Is it normal to have changes in what you feel as far as dysphoria goes day to day?  It's frustrating as all hell, some days I know exactly who I am and what I want, and other days I have doubts (usually the days I argue with my parents.)  The only thing I can concretely say through all of it is I don't want to live the rest of my life as a man, and I know that from the gross feeling I get in my gut whenever I try to picture myself living that life. 

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe it's not to feel alone, or maybe it's to get this off my chest, but it's confusing and frustrating as hell, and right now I'm halfway between wanting to cry and wanting to punch a hole in my wall.

That pretty much sums it up. Yesterday was a day for doubts for me.

Today is one of those days where I'm angry about the life I never was able to live as a woman and the stuff I have to do to be the person I am inside.

Tomorrow is another day and one step closer to where I want to be. Just trying to enjoy the ride.

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on February 20, 2011, 06:06:55 PM
That pretty much sums it up. Yesterday was a day for doubts for me.

Today is one of those days where I'm angry about the life I never was able to live as a woman and the stuff I have to do to be the person I am inside.

Tomorrow is another day and one step closer to where I want to be. Just trying to enjoy the ride.

I don't know what your doubts are, but mine are usually "what if i'm wrong?"  or "what if they say i'm not trans?"  All the while my brain is screaming "NOT A MAN!  NOT A MAN!"  It's like panic attacks, logic and emotions don't hook up.  What you know is true doesn't hook up with your worries and negate the worries.  Gods I just hate it so much. 

Yeah, the doubts were like these little flashes of "Oh God what am I doing" and "what if I'm wrong". They only last a second but they kind of throw my confidence. If I didn't have a therapist, doctor and spouse that are supportive and can sometimes see it better than me I'd be having a really hard time.

QuoteIt's like panic attacks, logic and emotions don't hook up

All I have to do is look in a mirror or start trying to act like a guy around other people and it's clear that it's really wrong.

I just keep moving forward anyway I can and the doubts pass quick enough. Plus it seems like the buildup to the really scary stuff is worse than actually doing it. At my first appointment with a gender therapist I was literally shaking while I was in the waiting room. Once we started talking it wasn't that big of a deal.

Years ago when I first entertained the possibility of living as a woman I would freak out. It meant leaving behind a male life that I knew how to fake even if I was miserable. For me transitioning is leaving something I know but hate and moving into something that feels right but is unknown and a little scary.


If you didn't freak out, at least a little, about something like this I'd worry about you.

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on February 20, 2011, 07:10:16 PM
Yeah, the doubts were like these little flashes of "Oh God what am I doing" and "what if I'm wrong". They only last a second but they kind of throw my confidence. If I didn't have a therapist, doctor and spouse that are supportive and can sometimes see it better than me I'd be having a really hard time.

All I have to do is look in a mirror or start trying to act like a guy around other people and it's clear that it's really wrong.

I just keep moving forward anyway I can and the doubts pass quick enough. Plus it seems like the buildup to the really scary stuff is worse than actually doing it. At my first appointment with a gender therapist I was literally shaking while I was in the waiting room. Once we started talking it wasn't that big of a deal.

Years ago when I first entertained the possibility of living as a woman I would freak out. It meant leaving behind a male life that I knew how to fake even if I was miserable. For me transitioning is leaving something I know but hate and moving into something that feels right but is unknown and a little scary.


If you didn't freak out, at least a little, about something like this I'd worry about you.

Thanks, Hannah.  I honestly don't know if i act like a guy or not normally, so I wouldn't know how to feel on that issue.  I'm a geek, so we kinda all act in similar ways, regardless of the gender binary.  As for thinking, I know I think like a girl, or at least like I should be one. 

I guess it's just coming to finally being able to see a therapist that scares me.  Some part of me is still unconsciously hanging on to who i've been up until now, mostly out of fear of the unknown and fear of disappointing my family, and it's holding me back and I can't get a damn thing done at all because of it.

QuoteI can't get a damn thing done at all because of it

I can relate. I'm flying down to SoCal on Saturday to come out to my sister and I can't get anything done that I need to. I don't want to disappoint my big sister but this way she'll finally get to meet the little sister that she never knew she had.

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on February 20, 2011, 07:35:22 PM
I can relate. I'm flying down to SoCal on Saturday to come out to my sister and I can't get anything done that I need to. I don't want to disappoint my big sister but this way she'll finally get to meet the little sister that she never knew she had.

Mine is my job I can't get done, what with 4 costumes to make at the moment for clients, and I haven't even scheduled an appointment since I'm trying to work out insurance.  If my first appointment with the therapist is anything like it was with my psych this past week, i'm gonna be a mess for a while. 

Key,
  This is normal to feel those doubts. I had over a half century of these doubts nearly every day, that was H-E-DOUBLE-TOOTHPICKS! I managed to slog through my work anyway.  With my HRT, I had only 3 days of doubts for the 3 months on it. Better you doing this at your age, with most part of the HRT effects are more reversable than at my age.  Let any doubts during your HRT pass. If they don't change frequency or duration after 3 months or so on HRT, you may want to reconsider! It gets better
Joelene

There is hardly a day that goes by without me saying "I love my life" out loud and to my wife. And then.... Someone or something comes up that reminds me of my family, (parents, brothers, sister). They have treated me so badly , it just throws me for a loop. They still can (even without being present in my life) ruin a great week or weeks.

  It does get better , though .But I don't really think you can say it doubting yourself that makes us feel bad. After all you said yourself "The only thing I can concretely say through all of it is I don't want to live the rest of my life as a man" That doesn't sound like someone who is doubting. Sure we question ourselves, any logical being should. I think what makes us feel so bad is considering how others may feel about us . We have to try to make a distinction between self doubt and feeling bad about how others may feel about us. Once you learn to do that you will realize the problem is thiers and not yours.

  Hugs, Roxy

Quote from: Erocse on February 20, 2011, 09:49:39 PM
There is hardly a day that goes by without me saying "I love my life" out loud and to my wife. And then.... Someone or something comes up that reminds me of my family, (parents, brothers, sister). They have treated me so badly , it just throws me for a loop. They still can (even without being present in my life) ruin a great week or weeks.

  It does get better , though .But I don't really think you can say it doubting yourself that makes us feel bad. After all you said yourself "The only thing I can concretely say through all of it is I don't want to live the rest of my life as a man" That doesn't sound like someone who is doubting. Sure we question ourselves, any logical being should. I think what makes us feel so bad is considering how others may feel about us . We have to try to make a distinction between self doubt and feeling bad about how others may feel about us. Once you learn to do that you will realize the problem is thiers and not yours.

  Hugs, Roxy

I guess in the end one thing we can be sure of is we're all human, because even in the face of logic and fact, we still doubt.  This life, it isn't cut and dry, and i guess when you get thrown upside down like this, it makes it even more so.  I'm looking forward at the certainty i'll have some day, at least, that i'll finally be able to say 'this is me' and not doubt myself.  Until then I guess it's just up to grinning and bearing it.  It's hard though, without someone to commiserate with out in the world.  I'm hoping maybe I can get to a support group meeting next week (the first of february) at the local LGBT Center.  Maybe having a friend who is in the same boat I am will make life more bearable.

I feel the same way you do Key.

I have days where my inner spirit is screaming and my dysphoria is quite bad, and then I have other days where the dysphoria isn't quite as strong and my intellectual mind freaks out.

The thing is, even on the "good" days when I think of going back to full time boy mode, or even simply stopping, or even just shooting for andro I get depressed.

But on the "good" days my mind races too. I feel scared, guilty, confused as my mind races. I'm learning to embrace this process, and lean to not only live in my "mind", but also listen to and give equal weight to my "heart".

Transition is a big thing, so I'm finding it's normal that one has to work through things - and that means for some of us that there are issues to work out before we can really find our path.

Just know that you aren't alone. If you are committed to being honest to yourself, and you need to transition, you will. If you don't need to, you won't.

I'm posting here in part because I need to remind myself of this very thing. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding me I'm not alone either.

Quote from: Key on February 20, 2011, 05:31:51 PM
Is it normal to have changes in what you feel as far as dysphoria goes day to day?  It's frustrating as all hell, some days I know exactly who I am and what I want, and other days I have doubts (usually the days I argue with my parents.)  The only thing I can concretely say through all of it is I don't want to live the rest of my life as a man, and I know that from the gross feeling I get in my gut whenever I try to picture myself living that life. 

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe it's not to feel alone, or maybe it's to get this off my chest, but it's confusing and frustrating as hell, and right now I'm halfway between wanting to cry and wanting to punch a hole in my wall.

Something I realised today was "Only I can give myself back to me." Noone else can.  So I must be strong and I must be true to myself this is life, who I am is the ultimate test. Doubts have prevailed, but I'm still who I was all along so it's never been a victory just a denial.  The worst is that it seemed Ok, we get massive benefits from doing things soicety wants us to do, Hey why not is what we all say all our lives because it pays to do what society wants.  But why not doesn't work when 'who we are' is what we're being asked to give up.
The other day looking back at my childhood it came to me where I thought there's been no moment I realised I'm female, but guess what I was wrong, the first confirmation was a newspaper article I saw when I was 9.  But doubts and social 'norms' what will my mum think (who I love dearly and that love I'd not want to change), made me think I could just deny it, it'll be ok, society gives us so may benefits I was born male bodied so I'm obviously male, there's no obvious about anything, the truth has always been there, because this is who I am.  Doubts/weakness are human frailities, we need them so we can overcome them because the feelings of utter joy I get from realising I have always been female tells me this is it: Go for it, be who you always have been.