I'm visiting Houston for the first time since I started RLE. My son has been great with the change. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed at all. He wanted me to visit him at lunch at school today and he wants me to go to his basketball game tomorrow. Basically, the ex freaked a little about both. She says she wants him to understand what problems that will cause for him in the future (ie. kids making fun of him). She says she doesn't want him to come back to us in the future angry that will let him do something he didn't understand would cause him pain down the line. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he is only 8. At this stage his friends just shrug when they see me and he knows that.

This makes me feel like I will never have normal relations with my son. Kids will never NOT be mean. I feel like I basically have the option of disappearing and everyone forgetting about me or just never visiting him here. Never seeing him play basketball or football, see him in a school play, cub scouts or school function. He is the reason I am still alive when all I wanted to do was drive off the road back this summer, and if must hide and not be his dad, I wonder if this life is worth it.

I just feel despondent right now and frankly the ex could give a crap about my feelings. I honestly don't think she cares if I live or die. She is more concerned with the psychological trauma it would cause our son. I don't know how much I can take.

I would be more worried about the psychological harm your ex wife would be doing to your son.  Take your son to play basketball or football, see him in a school play, cub scouts or school function.  Why?  Because he is your son and you will be showing him that you care by being there for him.  As you said he is only 8 and by being there for him you will showing him that it is all right to be different, regardless of what other people say.

Children learn from adults and if they grow up not liking or hating something, you can bet your bottom dollar some adult taught that child those traits.

So stay strong for your son and give him the right sense of values that a human should have and that is to accept that people for who they are.

Love and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Melody Maia on February 12, 2011, 01:27:39 AM
Basically, the ex freaked a little about both. She says she wants him to understand what problems that will cause for him in the future (ie. kids making fun of him). She says she doesn't want him to come back to us in the future angry that will let him do something he didn't understand would cause him pain down the line.

This makes me feel like I will never have normal relations with my son. Kids will never NOT be mean. I feel like I basically have the option of disappearing and everyone forgetting about me or just never visiting him here. Never seeing him play basketball or football, see him in a school play, cub scouts or school function. He is the reason I am still alive when all I wanted to do was drive off the road back this summer, and if must hide and not be his dad, I wonder if this life is worth it.

I just feel despondent right now and frankly the ex could give a crap about my feelings. I honestly don't think she cares if I live or die. She is more concerned with the psychological trauma it would cause our son. I don't know how much I can take.

You can take a lot more Melody.

But I am not sure it is your son that your ex wife is thinking of.  Honestly Children today are not the same as the ones we might remember.  Kids are way more excepting and open minded then adults are. For instance I have a very close friend Cori whom has 6 children and has transitioned. In fact she will be getting final surgery in 2 months and 2 weeks. Her Children are very happy they no longer call her dad, instead it's mom. They're Biological mother is called Mother. her kids range in age from 1.5 to 16 years old and no one picks on them.

Let me direct you to this link. I think you may get the picture more clearly if you read it and like I said. Most kids are totally happy with they're Trans- Parent.  It's more often then not. The ex that has an issue that can't be resolved.

http://www.transparentcy.org/Custody-References-TSChildren.htm


love hugs
Simone.

You son will have more problems in the future if your not in his life than anything your transition (or your ex-wife's anger and fear about it) can ever do.

I'm pretty sure your son will come back angry in the future if you just walk out of his life. Your son needs you, be strong and be there for him. Go, be at his games and all of the other things that you can get to because being there for him is what he will remember and care about.

Stay strong. Hugs.

Hell, unless you gave your son a name like   Diarrhoea Elbow Fart  he is going to cop a hard time from someone, for something, sometime.  Your is ex is being just like mine, except my son is trans also and in his 20's.

"he'll be right",  as we say here,
Sandra.

My thought entirely Hanni Irene.

Melody, in your position, I would go to the son's school and games. He is right. Your wife is wrong.

But by treating your RLE as something to be ashamed of or to hide, will cause him terrlime anxieties.

That is definitively a pretty big issue, but you arleady started, your son know about it, so just keep going! and NEVER leave him, that'd be unacceptable, he need you, and i'm convinced that you need him, even more in these hard time, i can understand how you feel though.. i have a 4 month son, i'm realy worried about how it will go with him if i start my transition, but stop worrying about everything and keep going! and dont let your ex hurt your son in any way

Quote from: Melody Maia on February 12, 2011, 01:27:39 AM
He is the reason I am still alive when all I wanted to do was drive off the road back this summer, and if must hide and not be his dad parent, I wonder if this life is worth it.

Melody, you must go on.  Look at the reason - in your own words. 

There is not a parent in here who would not lay down their life for their child or children - but there is a huge distinction between that and ceding their lives to meet someone else's needs. 
Your love for him lit a dark day, brought out the best in you and brought Melody out of the shadows. 

Your ex will probably always be bitter - you can not do anything about that but there is a lot you can do. 

Be sure Melody is there for her son at basketball or football games, see him in a school play, visit the teacher and be active in school functions.  Give him love and he will teach the others in his world that Melody is the loving, beautiful and vibrant lady we've come to know and love. 

Huge Hugs
Susan

The social and cultural responses to TG peeps are well documented, especially if you are at the 'visible' stage of being picked up as different... Melody

So angts from yourex- spouse at an early stage would not be unusual...

Though from your avatar you look like you'd probably pull off sports day ok, it depends to I guess if you attended yer kids previous PTA events as a very visible Dad, and how well your old self was known?

Also if you turn up as two Moms for one child, now that brings a twist of its own.

But I knew of a TG woman who played it well for some years it was hell, she ducked out...but in the end both her daughters prefered living with 'her' so moved in when they hit there later teens and could force the choice themselves...

If you're early in to the RLE stage too.... things  will be fluid and dynamic as you find yer way to cope sans family... so grim it can be till you find new pathways that work well for you....

This was a resource link I found on a trawl,

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Type=Program&id=6178&SubType=ResourceForFamily&SubId=62&Name=Gender and Sexuality Development Program&Subname=Resources for Parents - (CGSAEP)

Any family centric studies book might prove worth a read – but take some faith in the fact that many other families have had to deal with the difficult issues... your facing right now.

And many with work, kindness and understanding can and do make it through...

But this can take months and years to sort, not weeks and days...

Keep strong... and take care of yourself...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Melody}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I echo what the others here have said.  You are beautiful.  You are nothing to be ashamed of, either by yourself or your son.  Your ex has issues, that is clear.  They are HER issues.  Don't make them YOUR issues.  Walk proudly into those school events, with your head held high.  YOU are beautiful.  You are a very worthwhile person, and you have the RIGHT to be there.  You are his parent.  HE wants you there.  Nothing else matters.  I wonder why your ex thinks your being there would cause problems for your son?  You pass, hands-down.  No question.  Why would anyone think there was anything strange in your being there?  Why would there be comments?  I think your ex is projecting HER fears on her son, and THAT is where the damage will come from, NOT from you.  Be strong, dear.  This is a very messy road we're on, and there's no getting away from that.  So we must be strong, and carry on.  You have already shown how strong you are.  Don't ever doubt that.  Hugs to you, girl, you are doing well.

Melody,

As Simone said children are more accepting than adults. Your wife is not saying the truth. It is a biased and presumptuous thing to suggest. I have a 12 year old niece who is a cheerleader and a 16 year old nephew. They are wonderful with Roxy. We go mall shopping and have lots of fun.

Some school kids will find reason to pick on a child for any number of reasons. You don't have the right shoes. Your religion is weird. You have red hair. But your child is obviously blessed with loving parents, and obvious good looks. I am sure that sunny smile of his will keep him popular. Do not let your ex cast the shadows of doubt and aspersions into his sunny demeanor with her negative thinking. Stand tall be proud. Let her know your rights.

Taking an interest in your son's friends is good. Kids always like to feel important. This goes a long way with them.

I have three kids. They all have come to blame me for something. We won't always know what it is but we can only do our best each day to show love and support. Being an absent parent is not a good thing for any child. It leaves them to feel unwanted and unloved. Give the love you have freely and show that support.

Sorry this is hard.
Wishing you the best Melody.
Many Hugs.
Roxy & Patty

Thanks for the responses everyone. I was a fairly public person inthis community and pretty well known. I pass to the rest of the world, but probably not them right now. It has only been about 4 weeks since I left. The ex is worried my son will be teased later, but I am hardly showing up in my best party dress and heels. I too worry about the shame message we are sending my son. That we are saying that other peoples feelings about this are more important than ours.

Dear Melody,
Divorce and single parenting is difficult regardless of ANY situation....
You are obviously concerned with the well-being of your child. That is the issue.Please try not to be distracted by the bitterness of your ex. Yes,children can be cruel with teasing,but ultimitely it will be your presence and constant love that endures. You have been strong enough to get to this point.I feel certain that you can get through this situation.
With Many Hugs,
Suzi S.

Quote from: Melody Maia on February 12, 2011, 08:44:15 AMI too worry about the shame message we are sending my son. That we are saying that other peoples feelings about this are more important than ours.

It's worse than that, I'm afraid.  The message(s) would be:

"Melody is NOT okay."
"Personal integrity is NOT important."
"Other peoples' OPINIONS about you should determine your behavior."
"It's not important to be who you are."

THOSE are the messages your son would receive.  When I was attending an 11-week gender workshop last year, one of the evenings centered around friends and family.  We were each allowed to invite two people to attend with us.  My wife was NOT interested, so I invited my son.  He initially asked if I could refrain from dressing that evening.  I thought about it, and eventually answered him that if I did that, I would be violating my own integrity, and sending a message to BOTH of us that it's NOT okay for me to be who I am.  He did attend, I did dress, and it was okay.  Now, of course, he's a lot older (24) than your son, but the point being, it's a matter of integrity for you, and you've worked VERY hard to get where you are, and risked much.  To ask you to bow out of your son's life is beyond unfair.  I can't advise you on this, but in your place I would be seeking full custody just as soon as I had a job and a stable home to offer.

I should be clear, she is not asking me to bow out. She wants to make sure our son knows what this means and that he is ready for what the consequences are likely to be. Frankly I think she is very surprised that he wants me to go to all these things and wasn't prepared for that. Before I left he was indicating embarrassment and probably figured it would take time for him to get over it. I guess after seeing me and seeing that people take me for who I am he no longer feels that way. That part has been very gratifying for me.

The only thing your son faces, is the same thing many children do.  The ex who has custody brainwashes the child against the other parent.  She need to get some divorcing parent consulting.

We can see that he loves you, regardless of what she may say.

Melody, you CAN hold on.  You CAN be Melody, and you CAN be your son's dad.  I agree with Janet Lynn, your ex is placing a LOT more stress and shame on your son with her attitude than you are being yourself.  Don't let your ex- push your buttons.  (I know, it's very difficult.) The reasons you moved out were not 100% exclusive to being trans, it included a lot of personal differences.  Those haven't changed, and your spouse still refuses to get over the breakup, taking out her shame on your son and you.

Work to have a relationship with your son, as Melody.  Kids are a helluva lot smarter than parents ever give them credit for.  Your son will remember which of you was nicer, more fun, and still (most of all) a loving PARENT.   And isn't that what having kids is about?  Good parenting, guidance, wisdom, and experience.  Anyone who lets personal bitterness get in the way of good parenting is missing the boat, IMHO.

Good luck.

Melody:

What is a father, what is a son?
[personal experience] I have an excellent father, though he is emotionally muted. He taught us how to build fences, he made me love basketball, he taught me about cars and animals (an important role in choosing my career path), he stressed to us the importance of hard work and determination, about will in the face of adversity. He was like a quiet and powerful river running through our lives, and he still considers me to be his most level headed and responsible child. I made him a proud father, I will do what I can in my power to not take away his belief that he raised a great person - and that he bonded well with his (what he believed to be) son. He will call me his daughter after I transition, and I will not make a fuss if he never can without a bit of pain. My father is a good human being, and I do not hate the behaviors and lessons in life that I learned at his hand. [/personal experience]

The experience of fatherhood / boyhood does not have to be exclusive to those of the male gender. Women can do the things I listed above. Do what you can to grab onto the role of "father" to your son. Doing so does not make you less of a woman, children with transgendered parents are very lucky! If you do it right, he may become one of the most tolerable, level headed, accepting young men anyone has ever had the pleasure of encountering. Do it like a river: quietly, persistently, peacefully, powerfully.

Hey thanks everyone. Just as an FYI, we did have to have to take a divorce parenting course before the divorce was made final. Also, our divorce agreement has all sorts of language about how we are to speak about the other spouse. Basically nothing negative. I really don't think my spouse is brainwashing my son. He expressed these fears in the past before I left. If anything, they were once stronger, but the ex has also been taking him to his own child therapist and he seems to be dealing with these things better. Now the ex, having had a mom who divorced twice, is especially keen on avoiding as much pain as possible for our son and can sometimes go a bit overboard with it. She forgets that kids will pick on other kids for just about anything and that Miguel is in for his share regardless of my transition. I have talked to her about it, but she still treats my son like he is made of glass. I also do believe that she is still hurt by my decision to transition and it can come out in different ways, and last night got kinda ugly.

My son ended up being uncomfortable with the idea of me going to his game after I asked him directly without the ex present. He said he was ok, but I could tell he was squirming a little. So I told him to please tell me the truth and he admitted it made him a little nervous, so I sat this one out. The ex did tell him on the way to the game that this is a temporary arrangement. That eventually daddy will be going to these things. Funny thing is that after the game I picked him up and took him to What-a-burger (texas based burger fast-food joint) and one of his teammates was there. He ran right up to him without a thought and said hello and I was just standing there behind him. No embarrassment from him then.

Last night was bad, today is a bit better. However, I learned several things this weekend. I can go to some very dark places in a flash. My confidence is fragile. In Florida I have loads of it. Here it is much more tenuous. I still go out and do my thing, but the nagging doubts are greater. Too many people here knew and remember the old me. My ex has the power to make me uncomfortable and unsure of myself and I think she uses that sometimes as a weapon to hurt me for the way I hurt her. The friends I left behind here are the sort to post happy birthday on Facebook, but not actually see me in person. Mostly fair-weather friends. If it wasn't for my son, I would never return to this place. Too much baggage.

In my next mini-vlog I actually hope to have both the ex and my son contribute (they actually asked if they could be in it) so you can put a real face and voice to both of them.

Again, thanks everyone.

Thats good news... well, for the positive part, nothing is easy huh? i think thats a good thing that your son is able to tell you he feel uncomfortable, so he'll at least have confidence to build, instead of faking for a while and that it cause trouble to both of you eventualy, things can just go better now!