If it wasn't for 2 people that are very important to me,who help keep me going,i don't think i would have the strength to keep going.
It's not so much that life is worthless but for me is it worth it to keep fighting any more.

Quote from: SarahM777 on January 30, 2011, 07:27:32 PM
It's not so much that life is worthless but for me is it worth it to keep fighting any more.

That.  I struggle with being suicidal every day and have for years.  My two cats are what keeps me from giving in.

I would become extremely emotionally unstable I'd like to think I'd kill myself before I were retaken... but honestly I've already tried to do that before and I was too much of a coward then to jump. So I can't see myself begin any different now.

More likely I would sink into extremely vicious self destructive behaviors and probably fill my life with things to numb the pain and intentionally ruin my body.

if it became impossible to transition I'd probably end it right upon finding out. somehow. even knowing it'd hurt a lot of people in my family but it's hard enough taking it day by day now and I'm still trying to contact people, do whatever I'm told to hopefully soon be able to start T. i hate imagining something can happen to guarantee i won't be able to and I'll have to live not just the first 25 years as a lie but the next 60 years as well. no friggin way.

Quote from: Pinkfluff on January 29, 2011, 09:39:53 PM
I wouldn't accept "having" to do it. To me it's a matter of personal honor -- I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not, especially something so fundamental to a person.

Basically this, however I was always doing something that was worthwhile in my life, that led me to becoming a better person.  However, I would never accept staying as I once was.  A person who was never just content with the way things were, something was always missing.  With the knowledge that is around today I would make it an extreme obsession to change as fast as I could humanly possible could.

Kind regard
Sarah B

It depends. although it's painful, i still have to go on...because of my sisters outside.

It's encouraging to know that there is an antidote for the pain that i have, just that it's not permanent.

Quote from: jmaxley on January 30, 2011, 07:47:27 PM
That.  I struggle with being suicidal every day and have for years.  My two cats are what keeps me from giving in.

My puppy and kitten give me hope.

I've been doing very well lately with not dwelling in the present and having hopes for the future .

<3

It is a bit different for me.  I did not identify with either gender growing up.I was an outsider.  I had no idea I was a woman till I was 56. I am waiting to see if I get approved to transition. If not, I will live in stealth male mode. I would have to take lessons in man speak. I only know how to talk and think like a girl. If they reject me i will cry for months then be who I am. I am just me. That happens to be a woman but, the external stuff does not define me. I have thought and felt like a woman all my life without knowing it. Nobody and nothing can take that from me. I was born with it.

Yes I would feel it was worthless, truth be told I've lived the last 15 some odd years, minus the last two weeks after discovering and accepting my true self feeling worthless.

I know in my heart I want to transition, I want to be the girl I was always meant to be.

Don't think I've mentioned this on here, but have battled various health problems these last few years.. 'most of which' though not all has cleared since finding myself (amazing what extreme depression can do to a person's overall health)

Random numbness and tingling in my limbs mostly, a little weakness as well. Had a emg test a few months back, that ruled out ALS which was my single biggest fear, even more so than something like cancer.. but things like MS and diabetes are still a very real possibility.

My doctor honestly isn't sure at this point, he wanted me to give up my strict vegetarian diet of the last 18 months to see if it helped... but I refused because one I don't think it would make a difference and two I'm very passionate about animal rights and ultimately want to go full fledged vegan.

Make no mistake about it, while I've somehow avoided a suicide attempt up to this point, primarily because I know what it would do to my family and my dad already lost a brother to suicide back in 1985... if I was told I couldn't transition, due to a still mystery health condition.. something I don't envision happening, but can't rule it out... I will kill myself within a week or two.

Life wouldn't be worth living at that point and a person can only carry on for the sake of family and to a lesser extent friends for so long. It would break me honestly to be told I couldn't transition and any will to live would cease to exist.

I would be very unhappy if I cannot eventually live on the outside as I feel on the inside. But I cannot say my life would be worthless. I have a son, whom I love and enjoy. I have my work, in which I help people. I have their gratitude. I have the excitement of learning new things. I enjoy teaching and writing. I enjoy music. I have done these things in my pretend personna, so I have always felt incomplete and like something did not fit. I have felt stressed and lonely. And incomplete. But I cannot say my life has been or would be worthless. I feel very blessed in some ways, even as I also feel cheated or at least, left out. I have always felt committed to things bigger than my own experience or possessions, so even if I fail, even if I never become what I am fully, I have lived, and loved , and given and received. I have succeeded and failed, but I have lived. I know that I have lived in fear and hidden from my true nature, so it is hardly perfect. I need to grow. My metaphor for where I am now is a chrysalis struggling to become more than I have been. Trying to spread my wings.

The glass is both half empty and half full.

I am sad that there is so much pain for so many in being incomplete or just in the wrong body.

And I believe life is precious beyond what I or any other individual can have or experience. It can be agonizingly painful, but never worthless.

I wish I could help all trans people complete and be fully authentically alive whatever that means for each individual (including myself).

Goddess bless each and every one of us.

Kendall

a 61 year old child

Sounds like you have a lot going for you Kendall, wish I could say the same for myself. It's either get the okay to transition.. or jumping off The Golden Gate Bridge, simple as that in my case.

Going to choose to remain positive and tell myself that my still unknown health issues won't get in the way. 

I don't understand.
I would think if one truly felt worthless (not sure it's possible), one wouldn't be capable of making a major decision, and certainly not one as big as transitioning . I can understand unhappiness bordering on despair, but that's a long way from worthlessness. If one truly feels worthless I'm afraid the emotion is buried deep inside the core, and could very well survive any change no matter how drastic. 

Would it be horrible to say that I wouldn't think my life would be so horrible if this couldn't happen?
I do believe I'm here on this earth for a reason, so though I'd be pretty sad, life would still go on

Guess it depends on the individual person.

Maybe worthless isn't the right way to put it, unhappiness bordering on despair would actually be a good way to put it gail.

Do I think I could carry on for long if I were told this couldn't happen? Don't think I would be able to.

I was severely severely depressed for a good 15 or 16 years straight. I don't exaggerate in the least when I say that during that time span, I was lucky to be happy for longer than a day and a half at any given time. 

The rest of the time was depressed to the point of being suicidal and could never completely figure out why that was.

Upon finally realizing why I was so unhappy and solving the gender riddle that has plagued me my entire life.. with the exception of a couple fleeting moments of unhappiness lasting no longer than half an hour or so at a time (mostly just because of how long this process is going to take and wishing it would move quicker) I've been quite giddy these past few weeks and want this more than anything.

If it were taking away from me, I just know the results wouldn't be pretty.

Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to handle the alternative, but to think I would have to spend the rest of my life in the wrong body, unable to ever be my true self.. well it kinda makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Thankfully odds are good that I'll be a go, once I convince my therapist that I'm ready and that the doctor won't find anything to get in the way...