Not sure what to write but feel like I need to get some thoughts out their about this last 10 days of my life. Some personal nuggets from my transition:
Friday: Living out the day as Zoe, heck most of my days are like this now. Get a call from my cousin, he's planning to come down to my place with some friends to "smoke out" for a Saturday. I had not told him about me yet, and to me meant going back into the closet, bleh.
Saturday: Cuz texts me he is not going to be able to make it over. Saturday of being me wasted, whatever. No, not whatever .the whole time I was bleeding inside to stop hiding. He calls later to say he is going to try to make it over tomorrow. I was reflecting on myself the whole day while I waited.
Sunday: Again, back into the closet I go. The longer I go not as me the more depressed I get. Sunday night I watched a special about "The Science of Sex" which made me feel like a complete freak that would never find anyone. Spent most the day in a fog of depression and on the edge of suicidal tendencies.
Monday (Valentines Day): Literally woke up suicidal. I could not bring myself to function in the least. Stayed home from my classes in a haze of (Wake Up > Breakdown > Cry to Sleep > Wakeup > Breakdown > Cry to Sleep > Repeat).
Tuesday: Wake up feeling a little better than yesterday. Have an hour before my therapy appointment to get ready, meh. Feeling utterly broken, but being pushed by mom to go. Arriving at the appointment I opened up about how I was feeling. She suggested I work on a coming out letter to my family, was already on that page but having issues writing it out. Later that day I had an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a local doctor who has a ton of experience (Holy Crap!), plus one that will accept my insurance (Double holy crap!) Top it all off it was the first time going to my main doctor as Zoe. The doctors appointment was great. I left feeling positive even in the sea of internal conflict I was swimming through.
Wednesday: Woke up feeling conflicted, and spent most of the day like I did Monday, just a lot less suicidal. I had decided to drop my in person classes and just take the online classes I have, thought it would make life a little easier, it has.
Thursday: Actually feeling a little human today. I was able to finish some classwork that had been piling up during the week. Spent the second half of the day in a fog that had become so second nature this week.
Friday: Complete breakdown to the point where Friday night I was standing in the ocean ready to drown myself while in a trance like state. The oceans waves were drawing me to them, and all I wanted was for them to take my pain away. Right as I felt the first wave hit my bare feet it felt so good. Mom had followed me, and coursed me home. Getting home I took my wet clothes off and hit my bead nodding off a few minutes later. Someone died that night, and he had helped me get to a point in my life where I could start being myself and the strength he gave me will be cherished & celebrated.
Saturday: Waking up in that haze I felt compelled to write down the previous nights events. I had decided my closet no longer needed a set of clothing that was no longer mine. I shared all of this with mom in the morning and we both got into a fit of crying from the previous night, but she wanted to help me sort my closet out. Sadly during the sorting process she kept coming up with stuff to keep. We did not see eye to eye and kept coming up with things to keep, and at that point I shooed her out. The whole time I am feeling better as the clothes are bagged up. Finishing up I sat staring at one of the shirts that was well worn, starting to mourn. Spent a good 10 minutes just crying into the last thing to be bagged up. Seeing my closet devoid of a life past and filled with a life anew really helped me.
Sunday(Wrap it up): Guess you could say this is the day I start living full time.Just relaxing and recovering mentally from the intense few days that have just past. I'm glad that the forces in my life have allowed me to get to this point. I'm still scared, but I feel like I have accepted myself all over again, and this time as Zoe trying to mend.
