Hello, everyone.  I am... well, my chosen name is Raye.  I am a transsexual lesbian from Denver, CO, and if I had to classify myself as anything, it would probably be nerd/goth, though there is so much more to the person that is me that cannot be classified by even the most bureaucratic government official.  I am 24 years of age, and if you couldn't tell already, I have a very intellectual mindset.  After all, I didn't barely squeak by graduating from High School just to throw everything I was taught away and have my vocabulary consist mostly of words that noone else has even thought of using since the late 80's.  Outside of my house, I mostly play the role of a depressed young nerdy male with a fanaticism for gothic culture.  Once I get back home and flop down in front of my laptop, I connect my IRC client and immediately shift to my true form, the one that I know for a fact dwells inside me, that of a young lesbian.  Now I know for a fact that there are many males age 15-35 who find it funny to act the part of a lesbian online, to pretend that they are cute young girls looking for other cute young girls.  Frankly, this disgusts me.  To me, it isn't funny, it isn't acting or pretending.  In fact, the only time I act and pretend is when I'm outside, made to suffer the horrified and disgusted looks of people when I let even the least bit of feminimity show.  The person I am online is who I was supposed to be, the form I was born into, be it a mistake of godlike proportions or just a cruel joke played on me by whoever's running this grand experiment we call life, is simply a transitionary chrysalis of sorts, and someday, when the time is right, I will emerge from that chrysalis a full-fledged butterfly.  I will spread my wings and soar above all the grasshoppers and beetles and other little insects who said I would never be anything more than an ugly caterpillar.  Anyway, sorry for the essay-length rant, just needed to get some things off my mind before they started eating away at my soul like acid.  When I was younger, I used to hold everything that bothered me inside me, until I was so full of negative emotion that I felt like I was going to burst.  Thankfully, I've learned to be more open to people around me about my feelings, I've learned how to properly express my anger or sadness at something.  For now though, I must live in stealth about my transsexuality, both offline and on mIRC, because, on mIRC, there are too many people who would be hurt and break friendships with me if they found out the form I am currently forced to take, and in real life, there would be too many people who would resent me and also break friendships with me if they found out what I truly am inside.  But gladly, there are safe havens like this forum, where I can freely express both my dysphoria with the form I am currently forced to take and my love for the beautiful creature which dwells inside me.  Thank you for sticking with me through this long, mostly pointless post which jumps around from topic to topic like a drunkard going barhopping on Colfax, and if you would be so kind as to tell me about yourselves, I would be most appreciative.

Hello Raye,
Glad to meet you. 
My name is Jillieann a transexual woman age over 50.
As long as I can remember I have fought with myself (two spirits within) and over the last year it became a war. Now I have made peacea nd I am becoming one but it is not as JR a (male, that was my shield against the world) but Jillieann (female, the real me inside). Thanks to my therapist I have learned allot about my pass and how both my dad and mom had to teach me how to be a male. I now feel more at peace with who I am. But like you I could lose everything that I hold dear because of what I am becoming. Already I have found that my wife no-longer treats me as a husband but as a girl friend (I like it but I don't). I love to dressing-up and going out occasional. I wear almost all women's cloths except for shirts and tennis shoes (can't even force myself to wear men's underthings accept an occasional a t-shirt.) Now i'm in the process of finding how far I need to go outwardly (dressing and body modifications). When I home  I put on as much feminine stuff as I can without disturbing my wife (she doesn't want to see Jillieann).
If your look for friends and or information about gender issues this is the place.
Please read the site rules if you haven't at:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html if you haven't already.
Then check out the Wiki, with ton of info on the gender topics. Oh and check out our chat and links section too. Have a great read.
Welcome to Susan's.
Jillieann

Thanks for the warm welcome, Jillieann.  I already feel that this is a great site full of people who are going through or have already gone through many of the same problems as I am, and are willing to help those like myself who are still at the beginning of discovering themselves as transsexuals.  Now that I look back at my early childhood, I remember many things that point out the presence of my transsexuality.  When I was about 5 or 6, I had a crush on a girl who lived next door to my aunt, but was really too shy to talk to her.  My cousin Cassie came up with an idea.  She told me to put on one of her old dresses, a pair of her old frilly socks and a pair of her old shoes and did my hair up in a short ponytail, then she sent me over to talk to the neighbor girl.  As a girl, I was much more comfortabe talking to her. (my story was that I was my own twin.)  Then, later, in the second grade, Ron walked in on me going to the restroom once, and was rather distraught that I was sitting down.  He had to teach me to stand up "like a man."  Also, around the same age, my sisters used to "force" me to play with their Barbies with them, though there really wasn't much twisting of the arm.  I actually loved to act out little dramas with their Barbie dolls.  Looking back, I see that even early events like these were a manifestation of Raye.  I felt more comfortable with the neighbor girl because I had an appearance closer to the girl inside me.  I had to be taught to stand up when using the restroom because I didn't know that I shouldn't sit down.  I loved playing Barbie dolls for the same reasons that my sisters did, because, in a way, I was their brother, but in another way, I was also their sister.  Anyway, sorry again for the essay-length post, I just want to say that I've been here less than a day, and I already feel at home in these forums. Thanks again for the warm welcome.
Raye

Raye,
Welcome to the forum from another newbie to it.  I am a 42 yr old tgirl who went through many of the difficult experiences you're having, but I denied it for much longer than you have, so that is a triumph in and of itself on your part.  I came out last summer after I quit my job teaching in an area high school.  The fact was that my career was really not much more than a straitjacket where I "kept" myself caged.  Quitting that nightmare and coming out left my parents and siblings (I have no kids and am divorced) with their jaws on the floor and I've been trying to help them pick them up ever since, but the fact is that you can only control your self, not others.
What have I learned?  Basically, that being ME is the best gift I could ever give myself.  Those who can't understand or share in my joy aren't anything that I can control, but I now see life with the clearest vision I've ever had, and I'm liking it.
Good luck to you, honey.  You're going through some of the difficult times.  All I can say is, be true to yourself.  That doesn't mean it will be easy, but it'll be alot more rewarding and you will find peace in it.
Hugs,
Chrissy

Hello Raye and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a minute to explore all the forums with the site, review the site rules, and visit the wiki where you'll be able to find plenty of valuable information on trans-related issues.  We look forward to your future posts and participation!  Enjoy your stay!


tinkerbell

Welcome, Raye!

It's great that you found us and decided to join.  I hope this site will become for you the safe and wonderful refuge that is has become for me.

again, WELCOME ! !
helen