I was just wondering what you girls thought about how the way we were raised influenced us in our decision to transition and what age we come to realize and make sense of this all. I think for me being raised as an only child perhaps prevented me from becoming extremely disphoric as a young kid since all I really knew was my upbringing as a boy, and social conditioning etc. Somehow I feel that if I was raised in a larger family I probably would have been more like "mommy I need to be a girl" at like age 4 or 5 and would have played with dolls and spent a lot more with my sisters compared to my brothers etc. Somehow I just feel it would have been a lot easier for me to make sense of this all.  Also somehow I feel if I was raised in a highly masculine household with all kinds of brothers, I probably would have been able to fake the male role slightly better but would have still ultimately came to the same realization but perhaps I would have ended up in my 40s before transitioning. I am lucky enough right now to still be young enough.

For me all this social dysphoria came about by starting to see that I was different than the other boys, I was never into contact sports, would cry at the drop of a hat, enjoyed picking flowers, and looking at the beauty in a colorful butterfly etc,  drawing, but also played with lego blocks etc. I was never into cars or trucks or super hero's for that matter which most of the boys my age enjoyed, and although I did enjoy video games to some degree after a while I found all the action sickening. I spent a great deal of my time off to myself always knowing I was different than the other kids. I was very imaginary kid spending plenty of time living in my head and with really severe  However somehow everything about gender differences etc has always caused me great stress. I remember being like 5 and 6 years old and felt uncomfortable doing anything that was either stereotypically associated with the male or female gender for that matter. I would say more than anything I was an androgynous child, so for this reason it was not really apparent to me until I was like 11-14 until I felt growing and growing dysphoria over the fact that I actually felt female on the inside. I was also bisexual having fantasies of being attracted to both boys and girls but with me always in the female role. Also the way I looked at myself in the mirror etc I would just feel feminine and couldn't help it. I tried everything in my ability to over ride these feelings but it was completely pointless since it was ingrained so deeply into the fabric of who I am.  Also, I felt very polarized between both genders because I never felt like a boy, and always knew this, yet since I was not a girl. I was like an island off to my own, and because of this I have always been a real loner.

SO, my question is, at what age did you realize you had to transition and what were you like as a kid, did you have a lot of brothers/ sisters or were you like me an only child, and if you were an only child did you find that your dysphoria grew very intense throughout you adolescence and as you got older?   were you supper feminine, or more androgynous or become hypermasculin to counteract how you felt inside. I am really currious to know if transsexualism seems to onset later in people who were raised as only children vs kids that grew up in larger families.


P.S sorry if this question is long.

Chantal

My brother and sisters are, on average, ten years older than I am. So in grade school they were around but in high school and when I was in junior high my parents moved and my siblings moved on. I only really saw them about twice a year. So for part of my life I had siblings and part of it I considered myself an only child.

I was definitely influenced by my sisters and wanted to mimic them. At around 5 or 6 my mother worked really hard to put a stop of these gender issues I was having and I think that was a much bigger influence than my siblings were. In addition starting school made everything worse.

If my mother had been accepting I believe that I would have transitioned at least 20 years ago if not more. As it is I'm 43 and just starting now.

Quote from: Chantal185 on February 21, 2011, 01:25:02 PM
my question is, at what age did you realize you had to transition and what were you like as a kid, did you have a lot of brothers/ sisters or were you like me an only child, and if you were an only child did you find that your dysphoria grew very intense throughout you adolescence and as you got older?   were you supper feminine, or more androgynous or become hypermasculin to counteract how you felt inside. I am really currious to know if transsexualism seems to onset later in people who were raised as only children vs kids that grew up in larger families.

I am the only child of an only child. I came out aged about 4 or so. I partially transitioned aged 5.

I also come from a family in which there are a HUGE number of gender non conforming and intersexed people in the older generations.

I personally believe that in my case upbringing has jack all to do with this. It is a condition determined pre-natally in the womb due to a combination of epi-genetics, maybe in some cases also some single gene aberrations, and hormonal influences.

The only thing which upbringing helped was that because my mother was (for 1960) very well educated and aware of such things, she was considerably more tolerant than I had a right to expect and so my experience of early transition was much more like someone growing up now. In short I was well ahead of my time! 

I have two brothers in my age range, a little sister, a mother and father that raised us together, and our family unit was considered very close to the nuclear-stable stereotype. We were all great models of our birth gender.

I knew for certain when I was fourteen, closeted myself and waited until I was 27 to transition. The reason I waited? Who the heck really knows. I don't even really have a satisfactory answer- just scared of myself, I guess.

EmmaM bet you had an all powerful revelation or two of who you really are in those intervening years. I remember the best dream I ever had, me as a female wearing a green velvet dress, waking up I thought I'll treasure that forever.

I was the oldest of 6,in a very dysfunctional family,and a sister who had multiple severe birth defects. I knew early on something was wrong but the expectations of a very demanding father and mother kept me hidden for a very long time as i kept trying to live up to their expectations of me.  I had gone to a parochial school which also helped slow me down a bit also. I had a lot to unlearn and relearn so.....
I spent a lot of time by myself. I played mostly with my stuffed animals,some crafts, and my cat Alvin. At times i would pick him up and place him around my neck like a live fur scarf and he ended up being a very very wet cat.
Because of these things i kept doing some pretty stupid things to get their approval instead of  taking care of myself. It set me back a long longtime. I did for a time try to become the strong male type which did not work very well and it almost broke me. (I'm 52 and i am just getting my self ready to start therapy again so i can start working on transitioning)

Quote from: KatieD on February 21, 2011, 03:19:36 PM
EmmaM bet you had an all powerful revelation or two of who you really are in those intervening years. I remember the best dream I ever had, me as a female wearing a green velvet dress, waking up I thought I'll treasure that forever.

Do you want some?
In roughly chronological order!

1. I went to high school (a bad one in the ghetto nonetheless) dressed as a girl one day: success.
2. I was in the bathroom wearing a dress and makeup, thinking something along the lines of "Okay, let's do this fetish thing," I looked at myself in the mirror and my heart sank. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't. I just sat there in my dress despondent, thinking if I orgasm It'll just be easier to take it off and be normal. At that moment it stopped working like that.
3. My daddy told me how to castrate a bull, I thought maybe that's the way I should do it.
4. I became rather fond of dying my hair and dressing kind of like the conservative (non-stage) Elton John, but I didn't identify as homosexual. Weird. (This is when I first came out as TG to my mom)
5. I stole my mom's night gowns and slept in them. I've always been part time, Pajamas don't count and I'm 100% woman in my sleep
6. I prayed to God that I would wake up a woman and it felt GOOD. I continued to do so for a decade, even though I knew it wouldn't happen.

And we've just hit the age of sixteen. I would continue, but I fear I talk too much anyway

I had two brothers, one older by fifteen months and the other younger by four years.  I knew I was different at age seven, and it was clear my strictly Roman Catholic family wouldn't tolerate it.   My father had a first cousin who committed suicide, and it was clear from his high school pictures he was more female than male.  Nobody in the family ever spoke about why he killed himself, but I could tell just from his pictures.  It took me thirty years to finally shed all the Catholic guilt and accept myself for who I was, a cross-dresser at the time.  It took another twenty years to start HRT and finally decide I was a transsexual.

I am one of four: a brother six years younger, another brother nine years younger, and a sister eleven years younger. My parents always said they would continue having children until they got a girl.

I didn't know I was a girl nor that there was anything like transitioning; I have always fantasized that someone would turn me into a girl/woman, and that would make me happy. I knew I was different and feared others could see that. I was described by adults who knew me as cute and sweet. My mother would threaten to put ribbons in my hair. She would insist there be a smile on my face when I left home.

I had friends of both sexes. I played forms of baseball and football and wrestled with boys; dolls and board games with girls. I was second-shortest in my class through eighth grade and unathletic--generally among the last picked for teams during gym. I spent much time alone, imagining--with or without toys, reading ravenously, walking, climbing trees and sides of buildings, and as I got older, bicycling. When old enough to take the train myself, I went downtown Saturdays: watching nature films at the Field Museum, eating lunch at DeMet's, and wandering the galleries of the Art Institute.

I took square dance lessons at school, and embarrassed myself at the recital because I had learned the girl's steps. High school dances were a time to gather in mixed clusters, discussing politics, school, and whatever, until chaperones would try to make us dance. I checked Wikipedia just now; I never learned to masturbate using any method for males described in the article (perhaps a method, described as used by infant girls). I never had night emissions and rarely spontaneous erections. Nor did I date in high school. I was president of the Spanish club while taking German.

I never liked dressing up at Halloween nor for school plays, and have wondered lately if that is because I always felt like I was playing a role, and might be discovered at any moment. I have described in other postings how I discovered the story of Christine Jorgenson, and knew I was like her, but her circumstances seemed unique, and her life after transitioning was anything but that of the average natal woman. So I have spent my life quietly trying to be myself, although in a man's body. I don't know what comes next.

S

Upbringing is important.

I was the oldest and I had a younger sister.  We always played together.  My dad was an ex-Marine and his family was his command.  I was scared to come home or to walk to school as a child.  It was difficult for me at puberty which came at about age 10.  My sister told the family she likes girls at about age 40.  I have shared with a narrower audience. 

Quote from: EmmaM on February 21, 2011, 04:42:39 PM
Do you want some?
In roughly chronological order!

1. I went to high school (a bad one in the ghetto nonetheless) dressed as a girl one day: success.
2. I was in the bathroom wearing a dress and makeup, thinking something along the lines of "Okay, let's do this fetish thing," I looked at myself in the mirror and my heart sank. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't. I just sat there in my dress despondent, thinking if I orgasm It'll just be easier to take it off and be normal. At that moment it stopped working like that.
3. My daddy told me how to castrate a bull, I thought maybe that's the way I should do it.
4. I became rather fond of dying my hair and dressing kind of like the conservative (non-stage) Elton John, but I didn't identify as homosexual. Weird. (This is when I first came out as TG to my mom)
5. I stole my mom's night gowns and slept in them. I've always been part time, Pajamas don't count and I'm 100% woman in my sleep
6. I prayed to God that I would wake up a woman and it felt GOOD. I continued to do so for a decade, even though I knew it wouldn't happen.

And we've just hit the age of sixteen. I would continue, but I fear I talk too much anyway

emma, lol I should have made it clearer as I was making a distinction between what can be percieved as crossdressing behaviour and what are all powerful revelations that you are a transwoman

Number 2 is kind of what I was after, certainly a 100% trans revelation did you conscious realise you were infact female sitting there?, but Number 4 is more what I was looking for an powerful revelation. The not-identifying as a gay man is just a statement of fact not a decision, it's exactly how every MtF will identify.

I'm really sorry if I've gone all psychological here

Dancing in that gorgeous light green dress, a sexual radiant woman, I had the most perfect hips haha.  Waking up to that realisation this is me!  This is me, I didn't go back to being something else upon waking, it was an epiphany.  You know that beautiful feeling in your heart of pure joy, just had that stabbing at my heart hehe :D:D:D

Quote from: KatieD on February 21, 2011, 09:45:10 PM
emma, lol I should have made it clearer as I was making a distinction between what can be percieved as crossdressing behaviour and what are all powerful revelations that you are a transwoman

Number 2 is kind of what I was after, certainly a 100% trans revelation did you conscious realise you were infact female sitting there?, but Number 4 is more what I was looking for an powerful revelation. The not-identifying as a gay man is just a statement of fact not a decision, it's exactly how every MtF will identify.

I'm really sorry if I've gone all psychological here

Not to worry. Psychology doesn't scare me.
At point 2 I realized that I was definitely not someone with a cross dressing fetish.
Closer to point 4 I realized that I was female.

If I dig back far enough I can dig up all kinds of weird business like this, mostly cross dressing behavior (but how is wanting to castrate yourself crossdressing behavior?). Most of my revelations have revolved around behavior until now. I've been shut off, and I'm just beginning to get in touch with my emotions, it's a very rocky road.

I've had a powerful dream as well that I have described in another thread: I met myself as a woman, I was shocked, and I embraced her for a very long time. I can't let go of that moment, but it is recent.

Wait. I just realized that I am a little uncomfortable doing this publicly, I think it's not proper to label any experience as a stereotypical trans-revelation.

Oldest of two brothers, my younger being three years younger.  Grew up with sorta androgynous tastes, though I always had a disdain for sports of any kind and a love of stuffed animals.  I think I had been having thoughts and curiosities about being a girl for years, I remember in middle school and early high school just sitting and day dreaming about it.  Christian upbringing and memories of being ridiculed, of course, kept it locked deep down inside of me.  College sorta broke the shell and it started becoming more of a reality than a fantasy, as to who I was.  I know I denied it the first time I thought 'could I be trans?'  It was more when i realized that I started to have the desire to dress as a girl and it held nothing but a feeling of normalcy that maybe it was true.  Now it's that feeling twisting in my gut everyday, and I know it's true.

I only asked if you had any revelations you are a woman in all those years.  I'm not an expert I'm just someone typing on a keyboard   There are no kowdown too experts, never were, despite some people's insistence, there's informed opinion that's all there ever is at best, everyone has a legitimate voice to be heard.

Ok I was going to say about castration typed something then thought I've chatted too much already.  It's an indicator in my story too.

I agree there's no stereotypical trans revelation, I can see how "all MtF realise they are not gay" can be false, identity is a journey, but revelations what's wrong with that?

I've had a powerful dream as well that I have described in another thread: I met myself as a woman, I was shocked, and I embraced her for a very long time. I can't let go of that moment, but it is recent.

emma I hope that happens to me it's beautiful, I don't believe in stereotypical trans anything just our own personal journeys.

lol. I can definately relate to those wanting to castrate yourself fantasies, for me I used to try to tuck everything tightly into my body cavity as a form of masterbation. lol, gross and weird I know. I ended up getting infections and stuff but it has always felt by the way my brain and body are wired that they feel like different parts in my head. However that alone is not trans justification, that could also be considered the evil "a" word that I will not mention. Another major thing is just never being able to live up to the male role, and envying the bubbly girls going through puberty. Somehow I felt like I belonged with them. It definitely sucks when you are going through puberty and all the guys are like "I want to do her" or lol stuff that guys say, and you know you have never felt that way, while at the same time girls are going wild with their own hormones and are dating guys, desiring relationships, wanting to go to the prom etc and you are stuck with the perception of yourself as female with raging male hormones. It is the most bizarre thing in the world. I tried to believe I was strictly hetero, although I was bi, but everything I thought about was relationships, finding my happily ever after bonded for life kind of thing and all these mushy mushy kinds of thoughts that none of the guys ever seemed to have. I think those were some of the best indicators for me. I always wanted to feel soft and cuddly and be embraced/ protected. Then I thought what if I could date a closeted lesbian or something who still looks pretty but will enjoy my softer side, possibly give me cross dressing tips let me dress up in her clothes :p. lol, it never happened and yeah here I am now almost 23 and have never had a date.

You may be interested in a new book that has been published on how gender is developed.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,93536.msg683393.html#new

I have placed a post for it here.

Cindy

I was an only child too.

I started to feel as if I was in the wrong body before I went to school, so I do not think nurture influences as much as nature.

Caroline

Quote from: CindyJames on February 22, 2011, 01:16:12 AM
You may be interested in a new book that has been published on how gender is developed.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,93536.msg683393.html#new

I have placed a post for it here.

Cindy

Thank you for posting the interview. It does look interesting, but I don't think it is available in the U.S. yet.

S

Quote from: KatieD on February 21, 2011, 11:17:37 PM
I only asked if you had any revelations you are a woman in all those years.  I'm not an expert I'm just someone typing on a keyboard

Sorry, you caught me at a neurotic time. There are still rare instances where I feel like someone can rip all of this away from me, and I would be left an empty shell just because I don't relate in a specific manner. Working through it with my therapist.

I'm definitely going to have to get that book.

I was an only child until the age of 10 when my sister was born... So technically speaking I wasn't an only child, unless you only look up to the point of social rearing (if I'm not mistaken that should be up to the age of 7-9). And gender does play a role in that... (for some bizar reason)

I struggled with mixed feelings and suppressed them by going all masculine. After all, I was the only boy in the family, there was the name to keep up and hand down over the generations, the family business to continue...anyway, plenty of hope and aspirations I got bestowed upon (making me even more confused) And I did my best to comply...