of suicide. Mostly, I'm just having yet another bad day (or, rather, all my days are bad days - it's just, this one is bad even in comparison).

I need some cheering up. Some good-luck stories, some "I'm-sure-you'll-pass"es, some examples of non-trans people who've been accepting, or even just a joke or a cute, funny or beautiful picture. A groanworthy pun. An obscure-but-fun flash game. Anything. PMs are also welcome.

Sorry for attention-whoring like this.

I'm 43 and I've just begun. I doubt I will ever be a beauty queen but I think I will pass when I have done all I can do.
Passing is important to our perception of our self E, it should be important to you. But if you are a woman inside already.  Then passing is second on the list.  First thing is being complete.  You are 20 something and at that age you will probably come out far more passable then I.  Suicide Bad idea!  Guess what, you are here for a reason what ever it may be..  Depriving yourself of life is not a good idea at all. 

Be happy as you transition. Be the woman you want to be and stop listening to the nay sayer's.
They say no, you say "go to h- E double LL" then go on with your plan and enjoy every minute of becoming you

hugs

Simone

I say this because I care. Stop sending yourself to that mental prison. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're taking the right steps, you got your letter, you're going to start HRT. I know it's hard, but don't speculate on the what-ifs, and focus on the here and now. Because just focusing on all of the what-ifs will just bring you down, so don't do it.

Not living as a "real" woman is something we all have to face. I don't have a uterus, or anything else to bear children, but that doesn't make me any less of a woman? Is a woman with a hysterectomy and less of a woman? You can still be completely happy, but it's your choice to allow yourself to be that happy. Don't beat yourself up over circumstances that you can't control. Just make the best with what you have.

It's all about you, you have to make your choice to stand strong against these feelings and be happy, or let them continue to bring you down. E, don't let these feelings bring you down.

The way you feel is all a part of the process for some of us. Jealousy, self loathing, denial, doubt. You'll make it through the grieving process if you keep pushing. Just bear in mind that once the hard part is done; all the doctors and the jumping through hoops, setting yourself up for a new social circle if that calls for it, coming out and getting on hormones; that you'll feel so much better. The end result is, in my belief, worth all the grief that being transsexual puts us through.

Sometimes I think to myself, why couldn't I just be happy as a woman? Do I HAVE to do this? But then I see how much happier I am as a man than as a woman. And there is the answer straight and true. It's all about happiness and feeling one with yourself. You'll get there <3 Keep strong sweety.

Quote from: Simone V on January 13, 2011, 02:37:03 PM
I'm 43 and I've just begun. I doubt I will ever be a beauty queen but I think I will pass when I have done all I can do.
Passing is important to our perception of our self E, it should be important to you. But if you are a woman inside already.  Then passing is second on the list.  First thing is being complete.  You are 20 something and at that age you will probably come out far more passable then I.  Suicide Bad idea!  Guess what, you are here for a reason what ever it may be..  Depriving yourself of life is not a good idea at all. 

Be happy as you transition. Be the woman you want to be and stop listening to the nay sayer's.
They say no, you say "go to h- E double LL" then go on with your plan and enjoy every minute of becoming you

hugs

*hugs back*

I'm not gonna commit suicide. It's an option of last resort, and transition is much higher up on the list of things to try out as solutions to my problems. But the availability of the option is comforting - if nothing turns out alright, then I can simply leave this whole mess behind. But not yet - death would mean all the possible good experiences would be lost forever, and unless I can be sure those would be negligible, then death is the worse option.

Thank you, though - I hope your transition goes well, too. You're right - I'm still 22, and will likely be 23 when I finall get HRT, so I guess things could be worse.

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on January 13, 2011, 02:39:07 PM
I say this because I care. Stop sending yourself to that mental prison. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're taking the right steps, you got your letter, you're going to start HRT. I know it's hard, but don't speculate on the what-ifs, and focus on the here and now. Because just focusing on all of the what-ifs will just bring you down, so don't do it.

Not living as a "real" woman is something we all have to face. I don't have a uterus, or anything else to bear children, but that doesn't make me any less of a woman? Is a woman with a hysterectomy and less of a woman? You can still be completely happy, but it's your choice to allow yourself to be that happy. Don't beat yourself up over circumstances that you can't control. Just make the best with what you have.

It's all about you, you have to make your choice to stand strong against these feelings and be happy, or let them continue to bring you down. E, don't let these feelings bring you down.

I've got the letter, yes - now, I just have to wait a bit over a full year before they'll judge me worthy of HRT, or destroy me for good.

See, I have no problem viewing you as a real woman. Neither most trans women. It's just me. Chances are, I'll be able to live a fulfilling life when I've transitioned, but I'm still afraid I won't, and that fear is wearing me down.

Quote from: Morgan on January 13, 2011, 02:46:12 PM
The way you feel is all a part of the process for some of us. Jealousy, self loathing, denial, doubt. You'll make it through the grieving process if you keep pushing. Just bear in mind that once the hard part is done; all the doctors and the jumping through hoops, setting yourself up for a new social circle if that calls for it, coming out and getting on hormones; that you'll feel so much better. The end result is, in my belief, worth all the grief that being transsexual puts us through.

Sometimes I think to myself, why couldn't I just be happy as a woman? Do I HAVE to do this? But then I see how much happier I am as a man than as a woman. And there is the answer straight and true. It's all about happiness and feeling one with yourself. You'll get there <3 Keep strong sweety.

Thanks. I certainly hope it'll all work out that way, and hearing that others have gone through the same and come out alright on the other end helps.

I guess you need to ask yourself whether or not being a woman is more important to you than anything else.
Is being a woman more important than passing and being perceived by others as female?

Anyway, this sometimes cheers me up :

Cheer up Charlie

I understand you're apprehension. I've dealt with it myself, right around the same stage that your at. Trust me, you'll do fine. But don't let yourself get so down.

I find a well thrown one of these invaluable for dealing with glass walls (and ceilings)



in all seriousness though, the turning point for me came when i realised that I didn't care that transition could mean that people could perceive me as a fake woman, because being female, being a girl was a million times more real for me, than attempting to live just one more day as a real man.

Yes, the validation from being seen by others as your true gender is truly fantastic, but there's also personal validation. We mainly do this for us, not for others. I'm perfectly happy to spend my life being seen as a masculine woman, rather than a feminine guy, because it's the last word that is important to me...not the first.

Quote from: Helena on January 13, 2011, 03:26:56 PMI'm perfectly happy to spend my life being seen as a masculine woman, rather than a feminine guy, because it's the last word that is important to me...not the first.

Wow, so well said!

Quote from: Helena on January 13, 2011, 03:26:56 PM
Yes, the validation from being seen by others as your true gender is truly fantastic, but there's also personal validation. We mainly do this for us, not for others. I'm perfectly happy to spend my life being seen as a masculine woman, rather than a feminine guy, because it's the last word that is important to me...not the first.

It's the desert island scenario:
Marooned on a desert island, all by yourself, would you still attempt to transition?

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

Said that wise one Mr Ghandi....

And the fact that you're on a personal journey now (E) that might allow you to do the above much more honestly and freely..... well what could really be any better than that?

I remember the very first time i walked out onto a beautiful beach in a girlie swimsuit.... finally carefree.... and able to feel the sand in my toes.... and no longer be ashamed of my body....

To feel the sun a sea air on my skin....

That was a blissful priceless moment.... with fully negated all the crap i'd endured to get there....

(FREEDOM)

That's the deal here.... if you're up for taking it.....

One step at a time....

Quote from: Vexing on January 13, 2011, 03:39:37 PM
It's the desert island scenario:
Marooned on a desert island, all by yourself, would you still attempt to transition?

Getting my HRT prescription might be tricky, but definitely yes...just think of the tan i'd get

Quote from: Helena on January 13, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Getting my HRT prescription might be tricky, but definitely yes...just think of the tan i'd get

Yah, shaving with sea-shells would be a bitch, but I'd still do it 

Quote from: Vexing on January 13, 2011, 03:39:37 PM
It's the desert island scenario:
Marooned on a desert island, all by yourself, would you still attempt to transition?

Marooned on a desert island, all by myself, every single reservation I have about transition would be irrelevant. So, definitely yes.

Quote from: Vexing on January 13, 2011, 04:33:06 PM
Yah, shaving with sea-shells would be a bitch, but I'd still do it 

I wouldn't. I mean, I assume that "transition on a desert island, all by myself" means I somehow have access to all the different "obligatory" parts of transition, so I have an electrolysis machine made of coconuts and bamboo?

I can't go over my whole story here but I have done it countless times on my blog and video logs. Feel free to peruse them and I hope they can help you see life is worth living on the other side of transition...even with all the loss.

http://jericanation.com

And this one came to mind:

Quote from: Jerica on January 14, 2011, 02:49:00 PM
I can't go over my whole story here but I have done it countless times on my blog and video logs. Feel free to peruse them and I hope they can help you see life is worth living on the other side of transition...even with all the loss.

I've spent something like an hour reading your blog, and I wanted to thank you for writing it. Reading it makes me feel better (and seeing a trans woman whom I definitely 100% would never be able to read also helps a lot - it's funny how only the very least passable ones seem to come up in media) . I'm sorry about how your parents are being, and hope they come around, eventually. I can't imagine a parent permanently disowning a child .

Awww thank you E! =)

Quote from: E on January 14, 2011, 05:00:22 PM
I've spent something like an hour reading your blog, and I wanted to thank you for writing it. Reading it makes me feel better (and seeing a trans woman whom I definitely 100% would never be able to read also helps a lot - it's funny how only the very least passable ones seem to come up in media) . I'm sorry about how your parents are being, and hope they come around, eventually. I can't imagine a parent permanently disowning a child .

Whenever a twinge of doubt hits me I just recall what brought me to start transitioning in the first place, really helps me keep a healthy perspective. Although when I have been down it normally takes me awhile to run it through my head again.