Hello everyone, this the first topic that I post here apart from my introduction, and I'd like to dedicate it to a recent event that happened in my life that had a strong effect on me. I recently bought a book on the subject of transsexuality (Whipping Girl: A transsexual woman on sexism and the scapegoating of femininity, by Julia Serano) as a way of exploring the idea. I generally identify as a trans girl, but I am still in a very exploratory state and I am pretty much closeted about it.

My parents didn't know about it, and I didn't feel like it really was the time for me to tell them. I would have preferred to let them know once I was sure about it, particularly knowing them and their openness to this kind of issue. However, I'm not a person who likes to lie, and within myself, I really hoped that somehow the subject would come up so I could tell them about it. Therefore, I was kinda voluntarily negligent by letting my book on my desk and my parent ended up seeing it and confronting me about it.

My father was the first to come to me, asking me what this meant. While at first I told him that I wasn't ready to tell him, he insisted for me to open, and I did. He took it very bad, to say the least. He considered that I was hurting him by even thinking about these kind of things and he felt that if I was to ever walk this way, I'd cause him and my mother a huge pain. He also tried to convince me that I made all of this up in an obsessive manner, that obsessive compulsive behavior was common in the family and that it was certainly what I was going through. He also told me that he had always seen transsexuals as people who had lost their mind and had gone to far in a wrong direction.

This was very hard for me, as I have always considered my father as an intelligent man and his opinion usually matters a lot to me. It was also hard because my father is currently not working due to a depression and I know that he is not in a strong position mentally and emotionally. As much as I would like to confront him on his views, I fear of causing him harm.

My mother also came to me, being less extreme in her language and simply saying that she couldn't possibly have imagined me going through something like that. She then proceeded trying to convince me of the same thing as my father, that it was an obsession that I developed because of my family predisposition and that I was trying to marginalize myself in order to make my life more miserable. She also offered to pay for a psychiatric support, but she made it clear that she wanted this support to lead me Away from transsexuality.

I love my parents a lot and I respect their limits. But I also fell like I have to stand for myself because in the end, the only person who can know what's good for me... is me. I discussed this with my therapist and she had the same opinion as me, being that it's better to make my own mind and find out what is right for me. I'd like you folks to let me know what you think about this situation, and maybe talk about how your own coming out with your own parents went, so that I can have some other people's opinion on the matter.

Oh hell...my coming out to my parents went in two stages:

Stage 1.
Caught cross dressing at age 16; they told me that I must be gay and to 'stop it'.
It was never broached in conversation again and it was made clear that I'd be 'given a hiding' (physically assaulted) if I talked about it (to anyone).

Stage 2.
Transition at age 28; I called them and told them that I was going to work the next day as a woman.
My step mother cried, tried to pin it on something she had done during my childhood and generally didn't accept it. She refused to tell me father.

The only person you can count on during your transition and/or self-exploration of your identity is yourself.

Amen Sister.

Hi Kitty

Well as much as you love your father and mother, it is not about what they feel or want in regards to this issue.  It is about, what you want and nobody else can dictate what you want for yourself, regardless of who they are or the circumstances they are currently in.  Even to the extent whether they support you or disown you.

No matter what your decision you can be rest assured that the people here on Susan's will support you no matter what.  Take care and all the best for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B

This is pretty much the conclusion that I have come to myself. But it feels like such a huge responsibility to have to take a decision that can have such a deep impact on my life and on my relationship with other people. It's hard to think that I am the only person who can take it. And more importantly, what feels wrong to me is that there are so many people who think so many different things about it, it's hard to get my bearing on what is right and what is wrong.

I know it has to come from myself, but I've never been good at trusting my insides and I have seen them fail me more then once (I've be depressive a good part of my life, feeling that I wasn't worth anything). I know it's not up to other people to decide for me, but I feel like it is so important to have good intentioned people there to help you cope with life.

For me, the fact that my parents, who keep telling me that they love me and want the best for me would be so comprehensive of my situation and cause me so much pain is mind blowing. I know they love and I know that they want the best for me... They just don't know how to it and, because of their own feelings and uncertainties, they don't seem to be willing to learn how.

I think that right now, I need to find people who are really supportive. I've already came out to my parents, my girlfriend (I will tell of that later in another post) and my therapist, but I feel like I need to have a friend on my side. Someone who, unlike my girlfriend and my parents, won't be too affected on a personal level, but with whom I can have a level of relationship that would be impossible to have with a therapist. Now I just need to find who among my friends I can trust enough to go trough this.