But I can't. The tears just aren't coming. Like, my eyes will water, but crying just isn't happening. I don't know why.

I get really depressed over the stupidest things. My main reason lately has been that I'm not masculine enough. I take a picture of myself and I can point out everything in my face that I think isn't helping me pass, while so many people - even people who don't know me - think I pass as a boy.

I've had several random people in public call me "he" and "him" and whatnot, but it's still not good enough.

I really need T. Seriously. (I'm a bit afraid of needles though.) I think it would calm me down.

My cutting has started up again. And so have my suicidal thoughts, which isn't good at all.

I tried being positive about life today. It lasted about 20 minutes.

God I hate this ->-bleeped-<-.

I know exactly how you feel. I freak out if a shirt doesn't fit me right or if some pants are too long. I don't feel like I'm passing most the time even though I am. It sucks and I wish I could give you some advice. Just know you're not alone with that feeling.

I hope it goes away soon bro.

You took the words right out of my mouth.I have been crying since last night after a few misunderstood my thread and attacked me.

I also have cut up in the past. I have scars all over my left arm.

However, i beg you to not do it because you may find some real happiness and wish that you didn't have as many scars. You will want to be able to pull up your sleeves and show your muscles..

Suicide yea its been with me since well about 11 or 12 but i have managed to hang on for the sake of those i love because i wouldn't want them to suffer so i stay around and suffer myself....

I won't go into all the ways i tried and how close i came etc etc but i will say there were a few good times in my life but some real fast street people always tended to screw it up.. Today i am wayyy out in the country away from thos street smart alecks who are really scared and put on their acts but will never stop because they are too in deep ->-bleeped-<- and think they can't be forgiven.. even by God..

Yes thats another one God knows our hearts and will make a place for us one day if we hang on and keep serving below with love and kindness.

Please know there are others out there like you who do care and for me please do not hurt yourself because if you do there will be one less person to keep me company while i pass my days biding my time until i go the castle in the sky and be with all those who hung on and were loving kind caring people like you and me 

boys don't cry, devyn.

kidding kidding COMPLETELY kidding.

he'd be pretty mad if he found out i was telling the internet this, but my brother had trouble passing as male when he was a teenager even though he is bio-male and he cried about it all the time.  i'm not sure if you're a teenager or not, but the point is that at about seventeen, puberty really kicked in and bam, manliest man in the entire neighborhood, or at least he got himself to thinking so, and that's all that really matters.  do what you love, forget the rest, and someday very soon you will be exactly the person you want to be.

regarding the cutting and depression, man, there is so much to be happy about in this world.  sometimes you need to make an effort to set things in motion though, so i suggest you go exploring somewhere or pay for the person behind you at the drive-through or ask an elderly person alone on a park bench if you can talk with them (and if they say no, don't take it personally  ). soon enough, the happiness will come back around.

Quote from: Devyn on February 14, 2011, 02:32:00 PM
But I can't. The tears just aren't coming. Like, my eyes will water, but crying just isn't happening. I don't know why.

I get really depressed over the stupidest things. My main reason lately has been that I'm not masculine enough. I take a picture of myself and I can point out everything in my face that I think isn't helping me pass, while so many people - even people who don't know me - think I pass as a boy.

I've had several random people in public call me "he" and "him" and whatnot, but it's still not good enough.

I really need T. Seriously. (I'm a bit afraid of needles though.) I think it would calm me down.

My cutting has started up again. And so have my suicidal thoughts, which isn't good at all.

I tried being positive about life today. It lasted about 20 minutes.

God I hate this ->-bleeped-<-.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like cutting myself again too b/c I'm not passing as male and I'm not on T and I'm trapped in this female body.  I really don't know what I can tell you b/c I'm feeling what your feeling and I don't know what to say to make those feelings go away.  I wish I knew. But there's only one thing I do know that may help... pray. Ask God to help you, to take away the pain.  He knows your hurting and he doesn't want you to hurt. Pray to God and he will help you.

Hey Deyvn, I'm not entirely sure what your situation is like, but is there any way you can see some kind of a therapist?  Your physical health should come first before anything.  Focus on  getting your cutting under control, then worry about the rest.  I know it's intertwined with each other, but you could seriously hurt yourself or even accidentally kill yourself.  Call a suicide hotline or something.  They're there to help you.  Use it to your advantage and find the strength to carry on. 

I hope you're OK mate. 

You ARE a man, so hold on to that fact. And remember you're a whole person, and your gender is just one part of who you are.  Think of all the other things about yourself that you like - things you're good at, things you enjoy, and that you've helped people here on Susans with their problems. 

Please, please, don't do anything bad.  Things will get better mate, even if they don't seem like it at the moment. You've got a great community of guys and women behind you here, looking out for you

All the best mate,

Harry x

Quote from: Rain on February 14, 2011, 06:23:46 PM
Hey Deyvn, I'm not entirely sure what your situation is like, but is there any way you can see some kind of a therapist?  Your physical health should come first before anything.  Focus on  getting your cutting under control, then worry about the rest.  I know it's intertwined with each other, but you could seriously hurt yourself or even accidentally kill yourself.  Call a suicide hotline or something.  They're there to help you.  Use it to your advantage and find the strength to carry on.

I do have a therapist, actually. She helps, but I only see her every two weeks. I see her tomorrow afternoon, actually. And I have a suicide hotline on my contacts list on my phone, but I get too nervous to call.

Quote from: Devyn on February 14, 2011, 06:36:55 PM
I do have a therapist, actually. She helps, but I only see her every two weeks. I see her tomorrow afternoon, actually. And I have a suicide hotline on my contacts list on my phone, but I get too nervous to call.

Is there any way you can increase your sessions with her?  That might help.

But don't be nervous.  If you get those thoughts and feel extremely bad, make the call.  They are there to help, and will be perfectly happy to.  Life is precious.  You need to hang onto it, and that's why those hotlines exist.  To help people like yourself. 

Hi Devyn,

Hold in there and you other guys as well, we all have bad days but they do get better.  It doesn't matter what gender you are, we all have those times. Remember though once you are on T the transformation for FtM will be dramatic. I have several FtM friends and they pass a damn sight better than I do. Ok it has taken time but  you will get there.

One of the best calls I ever made was when I was so suicidal, my life was c**p, my wife had just been placed into a nursing home because her disabilities had got so bad I couldn't care for her, I wasn't on HRT, I was depressed, I was drunk. I phoned Help Line (suicide watch group in Australia) I poured my stupid drunken heart out to someone who listened and who was never critical, just gave love and support.  He gave his opinion of where I was in life and a few ideas for moving forward.  I did. I took control.  I love my life. I love my wife. No one and nothing will break me.

Guys, if I can do this,  as sure as Hell isn't the place to keep cold beer, you can as well.

Hugs Brothers

Cindy

Quote from: M2MtF2FtM on February 14, 2011, 03:03:41 PM
You took the words right out of my mouth.I have been crying since last night after a few misunderstood my thread and attacked me.

You weren't attacked.

Dude, we know how you feel... Sometimes i wish i was never born, life is so hard.
But I hope you ok right now.

Devyn,

Can you call your therapist between sessions when things are bad? Most therapists I know would rather you called them then to have you hurt yourself.  Just a thought. Hang in there Bro.

Troy

Quote from: TroyRyne on February 15, 2011, 06:22:31 PM
Devyn,

Can you call your therapist between sessions when things are bad? Most therapists I know would rather you called them then to have you hurt yourself.  Just a thought. Hang in there Bro.

Troy

She gave me her cell phone number to call her if I'm feeling really bad. And if she doesn't answer, it will say the number of one of those suicide hotlines.

QuoteShe gave me her cell phone number to call her if I'm feeling really bad. And if she doesn't answer, it will say the number of one of those suicide hotlines.

What's stopping you from calling her? I know she would be glad you did. She can't help you if you don't let her. That's what she's there for. Give it a shot.

Wish you the best Bro.

Troy

You know T isn't magic happiness juice. 

I'm on T and I pass really well.  However quite often I'm still not happy because in my mind I don't act male enough.  I took down my picture here because I couldn't stand looking at it.  I don't have enough assertion or confidence.  I still act deferential to others and feel the need to please everyone.  Strictly female traits that I am trying to unlearn and it's difficult. 

There are so many unwritten male social rules that were learned in grade school.  Now here I'm an adult and just stumbling through and making mistakes.  People do listen to me when I actually do get the confidence to speak up.  Just it's still my default to keep quiet and my eyes down.  Growl.  Pisses me off.

I hope you feel better.  You need to keep in contact with your therapist.  That's her job and she would much prefer, as we all would, that you bother her then do something to hurt yourself.  You are far too valuable man. 

Quote from: Lance M. on February 15, 2011, 10:38:39 PM
a bit offtopic but i'm sorry to hear that paul. to me you look a lot more confident in your pics now than your earlier ones, for what it's worth, i was actually thinking that to myself a few nights ago.

Thanks for saying so Lance.  I do feel more confident than I was before but process still needs to be made.  I put up a new picture.  The Chicago Auto show I saw the Chevy Volt and absolutely loved it.

Sorry for being off topic.