I think for the past couple years I've been pushing my family away. I haven't been letting them in my life almost at all. Not on  purpose but I think subconsciously just in case they don't accept me when I come out. Kind of like if I'm not close to them now, I can't lose much if they don't accept me. Like I said, totally not doing that on purpose, but it just hit me that, that's what Im doing.  I'm also never home, or very rarely anyway. I think the reason is because I can be myself anywhere but at home in front of my mom. I still dress and act the same, but I can't make her call me He or Michael. I dont know the point of this post, I just need to get it out. So thank you for listening.

Also, I think I am going to come out to my mom today. Im just sick of living this way. And as soon as she knows, Im going to get started with getting T.

I did the same thing with my mom for a while when she was the only one who didn't know. It was just so much easier to not be home so I understand. Good luck with coming out to her today man

I understand this. I don't know if it was so much pushing them away but you start to feel "unknowable" and that makes it really hard to have genuine relationships.

When I came out to my Mom, we instantly became much closer.

pushing away people isnt good  see how they react first you will be supprised hopefully in in a good way good luck

Here's a story for you.

I've been doing this for a few years too. Not just because of the reasons you listed above, but also because, in the past two years, my mom got sick and passed away. She was like the glue that held us all together. Since she died I've just kind of said "f**k it" regarding the rest of my family... with the exception of a couple.

Not intentionally I guess, but there was nothing holding us together, and they really held me back from being me.

I just came out yesterday, over facebook, by writing out a long ass note telling everyone who and what I am and that if they hate it, I don't give a <not allowed>. I basically realized the same thing you did, and told them that if they ditch me and react badly, I just couldn't care less... I'd kind of drefted away from them. Especially people on my dad's side.

It hasn't been a week and pretty much everyone I thought would hate me has announced they would support me and want me to be happy.

It's an understandable reaction. Personally, I do this in a lot of situations. With friends, if I felt they were drifting, even if in reality they weren't, I'd immediately start letting go and prepare to be abandoned.

I don't know if it's something everyone does but I guess when you get so transfixed about people abandoning you, you protect yourself by letting go before it even happens.

I think telling your mother will help this drifting. Since I came out to some people, not even to my dad, my relationship with him has become less strained. Once I'm out, even if he's weird about it for a while, I'll be willing to be closer to him simply because I have nothing to hide. I can't say you'll have a golden relationship with your mom or with anyone, but it might break some of the tension.

Just my two cents.... or... five dollars.... lol.