Well, okay not exactly. But the same thing.
I just got back from seeing my therapist this afternoon. Wow, what a long way I've come in the last few months since starting to see her.
I started seeing her late last year to really dive into the issue of transition. "Transition" in some form or another has been on my mind since childhood, whether I was praying to God every night for a miracle transition to be a girl, or wishing on every star for a magical transition, or whether it's asking the medical establishment for it - it's been a constant desire.
However - I've taken my journey extremely slow. And it has only been in the last couple years that I have finally come to realize this isn't going away, that I can't fight it any more, and that I either have to face it head on, or live in despair.
At each step in my path I've committed myself to just taking one step forward and giving myself time to get used to it and see if it helps my gender dysphoria. Over the last seven years I've done laser hair removal, some electrolysis (more to do), taken herbs (early on, do not recommend), and one of the last steps for me was getting on anti-androgens to see if having a lower libido would help me from having so many triggers (recommend). I also tried distractions, coping mechanisms, and overworking myself. All failed.
In the end though I am a transgender woman. I can remove my hair, I can lower my testosterone, take herbs, cross-dress - whatever but it ultimately hasn't felt like me. These things were part of my journey, but I think only one thing will let me live in peace. I have been happiest through this when I was in transition towards my true self - and the next step is really just one extra small pill (already on spiro), even though it will bring bigger changes.
In the last couple sessions I told my therapist I am ready for HRT (well, basically to add Estrogen to the mix). She basically gave me her evaluation. She said she has no reservations recommending me for HRT, and confirms me in my decision whenever I feel ready to start. In my case asking her for her opinion was an extra step I wanted to take because technically my doctor (who has known I'm transgender for 18 months) doesn't require a letter to administer hormones for transgender patients.
At the end of the session she asked me how it felt to me to have her say that. I told her it makes me happy (YAY), a little scared (mainly about my marriage and relationships), and it feels a little surreal (like is this really happening?).
I wish I had come to terms with this much sooner than I did, but I know it has taken me this long to get here as well.
