I was given the honor of being asked by my local historical society to help with a project called, What It's Like [...] in Morrison County, Minnesota. This project is intended to be a collection of personal accounts and "mini memoirs" covering topics that are not commonly discussed. I was specifically asked if I would be willing to write an essay about what it is like growing up in rural Central Minnesota being a transgendered person. In fact, I was told that I was personally the inspiration behind the project itself. I am well acquainted with a higher-up in the historical society, and she told me that she often wondered what it was like to be transgendered in this community. She presented the idea to the other members of the historical society to have current and past residents of the community write these essays cover a vast number of topics ranging from What It's Like [going to the post office] in Morrison County to What It's Like [living with an alcoholic] in Morrison County.
Of course, I excitedly accepted to take on the project and write my essay about growing up transgendered in my community. But I would really appreciate some input. I'd like to know what I did well and if there is anything I should change. So, here is my essay:
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Looking at me, you wouldn't be able to guess that I am a minority. A white female between the age of 18-35 living in Central Minnesota. In fact, I am part of a minority that is still legal to discriminate against. It is legal in the state of Minnesota to not hire me for work because of who I am, and it is not considered a hate crime to beat me because of who I am. Like one in every couple thousand of people, I am transgendered.
I was born in the Little Falls hospital and my birth certificate says 7 lbs 6oz, Female. Despite having been born biologically female, my whole life I knew this was wrong. As a child I was frequently bullied because I was very meek, but generally I got along well with boys and girls. When I got older and everyone around me and myself began puberty, the differences between boys and girls became terribly evident and I knew that my body was changing the way it shouldn't have. Instead of my voice getting deeper and muscles developing, I began bleeding and my chest started swelling. I was revolted with myself. I found myself growing increasingly depressed every time I was called "she" and discovered how little I had in common with the girls around me. I wanted badly to be "one of the guys" when in the company of my male friends despite my best efforts to fit in, I was always treated like a girl.
Having never heard of transgendered people before, I kept my feelings hidden. I grew up with a very Conservative, Christian family and was denied any knowledge of gays, lesbians, and transgendered people. Only when my best friend in Middle School told me that she was bisexual did I start thinking that maybe my feelings were legitimate. Through High School, I discovered that in fact I knew a number of gay and bisexual people and eventually felt that I would be accepted. In the summer between my sophomore and junior year, I came out as transgendered to my peers. The fellow gay and bisexual students who learned of my being transgendered were fearful that not only would I be in danger, but that they would be put in danger as well because transgendered people are an unheard of concept in rural Minnesota. My coming out bonded the LGBT people of the school together to protect each other and report any negative incidents to prevent danger.
I was intrigued at the reactions I got after my coming out. When I told my best friend, she was not surprised. She told me, I always figured something like that. Turns out nobody was really surprised, which confused me because when I was hiding my identity, I tried my best to be a girl. Maybe I failed so profoundly at it that my friends knew it was a façade. Most people treated it as though it were no more interesting than the fact that I have brown eyes. Not that people disbelieved me, it just wasn't a big deal despite my condition being so incredibly rare. I like it that way. I don't want to be treated differently, just be treated like a guy.
Of course, I was met with some amount of ignorance, but it was merely ignorance that comes from a lack of information regarding transgendered people and I took no offense to it. Many people insisted on referring to me as a "she" despite my insistence to be called "he". Only on two occasions has anyone been hostile or even rude to me because of my gender identity, but neither of those people were even from Little Falls. This fact made me think very deeply about the people in this community. As anyone who has spent time in Little Falls would know, we are not a very diverse community. This is a heavily conservative Catholic community, with an incredibly surprising tolerance for the LGBT community.
Though my coming out to my peers went more smoothly than most anyone can imagine, I still struggle with fear of coming out publicly, which is why I am writing anonymously. I fear for my significant other, who would likely be disowned if discovered that he has a relationship with another man. I fear for my parents being accused of failing to raise me as a "normal" girl. And I fear the life changing results of transitioning from woman to man.
Look to the internet regarding transgendered people and it won't take long to find tragic stories about men and women like myself, men and women who were born the sex the didn't belong, being violently beaten and killed. For someone who is not transgendered, it is impossible to understand the feelings that come with being in the wrong body and the incredible persecution and suffering we face. I guarantee that many people who read this essay will make negative assumption about me. They will figure I am delusional, or just so much of a lesbian that I want to be a man. Some might think I am a perversion, and that I am going against God. I can't stop people from feeling this way, nor do I think I can.
My only hope is that when I get out into the world, go to college, start a career, and fully transition from woman to man, that I will have the same amount of acceptance that I got from this amazing city. I love Morrison County and the people residing within it. I hope for people to become aware that people like me have real feelings and deal with serious problems. The number of transgendered people who deal with suicidal feelings and drug addiction is astronomical, and the root of these problems comes from feeling the need to escape the bodies they hate living in. You don't have to understand, approve of, or even believe what transgendered people feel, all you have to do is accept that our feelings are real, and that we are just as human as the rest of the world.
This is what it is like being transgendered in Morrison County, Minnesota.
