okay, she probably doesn't really HATE me, but she's acting like she does.
I'm not out to her, I'm not out to anyone at all, but she knows I went to a doctor and she wants to know why (I went to see my GP about getting me an sexology appointment at the hospital, hopefully to get my transition started)

I told her I'd rather not tell her yet, that I wanted some time first 
and that's when she got really angry. And her way of doing this is ignoring me in general, and when she has to speak to me she does it in the most hurtful possible manner. And soon she'll be rummaging through my things trying to find an answer and lashing out at me.

any advice on how to deal with this? I'm 18 now, almost 19 - I wish she'd just let me have my own life.
I want to come out to her but not just yet - not until I get the OK from a therapist for hormone treatment. And that won't be for at least a couple of months.

Ride the storm.

If your mum tends to rummage through your things then make sure you don't put anything where she'll find it.

Eventually, you'll have to tell her. But since she still regards you as a child and therefore needs her permission, this is something you might be best holding off for now.

I am sorry that you have to go through that stress. It is always an emotional tug of war when we disappoint our parents. There is guilt, stress and the desire to ultimately please them.

With coming out sometimes the difficulties that lie ahead almost seem as if laws are being broken. An admission to belonging to a seriously dangerous gang or use of drugs is taking place. It is nothing like that and yet I see the stress levels and convictions are often the same.

I hope this all goes well for you. I agree with Spacial's advice too.

Many Big Hugs.
Patty

The things parents do like rummaging through your things is because she probably is concerned about you and loves you.

The world can be a very confusing place and parents usually want to protect their child from it to some degree, even at 18. I know this because I am a parent and I too rummaged through my kids stuff before now because I was worried about them and wanted to know what was going on. So its not all doom and gloom.

Keep the communication open. Try and stay and remain friends. Your biggest advocate will probably be your mum. When I came out to my parents they were brill and have really supported me even though I like in my fifties, lol. There's no easy way to tell anyone or any given way to plan this. Its what works for you. You know your situation and you know your mum. Please give her some slack and remain friends.

Stardust

Stardust is right too.

Stardust's perspective is really good.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I regretted posting this immediately, but I'm glad for your responses.

Fortunately I have nothing to hide in my room (except for some really embarrassing drawings )
And today I put on all my hateful girl clothes she's given me and went to eat ice cream with her like she'd been bugging me to for ages. But it didn't go well at all.
I try to keep communication open but she's so forceful, I can't help but shut down and retreat to my room. She wants me to trust her but I can't handle her forcefulness and criticizing nature. I think I'll just have to wait it out...

Thanks for your advice everyone I really appreciate it!
And thanks for your input Stardust. It can be hard to see things from our parents' point of view sometimes!