Well, not really I don't think. But the strangest thing has happened the last couple days and I wanted to share.

So I've struggled with GID for nearly my whole life. It's plagued me like every day of my life, some days more manageable than others. So seven years ago I started seeing a therapist, and it's been a long journey of education, experimentation, and self-acceptance to get where I am today.

Finally this week, after meeting with my third therapist in that seven year period (I moved to had to get a new one and have been seeing her for a few months) she confirmed to me my path in taking HRT and fully transitioning. I also went and saw my doctor, who declared me in good health and said he was ready whenever I was to prescribe HRT. I've gone through an incredible wide range of emotions over the last few months wrestling with my fears and dreams, weighing the pain that may come of my transition, and ultimately accepting myself as a trans woman.

I now have every reason to be ecstatic out of my mind for the doors are open and I can finally do that which I have begged God for my entire life.

This all came to a culmination a couple days ago (Monday) when the final hurdle was passed. And now, for the last two days I feel eerily calm. I mean, there's a feeling of excitement there, and a pretty strong dose of fear too, but then there's this very strong feeling of surrealism. I thought after the first day I'd be pushed forward more by my GID, but I'm sort of in this in-between state yet again today.

Transition will mean a lot for me, and brings with it a couple major potential sorrows in terms of relationships. It also will be a huge challenge on me physically and mentally I realize, as I'll need to learn many new things. Maybe I'm just stopping to ponder all this before I actually walk through the door? I dunno. It makes sense that I might pause and enjoy this moment of being fully aware, fully able to choose, knowing there's not a single road block holding me back. And yet I find myself in this calm state that requires me neither to move forward, nor to slide backward.

I do have one more thing to finish up before I start, and that's freezing my sperm. Which should be resolved in a couple weeks. But still, I don't think I've felt sortof "numb" like this before when it comes to transition. It's a strange development. I wonder how long this will last.

"I mean, there's a feeling of excitement there, and a pretty strong dose of fear too"

This is such a true statement. When I was diagnosed I was euphoric but then got scared to death at what I had to face ahead. Congratulations on being cured!

For as long as I can remember , life has controlled me. It seemed as though I had no choice in my destiny, but simply took what life threw at me. And now for the first time I have taken control. Now we control our life, our destiny. It is a life changing event. The feeling of euphoria and the calm you feel is the confidence you now have that you are in control of your own destiny It will last as long as you let it.

  Congratulations, Madelyn

  Love an hugs, Roxy

  Congratulations, Madelyn!!

You know, I have felt so good and calm since I started HRT. Sometimes I wonder if I still have GID. But then there have been moments when it is suggested I delay this or that or when I have doubt I will have the resources for SRS. At those times I can only describe my reaction as panic. Sometimes emotional collapse. I also remember how sad and depressed I was before. I hold onto that when it gets hard to remind myself that this is the right path. Really the only path forward.

Quote from: Madelyn on January 26, 2011, 08:44:58 AM
Finally this week, after meeting with my third therapist in that seven year period (I moved to had to get a new one and have been seeing her for a few months) she confirmed to me my path in taking HRT and fully transitioning. I also went and saw my doctor, who declared me in good health and said he was ready whenever I was to prescribe HRT. I've gone through an incredible wide range of emotions over the last few months wrestling with my fears and dreams, weighing the pain that may come of my transition, and ultimately accepting myself as a trans woman.

Congratulations!  It's always nice to see someone get to live as they really are - there's joy in that! 

Yes congratulations and wow 7 yrs 

It's just really strange because I haven't started any HRT, and yet I feel better. I don't know if it's just the mix of the fears of transition, plus the excitement of it, plus the surrealism of actually being at this moment.

But for two days now I haven't felt like I *had* to transition.

Every step, every moment up until this point I've been pushed by this horrible GID, and for two days now, standing at the gates about to cross over, the horrible feeling is gone. I don't want to go back, but I'm not being pushed through either. Maybe it's just a kind of brief recovery from the exhaustion of getting to this point. The last few months have meant a whole lot of tears, and internal struggles as I worked through some of my deepest issues.

Honestly I don't know. The "quiet" in my soul is nice for a change, though it in itself worries me a little I guess because it's new, but I don't feel it will be lasting.

It's very surreal and strange for me. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts and stop and smell the roses until I'm pushed on up the path.

Does anyone know what this feels like? Melody it sounds like you've experienced it a little (once on HRT). But I haven't taken any E yet!

It's a BIG step! And a great one at that!  I'm happy for you MADDIE!

Right after I came out to my wife I experienced something like that. I think it is the knowledge that you are taking positive steps that helps to alleviate the GID. I felt something of a high. It felt great. It didn't last forever. The only lasting thing that has helped is E. The surreal thing I have experienced too each step along the way. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and can't believe all the stuff I've done to get to this point. Accepting myself, coming out to my wife, then friends and family, seeing a therapist, getting on HRT etc. Each step has added a layer to the almost dreamlike quality.

I used to dream I was female and wake up disappointed. Now I dream I am transitioning and I wake up afraid that everything I have done up till now is a dream and somebody is going to take it away or I am going to wake up. But it is all real. The good and the bad, The good though is very good and only getting better.

Quote from: Melody Maia on January 26, 2011, 09:00:33 PM
Right after I came out to my wife I experienced something like that. I think it is the knowledge that you are taking positive steps that helps to alleviate the GID. I felt something of a high. It felt great. It didn't last forever.

That's really insightful Melody. Looking back I've experienced this before in a little different way when I first came out as well. For a short time actually after coming out I thought that maybe just my being able to be honest about it with my girlfriend (now wife) would alleviate GID to the point where I'd find a kind of balance in life.

I'm so glad you reminded me of this. I wonder if the same thing is going on right now, it makes perfect sense that it is.

Glad I could provide some insight. I would add that you shouldn't feel pressure to move forward right away. Taking a pause and a breath is a good thing. It IS a very difficult thing to do and the fact that you are taking a moment to consider that and what it means for you and loved ones indicates you are rational. Your transition will have it own unique ebb and flow.

One thing to consider is how you would feel if your doctor came to you and said you couldn't transition. He made a mistake and HRT is a bad idea and you will always be as you are. Does that thought distress you or could you take it or leave it?

Quote from: Melody Maia on January 27, 2011, 02:29:02 AMOne thing to consider is how you would feel if your doctor came to you and said you couldn't transition. He made a mistake and HRT is a bad idea and you will always be as you are. Does that thought distress you or could you take it or leave it?

Actually a similar idea to that is what helped me during therapy. I was in therapy because I have this strong push towards transition (have for years), and yet my fears hold me back a lot (I've come to see fear as a good thing as well because they help me slow down and move at a thoughtful pace.)

However, I came to the realization that if my therapist were to say, "this is all in your head, get over it, transition is the wrong path" I would really be devastated because I know nothing else that has worked or helped me except taking steps in transition. The same would be true with my doctor.

I would feel very discouraged.

Yay girl =) I think this is what you might call self acceptance. Accepting of your condition and accepting of your path. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have fear or worry though...those will still be elements off and on =) Along with the excitement

Congratz!!!! *hugs*

Yes, what Jerica said. It is up to you how to proceed, but I think you have your answer.

Congratulations and Good luck with a walk that will last a life time.