"If a man has a bad day, he will keep it to himself.
But if a woman has a bad day, all the hell breaks loose."

Do you know what I mean? I'm just tired of women and their constant "if I feel bad today, you have to feel bad too" otherwise, you either
a) don't care
b) you're happy she's feeling bad.

Now, this is long...
There's a girl who has become so emotionally dependant of me I'm becoming sick of her. She just can't take a day without seeing me, if I'm not talking to her everyday she gets mad. She has quite some money so she is constantly giving me expensive gifts to show her "love", but I feel like I'm being purchased. This girl has some serious depressive problems, she had some problems in her life and now she just cant be alone a single hour. If she's having a bad day (common reasons: lipstick broke, had a bad dream, the meal got burned, there wasn't any milk left in the store, etc) she will cry as if the world would be ending, every minute. Day after day, she's just always saying things such as "I'm ugly" "I look fat" "I'm not cute", I usually tell her "you're beautiful, thin and cute" which is true, but really, I don't know if it's false modesty or not but it's driving me crazy because if I forget a single time to reponse her because a)I'm just TIRED  b)I'm busy with other thing,  she will get mad at me and cry and throw things at me like if I just said "I slept with your best friend".
Now, she's not my girlfriend and anything about sex is a no-no for her. But we're quite nice friends...but I'm just getting tired.
For example, one day I arrived to her home and she opened the door with a "I'm about to suicide" face, spent crying all the day, not talking to me, avoiding to looking at me. Finally, I managed to know the reason: she had a dream of me being angry at her. F**CK, how can I be reponsible for HER dreams?! Or another time we were looking at contact lenses and I said "since you have such fair green eyes, you would look awesome in some dark brown lenses!" and she got really mad because "she thought her eyes were the only thing perfect on her and I was suggesting to change them so I don't like them and it was like asking her to have surgery on her eyes"
.the hell.
If I was two years ago I would have tell her the "->-bleeped-<- off" and walk away, but now it's too late, and we're working together too, so it's not like an option.
So I think we've reached some point where we just need a break but as I said, she's so emotionally dependant that whenever I say "tomorrow I may take the day alone to clean my home" or anything like that she would cry because "I'm trying to pushing her far away"
If I tell her things like "if you're constantly complaining about things going bad, things will only go worse" she just answers "ok, I'm not telling anything more to you" and won't say me a word in the entire day. I don't feel like if I'm the one who has to go and be "oh sorry for asking you to not making my day worst than it was..."
Sometimes I just wanna slap her face: wake up, here am I, I have cronic depression, I'm a recovering neet, I'm fighting to quit SI, I have WAY worse days than yours and yet I'm not making your life a hell.
I've suggested her a lot of times to get a therapist because she obiously has some mental problems, but she just won't listen. But then, I know that deep down she's a sweet and nice girl and I don't want things to end bad.

I have no experience with people, so I just don't know if it's normal or not, and need some serious advice on how to behave with this kind of situation...

Have you guys had similar problems with women? what did you did to fix it?

Man that doesn't sound like a woman thing. That sounds like an unstable person thing. Only way to handle that, that I know of, is help her get help or walk away :/ Seriously from my point of view reading this it sounds like you need to walk away to save your own sanity.

Quote from: Mr.Hyde on February 09, 2011, 08:23:39 AM
She just can't take a day without seeing me, if I'm not talking to her everyday she gets mad.
and now she just cant be alone a single hour.
Finally, I managed to know the reason: she had a dream of me being angry at her.
she's so emotionally dependant that whenever I say "tomorrow I may take the day alone to clean my home" or anything like that she would cry because "I'm trying to pushing her far away"
If I tell her things like "if you're constantly complaining about things going bad, things will only go worse" she just answers "ok, I'm not telling anything more to you" and won't say me a word in the entire day.

Those are all the warning signs I saw that something is not right. In my opinion that is not normal at all. My best female friend occasionally has a really bad day. Worst day she's ever had around me she called me crying and walked to my house for a few hours and that was because her ex was moving out of state not over some stupid lipstick. This girl sounds verbally abusive even though it doesn't sound like she's trying to be.

Sounds like she needs some serious therapy.  Personally, I wouldn't want to be around someone like this.  Like Andrew Scott said, you need some space for your own sanity.  Remember, you are not responsible for her emotions.

I feel sorry for this girl, but not as sorry as I feel for you. This woman is flat out crazy. She needs serious help, and you can't fix her.

Are you able to get another job? Because I know you don't want to be the bad guy, but it sounds to me like she's bringing it on herself. You have to get out of there before she drives you insane.

Yeah, that's not a 'woman thing', that's just an insecure and unstable person. I've seen it happen in men as well. You'll often find most things like this are an individual thing and relate little to gender.

That said, she needs therapy imo.

I agree with what other people are saying. This girl sounds like she really has problems. I know lots of girls that are very stable, and some guys who are not - so I don't think it's a girl thing.

This girl just sounds like she really needs help. There's other stuff going on with her I think.

That's exactly how my ex was. Only we had a sexual relationship and I was their first, so it added another layer of guilt trap. We had a lot of similar problems.

We had to be in constant communication. If I took a few minutes responding to a text, I would get lectured about ignoring her. She worked new years and we couldn't be together. She tried calling me at midnight. She couldn't get through since millions of other people were doing the same thing, It was my fault. If we couldn't be together, I was expected to be able to stop whatever I was doing and text or talk. Not just for minutes, but for hours.

My ex added my classes to her schedule. She knew I wouldn't break up if I had to sit next to her all semester. She would drop money by taking my classes, shower me with unwanted gifts, and then complain she had no money. She always wanted to go out so I was stuck paying for dates that I didn't even want to be on.

I wasn't allowed to have a bad day. Only she could ever be sad or upset, and I had to make it better. Every single problem of hers was monumental. Mine couldn't even be talked about, unless she deemed them worthy of her intervention. I had been escaping to my parent's house. I told her I didn't really want to be there.  I just had to for my parents. It worked for a while, and then she decided to intervene. She called them, lectured them about forcing me to be there. I had her love and that was supposed to make me so happy nothing else could matter.

I also had to constantly reassure her that I thought she was attractive. I was dragged along on a double date with her friends and she got upset because she thought her friend was flirting with me. Her friend flirting with me meant that I thought she wasn't attractive enough. She never even got mad at her friend, just me. She also got mad at me for something I did in her dreams. I wouldn't move with her when she had to relocate to find a job. This whole dream thing is crazy. My grandmother does this to my grandfather too. My mom has sort of done it to me. My mom's dreams are more about her seeing negative outcomes from decisions I've actually made in real life though. 

I wasn't allowed to do anything without her. If I went out without her she would show up uninvited. People like this will try to imprison you in the relationship. I wasn't allowed to have a life outside of her. She would try to make me feel guilty for wanting to do anything without her. Even after we broke up she was jealous that I was doing things without her.

You get guilt trapped in. There is really nothing you can do except end it.  You can't make her sane. I wish I had of broken up with my ex sooner. It's not wrong to put your own well being and sanity first.  After I broke up with her there was talk of suicide. They even posted a facebook picture where they looked like they had slit their wrists, they titled it as a Halloween costume idea. Their sister sent me a text saying if they killed themselves it would be my fault. The women in my family were constantly asking me what if and what I would do if they did. She had been contacting them trying to make them feel bad for her. Some of the obsessive things she did, they found endearing. Plus my mom thought if I stayed in the relationship,  I wouldn't continue to pursue medically transitioning.

Since we broke up my ex did start seeing a physiatrist. It's been 9 months. I think if they were, they would have done it by now. I don't think I should feel guilty if they do. It's not my fault they are mentally unstable. I may have triggered their down spiral. But what was I supposed to do, stay in a relationship I don't want to be in for the rest of my life? They still send me love letters and mementos as recently as a couple days ago. It's gotten better though. For a few months they used to send me logs with their every action dated and time stamped, along with in depth journals. Maybe ending ties with your girl will push her to get the mental helps she needs.

This is really hard. You are obviously a very careing and patient person, and a good listener and she has just latched on to you. Well done you, you can pat yourself on the back for being such a nice guy.

But you need to look after yourself as it is dragging you down. You can't be her punching bag all the time, something has to give. It is easy to feel guilty about this too. It is ok to say this is too hard. It sounds freaking hard, a lot of people would have quit way before you. You would have to be super man to put up with it like you have.

And it is unhealthy her level of attachement.

My advice is to set boundaries. Talk to her straight up - what if you said something along the lines of "I need some more space to myself. You are my friend and I care about you, I think you are great, but I am not the cause of your problems and I can't fix them. This does not mean I don't like you or am not your friend. I want to support you, but I need to be able to recharge to do this." But also emphasise when you will be available - like I can't deal with this now, but we can talk later tonight or tomorrow. And then that's it, walk away. Resist her emotional blackmail.

End of the day you are not responsible for her. You want to help, but you can't help if you are not so good yourself.  If she ended up hurting herself, that is not your fault. You can only do so much for someone, and it sounds like you have done a lot.

You have to be strong man. This is really hard. You're a good guy. Don't feel bad that you are finding it tough cause it is, and try not to feel like you are failing her by not being there. She will try to emotionally blackmail you as she does all along. This is so minipulative.

If she decides not to talk to you, sigh with relief and enjoy the peace!!! You deserve it.

Hugs!

Sounds as though she is co-dependent on you.  And by not taking your life back and letting her know that you do have other things to do.  By just being there for her you are enabling her.

Yes she need some consulting.  But it is not up to you to suggest it.

Quote from: Lachlann on February 09, 2011, 12:10:11 PM
Yeah, that's not a 'woman thing', that's just an insecure and unstable person. I've seen it happen in men as well. You'll often find most things like this are an individual thing and relate little to gender.

That said, she needs therapy imo.

What he said.

Quote from: Sharky on February 09, 2011, 03:03:18 PM
That's exactly how my ex was. Only we had a sexual relationship and I was their first, so it added another layer of guilt trap. We had a lot of similar problems.

We had to be in constant communication. If I took a few minutes responding to a text, I would get lectured about ignoring her.

If we couldn't be together, I was expected to be able to stop whatever I was doing and text or talk. Not just for minutes, but for hours.

My ex added my classes to her schedule. She knew I wouldn't break up if I had to sit next to her all semester. She would drop money by taking my classes, shower me with unwanted gifts, and then complain she had no money. She always wanted to go out so I was stuck paying for dates that I didn't even want to be on.

I wasn't allowed to have a bad day. Only she could ever be sad or upset, and I had to make it better. Every single problem of hers was monumental. Mine couldn't even be talked about, unless she deemed them worthy of her intervention.

I also had to constantly reassure her that I thought she was attractive. I was dragged along on a double date with her friends and she got upset because she thought her friend was flirting with me. Her friend flirting with me meant that I thought she wasn't attractive enough. She never even got mad at her friend, just me.

I wasn't allowed to do anything without her. She would try to make me feel guilty for wanting to do anything without her. Even after we broke up she was jealous that I was doing things without her.

I went ahead and just quoted the parts of your post that mirror MY exact same experience as well.  As you can see, a LOT of similarities.

In my opinion, co-dependent type relationships are just as bad as physically abusive ones.  I believe that relationships have the balance of autonomy and togetherness.  When that balance comes undone it's either time to end the relationship or seek personal counseling (not couples counseling....jeez, you're already hanging out everywhere else with this person and now you wanna go to counseling with them too?).

Bottom line, people like your ex, my ex, and the friend of the original poster need counseling because frankly all they're doing is taking advantage of others and manipulating them in order to feel in control their lives.

P.S. The part that I bolded in your post I did for a reason.  Not only would my ex get pissed off that she thought girls were flirting with me, but she thought I'd be flirting back (I wasn't).  She viewed EVERY WOMAN (single or not!) as a threat and all hell broke loose whenever I'd want to hang out with a girl that she felt threatened by.  I pretty much wasn't allowed to have a social life, but get this....one time we had an argument and I stormed off for a couple hours and while I was gone she went on the online virtual reality game SecondLife and had sex with a dude on there.  Needless to say I was pissed.  If I can't even HARMLESSLY flirt with women, what made her think she could go on a realistic looking virtual reality game and have sex with a total stranger?  Whatever.  I guess she wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

Sometimes people are just SO beyond insecure that controlling and manipulating others is the only way they can live their daily lives.  It's still no excuse though.

I've been in this situation, except I was the crazy codependent person.  Insecurity in oneself is definitely what causes that behavior.  I know now that the root of the problem was that I was trans and couldn't accept it at the time.  Aside from that, my parents had just gotten divorced and a lot of my life was in turmoil.  My friend was very patient and understanding, but eventually tried to tell me that I was suffocating him, and that he couldn't take me dumping all of my emotional baggage on him.  He tried again and again to encourage me to get real help from a therapist, or at least talk to some of my other friends sometimes.  I wasn't willing/able to listen though and he stopped talking to me entirely.

Looking back on it and realizing how I treated him makes me feel like such an idiot.  I've thought about trying to talk to him again and set things right, but I sort of feel guilty for missing him, and I don't think he's going to want anything to do with me ever again.  Sucks, but life goes on.

Anyway... Yes, encourage her to see a therapist.  But realize that sometimes the best way to show someone the right path in life is to remove yourself from theirs.  You do not owe her anything and if she can't change the best option may be for you to leave.

What this person is doing to you is emotional abuse.

Run, do not walk, away.

"...back away slowly from the crazy chick, and no one gets hurt..."

I had a friend, a guy, who behaved very similarly.  I had to be available at all times to talk to him, and if I wasn't, I must hate him and that made him want to kill himself.  If I wanted to spend time with my other friends, he had to be there, or, of course, I hated him.  If I didn't have time to talk to him on the phone or text for hours, I must be mad at him.  If I didn't want to go out with him it was because he was ugly and I hated him.  If I wanted to spend time alone I hated him.  It was very emotionally draining, and I had to end communication with him for my sanity. 

I really tried to help him with his insecurities, and I didn't want to have to end things, but I just got to the point where I couldn't take it any more.  I couldn't live being responsible for his life and mental health as well as my own.  He needed a therapist, and I'd say that's probably not a bad idea for your friend either.

Thank you very much, guys (and girls) for your replies, and for telling me your personal experiences. m (_ _) m

I'm relieved to see that it's not a common thing about women theirselves... I was quite scared because I haven't had a lot of communication with women and I must be unlucky because the few of them I managed to know were this kind of woman.
I'm going to try find her a therapist. I love her so much, and she helped me to cope with my problems, so I want to help her. Plus she doesn't have any other friends so I really don't want to leave her alone.
I'm going to try my best to make her realize she needs professional help and get it. I may end having to say goodbye, but that will be when she had progressed. Everyone deserves a second chance I guess. Hope she doesn't let it go.

I'd recommend trying to help her make more friends too.  Then she'll at least have someone to talk to/hang out with besides you.