I know I'm a post whore. Just needed to get some more thinking out on paper. Feel free to comment if you wish, if not that's just as well.

With T Day approaching on Friday I am feeling a sense of dread. Dread knowing that my dad likely is going to not be happy with me. I've always sough to please him, and don't even really know how to go against his wishes.. and yet here I am. About to take this step, and it scares the F@ck out of me. I'm not sure if he knows yet, I sent mom an email last week telling her I intended to start on Friday.. I don't even know if she's checked that yet, because I haven't gotten a reply from her. I know she knows that I was considering starting HRT soon.. but that's it.

I guess what am I scared of?
-I'm discouraged by many of my friends that say that while they are still my friend, they cannot respect this lifestyle choice. And even though I explain it to them that this is not a lifestyle choice, gender is not a choice - they still think I'm going against God's will. I don't believe I am.. I believe through this process I am becoming who God meant me to be.
-I'm scare of dissapointing my parents.. I've always tried to be the good kid (and often not lived up to dad's perfectionist state).. I don't want to be on his bad side.. he's scary.
-I wish mom would tell me how she feels about this whole transition, from all I've heard from her on it.. is that she had always wondered if I was trans.. and from there on she's been supportive in actions.. such as helping me pick my name for legal name change, and telling dad about me being trans and changing my name and such.. but I really don't know where she stands on the issue.. other then loving me.
-I wish Dad hadn't brought up the topic of Ex-Trans and Ex-Gay.. because even though I've researched them and know they don't work.. what if they did in my case, what if I defied odds? What if I could turn into being the female child that society thinks I should be?
-I wish I had been born male, I can't say that I wish I had been born comfortable being a female.. because that person would not be who I am.. and II like who I am. I don't want that to change. And then I wouldn't have to go through this whole transition process. Or I wish there were some kind of instant fix..
-I wish I had been true to other people younger, I wish I hadn't hidden away my longing for SRS as a kid. I can remember talking about it with friends as young as grade 4, and telling them this was what I wanted.. but hitting junior high.. I remember people asking if I wish I had been born a boy.. and I'd lie and say no.. I was fine with who I was. Such a lie.
-I wish I had had courage to talk to my  parents about this before the fall. It's a long time to keep something hidden away.. my parents knew something was wrong as my mental health was plummeting.. but they didn't know what. (But then again I didn't. Soon as I hit my adult years I reptty much put this in the closet to myself as well)
-I wish that I didn't care what my parents thought about this, but I do, and I can't turn my feelings off.
-I wish that random doubts hadn't hit in the last few weeks as T day approaches. After months of being so impatient for this day and so excited.. I am now flucuating between high excitment and fear of parents.. and fear of regret. What if one day I wake up and decide that I am a female, 10, 20, 50 years down the line. Dad was telling people when I came out to him.. that this was just a phase. I don't think it's a phase, I've wanted this since I was like 7 or younger.. that's a long-ass phase to be going through.. but then again what if he's right? What if I hit 28 and decide what the hell did I do? I can't picture myself being happy as a female anytime in the future. It's not who I am. I can picture myself being a happy male, hell my grades have improved dramatically, I've been making tonnes of friends, and I am happy, depression and anxiety issues have cleared up, insomnias gone away within the first month of fainlly deciding to do something about this and start accepting myself.. I decided that in late May last year, and by mid june most of my issues were vanished, and gone when I started living full time in July. it doesn't seem likely that some day my mind will make a flip to female... but what if it does? For god's sakes I study neuroscience and psychology.. and brains don't just change gender wiring in your adult years (excluding some very exceptional circumstances), I know that it won't. Why can't I convince myself of that.
-I'll never have a proper male body.. that's really discouraging. People tell me that I can never be male.. and that is true in some regards and it's a crushing realization.
-Sometimes I wish I were dead.. so that I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Why does this transition process have to be.. so rough? Why can't people live and let live? I know that my parents want what is best for me, and I know dad's just being the concerned parent.. but sigh...
-Why couldn't I be intersexed, at least I could point to a physical reason to all the nay sayers.

Why couldn't I have just been born male, been born in the correct body. Why can't I be excited about the fact that I am coming up to one of the largest steps I'll be making in trying to align body with mind. Why am I letting other people influence my thinking at this point in time. Am I missing something here?

My T sits here on my desk waiting for my appointment - and it flucuates betweenw wanting to throw it at the wall and watch it shatter.. so that I don't have to deal with people disproving of this, and of what I'm sure will be dad trying to talk me out of this or stop T depending when mom tells him, and between wanting to inject it right now because I'm so excited to go on living my life, and passing even better, and having my body change into something I'm more comfortable with.

Anyhow. Therapy for my mind and fingers. Sometimes I just need to write in a public place.. so that even if know one responds.. I know that someone at least heard me.

You have some of my same fears. At least your out of the closet, I'm not.

Tad,
I am sorry you are feeling so stressed. Life is full of choices and various roads that can be taken. Only you know which one to take.

Sometimes there is no easy answer. We love our parents. This is true. But this is your life now. You have to live the way your heart tells you is right.

I really wish there was a way to pry the hearts open, and the minds open of the ones we love. I often consider Roxy's family. I would love to sway her parents to an open mind. Her brothers and sister just make me angry. I think all of the pain and hurt that family inflicts on us, is such a waste of time. Pain and hurt cause us all to loose time. I regret lost time.

One thing is everyone talks about God's wishes and not a one has come up with an answer that is logical and makes any sense.

If a child is born with bad hearing should he not wear a hearing aid? God made him deaf. Or a child with poor eye sight shouldn't wear glasses? God made him blind? Or a child with hemophilia should not have blood transfusions and should die because he lost too much blood? God made him a hemophiliac. A woman with endometrial cancer should not have hormones after surgery?
The lack of logic and willingness to understand is incomprehensible to me. People and their ignorance and insistent prejudice are offensive in the extreme.

I am sorry you have to suffer through all of this. I wish I had an answer. I am sorry if my response is a bit lame. I wanted you to know I read it and sympathize.  I have followed your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Many, many, many big hugs.
Patty

Those are a lot of my worries, too.  One of my biggest worries is the "what if I change my mind" one.  What if I go back on T (I was on it for a few months) and five or ten years from now I realize it WAS all just a very long phase and I really want to be a woman only now I've got a beard (already have a good bit of one) and a baritone voice and all my family is like "I told you so"?  It's a scary thought.

Quote from: Mr.Rainey on January 24, 2011, 10:12:17 PM
You have some of my same fears. At least your out of the closet, I'm not.

Same.

But from reading all your other posts n watching your videos, you seem really ready. This is a big step, so of course your gunna have some worries. I think after your first shot, you'll feel better, and once you start getting changes you'll feel so much better and all these concerns will drop. Even though your mom may not talk about how she feels, she seems to support you, and once your mom and even dad see how happy you are when you appear more of yourself, then it will get better. And your friends that arent fully accepting, well its not up to them to judge, only God can judge you, and hopefully they realize that. It would be unfair for them to disassociate with you because of something that has nothing to do with them, that is between you and God. That may have not made sense, but it did in my head... Anyway hope your feelin better. Congrats on the T and I know you've been waiting so long, so once your done bein nervous, your gunna be really happy man.

I have these same thoughts and fears.  What if I regret it?  What if I wake up one morning thinking, "Omigod, what have I DONE?!"

My mom's not pleased with me being trans.  She keeps telling me it's a phase, that I'll regret it...that's when she'll talk with me about it at all.

I know EXACTLY how you feel

big hug bb <3

Quote from: Mrs Erocse on January 24, 2011, 10:18:42 PM

If a child is born with bad hearing should he not wear a hearing aid? God made him deaf. Or a child with poor eye sight shouldn't wear glasses? God made him blind? Or a child with hemophilia should not have blood transfusions and should die because he lost too much blood? God made him a hemophiliac. A woman with endometrial cancer should not have hormones after surgery?

See, the people I know don't consider this on the same plain as those kind of issues. Trans and homosexuality are just sin, sin that has caused warped personalities and whatnot.. so it's the sin that needs to be fixed, not the body. That's what people around me like to think. I don't believe that.. but it hurts that other people view it that way, and can't just accept that that isn't the issue.

and the whole God judgement thing. That's why I picked my middle name as Daniel - means God is my Judge.. there to remind me always that I can't let others get to me, it doesn't matter what they think or believe.

Anyhow thanks.

But anyhow.. I'm done with the religous debate bit. I sorted that out, so my doubts and worries aren't related there, it's just sad that friends can't be accepting of this, when they have been such amazing friends in the past.

means God is my Judge..

Interesting cross-cultural deal, but the real gang-bangers (not the white kids in the 'burbs playing at it, but the guys with bones) are very fond of the "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoo on their bellies.  I think its a Tupac deal, but that's just a guess.  But the tats are real enough, I've seen those.

Quote from: tekla on January 24, 2011, 11:39:24 PM
means God is my Judge..
Interesting cross-cultural deal, but the real gang-bangers (not the white kids in the 'burbs playing at it, but the guys with bones) are very fond of the "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoo on their bellies.  I think its a Tupac deal, but that's just a guess.  But the tats are real enough, I've seen those.

I think most gang members are Catholic Unlike the born again's Catholics believe that ONLY God can judge them as "saved" or not.

Quote from: Tad on January 24, 2011, 08:06:42 PM
-I'll never have a proper male body.. that's really discouraging. People tell me that I can never be male.. and that is true in some regards and it's a crushing realization.

Well, no, there's no such thing as a body transplant yet (although someday I hope science can evolve to put human consciousness in android bodies like on old school Star Trek! heh) and that is something you have to live with and get cozy with. Even if you went so far as to get bottom surgery it will never function like that of a bio male. Taking hormones changes your body internally but most importantly to those who take it, externally. The outside world can see you as male and treat you as male (although honestly, you look totally male as-is). When you look in the mirror, it can be the guy you are inside looking back at you. I guess for a lot of people that's enough. They just want to be treated like the gender they are. I've obviously done a lot of thinking about this myself since I'm one of the few that came to the conclusion that I didn't need to "transition" to be myself.

Quote from: Tad on January 24, 2011, 08:06:42 PM
-Sometimes I wish I were dead.. so that I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Why does this transition process have to be.. so rough? Why can't people live and let live? I know that my parents want what is best for me, and I know dad's just being the concerned parent.. but sigh...

Focus on any good stuff in your life ... good experiences ... good people ... good achievements. I know how difficult it is when you feel like you're not being accepted by your parents. That was one of the reasons why I never 100% came clean with my folks about how I honestly felt. I did it in round about ways and they knew I was different so I was cut a lot of slack in their eyes with certain things. But still ... my mom still clings to the "my little girl" thing. I let her. I mean I haven't lived with my parents for over a decade so it's not the same as when I lived at home.

And every time when I was younger that I said something like, "I wish I were dead", I wasn't really thinking that through. Now I'd never say it because I've seen family and friends sitting on their death beds and the pain in their eyes when they wished for just one more day of life. It's a brutal reality and I know you probably don't seriously mean it, but think about that. Think about all the people that are in a far worse spot and the clock is winding down for them. They have no more choices. This is some difficult ->-bleeped-<- you're going through, but you're alive and you're healthy and you've got your whole life to live.

Quote from: Tad on January 24, 2011, 08:06:42 PM
-Why couldn't I be intersexed, at least I could point to a physical reason to all the nay sayers.

Eh, that's one of those be careful what you wish for things. I got extremely lucky in that I don't have a serious adrenal disorder or "abnormal" chromosomes, but I definitely don't have a 100% female body either and a very odd hormone profile for a normal female. Sure it's fun basically having a dick that sort of functions but honestly most of my life it's been a giant headache to have to deal with. Imagine the doctors visits ... being a horny teenager and knowing you would have some serious explaining to do if you even fooled around with anyone ... being taken advantage of or objectified because you're not "normal" ... jeez tons of reasons there. I guess if you're lucky T will pretty much give you what I was born with anyway, so there you go.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on January 25, 2011, 12:17:43 AM

Well, no, there's no such thing as a body transplant yet (although someday I hope science can evolve to put human consciousness in android bodies like on old school Star Trek! heh) and that is something you have to live with and get cozy with. Even if you went so far as to get bottom surgery it will never function like that of a bio male. Taking hormones changes your body internally but most importantly to those who take it, externally. The outside world can see you as male and treat you as male (although honestly, you look totally male as-is). When you look in the mirror, it can be the guy you are inside looking back at you. I guess for a lot of people that's enough. They just want to be treated like the gender they are. I've obviously done a lot of thinking about this myself since I'm one of the few that came to the conclusion that I didn't need to "transition" to be myself.

yeah it's hte bit about not functioning properly that drives me batters. I'm already treated as male.. but still, I get really frusterated when it comes to sex and what, and with the available options.. know that I likely always will be frusterated. But it's something I'll jave to get used to.


And every time when I was younger that I said something like, "I wish I were dead", I wasn't really thinking that through. Now I'd never say it because I've seen family and friends sitting on their death beds and the pain in their eyes when they wished for just one more day of life. It's a brutal reality and I know you probably don't seriously mean it, but think about that. Think about all the people that are in a far worse spot and the clock is winding down for them. They have no more choices. This is some difficult ->-bleeped-<- you're going through, but you're alive and you're healthy and you've got your whole life to live.

I think a more accurate wish from when I was younger was not that I was dead.. but that I was born with an IQ in the 20's or that I got into some kind of accident that caused that.. which is really rather selfish as it'd mean that someone would always have to look after me. hehehehe. I was an intersting kid. And I've considered death a lot of times starting at age 11ish.. but life has always won out. Still, it's a thought that creeps in once in a while. No not suicide. I do like life to much.. but that it would be convenient if a bomb fell out of the sky on me or something.. yeah a bit eccentric I know.


Eh, that's one of those be careful what you wish for things. I got extremely lucky in that I don't have a serious adrenal disorder or "abnormal" chromosomes, but I definitely don't have a 100% female body either and a very odd hormone profile for a normal female. Sure it's fun basically having a dick that sort of functions but honestly most of my life it's been a giant headache to have to deal with. Imagine the doctors visits ... being a horny teenager and knowing you would have some serious explaining to do if you even fooled around with anyone ... being taken advantage of or objectified because you're not "normal" ... jeez tons of reasons there. I guess if you're lucky T will pretty much give you what I was born with anyway, so there you go.

I can't really imagine that, had no sex drive until around 18, and it's still severly lacking most of the time... and fooling around didn't start til this year - when I was already out. O_o... I'm a late bloomer. It's not about the intersex itself that I would want it, but just for the title.. and be like.. hey, lookit this, I never was fully female so cut me some slack on the whole you were born female so doing anything else is sin. But then again, I could be intersex to some degree. There are signs that would indeed point to that, just costs too much to explore.

Anyhow, I know I'm just being whiney. And I really wasn't wanting/expecting any replies. I just needed to let off mental steam that was building up and getting close to combustion point.

I think most gang members are Catholic

Crips or Bloods?

Tad, maybe you just haven't been slighted by society enough.  Trust me, you'll get tired of it eventually.  When you do, you'll wonder why you ever cared about what anybody else thought.

My body feels like a prison, and I am sure not going to let anybody convince me that I should live the rest of my life as a slave to it.  If they tell me that I'm going to Hell, then I'll tell them that at least I will be warm.

Your friends aren't really your friends.  They are the friends of the lie you were telling them.  This a very important distinction.

If this answer seems a bit tongue in cheek its not meant to be so forgive me. As one of the older members on the site- i'm 38- who is only just starting their transition, all i will say is that if you are sure about yourself, don't put it off for anyone else. Don't waste 20 years as i did, because it never goes away. Its always there sometimes at the back sometimes at the front of your mind, colouring everything you do. At 38 i know i can now start T soon, but it will never be the success it would have been if i'd started in my teens. I will never have the life i should have had. So much in my life has gone wrong mainly because i wasn't being honest with myself let alone others. I thought i could cope and push it down- all ive done is delay it. Figure out what you want and do it while your still young enough to benefit- James

I just want to add to the "well, once you're older..." line of comments. I know you're not looking for such detailed responses when you're just venting, but maybe these comments will make sense to you -and maybe they will help some of the other younger guys here, who are struggling with similar worries.

Here is reality: Almost all of the friends you grow up with are not likely to be the friends you have once you're done with school, have left your hometown, or once people start hitting major adult life milestones at a different pace (serious relationships, having children, building career, etc.). I know this can be hard to believe, because your friendships seem so important now. They are. Now. That WILL change. It changes for everyone, trans or not.

Friendships are often a product of circumstances in general, and this is PARTICULARLY true of friends made before you have graduated and finished school. They are the people you have to spend time with in school, church, neighborhood, the kids of your parents' friends, in your dorm, in your college support group, etc. You have so much in common. You get used to each other. I'm not saying these aren't real friendships. Of course they are. However, they are friendships with very obvious life spans. They *will* expire as you grow up, and almost none of these people who have been important to you before will matter once your friendship takes actual work, rather than convenience.

Terry, you're a cool dude, and you're going to have plenty of friends. You will build close relationships with people who get you - for who you are - and you really won't miss any of the people who are dropping you because "oh no! Being trans is a sin!" As you focus on your future education/career plans, the serious relationships in your life (whether it's with your current gf or someone else), your hobbies that will be with you for your life (like biking), the church or place you like to worship and feel welcomed, etc, there just won't be the same space or interest in having people around who are not compatible with all that. You won't have time or interest in caring about someone who knew you way back when in bible college. And there WILL be people you befriend, just because you work together, ride together, they are friends of your girlfriend (or wife in future), etc.

As for family, well, that's different. It sounds like your Mom does support you, in her own way, and she'll continue to be there for you. Will your Dad come around? Maybe, maybe not. Hard to say. Will *YOU* reach a point where you don't need/want/care about what your Mom & Dad think to the same extent? Of course you will. You are still developing into a healthy, independent adult. Your parents will always be your parents, but most people don't spend their adult lives worried about the approval of their parents (and there is always therapy for those who do - heh).

I know that right NOW it doesn't help me to tell you or any of the other young guys, "These people won't matter to you in the future - at all or as much" when it comes to friends or family. But that's true for me, and it's true for almost everyone I know who is my age, whether they are trans or not. And it sounds like this is what the other guys here are saying too. Consider it our form of "It gets better" for those of you still struggling with how the people around you are handling your transition.