my spouse came out to me 10 years ago  I struggled with the ideas of my friends family and it wasnt easy. When my spouse finally said thats it I have to be 100% female 24/7 it was very hard because I felt guilty that maybe if I wore more makeup, wore more skirts and dresses ,if I was a little more aggressive may be this will go away. This wasnt going away it was in our lives and I became jealous because this other person was taking my spouse from me joe was gone and cindy was taking over my time  with hair, makeup,and nails  I started to feel in competition and questioning my own femininty. I knew I was 100% female and happy. Then I felt who have I been sleeping with all these years Cindy or joe and started questioning my sexuality am I lesbian, are we still hetersexual I dont know . I asked Cindy what she was she said lesbian I said oh that makes me lesbian I guess . I personally questioned my self years ago and kinda thought that but didnt want to confront that issue. Many SO have alot of issues and questions and are afraid to talk about them or are scared because they have no one to confide in or have no where to turn to and say I feel or felt this way and so did someone else who is walking this journey to.

Hi Para;

I think (though there are many issues) the one big one is how hard it is to talk about it.  Sure we skirt (pardon the pun) around them and most times the talks end up in huge arguements.  We are so concerned about the rest of the world and how they will handle it and what will they think of me/us.  Will they think that I wasn't feminine enough to hold to him.  What does this mean about me.  I began to doubt my own feminity and it showed in the way I dressed.  I began to dress in very oversized sweatshirts,etc.  Things that weren't flattering.  I began to loose myself to this other person that was literally taking over my life, my thoughts.  I couldn't think about anything else except how the hell was I going to keep this all in control.  And so the juggling game began.  There were so many balls in the air that I began to loose it big time.  I just wanted to escape life.

When you said you felt in competition to this person, this really hit home for me.  I was never very confident in myself and when this all started to happen.  Steph was buying great up-to-date clothes, she was thin and look great in them.  On the other hand there was me, frumpy, grumpy and dumpy (almost the 7 dwarfs rolled into one person).  My ego was sure taking and kicking. Not only did I began to question my feminity but also my sexuality.  I knew who I was but who the hell was this person next to me.  More arguements.....more sadness.

Then I was beginning to drop some the balls and loosing control (yeah like I had control over this - foolish when I think about this now).  When I began to talk about this with others I began to realize that if I am okay with this then that is all that counts.  Even today I am still explaining/educating others about ts issues.  Once we begin to acept it or at least know we can't fight this any longer, we give ourselves permission to grieve the loss of our spouse.  This becomes all the harder when the person that took over their body and place in our lives is in our face all the time.  We never really get a change to say good bye.

QuoteMany SO have alot of issues and questions and are afraid to talk about them or are scared because they have no one to confide in or have no where to turn to and say I feel or felt this way and so did someone else who is walking this journey to.

Keeping the secret was what it was all about, it was our job.  Protect this person from the outstide world at all cost was our "mission impossible".  I say mission impossible because getting out in the outside world was all this person wanted to do. 

It was so hard, just so damn hard when I think about this all now.  A lot of wasted time and energy.  But back then it was all I knew.  I was fighting for my man against another woman.

Gill

dear gill
your right I was the frumpy dumpy while cindy was the blonde bombshell with her nails all manicured and great clothes all though we both wear the same size so its kinda 2 for one. its very hard in the beginning and most significant others dont talk about it in the beginning because as you said its their own little secret and they feel their the only one struggling with these issues. Now that I look back you are right all those things dont matter anymore im allright with my myself and my spouse. In regards to the grief issue in saying goodbye I really didnt know Cindy that long as male when I met her she was just starting transition. it must be hard for someone who has been married for a long time. One of the spouses from our transgender group said she wanted a gravestone with her ts partners name on it her male name so she can grieve for him I guess that works for her but not for me. thank you.

Hi! I think I can understand why you questioned your sexuality, after all, if you enjoyed sleeping with Cindy all these years (line of thinking)....however, I would say that because you perceived Cindy to be a man (for obvious reasons!) that wouldn't make you a lesbian.  If you are actively attracted to women in general, then you could be a lesbian, but simply because your partner describes herself as a lesbian doesn't automatically make you one.  If you're making an special exception for her, it doesn't make you a lesbian, either(unless you want to consider yourself that way, it's really up to you on that!) 

I, myself, am bisexual to begin with so the sexuality issue hasn't been too hard on me, but I do sympathize with you! It isn't easy to think that you're sexuality might be something other than what you thought it was and I can definately identify with that!  It took me ten years to fully realize that I was bisexual and not "heteroflexible" as I called it (this meant that I didn't mind sleeping with a woman, but that I didn't want a romantic relationship with one, and it was erroneous thinking anyways!)

Enough about me, though. I can tell you that worrying about being the cause of this is nonsense and you shouldn't believe it for one second if pops into your head again. Just clearing that up for you!   It's tempting and somewhat comforting to lay the blame on something or someone for all the turmoil you're experiencing, but there really is nobody at fault for this condition (and nothing that's been scientifically proven as a cause, either!)  Besides, blame leads to guilt and guilt isn't helpful.

Honest and open communication is what you need. My only caution is that you both need to be as objective and open-minded about what the other is saying and really listen to what is being said. Which I know is a lot more easier said than done, but if it can be done it will work wonders on figuring out where to go from there. Take baby steps, if you can manage it. Best of luck to you!

I am slightly reticent to post in this forum. I've never been married, and I feel like SOs expereince problems that are a bit private and outside the ambit of TS commentary.

However, I am someone gifted with a modicum of imagination.

I've only dated two women, but I can look back at our relationships after transition and understand them better now. It's clear to me that Traci and Heather LIKED the feminine aspects of my personality. In the case of Traci, she liked having a "boyfriend" that could glorify and participate in the girlness of her personality. In the case of Heather, she enjoyed having a "male partner" that would let her be the more dominant one.

I don't think the indicates any lesbianism on their part. I think that human relationship dynamics are merely complex.

The truth is, gill and para, I can easily imagine myself in your shoes. Most of the men *I* find myself attracted to have feminine aspects to their personalities.

.... but I would just DIE if they transitioned, because I want to be the woman in the relationship. This is part of why I am attracted to men, I feel like they complete me as a woman. If I lost that, especially to a man I devoted my life and youth to, I would be devastated.

Bri-lala

Quote.. but I would just DIE if they transitioned, because I want to be the woman in the relationship. This is part of why I am attracted to men, I feel like they complete me as a woman. If I lost that, especially to a man I devoted my life and youth to, I would be devastated.

Bingo......

Gill

Quote from: Gill on January 22, 2007, 06:26:24 PM

Quote.. but I would just DIE if they transitioned, because I want to be the woman in the relationship. This is part of why I am attracted to men, I feel like they complete me as a woman. If I lost that, especially to a man I devoted my life and youth to, I would be devastated.

Bingo......

And the double tragedy is when you realize that you've BOTH been desperately trying to experience that dynamic: her by waiting for a "husband" to show up who just wasn't coming, and me by trying to experience it vicariously through my wife like some sort of lifeforce parasite.

When "husband" and wife are competitors rather than compliments... it ain't good

Kate