Hi all,
I'm not sure how to describe this, so bear with me. 
I really thought I had all my mental ducks in a row before transition. But now that the physical issues have been dealt with, everything else is coming up. I've been having this major sort of 'life review' where everything I've ever gone through or felt has sort of come to the surface. But it's happening just as I'm trying to live as who I am now. So, here I am working through issues all the way up from childhood because they just won't leave me alone. It just seems like with the main issue out of the way - wrong body, wrong name, wrong gender marker, wrong life - all this other stuff wants dealt with now. And a lot of it is related directly or indirectly to my dysphoria. Things I did to try to get rid of it, things I avoided doing because they heightened it, etc. Now not everything that's ever happened is related to it, of course, but a lot of it is.
And this is all going on just when I'm trying for a fresh start. I guess I don't really feel I deserve one.
Has anyone had this happen after transition? Having everything else come to the surface? Did you work through the other issues or how did you get through it?

It sounds normal to me.

We all tend to bury things and when the first most pressing issue is gone our mind needs to go somewhere, so it moves on to other issues we have been hiding.

When I finally decided to do things right and get a prescription, I had to do the "therapy" thing.  My therapist accepted immediately my gender issues, so I spent most of the time with her discussing things I had buried deep in the backgroung.  Things I had refused to deal with since youth.

You just need to tackle one of these issues at a time, eventually all will be dealt with.

Nero.

Are you getting feelings like a sort of tension anger, which seem to build up inside?

Are you finding yourelf feeling miserable, then remembering the feelings associated with things from the past?

Sorry, but I'm trying to get a picture of what it is you're feeling.

Spacial,
No, it's just ever present now. But the overriding feeling is that because of X issue or issue Y, I don't deserve the present and future. Now that I've 'fixed' the problem, I don't understand the person I was beforehand. I feel like I let dysphoria get the better of me back then, when I should have gotten the better of it.

Quote from: Sarah Louise on January 14, 2011, 01:23:51 PM
It sounds normal to me.

We all tend to bury things and when the first most pressing issue is gone our mind needs to go somewhere, so it moves on to other issues we have been hiding.

When I finally decided to do things right and get a prescription, I had to do the "therapy" thing.  My therapist accepted immediately my gender issues, so I spent most of the time with her discussing things I had buried deep in the backgroung.  Things I had refused to deal with since youth.

You just need to tackle one of these issues at a time, eventually all will be dealt with.

Thanks Sarah. I hope so. 

A whole bunch of psychological crap started spilling out of me after I finally came back out to myself, for real, and started trying to deal with my gender stuff for real. It was a freaking nightmare; on top of the usual transition junk, I had job and money issues, relationship woes and eventual breakup/divorce, relocation, mommy issues, daddy issues, childhood issues, sexual assault issues, okay, I'll stop now before this gets out of hand. >smirk<

Right now, two and a half years later, I am still discovering things and connecting the dots. But for the first time since I started this adventure, I am starting to think that the worst is over. I can look back and see how much progress I've made, but without feeling that I still have just as much progress to make.

Maybe you're just suffering from a delayed reaction. Or maybe you're better at psychological prioritization than some of us. Or whatever. But, yes, it sounds normal to me.

I think we all have those moments where we realize that because of our trans issues we've suffered in many other aspects of our lives.  I think whats important to remember is that its a lot easier to look back and say "I should have ____"  but in that moment you did what you had to do.

I felt that my life got a little more together after my transition [though... it isn't fully complete...I would eventually like to have some sort of bottom surgery and it is something my mind does focus on quite often so who knows after that...]

Think Arch may be right. And he has more experience that I do!!!!

But if you get any strong emotions that seem to take over, go and see your Dr. Nothing serious, just to get checked up.

If you don't mind me saying so thought, you deserve this as much as anyone else. Some of us think you deserve it more than most.

For a long time in therapy, I felt like I was caught in some "issue of the week" trap. I always had several problems that I was grappling with, and in a session I would just talk about whichever one was troubling me the most. The next session, something else might be bothering me, and I would rant about that problem. It was just triage. No real continuity from session to session.

Gradually, I'm coming to accept that other people really do read me as male and that it's no mistake. I'm starting to see that after more than forty-five years of being called "she," it will take me time, perhaps several years, to get used to being called "he." And I know now--intellectually if not emotionally--that I deserve it as much as any man who was labeled a boy at birth. I've made mistakes and have hurt people, but who hasn't? I did the best I could with what I had. The only thing I can do now is learn to forgive myself and resolve to do better in the future.

Somehow, miraculously, I'm learning not to be so hard on myself. In order to begin learning that lesson, I needed someone, some one person--in this case, my therapist--to know me like no other human ever has, to see my flaws and accept me and even like me. I am learning to take his lead, to mirror his acceptance back at myself. It is working.

I'm starting to piece together all of the little weirdnesses in my childhood and adulthood, the strange ways that I coped over the years, the types of relationships I sought out, and how I managed (or, sometimes, mismanaged) those relationships. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work, but I can see so many connections now. I can see reasons for how I was and what I did. Patterns have emerged. Continuity.

There is order in chaos. Sometimes we just need time and help to see it and make sense of it.

I don't think it's abnormal at all.

I moved, lost/gave-up the mechanism I'd been using to cope with not transitioning, and a bunch of other stuff began finally coming out and being dealt with.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't painful - we'd basically convinced ourselves that some of it didn't exist and my wife and I nearly separated in the midst of dealing with it all - but, ultimately, it has been good - we're still together and feel our relationship is far better now as so many things that were hurting each other have been addressed in a way that is productive; a way we couldn't have before.

With that out of the way, little things like hearing her speak hopefully about my future (but imminent social transition,) and attendant matters like name change, or seeing her smile along with me when I was gendered female on a recent vacation, just mean so much more.

I think for me there was only one thing that got dug up by my transition that was unpleasant. Okay, maybe two as I was re-disowned by my father... but he was never close to him anyway so he doesn't count.

When I was 14, just two months before my birthday, I was sexually assaulted. This happened just as I had shared my feelings on gender with a "friend", a neighborhood boy several years my senior. Essentially I told him, he had me dress up in his sister's clothes (which I was only too happy to do at the time), and then it happened. I buried that inside me for over a decade, only telling someone about it last summer.

I felt for the longest time that the ordeal was somehow my fault and so actually making the decision to transition brought all of the memories to the fore. I don't know why I'm spilling all of my most personal details on the internet, other than to say I think it's something we all go through. The scars left by our transitions are more than those from SRS; there are emotional scars too, and they tend to heal slowly.   

Quote from: AbbyJ on January 14, 2011, 11:05:31 PM
I think for me there was only one thing that got dug up by my transition that was unpleasant. Okay, maybe two as I was re-disowned by my father... but he was never close to him anyway so he doesn't count.

When I was 14, just two months before my birthday, I was sexually assaulted. This happened just as I had shared my feelings on gender with a "friend", a neighborhood boy several years my senior. Essentially I told him, he had me dress up in his sister's clothes (which I was only too happy to do at the time), and then it happened. I buried that inside me for over a decade, only telling someone about it last summer.

I felt for the longest time that the ordeal was somehow my fault and so actually making the decision to transition brought all of the memories to the fore. I don't know why I'm spilling all of my most personal details on the internet, other than to say I think it's something we all go through. The scars left by our transitions are more than those from SRS; there are emotional scars too, and they tend to heal slowly.   

Abby,
I'm really sorry to hear what you went through, but I thank you for sharing. I'm infuriated that someone took advantage of your needs.  I'm lucky in that most of my issues were self-inflicted.
Were you able to work through it?

Quote from: Forum Admin on January 14, 2011, 11:51:33 PM
Abby,
I'm really sorry to hear what you went through, but I thank you for sharing. I'm infuriated that someone took advantage of your needs.  I'm lucky in that most of my issues were self-inflicted.
Were you able to work through it?

I think I've managed to deal with it for the most part. I was able to get over my fears of presenting in public rather quickly once I knew I had friends that supported me. That and I had to convince myself that it wasn't my fault that it happened to me; that I had a right to dress the way that made me most comfortable. Still, I can't watch rape scenes in movies and I get really upset / emotional when people take a cavalier attitude towards victims. (The latter happens more times in discussions on the issue than you might think.)

In hindsight I just wish that someone could have been there to tell me about the feelings I had, to let me know I wasn't to be ashamed of myself, to hug me, or to warn me about the types of sick people that get off on abusing young girls. Then again, I'm still here and strong willed. It can't be all bad, eh?

I haven't really experienced this.
Obviously I had issues, like my binge drinking and compulsive trolling, but they kinda worked their way out of my system on their own as I adjusted to female life. These issues were caused by GID and thus they were slowly resolved as the GID went away. Counselling helped a lot too; it allowed me to recognise the issues and deal with them appropriately.
And now that I've been speyed, I intend to get fat, mellow and purr a lot while lazing in the sun all day 

Gee Nero, here I go referring you to my blog again.  We are going through recovery from being lying shmucks who hurt alot of people by pretending to be something we weren't.  Recovery programs usually include personal inventories.  You gotta deal with it, in my opinion.

My GF says I am the most well-adjusted person she knows.  Now I am.  My sh** was so scrambled that I really had to get it together, to get it together.  Half-ass wouldn't do.

Yes.

Transition has meant that the mental static that followed me throughout my past is now gone in my present day-to-day life.  By mental static, I mean... well, I mean dysphoria.  I never used to think of it like that, because I didn't know the word, but that's the best description.

The catch is that even though it's no longer such a problem, the dysphoria did impact me--in childhood and particularly in adolescence.  The fact that everyone took me to be an atypical girl--and took me to task for that, verbal and physical blows--I guess all of that affected me more than I thought.  It doesn't matter that it no longer happens, the past still seems very real because it shaped who I am today.  Same goes for some of the other things that happened while growing up (a lot of fighting on the part of adults, a lot of fear and worry on my part as a child).  Everything left its mark.  For the record, I thought I had my "mental ducks in a row" before transition as well.  Turns out, I was just pushing a lot of other stuff aside to deal with the biggest problem first.

That's the irony, I suppose - we get only a life time to sort out life's issues. We can't make everything perfect, and to focus on one thing usually undoes something else. We can spend our whole lives chasing our tails, chasing perfection. But I think Maslow was right - we get our physical needs taken care of, and then keep moving on up. Maybe our problems do get smaller, but it's all we have to focus on, so we lose that sense of proportion. I guess that's what everyone else has been saying too?

It's a sign of progress. It's probably a good thing.

Yes, I'm currently having to deal with my stupid, idiot and downright compulsive obsession with fat and calories and my weight in general. I'd completely forgotten how much i starved myself in my last two years of school...i was lighter now than i am now and i didn't even have the excuse of loss of muscle mass due to HRT.

I get angry with my self for obsessively counting my fat intake...then angry with myself when i give into the cravings (and boy do i get cravings sometimes) and then even angrier with myself for being so bloody stupid.

Oh yes definitely.  I have Asperger's syndrome.  It's always been a sensitive topic for me and it's something I never talk about.  I used to see it as a disease, that kept me from truly integrating into the world.  I don't understand people very well and am often not understood.  But in order to accept myself as trans I had to accept everything else about myself too, including this.  I'm not a 'person with autism', I'm autistic.  It is who I am just as trans is who I am, and all I can do is carry on with my life in the best way I can.

I'm so much more at peace now, it's great.