Oops! This is supposed to be in the Therapy section. 

I want y'all to know that I still do have difficulty with coming to terms sometimes, and I would like insight on the following experiences:

I e-mailed my therapist the following:

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I forgot to mention that I've quit the red bull because I learned that caffeine in such doses can increase anxiety, something that I can certainly use less of. I figured it could help me during transition. In fact, stopping biting my nails also had to be a gender based decision. I'm finding my good gears are all girl, right or wrong.

I also just got a text of support from my friend when I most needed it. I was in a very dark mood today after viewing the great physical and vocal progress of other T-girls, and more and more I feel like the male body is a mask I'm forced to wear. I was also thinking about my costume remark and I regret it. I felt I was coming off as too much of a man (especially concerning my voice). My road is not always well lit, this will take a lot of hard work and time, and I sometimes have to tell myself to be patient and persistent. This is no easy task, especially because I feel like my own body is quicksand.

Sorry for the down mood, I just wanted to voice the things that bother me before I pick myself up and toss them away in a fiery, feminist fit that could undermine my ability to pass.

round two:

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The meeting with the psych *for HRT* sounds like a lot of fun, actually. The scientist in me says: go about it in the craziest experimental way you can! Hahaha, seriously, we can do it in whatever way you all would like.

The physical changes will come, I just have to breathe and take it easy. Right now I'm in full physical woman mode at home with my wife and daughter, I just cooked breakfast and did the dishes (how very domestic, right?), I'm shedding anxiety as we speak. My wife just rolls here eyes. The Tuesday meeting, is that at the GHC?

Rock on Sister! I love that term

And three, the most important part:

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I do want to do that, I'm totally ready. The anxiety is greatest in the morning, I just feel like I have a rock in my stomach and don't want to move when I wake up. This is due mostly to me messing with myself, things like: "Just stop, you know life was so easy as a man. You've never been a girl. What if you ruin your life?" and various other painful doubts. Though, I can't continue throughout the day without progressing towards living life in the way that I feel inside, as a woman. Such a contradiction, this condition. I'm very happy I'm doing this, I feel like I'm doing the right thing, it just hurts sometimes. I'm gonna have the time to sit with my anxiety tomorrow, since it invariably occurs every day. We'll see if I can melt it away.

These were all sent in the same day. Now I'm waiting for insight, perhaps I can get some here. Why do I wake up like that? I think it has a lot to do with morning arousal, I actually went full woman mode as soon as I woke up, and didn't feel the need to "take care" of the arousal as soon as I was dressed. I felt better. Though, the anxiety pains have been going on in this way for about a week and a half. Has anyone else had this sort of experience? Sexual deprivation or caffeine withdrawal, maybe? I can't help it, I'm just not sexually "right" at this time.

I'm getting there, still putting it all together. *By the way, I do identify 100% female.

Hmmm, I think I once heard someone remark that the anxiety, or self-doubt, just proves your sane. It is your body's defense mechanism. A survival instinct. You are about to put it through some rather extreme stuff and it is natural to mentally flinch. To not do so could be considered worrisome.

Quote from: Melody Maia on February 26, 2011, 12:20:58 AM
Hmmm, I think I once heard someone remark that the anxiety, or self-doubt, just proves your sane. It is your body's defense mechanism. A survival instinct. You are about to put it through some rather extreme stuff and it is natural to mentally flinch. To not do so could be considered worrisome.

That actually makes a ton of sense. Thank you, Melody. Did I ever mention how inspiring you are? I think I did

Quote from: EmmaM on February 26, 2011, 01:29:08 AM
That actually makes a ton of sense. Thank you, Melody. Did I ever mention how inspiring you are? I think I did

Your welcome hon. Others helped me and now I try to return the favor as you will some day.

I don't know about inspirational. I am just muddling through doing the best I can with a tough situation. Same as you.

more than muddling Mel

Quote from: Helena on February 26, 2011, 07:41:31 AM
more than muddling Mel

Oh you ladies are too much. Thanks.

Many times we feel like we will not make it through.  But then we just keep going on.  As the lines from "When you going thru Hell" by Rodney Atkins states:

QuoteIf your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

In fact if you have heard it, here it is.   

Awesome Emma,

"I was in a very dark mood today after viewing the great physical and vocal progress of other T-girls, and more and more I feel like the male body is a mask I'm forced to wear."   

I can't add much to what Melody and Janet said but I can tell you that there is truth to the adage "it is always darkest before the dawn."  The trick is to recognize the darkness for being transient and not let it overwhelm you - just admitting it to your therapist proves you are rational and sane. 

I have probably just been through the darkest 6 months of my life and while I know there is light and have started to come back into it, I still tend at times to get very introspective, moody and just want to crawl back into the warm coccoon of blackness which enveloped me.  My sisters (and brothers, too) here at Susans have helped me realize that what is important is *me* and if I don't care for myself, who will? 

Emma has to take care of Emma - and you so obviously are doing so by living in full woman mode whenever you can.  HRT will come as will all the other changes you seek.  Today you may be just a bit jealous of others; tomorrow will be their day for jealousy.  Look how far you have already traveled - from just an occasional peek at the world from behind your male mask to your 100% Female Self standing at the sink doing dishes with your family.  (I think that, alone, may cause a lot of jealousy for some...) 

Hang in there, we are all with you and here when you need a hug or two. 

~Hugs~
Susan

Janet: That is an awesome song! How appropriate. Thank you 

Susan:

Quote from: Susan Baum on February 26, 2011, 12:42:08 PM

I can't add much to what Melody and Janet said but I can tell you that there is truth to the adage "it is always darkest before the dawn."  The trick is to recognize the darkness for being transient and not let it overwhelm you - just admitting it to your therapist proves you are rational and sane. 

This is a wonderful statement, thanks for being there.