I could write forever here but will give you a nutshell of me and hope to get some PM's and regular chat buddies. I seem to get the best help figuring things out through light hearted conversations and jokes. ?? Talking about problems seems to get me knowhere.
I grew up like we do. Figuring out how to bend in for survival. I did not want anyone to know so I anolized masculinity for years to make myself like that. Nobody messes with tough guys right? just hung with the punks. I was always a so cal skater punk. For some reason I whet completely overboard on masculinity. People feared my fearless agressiveness and I was very safe but very very depressed to not be me for ever. and didnt even know what I was anymore. Just some crazy idea that I was in the wrong body. That never goes away and is still there stronger than ever. I also destroy the lives of myself and those around me with testosterone driven passions. All I want is adreneline, and will destroy everything to get it. I dont even care if it kills me. I spent our entire life savings to build a race boat. Because I wanted to drag race. Then I make everyone miserable my only happy time is wide open throttle on that water at that point. I have no idea how to be a man or even see consiquences from my testosterone driven passions. This is one example of many messed up things I have done. ( I dont cheat and never hit or verbaly abuse , wanted to make that point. I am sweet just stupid, acting as a man)
5 years ago i started to really know what I have to do. I always lived with a hidden hope of transition in the future and that kept me going. so i lived as a straight punk guy for years. I found therapists that are very supportive. I only gave them the info that nade mye look ready, I didnt lie about anything , I just left things out that could trigger any red flags that could have them think I,M NOT READY YET. i DOVE IN WAY WAY TOO FAST AND FREAKED OUT. iF YOU ARE IN TRANSITION i DONT EVEN NEED TO GIVE YOU ANY DETAILS . yOU COULD tell me everything I was thinking can't you? (sorry about the cap lock)
Then I went too far out of transition. thought I could just keep living as a straight man. I did not know what would come next after I had my "B" cups removed. Life without hope.
It was a progressive anxiety. it grew over time to waves of panick attacks, abdominal pain, hot and cold flashes, sweating profuselly sometimes day and always through the night, muscle cramps. Sounds like something heroine users go through when they quit. But I only quit transition and hope. It is impossible to not constantly think of suicide in that conditionm. It is unbearable pain. If I take myself then I will give all that pain to those who love me. So I just took it. I felt like my body was getting ready to start breaking down and will die without even wanting to. Now I am going to go forward and leave anything behind that willstop me. My wife is not gay so I must only be her friende. We have Two little girls and the best thing is a happy family for them. So I am still a dad and a husband like friend with benifits. we live in separate rooms . I am eliminating all testosterone driven passion. I have even somehow put my sex drive wgere is was on hormones and even kind of feel like i did on hormones too, But physically I`m full of testosterone and DHT. I am almost ready to go back on hormones . I just want to keep throwing testosterone driven crap in the dumpster before I do. I think a DHT blocker wouldnt hurt to start soon . I am still daily battling dought and suicide. any little thing can set me off to getting very close. I cannot start hormones and transition till that is gone. I must be ready and know how I will act to bigots and hate. Now I will break bones > That is a not who I am and need to get controll of that first ior I will have to stay in limbo for ever.
What I have fugured out about Angela is I am very sweet and loving. I think selfless thoughts and love to serve others. I cook and clean, I`m going to do laundry after i post this, I am PTSA parrent and voluteer for everything at the school, my girls are really sweet and nice to everyone, (non judgemental), I work doing fiberglass repairs and surfboards, I make organic mostly vegan health foods and mix in some superfoods with all that. my meals are comfort foods . I hate healthy tasting crap. My cooking has cured my wifes depression for some reason. I guess impropper nutrition is the embalance that the psyciatrist gave her the pharmisuticals for. She doesnt need them anymore. My daughter Elaina became from a struggling student to top math of the school with this diet. My daughter Kayla is 5 and learning to surf very fast. people who teach have never seen anyone so young learn it so fast. Love and selflessness is the only way I will make it. I dont even give people prises to wor54k for > i tell them I think they are good people and will pay me what i deserve. I always get more money than I would ask for because my past costomers keep coming by giving me bennies and saying thankyou for helping thyem with there boat. they bring me boxes of stuff from the famers markets and costco,. Love and selflessnes has made me richer than I could have ever made myself with greed and education. I am happy but want to die, I think only someone like us can have both going on at the same moment.
Pm me if you find me interesting. I love to corrispond, joke, laugh through text, email or pm here. I am very smart but have a 3rd grade education? learning acidemically is very very hard for me. But I can build anything.
That is my nutshell. Not sure you care but if youdo let me know. lets talk. that is why we are jhere right. to not feel so alone. Aloha, Love you all. A
Angie,
