So the first two weeks or so after finding self acceptance I was on cloud nine, had my first therapy session and my overwhelming depression I've dealt with nearly my entire life was just swept away.

All good things must come to an end... These last few days I've been going back and forth in my head about whether I'm a strong enough person to go through with this. I know in my heart it's what I want and I also know I'm going to be miserable if I don't go through with a full transition.

Having said that just as long as I've been depressed, I've also lacked self esteem and any sense of pride in myself... I've more or less hated myself and certain things about me, things that go even beyond the trans issue. The fact that I'm of above average intelligence, but can't get motivated for the life of me.

The fact that I'm still a virgin at 31 (the trans issue might play a role in that one, just never really felt comfortable with the whole sex thing... at least without love and well love never came for me) Still if your a virgin at 31, chances are your a loser regardless of the reasoning behind it.

The fact of the matter is that I've always been my own worst enemy. Was so confident after accepting who I am, that for those initial two weeks I told the friends and family I've confided in so far, that I for the first time in my life, I felt that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and that any challenges that I came across in terms of the transition or anything else I could beat.

Ha that sure lasted a long time. My dysphoria was really bad at work today, almost emotionally broke down a few times due to overwhelming sadness about presenting as a male. I hate having to play a role, which is what I'm doing as a male. Just not certain I have the strength to carry this process through to completion and it hurts. I guess when push comes to shove, I'm just a physically and more importantly emotionally and mentally weak person.

Story of my life I suppose, haven't ever accomplished anything, likely never will accomplish anything. Miserable until the day I mercifully die.

Quick edit:

Have another therapy session on this coming Wednesday, hopefully that will help get my confidence back and things moving forward.

Kudos to those of you who have been able to put happiness ahead of any fears and doubt about being able to pull this off... it's truly an enormous undertaking with passing.. and job issues.. and family issues.. etc etc.

As I sit here crying uncontrollably, please know you are all infinitely stronger than what I am.

You pretty much described me and I would hazard to say many others here.  I don't feel strong myself. Just very fearful of living a life unfulfilled. Transition can feel overwhelming when taken as a whole, but it is accomplished in small steps. Therapy is one of the first. Continue to do that and see where it leads you. I have done things now that I would never have dreamed I would have the courage to do a few months ago. Each step lead to the next and if I didn't want to do something right away, I accepted that as just something I wasn't ready for yet. It is important to keep the faith, put your head down and keep on moving forward. I think you will surprise yourself with what you can accomplish.

Thank you Mel, you sure know how to make a girl feel better about things.

One step at a time..... need to keep telling myself that.

Hey Tiff,

No worries, I think most of us experienced the same thing at any given point in time. And like Mel said: take it one step at a time. I look at it from a journey-perspective. Like any trip or voyage, it's got great moments, but also moments of stress or boredom. And they are ok, they are part of the story. Just embrace every step along the way, because every step is one in the right direction. Nobody forces you, there is no right or wrong way, there is only your way.

When feeling down myself, I use this song as a source of inspiration:



Just love the lyrics and the story behind the video...

^Is that Nong Toom? I love her ^.^ I've always wanted to try out a martial art, she's inspired me to try muay thai.

that song is a nice pick-up =]

Hi Tiffany,  you are stronger than I am, I have not come out to anyone yet and I do not think I can right now but I know that when the dysphoria gets too bad then I will gladly tell everyone, i am just to scared to do that right now.
I nothiced you said "Story of my life I suppose, haven't ever accomplished anything, likely never will accomplish anything."
you also said "The fact that I'm of above average intelligence"
well that last statement tells me that you have accomplished a lot, it takes great effort to be above average intelligence, I think that you are full of emotion now and maybe you can't see all that you have accomplished.
I am envious that you accomplished coming out to your close friends and family, and if you still don't think you have accomplishments then you can always start now, each of the little steps as mentioned above will be an accomplishment in itself and then when you done with a bunch of these little steps you will say wow what an accomplishment!
Always remember you control what you do, so have fun, Live, Love, and be happy.
I hope this helped to lift your spirits to where they were before, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie

Tiffany:

It is a journey.  And sometimes it can seem overwhelming.  But realize that every journey is a series of steps.  Just concentrate on the very next thing you have to do.  You mentioned that you have a therapy session coming up.  Concentrate on what you want to discuss, what issues are bothering you.  I sometimes came in with a list, because I could get off track sometimes talking about some of the background in my life.  I have become such a chatterbox.

Also, realize that you have already taken the biggest, most difficult steps.  Coming out of denial, coming to accept yourself is really the most difficult part.  Recognizing who you really are is the thing that stops most people.  I was in denial until I was in my mid 50's.  Nothing happens until you take that first step.  And you have done that.  And you have started the process of coming out to friends and family is another big step.

You have accomplished so much!  Really, everything else is just simple steps if you think about it.  It just takes perseverance. You in a much better position now than you were just a few weeks ago.

It's hard to do this, trust me I know, but sometimes try to put it in perspective.

You are stronger than you know and braver than you believe. - Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear.

-Sandy

aww, hugs sweetie. You have taken the hardest step. Admitting who you are and what you need. We are here for you. Stay strong sister.

Quote from: tiffany_marie on February 11, 2011, 01:22:18 AM
Thank you Mel, you sure know how to make a girl feel better about things.

One step at a time..... need to keep telling myself that.

You are most welcome Tiffany. By the way, I love that name!

Quote from: tiffany_marie on February 10, 2011, 11:38:44 PM

The fact of the matter is that I've always been my own worst enemy. Was so confident after accepting who I am, that for those initial two weeks I told the friends and family I've confided in so far, that I for the first time in my life, I felt that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and that any challenges that I came across in terms of the transition or anything else I could beat.

Ha that sure lasted a long time. My dysphoria was really bad at work today, almost emotionally broke down a few times due to overwhelming sadness about presenting as a male. I hate having to play a role, which is what I'm doing as a male. Just not certain I have the strength to carry this process through to completion and it hurts. I guess when push comes to shove, I'm just a physically and more importantly emotionally and mentally weak person.

Sometimes, if we can separate the depression from the rest of us, we can get a different perspective.

You know what you need to do. You feel confident. Then comes the depression.

But the depression is something different. A self doubt. That voice inside that, when you reach a decision, tells you, you're not good enough, you'll fail again.

If you can accept that the depression is just a recurring pain, the objective is still there.

Now, this is just something to think about. A differnt perspective. You need to decide which of all the perspectives you have experienced is the more real.

We are stronger than we believe. Just remember, one day at a time.

Janet Lynn has a great quote of hers in her signature and is says:  "It does not take bravery to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender. - Janet"

Sure it takes strength but I feel like my dysphoria and all that stuff that comes with it is like a gun to my back. How strong do I have to be to keep moving forward.

It's a roller coaster ride for me, some self acceptance and joy one minute then fear doubt and not wanted to pick myself up again the next. Often several times a day. Just keep putting on foot in front of the other.

QuoteStill if your a virgin at 31, chances are your a loser regardless of the reasoning behind it.

You are not a loser. Comparing yourself to others makes you miserable.

QuoteMy dysphoria was really bad at work today, almost emotionally broke down a few times due to overwhelming sadness about presenting as a male. I hate having to play a role, which is what I'm doing as a male.

You might find that your stronger when you don't have to pretend your something your not. It sounds like your judging yourself as a male. I hate to tell you this but I'm a failure as a man because I'm not one. Would you be judging a female this harshly if she broke down and cried at work?

I went back a re-read all of your posts and you come across as a warm, caring, supportive and wonderful woman except when it comes to yourself. Give yourself a break. 

I hope your next appointment goes well.

Tiffany. Your post describes me almost exactly too. Actually, I was encouraged reading your posting this morning because lately I've been just feeling down; like I don't have the strength to do this. I just feel sort of down and numb.

I don't know what it is. But like you people see me as a smart person, and I've accomplished some things in life and done some cool things. But for the last year or two I've been lacking motivation, and it's gotten worse.

My dysphoria is there, and it pushes me forward. But over the last couple weeks even that hasn't been enough to keep me from feeling down, and like I didn't have the strength to move forward. The idea of sitting here, or moving "backwards" is really discouraging too. I just feel stuck I guess.

Early on in life I had horrible dysphria, but I also had a lot of energy and drive. It was me distracting myself from the dysphoria, but I still at least had some sort of drive pushing me forward. I feel like I'm losing that. Like I'm just stuck, without the strength to move forward, and depressed to move backward or sit where I am.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your feelings. It's good to know I'm not alone with these kinds of feelings and thoughts. This morning in particular they describe me well on so many levels. I don't know what exactly to do - but I hope I can make a change soon.

The feeling is common...the initial euphoria and relief at no longer hiding fades as the reality of what you need to do sets in. Transition is not easy, it is hard, it takes blood, sweat, tears and copious amounts of money and viewed from the start it looks like an unassailable cliff face...but you see even the sheerest of cliffs can be climbed...often 6' at a time. Certainly don't confuse your ability to transition with your need to transition...they are different and reading your posts I can see that you don't doubt the need.

Just breathe deep and remind yourself that in any endevour the hardest thing to do is deciding to actually do it...once you've made that decisionthe rest do tend to fall into place naturally.

And always remember, this is your journey not anyone elses, do it your way, at your pace to arrive at a place you feel comfortable with.

Virginity is not a measure of success or lack there of.
Having it doesn't make you a failure, nor does losing it.

My brother was 33 or 34 years old when he had his first "girlfriend" and had never been known to even socialize with girls before that time.
Today he's 38 and engaged and blissfully happy.
So what if it came late.

At 31 you're nowhere near too old to find that sort of happiness with another person that leads to a physical relationship.
Even if it's for the first time.

Emma.

Thank you so much for the Dido video. She as so much talent and her words really speak to me.

Sadly, the one you posted was blocked in the UK for some reason. But I managed to find the same video on YouTube which was fine.

I  hope you are strong enough.

It's hard, it's difficult, it's hurtful.....it's all kinds of hurt sometimes.

But on the other hand, it's amazing, it's revealing, it's glorious, it's REAL.

And there's nothing else like it.

*hugs*

Thank you everyone, feel a lot better about things today. I think I just hit a bump in the road those past few days, am well aware that there are going to be many more bumps along the way.

Ready to move on to the next step, hoping to remain positive and simply take things a step at a time.

Thanks again, any support... but especially support from those who can relate means a lot.

Quote from: Jerica on February 11, 2011, 03:18:11 PM
I  hope you are strong enough.

It's hard, it's difficult, it's hurtful.....it's all kinds of hurt sometimes.

But on the other hand, it's amazing, it's revealing, it's glorious, it's REAL.

And there's nothing else like it.

*hugs*

No way could I have said it better than Jerica did just above.  Rock this house, hon!  Great comment.

Yes, it's VERY difficult.  No doubt.  Honestly, I'm way overwhelmed by the whole transition thing.  Yet, here I am about half-way through.  Jerica's nearly half my age, but she start HRT about the same time as me.  Actually, she started HRT 2 weeks to the very day before I did.  You could say we both started HRT at the same time.  Look at her.   Look at me.   She's rockin'.  I'm stallin'  My fault!

In just a tad over a month, she will have SRS/GRS.  She'll be recovering by the time I FINALLY go full-time.  That's speaks volumes right there.  Years ago when I was young, I endured all manner of insane abuse from my adoptive folks, went through bootcamp in the U.S. Marine Corp, tackled the theories of relativity, quantum mechanics and very high math back in school, and THIS is WAY tougher than all of that COMBINED. 

All of us, and I do mean ALL of us, have a rough go of transitioning.  My point?

Like they all say here:   One step at a time.   One day at a time.  One thing at a time.  You can so do this!  

My best to you!

   Lacey

Quote from: tiffany_marie on February 10, 2011, 11:38:44 PM
So the first two weeks or so after finding self acceptance I was on cloud nine, had my first therapy session and my overwhelming depression I've dealt with nearly my entire life was just swept away.

All good things must come to an end...

It'll end and begin again and end.  Having this secret can cause deep deep shame and that shame can ultimately be the only emotion you are particularly comfortable with.  If you are comfortable with shame, your going to keep yourself there.  You're going to do things, maybe over eat, stay up late to sabotage the next day...maybe do crazier things that you don't feel rational doing but emotionally it's all you know. 

You don't have to worry about whether or not you have the strength to transition. You've already started!  Your first therapy appointment shows that you're not someone  who is stagnant.  You don't know what you're transitioning to, and it doesn't matter, but you need to look ahead and keep transitioning.  You need incredible amounts of patience.  You're like an overweight person who needs to eat healthy every day and only after a year does a body emerge that makes them feel good about themselves.  Most people stay fat. 

You have to take it slow and nourish the woman inside of you every day.  You'll need lots of support and must try to stay positive.  You are lazy but SHE is not.  Visualize she.  She is vivacious. She is strong. She is friendly. She can experience love.  She can do a lot that the person who grew up with shame can not do. Use her spirit..not yours.  Take it one day at a time, like an alcoholic or an over eater.

There are a few things you can do to be happier. 
1. Give yourself to others.  Tell people good things about themselves. Do things for other people. Thank people. Tell the people you love that you love them and appreciate them.   
2. Write down anything good that has ever happened and good things you've done.  Hold on to this list when you think about bad things.  It may be bigger than you think.
3. Excercise.  Just walk a little more than you want to try to get a little cardio going.  It'll chemically make you feel better. 

Try to up your therapy visits to a few times a week and don't make therapy just about getting drugs and surgery.  Make it about healing shame and self esteem and bad relationships.  Gender may have started as your only problem..but it's caused other ones.  Work on those.   You're not doing this for you..you're doing it for her.

Hi Tiffany-Marie,

It is a very nice name as someone else noted. As others have said the feelings you are going through are common. Very few of us are strong enough to just go out and do it. I know a few and yes they are strong people. Having doubts is also very common. How will work, family, friends, next door neighbour, the pet dog, etc deal with me. Surprisingly easily is the most common finding from people on the board. I'm not out full time but have recently found out that most of the people I work with are having bets about when I will go to work as Cindy.

My family in Australia didn't give a hoot, I've very rarely had any problems with people. I've got more friends than ever before in my life. both at home and overseas. I'm a love shopping, I'm not bothered at all by the shop people. I've been fitted for a bra while wearing falsies, in a normal bra shop.  Very few people seem to have problems. We expect them. We are embarrassed about them. We are afraid.  But in reality the fear is of our making.  Most people just don't give a damn. They are too bothered with their own problems.

Hugs
Cindy