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Uncertain future with transitioning

Started by toxicblue, January 15, 2011, 09:36:21 PM

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toxicblue

So, as I get closer and closer to wanting to transition from male to female, there's a lot of issues that I have to deal with.  And just so you all know, I live with my parents, and I'm 18.

The first is, actually getting to a therapist.  I don't have a car, so I would have to take a bus/walk a while to get to the therapy place.  Then I'm totally uncertain as to how much money it would cost, and my parents would ask me where I was all day, and I'd be like, Ahhh, what should I dooo?  Not to mention, I don't have insurance, and I am not using my parent's insurance, that would be way to scary, cause they most likely would not accept me as a girl.

That comes to my second issue, they wouldn't accept me.  If they found out I went to therapy, or if I stay at home long enough and get hormones and they notice, well, I'll be screwed.  My dad seems to think all things dealing with homosexuals are disgusting, which would undoubtedly translate to never accepting me as female, and most likely kicking me out.  And... yeah I'm just out of high school so I still have friends I can turn to... maybe.  Most people I know are conservative, and if they aren't they live outside of town (where I have a job), or live with someone (like a boyfriend), and that would just mess things up.  There may be some guys that would help me if I got kicked out, but it would be very awkward for me to live with them, as you could imagine.  Not to mention, with the economy the way it is, finding a job in a new location would SUCK.  Just plain suck...

Also, I just want my life to be normal.  I don't want to be seen as "that trans person," I want to be seen as a woman.  I'm not going to college right now, and I don't want to til I'm full time, but I am so afraid of finding people I can just hang out with and be friends with.  Sure, maybe I could try anime conventions or LGBT groups or events... but those are shots in the dark.  I'm just tired of sitting at home and barely working with no one to talk to.  It really gets to me over time.

So, any advice or words of wisdom to give me?  I'm just so afraid that I can lose everything with this transition, I don't know where to turn...
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JS

I know that there's an online therapist at www.brandnewdaycounseling.com and some people here have used her. I'm just starting too, and I'm going with therapy this way. That's all I know.
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Sharky

Welcome to the club. I assume most 18 year olds still live with their parents or live in a dorm, likely paid for by their parents. If your parents can't accept you then they obviously aren't going to fund your transition, and you have to.

Unless you win the lottery, parents have a change of heart, find a friend/lover that will let you freeload, you aren't going to be transitioning anytime soon. I wouldn't say the first thing is getting to a therapist, doesn't seem like you are in a safe place to start your transition. I wouldn't risk getting kicked out if you aren't sure you will have somewhere to go. That would just be adding problems to your life.

I would say the most important thing for you to be doing right now is to be working towards independence.  Most of us would love to be "normal." The sooner you accept that you will never be a "normal" cis person the better.  For the most part, every transsexual wishes they had a standard issued body. The closest you will get is what surgery and hormones will give you. A process that is very expensive and most likely unaffordable without a college degree. The reality is you won't be able to transition until after college. Right now you are living with you parents, I assuming rent free with only a cell phone bill to pay. While you live in this cushy dependence, you can save a lot of money. Money that you can later put towards your future. I suggest grabbing your bootstraps and going to your local college. Apply for all the finical aid you can. I didn't think I was going to get much, but I got most of it covered with grants. Put your time in, hope that you will be able to make money you can live off of and transition with, within your chosen field.
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Lee

Are you looking at colleges?  If so, you can usually talk to a therapist free through the school. 
Oh I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love

A blah blog
http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,365.0.html
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CaitJ

Sometimes we need to make sacrifices in order to transition.
Now, I'm not saying that this is necessarily advice that pertains to you, but sometimes the most responsible and logical course of action is to delay transition until one has the means to transition. This may mean going through college as male, getting a decent job, saving up money and THEN transitioning.
Because trying to transition while in a bad situation may well make the situation much worse.
There are plenty of people who transitioned at 18 and succeeded, but these people generally have strong family backing or are very independent people who can look after themselves. You need to ask yourself whether you are tough enough to follow through with this on your own, or wait until you have enough money and a support framework to catch you if you fall.
So weigh up your options.
If you feel that transitioning now would be a disaster, then wait. If you feel that the risks are worth the rewards, then shoot for gold right now  :)
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toxicblue

@ JS
I haven't even thought about online counseling.  Thanks for the thought!

@ Sharky
Thanks so much for posting this, it's nice to have realistic feedback like this.  Now, I did just remember that my grandpa offered to let me move in his place if things got bad here, and I'm pretty sure he's more accepting than my parents but, it's still a shot in the dark.  Anyways, the reason I want to transfer so soon is because I've always heard that the sooner, the better, and I really don't want to wait so long that testosterone really does some damage (and I heard about 10 years after puberty is when it gets harder for transition).  I mean, with my income right now, after looking through some prices for stuff this online counseling (with a stretch on normal counseling, I probably would be able to pull it off, but it would take probably everything I make.  And surgery right now is waaaay far off.  Though it's something I want to do someday, I can wait.  HRT, however, would be nice to have pretty soon.  And thanks for the reminder about college, it was because of not owning a car that I held off on it, though I seriously want to get back as soon as possible, preferably Fall 11.

@ Lee
Hm, never thought about that.  I'll keep that into consideration.  But yes, as I said, I am looking to go to school asap.

@ Vexing
Again, thanks for the realistic comment.  I really am willing to sacrifice a lot for this, because I've sacrificed so much already to put on the male face and try to make it like I'm a normal guy.  But again college... it doesn't seem like a bad idea. 

And one more question for anyone.  Does it sound like a good idea, or a stretch, to try to do a 2 year school, then transition, then go back to a four year school full time, in general?
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tekla

Sometimes we always need to make sacrifices in order to transition get anything we really want.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
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kaLeY

You should definitely consider online gender therapy sessions!  It sounds like that would be the most ideal and cost effective solution for you.  I personally am currently doing online therapy with Melissa Leonhardt and she has been great so far!  As JS has already stated, her website can be found at the following link: http://www.brandnewdaycounseling.com/index.html

The cost is $35/hour session and she is pretty flexible about scheduling and what not and she doesn't charge for writing recommendation letters for HRT/surgery whereas some other therapists will.  She accepts paypal as a payment method, so if you have your own checking/savings/credit card, then it would be a really confidential way of paying (unless your parents check your statements).  I'm not trying to make this sound like a sales pitch, just trying to provide info but anyways, you should definitely consider it!  And the best of luck on your journey!
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ClaireA

You might also want to check into getting counseling through a youth clinic - they are available in most metro areas, and are usually in a place accessible to those without transportation. I see my therapist at what is essentially a STD/Birth Control clinic for youth ages 17 - 22 that also happens to have a counseling arm. My therapist specializes in gender and runs her own practice, charging $110/hr. But through the youth clinic, I get my appointments with her for only $10 a visit!

For someone in your situation, looking for independence is the first step. When I realized my parents weren't going to be accepting if I told them, I worked my butt off and got an apartment.

If you cant transition right now, take small steps toward transitioning. I can't transition full-time for 4 more months while I finish my degree at my transphobic college, but I'm taking baby steps now that wont get me kicked out of school: growing out and wearing my hair straight, having electrolysis done, HRT, etc. Some people transition in one fell swoop, others take baby steps...
21 22 and loving life! (yuk. i hate getting old!)


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