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New FTM

Started by Dan-ization, January 17, 2011, 09:35:56 AM

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Dan-ization

Hi I am new to this website. (As far as I am aware!), I suffer from gender dysphoria, but only 'came out' to my boyfriend a few days ago. I am 19 and in university so I do not live with my parents, but I am scared of coming out to them and my brother. What would be the best way of doing it?

I would like to find out as much information as possible so I can make a decision, I know a little about phalloplasty and chest surgeries, but I do not know how to even begin my journey. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks in advance.

;D
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Miniar

Yo and welcome to the forums, make sure to swing by the announcement section and familiarize yerself with the rules and regulations.

Coming out is something that's a little bit different for everyone, but I believe it helps to have thought out exactly what you want to say, and exactly what you want to "not say". By which I mean, there's certain things that I can say, be perfectly honest, and accurately express what I mean (for me; I experience myself as male and want to change my body to fit that) and there are certain things that I want to make sure the other person knows I am not saying nor meaning (for me; I am not going to change who I am, I'm still me and I'll still be me, I just need to change the packaging to fit who I've always been).

Where you change the transition itself can be different based on where you are.
It took me months to find my "step one" due to the information not being freely available where I live and due to doctors not even knowing what trans means.
The standards of care refer to therapy first. That means finding a therapist that is qualified in gender issues specifically, or at the very least trans friendly. (In other words; Gender Therapist)

I'd also like to suggest looking through the wiki (top of the page has a link) for more info on the standards of care and the options available to FTMs



"Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell" - Nietzsche
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Miniar

iirc... the UK process has a gender identity clinic as one of the early steps.. You may need a referral for it or something like that..



"Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell" - Nietzsche
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Nathan.

Hey, welcome to Susans  :) I'm from the UK too.

The first step is to go to your gp and tell them you want a referral to a psychologist or phyciatrist or something like that, tell your gp what it's for and they should know. The person you are referred to after a few appointments (i think 3?) will then refer you to a GIC.
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Janet_Girl

Hi Bexico, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 5000 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )


Hugs and Love,
Janet
   
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Lord of the Dance

Hi there, Bexico, welcome to the forum! Congrats on making the first step. The road ahead's a long and arduous one, but there will be plenty of wonderful people to help you along the way. :)

Corny dialogue over, there are a couple of different routes you can take in order to start things off. It really depends on whether you're able and/or willing to pay for treatment privately or not — if you decide to, there are a number of private clinics you can check yourself into (Dr. Curtis' Transhealth and Dr Lorimer's GenderCare being the two most prominent in the London zone) which should help get you started. As far as I know, you don't need a referral — just ring up and book a consultation, but it's quite pricey.

If you decide to go the NHS route, you'll first need to go and speak to your GP (or one that you trust) and tell them you're having questions about your gender. This will then probably lead to a conversation about what it is, exactly, that you're feeling and what you want to happen. The GP should then write to a general psychiatrist who will make an appointment to discuss your situation further, which will mostly involve some routine questions to check your physical and mental health history, but they'll also ask you about your gender and stuff like that. After that's out of the way, they should then write to your nearest NHS gender clinic (which I would imagine is London Charing Cross, but it depends where you live). They will then send you an appointment through the post, but they tend to be quite busy, so this can take a few weeks or even months. The waiting list can be quite startling, so expect your appointment to be several months away! It's worth waiting it out, though — I was offered an appointment in November 2010 (which was seven months from when I received the letter) but they had some cancellations and I was then offered one in July instead, which was quite amazing! :)

The prospect of waiting such a long time for anything to begin happening is quite a scary thought, so my recommendation would be to try and find yourself a nice counsellor to chat to in the in-between period while you wait for your NHS consultation. Your GP can make a referral for you to speak to an NHS counsellor, or if you have the money, you can find a gender specialist to speak to. I was terrified of having counselling at first, but I'm so, so glad I chose to do it. I found it so helpful and the guy I spoke to (James Caspian, I cannot recommend him enough) was fantastic. It can be a great way to find out about what future options are available to you in terms of transition and help you to figure out what, exactly, you want out of it. Every trans person is different of course, and not everyone has hormones or surgery! It may help you to feel a little more confident when you walk into Charing Cross (or wherever) with more of an idea of what you want. In addition to that, the NHS may require you to have a minimum of 3 months counselling before they begin to talk about hormones and surgery (if that is in your future plans of course), so it kind of kills two birds with one stone and gets it out the way early ;]

I would also suggest hitting up any local FTM groups that are going on. FTM London is one of them, you may have heard of it — it's a great group that meets on the first Saturday of every month in Camden. It's a great place to go and meet people from all stages of transition and just make some new friends. :]

I apologise for rambling inanely, I do hope this post has been at least somewhat helpful. I tend to go off on a tangent a bit and not make very much sense, so I hope I've not come across too overwhelmingly stupid! I'm by no means the most experienced person here, most of this is lifted from what I personally went through. There are a lot of different ways of doing it, and like I said everyone is different.

Very best of luck to you sir, if you have any more questions about the NHS pathway or just fancy a chat with another London local feel free to hit me up! ;D


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Lord of the Dance

Very best of luck to you with your family, remember that it will of course be a shock to them but with time, they'll come around, I'm sure. :) If I may make another suggestion, perhaps a more delicate way to approach this is to simply tell them you're having questions about your gender. Even if you're totally sure this is what you want to do, it might just be easier for them to deal with and they may feel that they're more a part of this process. I think what a lot of parents find hardest about the coming out thing is that it's a massive bombshell and they feel they're kind of expected to accept all this new information and it's too much all at once. By implying that you're simply questioning, it acts as a kind of warning and helps them adjust to the idea.

I hope that made sense!!

Finding a name can be pretty difficult (I still don't have one haha!), if your mum is understanding maybe she can help give you some ideas? :)


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Nathan.

Before I came out I dropped some hints, saying I wanted a boys hair cut, asking what she would have named me if had guy bits, somehow working transsexuals into the conversation ect. Eventually she asked me. Felt a bit silly afterwards though, wished I came out sooner.
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Lee

Hey, welcome to the site.
I'm in pretty much the same place as you.  I'm a college student who's just getting started and working on coming out to my parents and brother.  I don't know much about the system in the UK, but you may want to start with visiting a school counselor.  They're free and can generally help you find a direction while waiting for a gender clinic. 

As for coming out to your parents, I know how terrifying it is, and I hope things go well for you.
Quote from: Bexico5 on January 17, 2011, 01:22:25 PM
It's like you're my new mum  ;D you can be if my mum disowns me  ;)

I'm suddenly imagining Janet saying things like "Play nice kids" and "Don't make me turn this forum around!"  Oddly enough, it suits her.  :laugh:
Oh I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love

A blah blog
http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,365.0.html
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Greg

Hi Bexico, I'm from the UK too, there's quite a few of us so if you need any help/advice with the system here then we are your fountain of knowledge.

You're in uni so maybe you could check if they have an LGBT society. The majority of members will probably be LGB but its worth a try and they might be able to put you in contact with a therapist or councellor.

You may want to make sure that you have all your thoughts in order before coming out to family, but its a very personal thing in deciding when is the right time to come out. If you have trouble taking about these things face to face, a letter is a good way of coming out.
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Nathan.

That's great, you have an awesome brother  ;D
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Lee

Very nice  :)
Here's hoping my brother is as cool about it.
Oh I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love

A blah blog
http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,365.0.html
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HarryP

Hi mate, I'm from the UK too so as you can see there's lots of British guys on here  :)

Sounds like you have a really supportive brother, which is great! Good luck with the rest of the family, hope it goes as well for you.

All I would say is, don't feel you have to rush into changing your appearance and telling everyone immediately - of course it's fine if you do, but also to take your time.  Be patient, keep yourself well informed of the process of transition, and be prepared for some people to be great and others to struggle with it; and of course be prepared that the NHS can take a while!

Good luck buddy, it's all so exciting getting to live how you've always wanted to so enjoy it too!

Harry x

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Sam-

Congrats about your brother! I'm sure that's a huge relief, and it's great to have someone in your family be so supportive. I hope it goes as well with your parents, be sure to let us know.
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Nathan.

I wish you luck with living as a 'girl' it's not something i'd be able to do but I can understand why you would want to.

Glad you're going still post here now and then  :)
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Al James

Welcome from another UK guy. I had a child when i was 19, already knew i was transgender, but was trying to prove myself wrong. I wouldn't change Matt for the world but i also didn't think it was fair to confuse him so i have waited til he's 18 to transition. Purely my choice but i feel i have a lot of wasted years behind me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
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