Today was two more firsts for me. Going out shopping to Kohl's and the mall in girl mode, and then after a few hours of shopping (and Starbucks) using the women's restroom in Macy's.
First the shopping (!!!)
I met Jerica this afternoon after spending a good 2 hours getting ready. I did my hair pretty nicely, and really tried to do my makeup well too. I had a laser treatment yesterday on my face so it's still a little puffy and you can see some of the dark shadow on my upper lip, but I got it covered as best as I could.
I wore a brown sweater with black belt, a denim skirt, black tights, and some black flats. I wanted to look nice but not too overdressed. I also wore some forms so that my chest looked a little more natural under the sweater. With that I was out!
I met Jerica in the parking lot of Kohl's and we went in together. I was super nervous!! But I quickly discovered that nobody was paying attention to me at all. We cruised the clearance racks and Jerica pointed out new things for me to try. Before I knew it I had a stack of items to try on and headed to the dressing room.
No troubles there either. The attendant took my items that I didn't want (I picked out a couple things that I liked) and I was back to browsing again.
It was so nice to be able to browse and actually try things on for a change! I'm so used to having to buy all my items online and taking a "risk" with each online purchase that it won't fit or something and then have to pay for return shipping. This was great, we could pick out a whole stack of things to try and then I could put them on right then and there. I was able to experiment with styles I'd never consider buying online. It was wonderful. I paid in cash so that nobody would ask for my ID.
Jerica said that one of the people behind the counter commented on my sweater and said she really liked it but I missed it I guess (nervous maybe?). But I think either she or another person commented on my sweater again later and I responded and said "thank you!" in my high voice. I could hardly believe I was talking to people!
After Kohl's, we headed to the mall. Stopping at Jamba Juice to get a quick drink. The girl took my order and said "your name?" I hesitated for a minute and said, "uh, Madelyn". Luckily I stayed in my higher voice! It was strange though to give my name, and I almost embarrassed myself!
We next browsed JC Penney, and the experience was the same. At check out the lady behind the counter said "hi ladies" and asked another associate, "will you help her please?" asking her to help me check out while she took care of Jerica.
We stopped for a Starbucks drink and chatted a while, and decided we should probably head home, but before we headed out we stopped at Macy's to use the restroom - the women's restroom. It too of course was a complete non-event.
The whole day was just awesome. It felt nice; natural. I mean, it was a little surreal for me, but still felt surprisingly natural. I was surprised I didn't actually find it hard to stay in my higher voice (I've been practicing a few months), and after a while I wasn't quite as nervous. It was so much simpler than I had feared it would be, and people didn't even really notice me despite my 5'10" frame, broad shoulders, forehead, and little shadow on my upper lip (etc etc etc I could list out a thousand flaws). In the end - I passed.
This day made me think of a couple things I'd like to share. First off, I can't believe how many years I spent in utter panic over the idea I'd ever be able to go out and shop for girl clothes in girl mode. Years wasted. It went more smoothly than I ever imagined it would. I continue to be amazed at how the world doesn't actually revolve around me (despite the voice in my head telling me that everyone in the store would turn and stare and ridicule me). To my amazement people just go about their daily lives, and many are even friendly. It was a wonderful reminder of how silly my fears can be.
Secondly, it meant so much to have a friend who would take me out and show me the ropes. Jerica, you did a wonderful thing today by being by my side as I did this. Thank you times a thousand! I'm reminded through you how much an impact one person and their generosity in helping another person can mean, and it inspires me. For anyone reading this, if you have anxiety about going out I hope you're able to find someone who is willing to help you take that first step. I am certainly fortunate to have had this amazing and confident woman with me this afternoon. It made all the difference, and I will never forget it.
Ending my day (and this post) with so much gratitude for two new firsts that went perfectly.
