Hi all, I am a SO of an FTM who had top surgery in Dec and started T one month ago. Recently, in the past 2 weeks, he has been extremely anxious and really I have to say self-hating in a way I have never, ever seen before (we have been together 13 years). The T hasn't made any noticeable changes to the untrained eye yet, and my partner is having difficulty sometimes even being in public because the discrepancy between what he sees himself to be in his mind's eye (eg, passing, fully transitioned) and what he sees in the mirror is just too great. I am actually really quite worried about him. I am hoping things get better once more changes happen. But in the meantime this has been a terrible process for him, and neither one of us are seeing much of the 'calmness' and 'confidence' I see referenced to so often. Instead, my partner is stressed out beyond belief, quick to anger, anxiety, and shame. I am just curious if this is a 'stage' that sounds familiar to any of you? thanks, Helios

This is actually the same thing I'm going through right now. Pre-T, although I thought on a regular basis "I will be read as male, how does anybody see female?" I was realistic and knew that since I wasn't on T I wouldn't be read as male. I was okay with it. Since starting T my expectations of other people has gone up. I feel like I put all my eggs in one basket with testosterone, and I'm not seeing changes in other people. It's gotten me stressed because I'm in the same place I was in 6 years ago after doing so much to get to this point.

well when you are on T you kinda expect everyone to see you differently, because the T gives you so much confidence, and if you don't pass on t then it really hits you harder then before.  if you don't pass pre T, yea it sucks ass, but you can always tell yourself it will be better on T, but if you still arent passing on T, it feels like there is nothing else you can do. so yes the dysphoria can get worse.

I have also noticed that my chest dysphoria has gotten worse, with my upper body changes, i am really happy with how it looks, but then I see boobs and I get even more dysphoric about it because I know that the chest I should have is somewhere under all of that.

Thanks, guys. Nygeel, can I ask how long you've been on T? best, Helios

Hi Helios,

I had a pretty hard time for some months while plenty of changes had taken place but I was still androgynous looking. When people aren't sure of your gender, it can be very uncomfortable socially (unless one identifies as androgyne perhaps). You never know what people are seeing and it can heighten dysphoria. Pre-T, I knew I didn't pass so just expected to be gendered female.

Also, the physical changes can heighten the discrepancy between appearance and certain sex characteristics. You know, having hairy tits or looking completely male everywhere except downstairs. That can increase dysphoria in some.

Quote from: helios502 on February 22, 2011, 04:24:22 PM
Thanks, guys. Nygeel, can I ask how long you've been on T? best, Helios

I've been on T for three months. In the past 3 months I haven't been read as male once, and in the last 6 years I've been read as male maybe 10 times.

For the first month or so I was really dysphoric, I was really worried as i'd never had it so bad before but now i'm over 5 months on T and hardly get dysphoric at all. I'm not 100% sure why it happend to be honest but part of it was because nothing happend at first and when I finally got some changes they were small, I was quite good pre T telling myself it would be a slow process etc but it didn't help once I was on T.

Sometimes people think T is magic. Over night you become male. That is not true. For some people changes happen more quickly and noticeably, for others, it takes longer. Maybe he had set his expectations to high for starting T. Oover time his changes will become noticeable and he will hopefully be confidant and happy with himself again.

Interesting. The change in hormones for either direction appear to increase the desire to get to one's target gender.  However the hormones can only do so much and they can take years.

Hormones also cause major fluctuations in mood at first, so maybe that has to do with it?

Quote from: Sylvester on February 23, 2011, 09:26:24 PM
Hormones also cause major fluctuations in mood at first, so maybe that has to do with it?

I agree.  Changes in mood combined with impatience can easily explain most cases of initial increase in dysphoria after starting hormones.