Yesterday a really cute girl just blindsided me when I was walking to class.  I'd seen her around before, but I've been so introverted lately I haven't reached out and made new friends like I usually enjoy doing.  She introduced herself and told me she though I looked interesting.  I told her she had no idea, but that her spider sense was definitely on track.  So we went to get coffee after class.

I knew she was attracted to me from the start, and I knew I was attracted to her too.  I just lost my last girlfriend, who is still one of my best friends, because she needed a man who is comfortable in his mascuilinity as her partner.  Not wanting to go through that kind of heartache again, I figured I'd tell her everything about myself.  I just don't keep secrets anymore.

Oddly enough, she found everything to be absoloutely fascinating.  In fact, by the end of the night, we were closer and more comfortable with eachother than either of us had expected.  It was very nice, since it was just the night before that I'd been lying in bed thinking about how lonely I was (I have brilliant luck, I guess.)

Anyways, I saw her again tonight.  Things got pretty steamy towards the end of the evening, and while I definitely feel attracted to her as a person (she has some very strong, unusually masculine traits that intrigue me, while still retaining a sense of feminine delicacy), I kept finding myself envious of her.  I couldn't express this to her verbally, really, it was just too hard.  I was priding myself on being totally honest with her all the way up to that point.

The point is, I kept having second thoughts about transition.  Then third thoughts, and fourth thoughts and so on...  I just kept mulling over it, kept tossing and turning mentally with uncertainty.  Until it just clicked.

I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.  I take pride in my ability to play the role of a good, honest, charming gentleman.  It's as simple as acting out exactly what I find most attractive in a male.

I almost want to stay male for the sake of both genders.  Good men just seem so rare...  but then again, I have several male friends who are wonderful people, and they aren't afflicted with internal conflict like I am.

Just my thoughts for the evening.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 03:25:59 AM
I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.  I take pride in my ability to play the role of a good, honest, charming gentleman.  It's as simple as acting out exactly what I find most attractive in a male.

I almost want to stay male for the sake of both genders.  Good men just seem so rare...  but then again, I have several male friends who are wonderful people, and they aren't afflicted with internal conflict like I am.

This is simply not possible. We can go down lists of personality attributes till we all die of old age and for every attribute we can find both a man and a woman that does it. When you boil all the personality aspects that are exhibited by atleast 1 man and 1 woman there is only 1 difference between men and women. Men identify themselves as men. Women identify themselves as women. Strip away the personality traits, strip away the body, just look at yourself as a blank piece of paper are you male or female? If you are male then you can be a good man. If you are female then you can only be a woman acting like a good man.

First determine are you man or woman?

Second determine what makes you happy? Shape your life and body to match that in a way that each trade off you make maximizes your happiness.

Finally Somewhere along your path you'll meet someone who wants you for who you are and likes the answers you gave to the first two questions. Be yourself then find the girl or guy you like that likes the real you.

i don't know what to say.  if you plan to stay [male for the sake of other people, including your special friend], it's obvious that you're not transsexual. 

Quote from: blairAnyways, I saw her again tonight.  Things got pretty steamy towards the end of the evening, and while I definitely feel attracted to her as a person (she has some very strong, unusually masculine traits that intrigue me, while still retaining a sense of feminine delicacy), I kept finding myself envious of her.  I couldn't express this to her verbally, really, it was just too hard.  I was priding myself on being totally honest with her all the way up to that point.

The point is, I kept having second thoughts about transition.  Then third thoughts, and fourth thoughts and so on...  I just kept mulling over it, kept tossing and turning mentally with uncertainty.  Until it just clicked.

I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.  I take pride in my ability to play the role of a good, honest, charming gentleman.  It's as simple as acting out exactly what I find most attractive in a male.

I almost want to stay male for the sake of both genders.  Good men just seem so rare...  but then again, I have several male friends who are wonderful people, and they aren't afflicted with internal conflict like I am

convicing words.  only you have the answer.

For me, back when I was still in denial about myself, I tried my absolute hardest to be male (I have a post about that somewhere on here) and I failed.  You know why?  Because I wasn't male.  I didn't have the instincts and I was a really bad fit for the role, not to mention extremely unhappy.  I was constantly envious of women and it would drive me to a point of social paralysis, where I couldn't be out around women while dressed like a man.  All I have to do is think back to those awful times to know that I have made a right decision in transitioning.  I still find myself attracted to women and it is beyond extremely frustrating that I feel so limited in my choices--not because I transitioned, but because I could never be the person they need.  Are you feeling this way?  Do you honestly feel you could actually do the male role?

If you don't feel like you absolutely have to transition, then don't.  It horribly expensive, very painful (emotionally and physically) and you may lose a lot of people in your life.  It's definitely not worth the trouble if you don't absolutely have to.

Melissa

Quote

to do a favor to women? Oh, please.

You don't sound TS to me at all. Sorry, but that's just the impression I get and I've known a few in my time, as well as being postop myself. The power dynamics inherent in many of your statements do not come across as female at all.

Do yourself a favour and skip the difficult bits. This isn't a game.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 03:25:59 AM...
I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.  I take pride in my ability to play the role of a good, honest, charming gentleman.  It's as simple as acting out exactly what I find most attractive in a male.
...

Interestingly my facade was based around exactly the same concept... What I thought a man and gentleman should be, and as it happens attributes I still like both in my partners and as it happens, in myself.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 03:25:59 AM...
I almost want to stay male for the sake of both genders.
...

A noble thought, but as you have probably rationalized already the question of which is of more value to you, the person near or the person you are? Or said another way is another's 'happiness' worth your 'sorrow'? That is however presuming one cannot find peace of mind and true happiness with the plumbing they were born with. Note that this is not to say just tolerance of their form but happiness.


I think that the most annoying thing about transsexualism is that there is no reprieve if left alone.

P.s.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 03:25:59 AM...
I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.
...

Please don't. People vary way to much to have one simple solution (your "good man" is not the same as mine, etc.) and frankly it isn't worth it anyway, I think.

---

Quote from: Stormy Weather on January 13, 2007, 06:22:30 AM...
The power dynamics inherent in many of your statements do not come across as female at all.
...

I can say the same about a few I know who are most certainly TS.  I attribute that to those new to transition still operating in a large part with their facade.

---

Quote from: Melissa on January 13, 2007, 04:24:29 AM
For me, back when I was still in denial about myself, I tried my absolute hardest to be male (I have a post about that somewhere on here) and I failed.  You know why?  Because I wasn't male.
...

As did I, however I managed a number of years more. Why? Different circumstances and events in my life. But that is my point, as we all know we are all different. At age 20 I could have stayed male without issue... and in fact, I did, and yet look at me now, lol.

---

But my major point is I strongly suspect I would have been reading that I "wasn't TS" a number of years ago. A lot of things have changed since then to be sure but it is still the same incarnation

Or said another way, please be careful when helping people make a rather life altering change... There should have been a lot of "hum, you don't seem like a girl to me, you better talk to your gender therapist"... I think anyway..


So my advice, no surprise, is to mention that seeing a gender therapist is probably a good idea...

Just my coppers on the subject in essence.

Love and Light and fuzzy bunny slippers and chocolate covered cherries

Quote from: Kimberly on January 13, 2007, 10:45:34 AM

Quote from: Melissa on January 13, 2007, 04:24:29 AM
For me, back when I was still in denial about myself, I tried my absolute hardest to be male (I have a post about that somewhere on here) and I failed.  You know why?  Because I wasn't male.
...

As did I, however I managed a number of years more. Why? Different circumstances and events in my life. But that is my point, as we all know we are all different. At age 20 I could have stayed male without issue... and in fact, I did, and yet look at me now, lol.

Right and I think we are only a couple of years apart in age.

Quote from: Kimberly on January 13, 2007, 10:45:34 AM
But my major point is I strongly suspect I would have been reading that I "wasn't TS" a number of years ago. A lot of things have changed since then to be sure but it is still the same incarnation

Or said another way, please be careful when helping people make a rather life altering change... There should have been a lot of "hum, you don't seem like a girl to me, you better talk to your gender therapist"... I think anyway..

I agree.  I amke it a general rule not to tell somebody what they are or not.  Ultimately it is up to that perosn to decide for themselves, because they are the ones who have to live with the consequences for their own actions.  As Kimberly said, if you are having doubts, I would also highly recommend seeing a gender therapist if nothing more than to help you sort out your thoughts.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on January 13, 2007, 11:22:35 AM
I amke it a general rule not to tell somebody what they are or not.

There's a difference between emphatically telling someone what they are and telling them what your impression is of them. After all, you can only go on someone's words here, right?

But then again, I seem to be one of the rare people here who never experienced any doubt about this at all, so perhaps I'm not much help to many others after all.

I never needed a therapist to tell me what I was. I also believe that self-discovery comes from acting on impulses. I have difficulty relating my own constant conviction and drive with other's internal conflicts and indecision, although that's not to say I don't have empathy.

To me, it's always been known to me what I was; well, as always as earliest memories go. Never a shred of doubt or compromise, focussed on the eventual goal, acting as one almost literally possessed...

Surely I'm not the only one?

Quote from: Stormy Weather on January 13, 2007, 06:22:30 AM
You don't sound TS to me at all. Sorry, but that's just the impression I get and I've known a few in my time, as well as being postop myself. The power dynamics inherent in many of your statements do not come across as female at all.

Do yourself a favour and skip the difficult bits. This isn't a game.

The fact that I'm hurt and insulted by this quote should be enough to prove it contrary.  I have had internal conflict and wanted to be a girl my entire life.  However, the only thing that causes me to doubt the path is getting into a relationship with another person, particularily a woman.  I have a lot of psychological apprehension.  I am attractive as a man, and I've gotten used to it.  I'm uneasy about going from being easily attractive and charming to being "suspicious" and most likely unnattractive until I can feminize my face with surgery.  My lips, hair and eyelashes are my pride and joy, but it ends there.  It takes more than that to pass physically.

Also, my female self (what I consider my true self) is not a girly girl.  I'm me, Blair.  That's it.  Maybe I've been tempered a tad by being next to a very masculine steward/guardian persona my whole life, but this is who I am.  I don't see why you would not consider me TS because I was being honest to the TS community about relating a period of internal conflict about this very painful, terrifying transition.

My willpower has always been a gift, but in this situation, it's something of a curse.  I realize I can't simply 'tough it out', that I have to do this.  But I'm just scared, forgive me.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 01:08:23 PM
The fact that I'm hurt and insulted by this quote should be enough to prove it contrary.

You can play the aggrieved card all you like. Hopefully, my post will act as a spur to action rather than a knock back...

This is how I was first treated at my clinic by Richard Green (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Green_%28sexologist%29); not with sympathy but with a challenge. In a sense, it was to prove to us that you are what you say you are.

Look. You have to understand that all we have in a forum such as this is the words you write. I've never met you, probably never will and all I have to go on is what you say and how you say it.

I've never met a TS who would say something about 'staying a man to do a favour to the other women in the world'... it's as simple as that and purely from my own personal perspective, I've never experienced a single moment of doubt or even the slightest possibility of a choice.

You also have to understand the important difference between someone saying what their impression is of a person and what they are.

No-one can define what you are except yourself. You don't need other's approval to transition, you just need to go ahead and do it.

I'm not an unkind person, others here will attest to that, but I also get (too) easily aggravated by others claiming that they're this or that they're that without taking the necessary steps to set things right.

I understand that you're scared, but face those fears for they are nothing but paper tigers.

Quote from: Stormy Weather on January 13, 2007, 12:51:39 PM

Quote from: Melissa on January 13, 2007, 11:22:35 AM
I amke it a general rule not to tell somebody what they are or not.

There's a difference between emphatically telling someone what they are and telling them what your impression is of them. After all, you can only go on someone's words here, right?

Yeah, well this rule is my rule and I only apply it to myself.

Quote from: Blair on January 13, 2007, 01:08:23 PM
However, the only thing that causes me to doubt the path is getting into a relationship with another person, particularily a woman.  I have a lot of psychological apprehension.  I am attractive as a man, and I've gotten used to it.  I'm uneasy about going from being easily attractive and charming to being "suspicious" and most likely unnattractive until I can feminize my face with surgery.  My lips, hair and eyelashes are my pride and joy, but it ends there.  It takes more than that to pass physically.

Ok, let's examine this.  What happens if you decide to not transition so you can be with this woman.  You fall madly in love and are happy.  Then a while later something happens and you 2 end up breaking up.  Are you any happier than you were before the relationship in regards to yourself?  I think in order to be happy with your life, you need to be happy with yourself first.  If you are not happy with yourself, I can almost guarantee this relationship will fail.  Answer this question honestly:  Would you rather stay a man and be in this relationship or be a woman and be in the same realtionship?  Hint: Personally, if somebody can't love me for who I truly am, there no point in having a relationship with them.

Melissa

If staying male is an option then by definition you're not gender dysphoric. The main defining characteristic of transsexualism is an inability to function as one's originally assigned sex and a strong identification with that of the opposite sex, no where in that is "wanting to be a girl" you are who you are. You can't change the mind but you can change the body and clearly your mind is presenting as male. Whether this is a facade hammered in by years of forcing yourself to be someone your not or not we can't be the judge of as we don't know you intimately.


Personally I have absolutely no clue how I come off gender wise, male language and conversation flow has always seemed alien to me however I picked up allot of language habbits from my father. I went FT three months after I came to terms and there was not a shred of doubt, I finally figured out how I could live a life that I wouldn't hate every moment of like I would have if I tried to live as male, I can't even imagine ever being a man, I could barely pull off being a plausible boy.


From what you have said it's clear that what you first need to establish is whether you truly are transsexual, it's not something to aspire to and I'd not wish it on anyone, if you are not transsexual count yourself lucky.

Let me just say when I first came here, I knew I was "transgendered" based on my limited research, however I really didn't know much about specifics and what made groups different.  I eventually came to the conclusion that the feelings I felt made me transsexual.  I still had my lingering doubts about whether transition was right for me at the time.  I mean I was doing ok as a guy or at least I thought I was at the time.  I felt like I wanted to be a girl and that feeling was intense, if not overwhelming and there was no logical explanation for why I felt that way, other than the obvious conclusion.  It was reflecting back on my life that made me realize I was truly unhappy about how I was living and I really was only "getting by" rather than actually living.

The thing that stormy mentions about taking action is an important one.  I did make a therapist appointment within a month and I aggressively started transitioning after that.  Part of it was that I was fully aware of everything and I really was not able to function at all.  Now I mentioned lingering doubts and later I realized it was because I was still coming to terms with who I was.  Many of the people here on Susans helped and I never expressed my doubts at the time because I was always afraid people would attack me and tell me I wasn't TS when in fact I knew I was.  It would have caused me a lot of hurt and added even more to the confusion at the time, so I can kind of see where Blair is coming from.

I would never have done it for a woman I loved, nor my children or anyone else.  I knew I was a horrible and bitter person (from hiding)--an empty shell if you will--and I knew being true to myself was the only way to resolve that.  I remember at the time, I felt like I would end up the ugliest woman in the world and live a life of exile, but you know, I pass well and my life is fuller than it ever was before.  I think I have sufficiently outlined a lot of the conclusion I came to above already, but I am hoping that Blair is like I was and only in a state of confusion.

Melissa

This is a dangerous game to play, Blair.

I am not impressed,
Bri

Now I'm just even more confused by some of you.  I haven't seen a therapist yet, but I will in a few weeks when I come up on her schedule.  I know I'm TS, and the ONLY reason I even made this post was to see if anyone had ever felt the same way.  I'm just trying to reach out here, and I'm really curious as to why people are interpreting it so negatively.

I just spent all day today with one of my girlfriends shopping for an outfit, plucking my eyebrows and figuring out what sort of makeup to use for my skin.  This week I'm going to get my hair cut the way I like it, and the next step after that is saving up for electrolysis and the name change.  I am not playing a game, and maybe Stormy and Bri completely misunderstand me.

Here's a translation of my original post, since I guess I was being too cryptic or vague:

"The only reason I'd ever consider being a man is because I think there are so few good, kind, gentlemen there are in the world, and because I've had so much practice forcing myself into that role, it seems a shame to throw a perfectly good person away.  However, I have to.  It's kind of sad.  I am looking forward to developing the self I've always wanted to be, though.  Just idle musings."

His name is Miles, and I'm Blair.  I've always considered them to be twins.  Unlike many of the people here, I really like the man part of myself, because I've strained so hard to make him a good person.  He's very likeable, and I don't think I'll ever forget him.  He's the kind of man I want to meet for myself someday.

I know that when I fully transition, that the protagonists in my writing will more often be classy, goodly, honest men, and angry, bitter, tortured women less.  Does that make sense to anyone?

I'm wearing my new outfit right now, along with a corset and my breast forms.  I feel great!  It's been a while since I've let myself do this, and I've vowed to do it every saturday until I feel more comfortable doing it full-time.  I think I'll switch over when I transfer to a new university next semester.  I'm not "playing a game" with anyone.  I'm just trying to talk and relate...

Our struggles aren't all identical.  My male persona is a really great fictional character, but it's been a struggle my whole life to create and maintain it.  He'll make a great conscience.  He just has sentimental value to me, you know?  Like a brother.  He has kept me safe all my life, after all.  I live in a very conservative area.

The answer the others are saying is that they  couldnt, because it would be impossible. Like trying to turn a female gender with a female body into a male. No woman (female gender) with a female body would ever choose to become a male. Only if that female body had a male gender. I am not transsexual, but I agree with the transsexuals, in that if for any reason you second guess transitioning, you absolutely shouldnt. Its something you must do, no matter what. For any reason but financial, age (if too young),  or health reasons. Even then, you should transition as much as you can.

I am Androgyne. I know I am not transsexual for one reason, because I have at least one reason why I wouldnt SRS. And it has nothing to with the stated reasons of finances, I am not a minor, and I dont have any impeding health reasons. Thats all it takes is one, and I am not TS.

Blair,

You are what you are.  And I think what people are trying to tell you is that if they can talk you out of being TS, you aren't.

Best of Luck,
Kristi

Quote from: Ken/Kendra on January 13, 2007, 08:27:37 PM...
I am not transsexual, but I agree with the transsexuals, in that if for any reason you second guess transitioning, you absolutely shouldnt. Its something you must do, no matter what. For any reason but financial, age (if too young),  or health reasons. Even then, you should transition as much as you can.
...

Oie! All that means is a TS should not transition until they BREAK.
Heh great fun.
Although granted, one is most assuredly sure by then.

My frame of mind is a tad different, albeit I did break and would rather not have. ^*shrug* I don't know, I suppose as long as we find happiness eventually it is all right in the end? Still, I would rather people save themselves the number of years living in their own personal hell before they can no longer stand it and either break or die.

^*shrug* Lives are different. They are, in fact, really good at that.

Would pretending for this or any other cute girl help the girl in the end? Ask other couples that have  transitioned after years of marraige. I am no expert there, many I read turn out really really bad. If your transsexual, when you transition (if you know now and she dont know), chances are you will have lied to her.

Now, if you are truely attracted in a lesbian manner, your intention to transition you must make known. And if it be her orientation also, then all is good. I know of several lesbian couples with one transitioned, and one GG. Better that a relationship, especially if it is has passion, have honesty in the beginning. I guess one is entitled to make as many mistakes as others have. Some didnt know about there TS till later in life. If you know it now, your sorta obligated and responsible now.