I don't know if I want to get my second shot. What will happen if I don't get my second shot? I'm just feeling really scared now. I wanna be a boy and look like a boy. I'm not sure if I can handle the acne when it comes and I'm not sure about the downstairs growth and hair everywhere. Maybe T isn't for me. Maybe I should have waited, I dunno.

You need to sit down and have a long talk with yourself and make a decision.  It should be only because it's something you thing you need (not want), and not because some internet cheering section is giving you support.  In the end you are going to have to live with it, not them.

Don't panic, man. You may be nervous but just relax. You're not going to die if you don't stick with T.
Sit down and think if you really want to take T or if you just need some time with non-T transition plus male social role and such. I actually had like four years of male role before sarting with T...

About the acne thing, it got hard on my face but a single visit to a dermatologist made my face look perfect in a few weeks. And you can take laser for the hair thing. About the down growth...really man, just don't think about that. Do you remember when you were child and your hands began to become bigger and bigger? No right? This is the same, don't worry about it. It's not gonna be painful, it's not gonna change you. And it will make yourself look as hot as hell on briefs. Don't be scared of side effects becaude they're just that: side effects.

But really, thinking about the things in cold is better. We're here to listen to you good luck man.

If it's still bothering you, I'd definitely hang back until you're more sure.  You don't absolutely need T to transition.  Maybe you could work on other ways of passing until you're comfortable with either going ahead or not.  Are you seeing a gender therapist?  It seems like this would be a good thing to speak to someone about and get sorted out a little better.

If you don't want to go on T because it'll give you acne and genital growth, you probably aren't ready to continue with it. Acne can easily be cleared up if you wash your face, and your bits aren't going to atrophy or stop functioning, they're just going to get bigger. You have all the time in your life to think about it, maybe you should start HRT when you feel you need it.

EDIT: Also, those two complaints are so irrelevant in the greater context of things, when it comes to T changes. You should view hormones as something that'll help you become truer to yourself, not something that'll ruin you.

I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm not sure how bad acne will be for me. It may not be that bad or it may... I don't know. When it's around the time of my period, I get the occasional zit or 2, but that's it. I don't know if that will reflect how bad I'll get acne or not. I did buy this oil-free acne wash. #1 dermatologist recommended it says on the bottle. It's Neutrogena. Should I start using that now? Or wait until I see my face start to break out?

You've got nothing to lose by waiting.  Better safe than sorry.

What drew you to doing that first shot?

What, if anything, has changed since then?

What exactly is it you're nervous about?

Ask yourself all of these questions. Only you can make the decision to keep going or not with T. Just make sure either way you do it for the right reasons. There are always reasons to be scared of change. Just ask yourself what exactly it is you want, and go from there.

The real truth of the matter here is that you essentially want what you can't have - and that is you want to dictate and control exactly how unnatural levels of a hormone will effect your body. Yes, I said unnatural only in so much as that messing with the "normal" levels is just that - and it comes with side effects that you absolutely can not control - such as how much hairier you're going to get, how much acne you're going to get, how much your genitals will grow, etc. I'm not even talking about any other side effects. These are just physical manifestations of loads of male hormone in a biologically female body and from what I understand a lot of them are permanent after a certain point. Yeah, you can get rid of acne and spend thousands on laser hair removal but what I'd highly recommend is trying to modify what you can without the hormones since you are fixated on certain things and seem to be completely ignorning others. It's not just a matter of being scared or nervous.

I'm certainly not part of the "ra ra ra cheering section", so I'm sorry to break it down and be brutally honest but you will either get to the point where you will accept WHATEVER happens just for a chance at looking more on the outside like your "true self" because you simply can not live any other way or you will not continue with any HRT and you'll have to make due with what you got. If you take the later, perhaps in the future you might get to the point where you will make a 100% decision to go on HRT.

HRT will also not "make you a boy". It's not a magic silver bullet - you either already are one or you're not or you're somewhere in the middle (all of which are perfectly normal variations). All it will do is give you some external, secondary sex characteristics of a man. Many states won't even change your gender unless you get SRS - you gonna go the distance with it to become the man you want, legally? Or are you ALREADY that man, it's just that everyone else may not see you as one and you're letting that rule your life?

You just need to sit down and think about every aspect of this - including the fact that life isn't always just about appearances.

You're right in the last two words of your initial post Dominick - 'I dunno' and you don't. Tekla is right - it should be something you need. If your hangups are related to minor side effects like acne, I'm only wondering how are you going to feel when it changes your voice, your face, body hair?!?

The decision should be made when living your life in that female body, being called 'she' etc is more detrimental to your health and wellbeing than dealing with coming out as trans and the changes T will bring.. That's pretty much what led me down the path - I could no longer look in the mirror and see that female body. And I knew something had to change - I still didn't rush into anything though.

There is no one way to be trans and as someone already said you don't need to take T if that's not what you want. And there in lies the problem for you - you don't know. I'm guessing a long hard think is in order - maybe just you or you and a therapist. But it needs to be your decision mate, none of what ANYONE else says should come in to it.

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully." ~ Anthony Robbins

Good luck with YOUR decision.

My mom is a big reason of why I'm so scared b/c she's so scared of what hormones are gunna do to me and she freaks me out saying how dangerous hormones are, and she doesn't want to lose me as her daughter is another thing and the crying will start. That's gunna be hard for me to deal with.

There's no doubt this is what I want. I'm really scared once my mom finds out and notices the changes, it might freak her out. Or she might pretend that nothing has changed... like she's doing now. She pretends everything is fine, when really it isn't.

I'm gunna try to stick this out and see if I notice any downstairs growth, cause really I'm not going to pay attention to that  to see if I grow down there. As for the acne... if I see it getting bad or something and I can't handle it or clear it up, I'll just stop taking T, whether I get 2, 3 or 4 shots. As for weight gain... I'm hoping no. I'm going to exercise, and not eat a lot. I know guys have reported being so hungry and eating all the time. I'm gunna ignore those hunger pains so I don't gain weight.

I want this so bad, I think I was just waiting for my mom to come around before I started T. But I knew my mom would never come around so I just did it b/c I knew this was something I had to do for myself so I could move on with my life.

I dream about the future and seeing myself as a guy and that's just feels right. There's a part of me that feels like what I'm doing is wrong, and that bothers me. I can't seem to get that feeling to go away. I'm trusting the catholic priest when he said I wouldn't go to hell for this.

Another thing that bothers me a little bit, but it's not a big deal,  it depends on my mood, is facial hair. Now I kinda want it, but I kinda don't.  I think I'm freaking out about it b/c it's something new and I never had hair growing on my face before.

I scare myself with all these changes that are going to happen. In my mind I imagine things to be so much more worse then they really are. When you guys talk about becoming hairy beasts, I get freaked out that I'm going to be covered in hair everywhere and look like a wolf or something.

I'm gunna see how this goes for me. My mom and my grandmother are gunna be the ones to ruin it for me b/c I don't have their support on this. If I had their support I probably wouldn't be so freaked out, nervous and scared.

Quote from: Aussie Jay on February 15, 2011, 08:39:29 PM
You're right in the last two words of your initial post Dominick - 'I dunno' and you don't. Tekla is right - it should be something you need. If your hangups are related to minor side effects like acne, I'm only wondering how are you going to feel when it changes your voice, your face, body hair?!?

One of the side effects I do want is my voice to become deeper. I just don't want a sore throat to come along with it. But well see how it goes.

As for the face, I don't know. The nurse told me it wasn't anything drastic. Like I wouldn't walk up one morning and not recognize myself. That was a concern of mine at one time and then i got over it. It depends on my moods sometimes. Part of me is looking forward to see how different I'm gunna look,  how male I'm gunna look, then there's another part of me that worries about it, cause what if I look  hideous. But I haven't seen any trans guys looking hideous, they actually look really good, I'm amazed by it and I'm kinda anxious to see how I'm gunna look, hoping I'm not gunna look bad.


What is SRS?

T will always be an option for you.  That option is not going to go away.  But if you continue with T, your body will start making some major changes, many of which are irreversible.  Honestly, if I were you, I would stop with the T, at least for now.  You need to really sit down with yourself and figure out if this is what you want - no, what you need - before you continue.  T isn't for everyone.  It doesn't make you any less of a man (or however you identify) if you wait a while before taking it, or even if you never take it.

Quote from: Liam K on February 15, 2011, 09:15:48 PM
T will always be an option for you.  That option is not going to go away.  But if you continue with T, your body will start making some major changes, many of which are irreversible.  Honestly, if I were you, I would stop with the T, at least for now.  You need to really sit down with yourself and figure out if this is what you want - no, what you need - before you continue.  T isn't for everyone.  It doesn't make you any less of a man (or however you identify) if you wait a while before taking it, or even if you never take it.

I was thinking about taking T for a little while, just for some changes and then stop. That way I can get some of the effects I want, such as deepening of the voice maybe the face change, I'm not sure yet. It depends on how I look. But I know that one will be irreversible. I just want a more masculine look and be able to pass as male %100, and that might just be deepening the voice and getting a more masculine look and jawline so I can pass, and for the hair... it will probably continues to grow but it won't be heavy or thick, and it will grow at a slower rate and I'm okay with that. I just don't want to be hairy, some hair is okay.

When does the face start to change?

Dear Dominick. Acnes a kick in the ass. I've always had it bad, pre T my doc was saying I was near the point that I'd need Acutane.. guess what? My acnes gotten horrible on T. I know lots of other people who have had issues with acne. I'm at the point where washing my face really seems to be doing nothing - I started new products a monthish ago? No changes, tried a few things in the past.. anyhow. So Accutane may be the way to go for me and I'm sure my doc will agree when I go back in for hormone consult in a while, most people only need to get the first shot accutane, and that's it for acne. It dries out your face super bad, but.. meh. Acne really isn't the end of the world, I've lieved with it since hitting puberty, and after a while you just forget it's there.

and meh, maybe you weren't ready for T. Really seems like you need a change of living situation before you know for sure.

Seriously I think you are going about this the wrong way. You're treating T like it's going to turn your life around when in reality it's NOT going to do that.
To me it's especially alarming to hear you say you would only start working out once you are on T. It's not that simple. You'll be the same person with nearly all the same obstacles in front of you even after T. This is what you have to accept.
You need to ask yourself what the real reasons are for every problem you have and deal with them accordingly.

Saying you're going to ignore your hunger signals just so you can benefit of the higher metabolism or whatever to loose weight, to me, sounds ignorant and irresponsible. Starting hormones you're going to have to stay healthy if you want good results. Muscle mass is the first thing that the body gets rid of if it thinks you are starving, so what you're doing is you're gonna prevent your body from making the changes that you want. Your body will be growing, it's like being a kid growing up again, so treat your body properly.

You worry about what people call "side effects".. I hate to hear these changes being called "side effects". For me they are THE effects that I need. Ok, sure, I don't need acne, but that's manageable and won't last forever, but even so - I need a male puberty, it's what I should have, so I welcome it all, be it acne or being horny like a dog, that's me and I want to go through it.
You sound like you haven't made peace with that aspect yet.

Quote from: Wraith on February 15, 2011, 09:45:14 PM
Seriously I think you are going about this the wrong way. You're treating T like it's going to turn your life around when in reality it's NOT going to do that.
To me it's especially alarming to hear you say you would only start working out once you are on T. It's not that simple. You'll be the same person with nearly all the same obstacles in front of you even after T. This is what you have to accept.
You need to ask yourself what the real reasons are for every problem you have and deal with them accordingly.

Saying you're going to ignore your hunger signals just so you can benefit of the higher metabolism or whatever to loose weight, to me, sounds ignorant and irresponsible. Starting hormones you're going to have to stay healthy if you want good results. Muscle mass is the first thing that the body gets rid of if it thinks you are starving, so what you're doing is you're gonna prevent your body from making the changes that you want. Your body will be growing, it's like being a kid growing up again, so treat your body properly.

You worry about what people call "side effects".. I hate to hear these changes being called "side effects". For me they are THE effects that I need. Ok, sure, I don't need acne, but that's manageable and won't last forever, but even so - I need a male puberty, it's what I should have, so I welcome it all, be it acne or being horny like a dog, that's me and I want to go through it.
You sound like you haven't made peace with that aspect yet.

I know T is not gunna make me happy or change my life. But I want to be a guy, I want to be treated like a guy and been seen as a guy. As long as I'm in this female body I'm not seen or treated like a guy and I hate that so much.

T will give me the motivation to workout b/c I want to look good, I want a nice body. T will also give me a motivation to eat healthier. These are good positive things to getting on T.

Yes, acne will really bother me. I've never had problems with acne accept for that time of the month where I would get a zit or 2. I'm gunna really take care of my face so I don't get the acne or get it bad b/c I really want T to work for me.  I really want this.  I can't be with a girl not on T. I can't look at girls without them giving me a look like, "why are you staring at me, are you gay?". I'm not gay and I don't want straight women to see me as gay. I can't flirt with any women cause I'm still seen as girl. I want a girlfriend and I can't b/c I still look like a female and that's what straight women will see me as... female and I don't want that.

Quote from: Tad on February 15, 2011, 09:38:13 PM
Dear Dominick. Acnes a kick in the ass. I've always had it bad, pre T my doc was saying I was near the point that I'd need Acutane.. guess what? My acnes gotten horrible on T. I know lots of other people who have had issues with acne. I'm at the point where washing my face really seems to be doing nothing - I started new products a monthish ago? No changes, tried a few things in the past.. anyhow. So Accutane may be the way to go for me and I'm sure my doc will agree when I go back in for hormone consult in a while, most people only need to get the first shot accutane, and that's it for acne. It dries out your face super bad, but.. meh. Acne really isn't the end of the world, I've lieved with it since hitting puberty, and after a while you just forget it's there.

and meh, maybe you weren't ready for T. Really seems like you need a change of living situation before you know for sure.

I'm sorry about your acne. I hope it gets better for you. For me, acne is the end of the world. It really bothers me. I just can't have that on my face.

There was something that helps with ance, that dries out zits and that's "mint julep mask". I hear that's supposed to work really well. It helps dry out your skin. I was gunna get that today, but it says, it shrinks pores and dries up zits, it didn't say it gets ride of them, it just dries them up, so I didn't buy it. I may buy it in the future though.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on February 15, 2011, 08:17:08 PM

HRT will also not "make you a boy". It's not a magic silver bullet - you either already are one or you're not or you're somewhere in the middle (all of which are perfectly normal variations). All it will do is give you some external, secondary sex characteristics of a man. Many states won't even change your gender unless you get SRS - you gonna go the distance with it to become the man you want, legally? Or are you ALREADY that man, it's just that everyone else may not see you as one and you're letting that rule your life?

You just need to sit down and think about every aspect of this - including the fact that life isn't always just about appearances.

Word!

Dominick, STOP TAKING HORMONES

Quote from: Dominick_81 on February 15, 2011, 09:35:52 PM

I was thinking about taking T for a little while, just for some changes and then stop. That way I can get some of the effects I want, such as deepening of the voice maybe the face change, I'm not sure yet. It depends on how I look. But I know that one will be irreversible. I just want a more masculine look and be able to pass as male %100, and that might just be deepening the voice and getting a more masculine look and jawline so I can pass, and for the hair... it will probably continues to grow but it won't be heavy or thick, and it will grow at a slower rate and I'm okay with that. I just don't want to be hairy, some hair is okay.

When does the face start to change?

Uh, the face changes would not be permanent (except for facial hair), that would be fat redistribution.  If you were to stop T, your face would look more feminine again, which is one reason MTF's go on female hormones...it softens facial features.

It could be just a bit of residual doubt you're having right now, but it sounds a lot more dire than that to be honest.  The things that you consider deal breakers are alarming to me, and should be to you as well...they're temporary discomforts, things that you would have experienced had you been born a cismale and gone through a normal cismale puberty.  Acne happens, discomfort with genital growth happens, and for some, weight gain does too.   

You say things like 'I wanna be comfortable right away' and 'acne is the end of the world'.  You say you're ready to put in the work to getting the body you want, but your attitudes regarding short term inconveniences suggests otherwise.  There's a possibility that your metabolism will decrease without a complete diet and activity restructure.  There's a possibility that you'll go through a puffy phase where you get 'fat face', it happens to a lot of FTM's, and while it's temporary, it's bound to be bad for self-confidence.  It's second puberty, and most of us didn't look great during the first one, so there's a good chance of having a really awkward phase during hormone therapy.  If that scares you enough to question a shot you got hours earlier, I think you've got your answer about further shots.

Quote from: Squirrel698 on February 15, 2011, 10:23:47 PM
Word!

Dominick, STOP TAKING HORMONES

If I stop taking then I go back to be really depressed in a female body and cutting myself again and go nowhere with my life. My life is on hold and going nowhere without T. I don't even want to see anyone or have my friend come over. I don't want to go out in public and I don't want to work. I just don't want to do anything without T. At least with T I can try to move on with my life. I'm stuck without it b/c I look female and I don't want that and I don't want the world seeing me as female. T seems like the answer for me in some ways.

Quote from: Jake84 on February 15, 2011, 10:39:20 PM
Uh, the face changes would not be permanent (except for facial hair), that would be fat redistribution.  If you were to stop T, your face would look more feminine again, which is one reason MTF's go on female hormones...it softens facial features.

It could be just a bit of residual doubt you're having right now, but it sounds a lot more dire than that to be honest.  The things that you consider deal breakers are alarming to me, and should be to you as well...they're temporary discomforts, things that you would have experienced had you been born a cismale and gone through a normal cismale puberty.  Acne happens, discomfort with genital growth happens, and for some, weight gain does too.   

You say things like 'I wanna be comfortable right away' and 'acne is the end of the world'.  You say you're ready to put in the work to getting the body you want, but your attitudes regarding short term inconveniences suggests otherwise.  There's a possibility that your metabolism will decrease without a complete diet and activity restructure.  There's a possibility that you'll go through a puffy phase where you get 'fat face', it happens to a lot of FTM's, and while it's temporary, it's bound to be bad for self-confidence.  It's second puberty, and most of us didn't look great during the first one, so there's a good chance of having a really awkward phase during hormone therapy.  If that scares you enough to question a shot you got hours earlier, I think you've got your answer about further shots.

So basically my option is suicide. I can't live in this female body. I can't. If I don't continue with T, I loose everything. I will eventually lose my car b/c I will not go back to work as a female. I'll miss out on things I wanna do, but I don't want to do these things as female, I want to do things as male... like going out, traveling to see shows in nyc, etc... I will not do these things as female. I'm gunna loose everything. My relationship with my mom will only get worse b/c I won't work. I'll be dead in the sense that I'll never go out and be stuck home my entire life until I die.


How is the genital growth a discomfort?

Quote from: Lance M. on February 15, 2011, 10:44:15 PM
yeah i hate to say it but i'm with the others. i'm getting quite concerned that it might not be right for you. at least right now. i'm a pretty big wimp when it comes to pain, inconveniences, etc, but i am willing to take those as part of T.

i'm sorry this is so hard for you, but i really think you need to take more time on this. do some serious soul-searching, therapy if possible.

this is supposed to be a happy thing, you know what i'm saying? not terrifying.

A part of me is happy to take T. I've been waiting for this for so long. Whenever I talked about it to my friend or cousins, I was so excited. I dreamed about the day I would become male. But since I don't have the support of my mother and grandmother and never will  that makes me scared in a way b/c their fears of me being on hormones scares me b/c it scares them. Fear of the unknown scares me. Even though I know what's going to happen, it's when it's going to  happen and hows it gunna feel.

Yeah, I want to be a male, but without experiencing a second puberty. I just want to be male, that's all.

Then perhaps you should realize and accept that guys have acne and hair loss and stuff in their pants.  It seems to me you only want your perceived benefits of being a man.  Just know that being a guy is not a ticket to a perfect life.  More then likely you are not going to end up looking like a male model.  You will end up looking like a regular guy with a pot belly, acne, and a bald spot.  Do you think they are happy with the way they look?  They are not.

If that's not good enough for you then you seriously need to re-evaluate your position.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  There are other alternatives to hormones.  Just changing your appearance a little bit can make a big difference.  Try going by a male name and see if that helps you at all.

You just want to be male?  For heaven sakes, T won't make you male.  You will be no more male than you are right now.  Just after hormones your health and your body will be permanently altered.