Hi--hoping those of you who are on T can help me with this--I am a female SO of someone who is transitioning, ftm, and has been on T for about three weeks. Recently s/he has been emotionally unavailable, distant, if not downright clueless in ways that seem very uncharacteristic (we have been together for 13 years). I am freaking out because I am worried this is related to the T, and if this is a window into our future, I am not sure I can handle it. S/he doesn't seem to care about me at all, on an intimate and emotional level, and when I try to talk about it, s/he thinks I am nuts and everything is 'fine.' It sounds like such a cliche about what women say about men that I can't even believe I am writing this down. Does this ring true for anyone out there? If this is a possible side-effect of T, does it change eventually? I suspect this post will probably piss some guys off, but that's fine-- I really am interested in what you have to say. So please write in even if you have an issue with me and this query--. (PS, my partner is still using the female pronoun with me and our son). BTW, Thx to Rob who responded on the SO list. Thanks, Helios

Okay uh well if she is usually female pronouns I'll say she. I went through a week or so where I needed time to think and because of that I was more distant. It wasn't incredibly obvious so.... I'm not sure I can say that is what she is going through. I did say everything was fine because it was. Really everyone got on my back and harassed me about my need for time to think which made things less fine The problem was that not only was it my mom (I'm not with anyone so I use her as my closest example) asking me if I was okay but so was every friend I had and anyone close enough to notice a shift into quiet thinking time which meant lots of "are you okays" which I'm sure you can understand would get annoying after being asked it a million times.

It lasted about a week for me. Now no one can ever get me to shut up or stop being clingy just kidding but point being I went back to my old self. That's just me. Hope it helps

For me personally the only time I noticed a change in my mood was when my drop off occured. When I first started T I took my shot once every 14 days. Around the 10-11 day mark I felt like crap, I would get irritated about everything. I hated it. I talked to my doctor and got my shot moved to once every 10 days and it hasn't heppened since. I've been on T for 16 months now, and I've went 20 days without a shot and no mood change, so I think the drop off eventually goes away or something. I had a buddy whose moods changed like crazy when he started T. he ended up getting his dosage lowered a little bit and was fine. So maybe have him get his dosage checked or the amount of time between his shots. Also, talk to him about the pronouns. I would guess that being referred to with female pronous probably gets to him more than what he is letting you believe, which can affect someones mood a lot!

Hi Helios,

It's only been 3 weeks, so remember that this change alone is huge for your partner. Transitioning can be self-absorbing. I would guess it's more about transitioning and less about the actual side effects from the hormones. I did think for awhile that I couldn't feel as strongly about things as I did pre-T. But at less than 2 years on T, something has just shown me that I can feel as strongly as I ever did (or perhaps even more). I think perhaps I just needed time to adjust. The only real difference now is that it is a lot harder to cry. That doesn't mean I don't feel the same emotions as strongly as when estrogen permitted me tears. I'm just dry.
Give your partner time.

I didn't change (emotionally) when I started T with a couple of notable exceptions. I'm less anxious and less self conscious.

I don't think it is a side effect of T; "masculine" expression of emotion is socially conditioned.

You guys are the best--thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I am trying my hardest to be supportive and do think I am doing a pretty good job most of the time. I can only imagine how hard this is for my partner to be doing while maintaining a relationship with me and our son. My partner seems to feel elated with the changes, which is great. (Actually i think they are rather hot too, most of the time!). But Lance is right (thanks)--my partner's emotional distance is really messing with my self-esteem, and when I am feeling weak I go to the worse case scenario. I am doing my best to take of myself on this front and not expect my partner to, since that's the last thing she needs is a clingy partner right now. But although I am a real toughie most of the time, this has been very hard. In fact it's the hardest part of the transition for me--and it's the part that I knew the least about once we started.

Jet3, of course I have asked my partner which name/pronoun she wants me to use, but it is most definitely her choice to stick with the female for now. And I don't want to mess with 'her' complex process by second guessing her. I do check in with her regularly about it though, since things can change pretty quickly. I think in this situation she's wanting for now to take a gender queer route, and the male pronoun seems I think almost too scary right now, because despite the fact that she's really into the masculinity (as am I), the male pronoun somehow seems too....definitive? Personally I think this will change, and in fact we've talked about new names. But she's just not there yet. This whole process, from top surgery to T, has unfolded very quickly--a few months, and though she had wanted to do top surgery for a long time, she never saw that as 'transitioning'. In fact she still doesn't use the word 'transition' since it signifies a move to a stable gender on the other side, which she is not so interested in right now. Instead she uses the word 'trannifying,' since the in-between category of the ->-bleeped-<- is more attractive to her than the category of 'male.' But she's totally into the male, as I mentioned, so I do think this will change. I read somewhere that for some ftms, there is almost a series of stages: from genderqueer to ->-bleeped-<- to transman. I don't know if this is the case here, but it may be. And if she's not at the 'transman' phase yet, despite surgery and T, then you can see how the use of a male pronoun would potentially mess with the pace of her own process, which she needs to be in charge of for obvious reasons, not me (though I can signal my support, which I have).

Thanks, Lance. You're the best. H.