Had two mental breakdowns today. One in the shower. Another about 30-45 minutes ago.

Still slightly crying, which I don't do often.

Couldn't cut myself because I couldn't find the stuff I usually cut with.

Couldn't burn myself because I couldn't find a lighter or anything.

So I sulked, and am sulking, in my own misery.

GID is awful.

You know what's worse? Getting this told to me: "But you're so pretty. Why do you want to be a boy?"

I'd rather be an ugly guy than a pretty girl.

Also, this girl online saw what I posted on another website during my second breakdown but I didn't mention GID or dysphoria and she asked if I wanted to talk about it. She was supposed to be logging off and I said goodnight but she read what I posted and asked if I wanted to talk about it. But I said no because she doesn't know about my trans-status.

I hate it. The one person that offers to listen and I don't want to say anything because she's the only one who honestly thinks of me as a boy. She's the only one I had added that doesn't know.

I don't have to explain that I like girls to her. I don't have to explain that I'm a boy on the inside. I don't have explain that I'm not a lesbian.

I told her no thank you and that I'm fine, but she insisted, saying that "I'm fine" is the biggest lie but respects if I don't want to talk and hopes I feel better.

Why can't my friends that know be like that?

Hell, I only know her online and she's nicer and cares more about me than they do. But I bet if I told her why I was depressed, she wouldn't care anymore. Or she'd treat me differently. Or misunderstand.

My friends say they care but don't even have the courtesy to say "he" or "Devyn". I hate it so much.

Damn it. I really need to tell my mom face-to-face. At least she would want me to explain it and I could explain how much it hurts, unlike other people who just dismiss it as a choice no matter how much it hurts me.

Hang in Devyn,

We are here for you. We know you are a guy. We accept you as a guy. I love you as my brother. All of these horrible times do pass, but we have to keep ourselves going so that they can pass. My parents could never accept that I was female, I was their only, loved, wanted son. I was the person who would continue their name. So being female wasn't possible. Obviously it didn't work out that way
It took a while, I laid my plans, I followed my plans and became who I was born to be.

You will as well my friend. You will as well.

You will go to the hotel and the barkeep will ask "Yes Sir, What can I get you?" You will have friends calling you 'dude'. You will have a deep voice and and a hairy chin (if you want one), but at least you will know the chore of shaving the face. You will have top surgery and get rid of the tumours (wish we could transplant each others bits ).

It will take time, but one of the things about this journey is that we get stronger. We only get weaker if we let the bastards get to us. If we face the challenges, the bad comments, the failure to use pronouns; we get stronger.  Every time someone says to you that you are 'such a pretty girl' YOU say to yourself, at least, no I'm not I'm a really good looking guy.
Every set back should be used to strengthen you. Every insult strengthens your spirit. Every unfeeling comment allows you to be more of a man.

Your family is always here for you.

Your sisters, your brothers and your Mums and Dads. I think at my age I might more Mum than Sis

So if you ever need to talk to a Mum, I'm here.

Be strong my son, life is tough for guys, that's what makes them strong.

Cindy